Love and Truth (12 page)

“Wow, Nic, this must be serious. Tell me what he did?”

I started from the beginning. I told her about our amazing first day together and our kiss, my first kiss.

“I’m so sorry, Nic. It really sucks that something like this happens when you finally connect with a guy for the first time in your life. I don’t know what to tell you. I mean, have you considered that maybe he had a really good reason for hiding the truth from you? I know it blows that he lied, but what if he was lying to protect you or lying to protect Emiko?”

I sighed into the phone, not wanting to admit that I had already considered that many times. “I know, Annie. He could have been protecting one or both of us, but he did it so effortlessly. He looked right at me and lied with such ease. That isn’t the kind of person that I want to be with.”

“Listen, Nic. You have to go with your gut, but all I’m telling you is that you should consider that not all lies are equal. A selfish lie is unforgivable, but lying for a completely unselfish reason is another story. If he lied for the advantage of someone else, because he cared enough to safeguard their feelings while jeopardizing getting caught, I think you should reconsider kicking his ass to the curb. It’s possible that the lie was more painful for him to tell than it was for you to hear.”

Annie was waxing poetic all of a sudden. I never thought I would see the day.

“Annie, you weren’t here. You didn’t see him. He was not in pain; not until he knew he was caught and I told him to get the hell out of my room.”

“Okay, Nic, but I think you need to think on this, because I’ve spent all of my teen years watching you be the ultimate ice queen around guys who would make most girls panties wet. Then this guy comes along and sweeps you off your feet in a span of a few days and you just walk away at the first sign of trouble. I think you have to find out why he lied and what he lied about, then base your decision on that; and remember, I love you no matter what happens. That is my honest to God best friend advice, no bullshit attached, take it or leave it. Either way I am here for you. I love you, Nicole. I just want to see you find fucking happiness. You deserve it more than anyone I know.”

I smiled. This was why I loved her. She always hit the nail on the head when it counted. She had a huge heart under all of that bravado and I loved her to pieces for it.

“Annie, I love you too. You’re always there when I need you most and I’m so lucky to have you as my best friend. This whole ordeal has my world spinning off its axis and I have no one to turn to here. Thank you for listening to my whiny ass and for helping me see this from a different perspective even if I didn’t want to.”

“Yes, your ass was whiny, but since you have such a fine ass I’ll give you a free pass this time.” We laughed and my heart felt a little less heavy.

“I’m gonna have to get off here and go to bed. Otherwise, I’m going to be a zombie in the morning from all the crying that I’ve done tonight. I’ll call or email you when I decide how to approach Jonathan about this. I love you lots and I miss your face!”

“I miss your face too, chica!”

Chapter Eight

I woke up to the sun seeping through the cracks of the blinds and blasting my eyes. I squinted and groaned, wishing I could sleep for the rest of the day. The memory of last night flooded back; I wished it was a twisted nightmare. But the truth was inescapable – Jonathan and Emiko shared a sordid secret, apparently so dreadful that he felt he had to lie to me about it. Annie convinced me to at least find out why he lied. The problem was that I had no idea how to contact him. We hadn’t exchanged phone numbers and I didn’t know where he lived. I could try going to the café in hopes that he would show up there, but I knew that was a long shot. He probably wanted nothing to do with me, so I was sure he wouldn’t be at the only place where I might be. From the look on his face last night as he left, he wanted to walk away-not to mention he was caught red handed in a lie, so why would he go to a place he knew I might possibly be?

I dragged myself out of bed and into a hot shower. I got dressed and stumbled downstairs.

“
Ohayou gozaimasu,
Nicole san,” Ms. Nobuko said, raising her eyebrows. Everyone was gone and my mind drifted to Emiko. I hoped she was okay. What a terrible person I was, not checking on her last night. I couldn’t forget her stricken expression. I rubbed my temples and exhaled deeply. My head was pounding and I felt like a truck ran me over. It had been too many days since I danced last and my body was going into withdrawals. Thank God it was Thursday and I had class on Monday. I needed the release.

Ms. Nobuko walked to the counter and picked up an envelope. She handed it to me and patted me on the back. I turned the envelope over and rubbed my fingers across the Japanese symbols. I looked up Ms. Nobuko with confusion.

“
Yurusu
,” she said. I excused myself and went to my room. I pulled out my digital translator and typed it in.
Forgive Me.
My eyes welled with tears. A couple of them splashed onto the envelope, smearing the beautiful calligraphic symbols. I tore it open and unfolded the pages. A pressed flower fell onto my lap; a beautiful chrysanthemum and a beautiful fragrance washed over me. I rubbed the pad of my thumb over the petals and set it aside. I stared at the letter, written in careful English.

Nicole,

I can’t even begin to express to you how sorry I am about last night. Causing you pain is the last thing I ever wanted to do. Seeing the betrayal and hurt in your eyes last night was more agonizing than I can say. You came along and woke my heart up again and I repaid you with only heartache. You asked me to be careful with your heart and I let you down. I know that asking you to forgive me is too much right now, even though that’s what I desperately want. The first step to earning your forgiveness will be honesty. Honesty that I should’ve been brave enough to share with you last night. I will not excuse my choice, but I need you to know that my lying to you was not malicious. I was frightened and so worried that I’d lose you before I ever really had you. What Emiko told me last night was the second hardest blow in my life, after my father’s death. Even though I was a baby his death put my life on a different path and it was never the same again. The same thing happened to me last night and I didn’t know how to deal with it. All I wanted to do was put on a mask and come say goodbye to you before I left; to go wallow in my self-pity while trying to figure out how to navigate the tragic revelation that just ripped its way into my life. I’m sorrier than you’ll ever know.

After Leah turned down my proposal last year, I fell into a tailspin. I started drinking heavily and partying more than I ever had before. I wasn’t dating but I was hooking up with girls. I did a lot of things I’m not proud of. I thought those days were long gone, but unfortunately sometimes one can never fully escape the failures of their past without consequence.

One night 10 months ago, I was walking home from the dojo and saw Emiko and a friend walking to her house. I stopped and talked with them for a minute and ended up inviting them to go out with Hiro, Izo and myself to a local Izakaya. An Izakaya is like a bar/restaurant where people generally eat and drink sake. There’s no age limit at an Izakaya so anyone can go in. Emiko and her friend Mina didn’t drink, but I got completely wasted. Emiko has always had a crush on Hiro and they sat together and flirted all night. By the end of the night they decided to leave together and she asked if me or Izo could make sure Mina got a cab. I could tell that Mina liked me so I went with it. She was a pretty girl and I was drunk and lonely. I ended up taking her to a motel room after leaving the Izakaya and we had sex. I don’t even remember when I left, but all I know is that I woke up the next morning at home with a nasty hangover and a foggy memory. I was a typical asshole and never called her. I just pushed it out of my mind and hoped I wouldn’t have to face her again. It’s terrible, I know, and I’m sure that hearing this repulses you. But I vowed to myself this morning that I would tell you the whole truth, even thoughI it’s ugly. I wish that’s where the story ends, but it isn’t.

Last night Emiko told me that Mina got pregnant and that I was the father. She refused to tell her parents who the father was and her parents moved her to the mainland with her grandparents to have the baby and to avoid shaming her family. Two months after she moved in with her grandparents she miscarried and lost the baby. She stayed with them for a while longer, recovering from the miscarriage. Then she finished the school year there. She just returned to Okinawa 2 weeks ago and is now back at her parents’ house. Mina holds what happened against Emiko because she was the one that told her how great of a guy I was and that I was newly single. This is why Emiko was so angry with me. She said that I used her best friend and cost her a friendship. She explained that Mina had endured a huge tragedy and she just couldn’t bear to watch me get involved with you, knowing what I had done.

I tried to contact Mina today unsuccessfully, even though I know that she never wants to see my face again. As useless as it may be to apologize to her, I still need to do it. I have to repent for the death of a child that I’ll never know, and for a careless mistake that ruined a young girl’s life. I can’t blame the alcohol or the heartache that I was going through on that night, because blame only forces you to give up your power to change. I can only learn from this painful disaster and pray that I’ll one day forgiven. Forgiving myself is going to be the hardest part of all. I beg you to understand that this awful mistake does not represent who I am as a man. Quoting Giovanni, I will say this, “Mistakes are a fact of life. It is the response to the error that counts.”

Please know that seeing you that night was the single most wonderful moment of my life. I know you say it’s too fast, but what I felt when I saw you has no name. There are no words to describe it. It’s as if my heart found home in your eyes up there on that balcony and I can’t simply walk away from you without a fight. I care about you, Nicole Harrison, and I’m going to do everything possible to redeem myself in your eyes if you’ll let me.

In Japan, the white chrysanthemum is a symbol of loyal love and truth. I have pressed one in the pages of this letter to represent my will to be open and honest with you from here on out, no matter what, if you should choose to forgive me. If you don’t, please know you will reside in a special part of my heart forever.

Ai Wa Katsu,

J

The letter slipped from my hands and tears plummeted from my eyes. Trying to absorb everything I had read was like having a knife twisted through a fresh wound. How was I supposed to recover from this? How was I going to look Emiko in the face and not feel shame for rubbing Jonathan in her face? How could he burden me with so much by asking me to forgive him for something so horrible?

There were too many questions and too much self-doubt. I wondered if I should pack my things and go back home. I looked back down at the letter and the last words he wrote.”
Ai Wa Katsu
.

“Love Conquers All,” my translator told me. The tears fell like a dam had burst inside of me. All of my walls were crashing down, smashing every ounce of resolve left in my body. I knew I would need time to wade through the ocean of emotions swirling around me. Jonathan Hayes still had a grip on a portion of my heart and I didn’t know if I wanted it to be released.

Chapter Nine

I had to find a way to deal with everything Jonathan’s letter said. I strapped my Adidas on and headed out the door. I needed a way to handle the tension coursing through me. After a short run, I could come home and steam all of my clothes, email my parents, and tell Annie about the flower and the letter. I offered to help Ms. Nobuko around the house but she patted me on the back.

“No, no okay.”

I finally decided to go out and sit on the bench in the zen garden to reflect on everything. I wasn’t sure what I’d say to Jonathan, if given the chance. What he did to that poor girl was awful and the way he lied to me so easily continued to haunt me. The words from his letter kept tapping me on the shoulder, along with Annie’s advice to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them and rested my chin. I absorbed the serenity and tried to clear my mind. I closed my eyes and slowly exhaled. Suddenly, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I shivered and turned around, finding Emiko smiling.