Louise Rennison_Georgia Nicolson 03 (10 page)

midnight

I wonder if it is possible to have two boyfriends. I mean, times are changing. Relationships are more complicated. In France men always have mistresses and wives and so on. Henri probably
has two girlfriends. He would laugh if you told him you just had the one. He would say,
“C'est très, très tragique.”

So if he can have two I could have two. What is good for
le
gander must be
bon
for
la
goose
aussi
.
Je pense.
Oh,
merde
.

But would I want Robbie to have another girlfriend? No!!!!!

tuesday november 9th

7:50 a.m.

Angus is amusing himself by ambushing the postman. Och aye, they may have taken his trouser snake addendums, but they cannae tak his freedom!!

walking to school with jas

8:30 a.m.

Jas was having a bit of fringe trouble (i.e., she had cut it herself and made herself look like Richard II), so she was even more vague than normal. She just went fringe fiddle, fringe fiddle. I was going to have to kill her. In a caring way. Oh, the burden of guilt. I wanted to shout out, “OK!! I have nip libbled with Dave the Laugh. Kill me now.”

But I didn't.

german

10:20 a.m.

In the spirit of European whatsit and also because I had finished painting my nails, I asked Herr Kamyer what was German for snogging. He went amazingly dithery and red. At first he pretended not to know what snogging meant, but when Rosie and Jools started puckering up and blowing kisses at him he got the message. Anyway, it's called
frontal knutschen
.

As we left class I said to Rosie, “I rest my case vis-à-vis the German people. I will never
knutsch
any of them.”

french

1:30 p.m.

When Jackie Bummer went up to collect her homework(!) she stood so close to Henri that she was practically resting her nunga-nungas on his head. If he had had the misfortune to have seen her in her sports knickers as I have, he would have been away laughing on a fast camel. (Or as Henri would say, “away laughing on
le vite
camel.”)

Uh-oh, I am thinking about Dave the Laugh again.

Merde.

6:00 p.m.

Robbie phoned to say he really likes me. (Yeah!!!) He is going down to London (Booo!) for his meeting vis-à-vis becoming a HUGE star. (Hurrah!)

A HUGE star with a really great girlfriend.

6:10 p.m.

I went into the kitchen to have a cheesy snack to celebrate. Angus was having a zizz in his basket. Even though he is no longer fully intact trouser snake–wise he is very cheerful. He was purring like a bulldozer. When I gave him one of his kitty treats he almost decapitated my hand. Libby wanted a kitty treat as well. I said, “They are not for human beings, Libby.”

“I like human beans.”

“Yes but—”

“Give me human beans as well!!!!”

I had to give her one. Then the Loonleader came in and said, “Who are all these mystery boys then that keep phoning you?”

I went “Hnyunk” which in anybody's except an absolute fool's language means, “It is none of your business, and I will be sick on your slippers if you go on.”

Vati, of course, didn't get it. He raved on. “Why don't you bring them round here for us to meet?” On and on and ON about it.

I said, “As I have said many, many times, I have to be going now.”

my bedroom

8:00 p.m.

Everyone has gone out. I've got so much homework and so on it will be a relief to really get down to it.

8:05 p.m.

Oh Blimey O'Reilly's pantyhose…what is the point of Shakespeare? I know he is a genius and so on, but he does rave on.
What light doth through yonder window break?

It's the bloody moon, for God's sake, Will, get a grip!!

Phoned Rosie. “The Sex God has to go to London to see the record company people and discuss making an album. I don't mean to boast but I have to…. Not only am I the girlfriend of a Sex God, I am now going to be fantastically rich.”

“Fab. Groovesville, Arizona. Are you going to be living in an all-white penthouse with parrots?”

Sometimes I really worry about my friends. Parrots?

Then I could hear in the background, “Parrots? Parrots? Oh
ja
.” Sven seemed really interested in these bloody parrots, my new flatmates.

Rosie said, “Hang on a minute.”

Her massive Norwegian boyfriend always seems to be round her house: that is because she has very, very nice parents who go out a lot. I could hear kissing noises and giggling and a sort of Norwegian parrot thing.

When she came back Rosie said, “Sven says, Can we come and live with you in your groovy London pad?”

“No.”

“Fair enough.”

11:00 p.m.

I won't let my newfound happiness with a famous popstar spoil me though, and I definitely want my own career. Using one of my many talents. Hmmm…What career combines being able to apply makeup with innovative trouser snake dancing?

I could be a heavily made-up girl backup dancer!

wednesday november 10th
biology

1:30 p.m.

I can do a magnificent impression of a bolus of food being passed along the alimentary canal. Mrs. Hawkins said it was “terrifyingly realistic.” So I'll probably get top marks in blodge and become, erm, what is it you become when you do biology?…A bloke with a beard ferretting round in swamps. Maybe I'll stick with the backup dancer idea.

10:00 p.m.

I had to go to bed because Vati was singing “I Will Always Love Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu” by Whitney Useless.

11:00 p.m.

Just nodding off when I heard this noise at my window like pebbles being thrown against it. Angus has made a startling recovery, but surely even he hadn't learnt how to throw pebbles. I opened the window and looked out, and there below me was the Sex God!! Aahhhhh. He blew me a kiss when I opened the window, and he said, “Come down.”

I put on my coat over my jimjams and had just a second to remember my emergency Sex God drill—lip gloss, comb idiot hair, suck in nostrils—before I crept downstairs and opened the door. The olds were all still up in the front room, singing the national anthem, only to a reggae beat…. I suspect a few barrels of Vino Tinto had been drunk.

Robbie gave me a really dreamy long kiss when I came out. I whispered, “Brrr, it's very nippy noodles, isn't it?”

Robbie looked at me like I was half insane (and half bonkers). Which I am so sure he is not wrong there. SHUT UP, BRAIN!!!!

in bed

midnight

He has gone.

To London.

Without me.

thursday november 11th

8:30 a.m.

Still, life carries on. Exams to be examined. Serious things to be thingied.

Today we have decided on Operation La Belle France.

The whole gang went to school wearing our berets like
les françaises
and also with our collars on our coats turned up. Rosie even brought a bunch of onions for Henri, which in my personal opinion is taking things just that little bit too far. He was all groovy and smiley and said, “
Merci, mademoiselle
, I will make the
delicieusement soupe a l'oignonce soir
and I will think of you when I eat it.”

Which is a plus and a minus in my book.
Très bon
to be thought of by Henri but not so
bon
to be associated with onions. He said it all in
la française
and I knew what he meant. I smiled at him to let him know that I knew what it meant.

11:00 a.m.

The French test didn't seem all that difficult.

We have got Henri fever. Badly. All this morning we wandered round going “Haw he haw he haw” in a French accent.

p.e.

1:30 p.m.

I think even Miss Stamp might be on the turn because of Henri. I could have sworn she has had a shave.

break

2:30 p.m.

Ellen and me were sitting on the radiator near the vending machine. In these cold autumn days it's quite pleasant having toastie knickers. I said to Ellen with great casualosity, “How's it going with you and Dave the Laugh?”

She said, “Quite cool.”

What does that mean? I tell you what it means: it means that he hasn't told her about our accidental snog.

I may live to snog another day.

saturday november 13th

11:00 a.m.

Very, very bad Sex God withdrawal.

midday

Even though I am not in the mood for shopping
because I am so sad and aloney I forced myself to ask Mum for a fiver and made an effort to go out. Rosie, Jools, Ellen and Jas and me met at Luigi's as normal and then went off to Miss Selfridge. On the way there we had to go through the town center and we were just walking along all linked up when we saw Dave the Laugh with Rollo and a couple of other mates. Uh-oh.

Dave the Laugh said, “Hi, dream chicks.”

He is a very fit-looking boy. It's funny that even though, of course, I am really sorry (honestly, Jesus) about the red-bottom business, it is always nice to see him. I never feel like such a stupid loon round him as I do with the Sex God. We were close to Jennings the greengrocer's, where Tom works, so Jas HAD to pop in to see her so-called boyfriend.

I said, “Ask him if he has got any firm legumes.” But she didn't pay any attention to me.

Ellen was being really girlie round Dave and flicking her hair about. They were chatting and I was pretending to be looking at things with Rosie. But really I wanted to know what Dave the L was saying to Ellen. I still didn't know if they were official snogging partners.

The lads went off and Dave gave Ellen a little kiss on her cheek.

It made me feel a bit funny, actually. I don't know why.

3:00 p.m.

Ellen was all stupid for the rest of the afternoon. She is going to the flicks tonight, so she said she had to go home to get ready. I said to Rosie, “So are they an item then?”

Rosie said, “I know that she thinks he's really cool, but she won't tell me what number they have got up to. She says it's private.”

I said, “That's pathetic.”

And Rosie said, “I know, but I'll keep my beadies on them tonight at the cinema and see if I can tell.”

It turns out that everyone—Jas and Tom, Rosie and Sven, Ellen and Dave, Jools and Rollo and a few more couples—are all going out together tonight. Everyone, that is, besides me.

Merde.

I am a goosegog in my own country.

3:30 p.m.

Phoned Jas.

“I am a goosegog in my own country.”

“Well, come along tonight then.”

“I can't. You'll all be having a snogging fest. Don't worry. I'll just stay in whilst my best mates all go out together.”

She said, “Oh, OK then. See you later.”

Charming. And typico.

8:00 p.m.

SG phoned. Oooohhhhh. The record company wants to sign them up!!! They are going along to this big music industry party tonight at some trendy club.

midnight

I am a pop widow.

sunday november 14th
lunchtime

1:10 p.m.

Phoned Rosie. She said, “
Bonjour, ma petite
pal.”

“What are you doing?”

“Having an Abba afternoon. I am wearing my
mum's old crochet bikini and…Sven! Careful of that glass chandelier!!”

In the background I could hear all this clattering and, “Oh
ja
, oh
ja
, oh
ja
!”

I said, “What is Sven doing?”

“He's juggling.”

Of course he was. Why do I ask?

2:00 p.m.

Jas is swotting with her boyfriend AGAIN.

No one will play with me. They are all doing their homework. Huh.

8:00 p.m

Alarmingly, I found myself in my room doing some French homework!!! Even Dad came to the door to look. This is a new sign of my maturiosity. Also, I must make sure I can order things in Paris when I am traveling over there with the band. I would feel like a fool if I didn't even know how to order mascara.

9:00 p.m.

The evening did end on a high note though. When I was in the kitchen making myself milky pops for
my restless urges, Vati was hanging round in there. Talking to me and asking me stuff. I told him all about the SG and Dave the L (not). Then he said, “I think that Angus has definitely calmed down.”

At that moment Angus came in through the cat flap in what can only be described as a bird's nest hat.

I love him, I love him!!!

monday november 15th
french

1:30 p.m.

Hmmm. Henri gave us back our test papers and I had come top!!! All the ace crew looked at me in amazement.

Jools said, “
Sacré
bloody
bleu
.”

But Henri gave me a really dishy smile. He said, “This is vair, vair well done, m'mselle.”

Blimey O'Reilly's trousers. He is quite literally GORGEOUS! If I wasn't the girlfriend of a Sex God and also dying to go to the piddly diddly department I would have snogged him on the spot.

break

2:30 p.m.

As we left French and went to the canteen Henri was ahead of us. He has got excellent bottomosity. Herr Kamyer came bounding and dithering along the corridor. He looked delighted to see Henri.