Louise Rennison_Georgia Nicolson 03 (9 page)

And I said, “Yes, er. I think…I'll like, you know…just er…you know, go and…er…go…”

But neither of us knew what we were talking about.

This time my big red bottom has taken things too far.

2:00 a.m.

Am I a scarlet-bottomed vixen?

What will I say to Robbie?

2:30 a.m.

For heaven's sake. It was just a little kiss! I am a teenager, I've got whatsit…lust for life. Also it was probably my hormones that made me do it (Officer).

3:00 a.m.

What's a little kiss between exes?

3:01 a.m.

And a tiny bit of tongues.

3:03 a.m.

And nip libbling.

3:05 a.m.

NIP LIBBLING??? What in the name of Jas's commodious panties am I talking about? You see. I am so upset I have got internal dyslexia. I mean lip nibbling, not nip libbling.

Anyway, I am not alone on the Guilt Train because Dave the Laugh is also on it. He is a two-timer with Ellen.

3:10 a.m.

Oh God, she is my mate. I am bad bad baddy bad bad. Jesus would never snog his mate's boyfriend.

3:15 a.m.

I will probably never be able to sleep again.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

sunday november 7th

9:00 a.m.

The phone rang. Libby answered it. “Heggo? Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes, listen.”

I could hear her singing her version of “Dancing Queen,” and there was a sort of banging noise as well—she would be doing the accompanying dance. God help the poor sod who was on the other end of the phone.

“Dancing bean…dancing bean…feel the touch of my tangerine…ine…”

It was so loud that even Mutti was forced to get up to try to shut her up. She said, “Libby, let Mummy talk.” There was the sound of a struggle and spitting and then I heard Mum say, “Hello? Oh yes, well hang on. I'll see if she's up.” She shouted up the stairs, “Georgia, it's Robbie for you.”

I shot out of bed and downstairs. Checking in the mirror to make sure I didn't have idiot hair. Although that meant the Sex God would have X-ray vision if he could see down the telephone.

Perhaps he did have extrasensory whatsit and he would sense my red-bottomosity. Oh God. The Sex God!!! As she handed over the phone Mum winked at me. Shutupshutup winking.

I tried not to sound like a scarlet minx. I wanted to achieve casualosity with a hint of maturiosity. With no suggestion of red-bottomosity.

“Hi.” (How cool is that? V. cool, that's how.)

“Georgia? What happened last night? Where were you? Jas said that you got in trouble with your dad and had to leave.”

Phew. For once in her life Jas had actually done something right.

I said, “Er…yes, he got the mega hump like he always does and, er…well, actually if I hadn't have gone he would have come in and danced and no one wants to see him doing the Twist.” What in the name of Beelzebub was I talking about?

Robbie seemed to relax then. He said, “Listen, I'm really sorry about last night. I really wanted to be round you and then there was the Lindsay thing…and the bloke from the record company being there. He wanted to speak to us after the gig.”

Anyway, it was really dreamy talking to him. The record bloke wants to sign up The Stiff Dylans.

Wow!!

Robbie said he would meet me at the bottom of the hill at lunchtime.

10:30 a.m.

Mutti followed me into my bedroom. She said, “So, Robbie…hmmm. Who is he then? Which school does he go to? He sounds quite sexy on the phone.” (Erlack, my parents are OBSESSED with sex.) I went on applying my natural-looking makeup (just a hint of daytime glitter). I am not officially speaking to her either (as she is the cat molester's hand-maiden). Except to ask her for my pocket money.

Mum went raving on. “Look, come on, love, stop sulking. It was the only thing to do. It's cruel to keep a wild animal cooped up all the time.”

I said, “Well, let Vati go and have a sniff round in the garden then.”

She went all parenty. “It's not funny to be so rude. We are only trying to do our best.” She looked like she was going to cry as she went out.

Oh poo. Poo and
merde
.

10:00 p.m.

It was fab!!! Being with my BOYFRIEND. And what is fabbier is that we bumped into a couple of
Robbie's mates and went round to their house. Dom was there from The Stiff Dylans. He looked at me a bit funny. I wonder if he thinks I really want to get off with his dad. Oh
sacré bleu
. No one else was there that I knew; they were mostly much older than me. How cool is that? And Robbie was holding my hand!!! In front of them!!!

One of them asked me what I was going to do at university. Er. I said, “Backup dancing.” I don't know why.

I didn't say anything else after that. I just smiled like an imbecile a lot.

Dom and Robbie talked about their record deal. They're all really nice. Then John asked me if I smoked and I said only if my hair is on fire, and they just looked at me.

11:30 p.m.

SG said he really rates me. He did the neck-kissing stuff and ear snogging. It was so dreamy. My only slight worry is Rosie's theory of things growing if they get snogged (like your lips). If he goes on snogging my ears, will I get elephant ears?

midnight

Lalalalalalalalalalala.

12:30 a.m.

I closed my eyes and started doing dreamy dreamy about snogging the SG. Doing a sort of rerun of the highlights. Mmmm. But then as Robbie stuck his tongue in one ear Dave the Laugh appeared out of nowhere. And stuck his tongue in my other ear.

12:45 a.m.

Like an ear kabob.

1:15 a.m.

That is it. I have put my red bottom to bed. It will not be rearing its ugly head again.

My nip libbling days are over.

I am and always will be the girlfriend of a Sex God.

The End.

1:30 a.m.

Still, it's a bit weird being with people older than me.

monday november 8th

7:45 a.m.

Woken at the crack of dawn by Vati yelling and carrying on downstairs. He was singing, “The boys are back in town, the boys are back in town. Yesssssss! Owzat!!!!!!!! The boy's a genius!!!!!!”

It turns out some fool has offered him a job. He is going to be in charge of waterworks or something. I said, “We'd better dig a well then.”

But M and V were too busy snogging each other to hear me. Erlack a pongoes. Also they seem to be failing to notice that they do not exist for me.

Vati was UNBEARABLE at breakfast, wearing his dressing gown slung round his shoulders like a sort of prizefighter and lifting Libby above his head with one hand. Actually, that bit was quite funny because she clung on to the overhead lamp and wouldn't let go, and he very nearly lost his rag. I think he must be in some sort of hormonal middle-age thing because his moods are very unpredictable. One minute it's all jokes; the next minute you ask him for a measly fiver and he goes ballistic. He is alarmingly bonkers. And chubby. And a cat molester.

8:15 a.m.

Met Jas. She said, “I told Robbie what you told me to, but I still don't understand why you had to rush off.”

“Dad had got his balaclava on.”

“Oh right, I see. Yes.”

And alarmingly she seemed quite satisfied. That is the trouble with telling people porkies—it is so easy. Should I confess about Dave the Laugh? Jas is my best friend. We know everything about each other. I, for instance, have seen her knickers. But on the other hand, she can be a terrible pain about morals and stuff. She might say it wasn't very nice of me as Ellen is my friend, etc., etc.

Hmmm. I'll think about it later. In the next life.

assembly

9:00 a.m.

Ellen said, “Sorry I was a bit moody and stressy with you on Saturday; I know you were just trying to cheer me up. Dave the Laugh turned up just after I'd gone. Typical!”

OhmyGod. I am a facsimile of a sham of a friend.

french

1:30 p.m.

The whole school has gone bonkers!!! Our new student French teacher turns out to be a David Ginola look-alike!!! Honestly. He's bloody gorgeous. When he walked in even Rosie stopped plucking her eyebrows. Monsieur “Pliss Call Me Henri” has got sort of longish hair and really tight blue jeans. We are keen as
la moutarde
on French now. Any time he asks anything everyone puts their hands up. I can't remember the last time I saw anyone put their hand up in French. Usually we put our heads on our desks for a little snooze and just let our arms flop over if we are supposed to be answering anything. It's our little way of letting Madame Slack know how interested we are in Patapouf and Clicquot. Or whatever sad French people she is talking about.

break

2:30 p.m.

And it isn't just us—you should see the teachers. I even saw Hawkeye giggling when she was talking to Pliss Call Me Henri!

The saddest of all is Herr Kamyer, who has
gone completely giddy at having another man in the building. Unfortunately, his idea of bonding involves a lot of spasmodic dithering about and saying “Oh,
ja
. Oh,
ja sehr
interestink, Henri.”

When Monsieur Henri opened the staff room door for Miss Wilson, her tragic seventies bob nearly fell off. They are all being pathetic, pretending to be interested in garlic and Edith Piaf and so on. Sad.

I, of course, as anyone who knows me will tell you, have always loved
la belle
France.

4:40 p.m.

On the way home I said to Jas, “I have always
aim
ed
la belle
France.”

“You said you didn't like it because it was full of French people.”

“Well, there is that, but apart from that I
aime
it very much.”

dinnertime

6:00 p.m.

I said to Mutti, “Can we have wine with our fish fingers like they do in
la belle
France?”

She just said, “Don't be ridiculous.”

6:20 p.m.

Vati is bringing Angus home from the vet's tonight. Libby and me have made a hospital bed sort of thing out of his cat basket and some old blankets. Libby put one-eyed Teddy in it as well.

He'll be so sad and probably in agony. He will be a facsimile of a sham of his former cathood. He will just be like other cats now. Not the magnificent half cat–half Labrador that he used to be.

I said to Mutti, “I hope it will not put you off your beauty regime, having Angus's trouser snake addendums on your conscience.”

7:30 p.m.

Hahahahahaha. Angus leapt out of his cat cage and immediately attacked Vati's trousers. When Dad went to put the car in the garage Angus shot out into the garden and over the wall. I heard Snowy and Whitey yapping and Mr. Next Door yelling.

Happy days!

my bedroom

7:50 p.m.

Although it's a laugh having the French heart-throb around, it hasn't quite taken my mind off my
unfaithfulness with Dave the L. I don't know what to do. Am I the only person who has a secret red bottom? Oh, I have such guiltosity.

8:00 p.m.

How can I concentrate on my French homework? Even if I had remembered to bring it home from school with me.

In my book about not sweating the small stuff it says, “Don't keep your pain a secret.”

Rang Jas. Even she is quite swoony about Henri. “He's quite, you know…handsome, isn't he? In a French way.”

I said, “
Mais oui. Très sportif.
Er…but lots of
les garçons
are, aren't they? It's natural at our age to be attracted to good-looking guys.”

Jas was raving on, unaware of my secret pain. “No, I don't think so. It's only Tom for me. He is my one and only Hunky.”

Good Lord. I said. “Yes, but you said Henri was quite handsome.”

“I know, but that is just fantasy, isn't it? I wouldn't dream of doing anything about it.”

“Yes, but what if, for instance, it was hot and you thought he was going to say he loved you and
then you noticed he was wearing a red false nose. What then?”

She pretended not to know what I was talking about. I must bear my secret burden of pain alone.
Quel dommage
.

One thing is for sure, I must never speak to Dave the Laugh again. I must eschew him with a firm hand.

9:00 p.m.

Dave the Laugh rang!

Uh-oh. He said, “Georgia. I just rang to say don't worry about anything. I know how weird you can get. But it's OK. We just had a laugh. No one needs to know anything about it. We can be mates. Don't worry, Mrs. Mad.”

Crikey. How grown-up is that? Scarily grown-up.

He's right though. I am just too sensitive for my own good. I should relax. It was just a little kiss.

9:05 p.m.

And lip nibble. With a hint of tongues.

But that is all.

11:05 p.m.

I wonder what number on the snogging scale nip libbling should be.

11:10 p.m.

Emergency snogging scale update:

• (1)
  holding hands
  
• (2)
  arm around
  
• (3)
  good-night kiss
  
• (4)
  kiss lasting over three minutes without a breath
  
• (5)
  open-mouth kissing
  
• (6)
  tongues
  
• (6¼)
  nip libbling
  
• (6½
  ) ear snogging
  
• (7)
  upper body fondling—outdoors
  
• (8)
  upper body fondling—indoors (in bed)
  
• (9)
  below waist activity (b.w.a.) and
  
• (10)
  the full monty