Authors: Robert Orben
Also by Robert Orben
THE JOKE-TELLER'S HANDBOOK
THE AD-LIBBER'S HANDBOOK
THE ENCYCLOPEDIA OF ONE-LINER COMEDY
ORBEN'S CURRENT COMEDY
a topical humor service for public speakers
Library of Congress Catalog Card Number 78-22538
Copyright Â© 1971, 1972, 1979 by Robert Orben
All Rights Reserved
There is no better, faster, or more effective way to reach out and grab an audience's attention than by the adroit use of humor. An apt, well-timed joke can soothe the hostile, focus the uninterested, and hypo the enthusiastic.
Here are more than 2500 short, sharp laugh-getters that can be easily added to speeches, lectures, presentations, or casual conversation. They are arranged into several hundred categories for ease of selection. The subject matter is topical and the construction modern. Most are one-liners that develop the thought, the straight line, and the punch line in as few words as possible. The one-liner moves with a snap and a sizzle that create a sense of spontaneity lacking in anecdotes and stories. It is the humor of today.
Touching all speech bases, you will find openings and closings, plus random and specific comment invaluable to anyone who has ever been called upon to “say a few words.” Even the material in the various subject categories has been arranged so that it forms a rough continuity. All you have to do is select and speak.
Those who can bring a smile, a giggle, or a belly laugh into our day are the most welcome of friends, neighbors, or business associates. It has often been said that humor is contagious. With the help of this book, you can be a carrier.
Bob OrbenÂ Â Â Â
Our Accounting Department is the office that has the little red box on the wall with the sign saying:
IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, BREAK GLASS.
And inside are two tickets to Brazil.
Have you noticed how everybody's a comedian these days? Yesterday our accountant said he had a wonderful system for reducing our bills. I said, “That's great. What's it called?” He said, “Microfilm.”
Our accountant has such a vivid way of putting things. Yesterday I asked him what our profit picture looked like. He said, “Well, let me put it this way: If you were a trapeze artist, you wouldn't want our net!”
We have a bookkeeper who's shy and retiring. He's shy $200,000. That's why he's retiring.
Some company reports use the Dolly Parton technique.
They put a good front on everything.
Accounts receivable are bill-gotten gains.
Maybe you heard of our billing department.
It's known as the House of Ill Compute.
Life is so unfair. I have fourteen accounts that have gone bad and a secretary who won't.
There's nothing more frightening than sending a large shipment to a new account and then getting a D & B report that shows their assets are in the low five figuresâ$101.38.
I called up one account and said, “You know something? We've done more for you than your own mother.” He said, “How do you figure that?” I said, “She only carried you for nine months. We've been doing it for a year!”