Love Found in California (The Washington Triplets) (5 page)

Ryan’s hand extends out to mine, our fingers hold onto each other and for a brief moment I’m reminded of all the reasons I said yes. “Thank you,” he says to the nurse and then plants his eyes on mine as he says, “I’ve got you. Hold on to me tight.” His free hand moves around my waist as he guides me upward out of the wheelchair.

“Thank you for everything,” I tell the nurse who was with me most of my time in the emergency room, and then bend to get into Ryan’s car. Once inside, Ryan pulls my seatbelt across me and snaps it in, just like my mom used to when I was a kid. His lips come to mine soft and tender, holding in place until we both hear the strum of another car pulling up behind us. When he releases my lips, he moves his to my forehead for a quick peck. I’d love to sink myself deep into his miracle-working lips and forget all about this and everything else that looms around in my head.

THREE DAYS LATER, AFTER BEING
waited on hand and foot by Ryan, I’m finally feeling quite a bit better ... A little bruised and sore, but other than that, not too bad. Ryan set up the spare room as an office to do all of his work. I kept insisting he could go to the office, but he refused every time, and firmly too. Every hour, maybe even minutes, I waited for Ryan to blow up or snap at me, but it never happened. He didn’t care one bit about the cost of the accident and was pushing even more than before to buy me a new car. Like always, his arms made me feel safe and secure and his words raced my pulse, but it stopped there. I wanted him to touch me more, to explore my body and for me to take him over. Insecurity became my old friend again, lurking behind every pure thought, questioning every action.

We needed to talk, but he didn’t want to push me and I certainly wasn’t going to willingly initiate the conversation. Yet I craved this break in our relationship. I love Ryan, more than anything, and know we do not have the history most couples have to base our relationship on. We’re learning as we go …

After that first kiss on the beach, I knew I was ruined. I could never turn back from this and have my heart in tact or solely my own again. Internally, I begged myself to break this off, walk away, be strong and just pursue my career … but each day after work we became closer and kissed more. The rumors spread like rapid fire and it only increased my anxiety.

“Mik, don’t listen to any of it. Rumors occur at any office.” He tried to ease my worry, but my face pinched together with the stress. “I can take care of every rumor if you’d like. I’ll put everyone in their place—”

I cut him off, “No, no that will only make it worse. I-I don’t know. Maybe—”

This time he cut me off, mere inches from my face. “Absolutely not, Mik.” His voice shook with finality, but his hands held me securely to his chest. “How could you even begin to suggest that?”

“I know, but, but … I’m worried about the outcome.” My voice actually trembled, wavered more than I had heard it in years. “Just hear me out. Maybe if we take a break from it, the rumors will stop and then we can see. I can’t lose this job and obviously this is your career and everything to you.”

His arms loosened and I instantly felt lost, insecure and red, mixing with the blue swirling through me. Maybe it was a magenta color invading me, something new. I felt raw and exposed, but for the first time I wanted it and yet I knew it was a bad idea. Too much could be at risk. He blinked his eyes rapidly as if trying to process my words and then he spoke softly, “You know, as well as I do, I know you do. Look into my eyes, Mik. This is different. It’s never been like this for me. And I know for you either. Don’t you trust me?”

I stared back, hypnotized by his charisma and his ability to draw me in with such delicacy and tenderness. My words caught in the middle of my throat, the lump too large to swallow past. He was right, this was like no other relationship I had ever had. My heart rattled inside me, hopeful and hurting all at the same time. Trust. Trust. Trust? I couldn’t be sure I knew what trust was anymore.

When his fingers traced my face and his lips came close to mine I pulled back, probably too sharp because Ryan flinched in response. “We just have to stop. No more.” My tone had been taken over by the part of me he knew little about, the part where reds and blues overtook me.

I scurried clumsily around his desk and left his office as quick as my feet could. My insecure inner-self begged me to leave the office, maybe even the city or state, until this all went away. The rest of the day I felt bile rising up, on and off. It had only been two and half months, but damn if this didn’t hurt like hell. The bond I had with Ryan was not something I could bury, shake off or go to therapy for. I knew I was screwed.

“Ry?” I ask as he pulls on his jeans past his hips. His hair shining with moisture from his shower and his face looking the youngest and most playful that I have seen it in days.

He bends his head with a smile and asks back, “Mik?”

“Stop,” I retort with a smirk.

“What, love?”

“Should we um, should …” I try to stutter out my question without sounding whiny or childlike, but fail miserably. Ryan zips his jeans and crawls up the bed shirtless. As I watch his stealth-like crawl, my breath catches, making me feel warm and light. When he reaches the top, he lays on his side, facing me with his elbow propped up and holding his head.

“Talk?” He finishes my question for me.

“Yea,” I say on an exhaled breath, fighting to keep my emotions in check.

“Well, how are you feeling, first?”

Untangling the sheets from me, I turn on my side and match his exact position before I respond nervously. “Better. I’m fine and can definitely return to work.” My free hand cups his cheek and we both pause to just stare.

I break the silence first this time. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” His eyes do more than question my apology. They seem to be begging for more from me.

My eyes dart low, almost shutting, to avoid his prying. He’s right though, there is probably more I should be sorry for. The accident is really not the root for concern. “I’ll be right back.” He rolls off the bed with my hand now empty of his cheek. Moving myself to lean against the headboard I curl my legs up to my chin and wrap my arms around them. My nightgown slips down to my thighs, but still manages to cover my bottom. It’s probably more modest than Ryan would prefer, but it’s a comfortable cotton, especially for the hot nights.

Ryan walks back into our bedroom, still shirtless, holding something small and white in his hand. He sits next to me with a row of even space between us. The sheets and comforter are all gathered at the end of the bed and both our bodies pull at the fitted sheet beneath us. While my legs remain curled up into me, Ryan’s stretch out long, crossing at his ankles, his bare tan feet exposed.

As I turn my head to him he smiles lovingly at me, and I can see his face strain slightly as he breathes in a shallow breath. Then he places a small rectangular-shaped card on the pulled sheet between us. I look down and instantly see what it is. My breathing stops, but Ryan pulls at my hands, releasing my legs. They fall limply down to the bed beneath me, feeling like jelly.

“I called and told them that you couldn’t make that appointment and that you were in accident,” he says cautiously.

I don’t speak at first because I literally cannot. He knows. My secrets are about to come crashing down on our world. This could change everything for me. The worry that he’ll push me away, decide this marriage is a sham and that I’m not worth it have colors flying through me … reds, blues, oranges, yellows … maybe it’s all black now. What could that mean? My breathing picks up in speed, but when I look at Ryan’s face I see kindness, concern and … love. As relief sets in I realize his love keeps me out of the dark, far away from purple.

Before any words come out, Ryan pulls me to him and places me between his legs. His lips kiss the back of my head as he pulls my hair all to one side. Then they trail down to my bare neck leaving goose bumps in their wake. “How did you find that?” I ask, amazed at my confidence.

“I came back early, to surprise you. When I came back here from picking up groceries to make you dinner, I found this on the floor next to the garbage can.” His arms grow tighter around me, but I tense at the thought of what I may have to tell him. “Is it because of me?”

I squirm in his embrace so that I can see his face, feeling a cut through me at his question. “God, no Ryan, I-I …”

He picks up where I fail to continue. “I know this has all been fast and sometimes I don’t handle things the right way, but I love you so much, Mik. More than life.” He pauses and I hear him swallowing deep. “What’s going on?”

“I was going to tell you everything, but I needed to get help with talking about it. That’s why I had the appointment.” My long hair sticks between the two of us so I pull at it and in the process turn myself to straddle his lap. Ryan’s hands rest on my bare thighs with his thumbs softly moving in circular motions. My nerves begin to calm and when I look out our sliding glass doors to see the ocean, my breathing steadies. I just stare out there watching the waves roughly crashing onto the shore and Ryan let’s me, giving me the space I need.

After I had walked out of Ryan’s office that day, we managed to stay clear of each other for three days … three long, sad and lonely days. Ryan kept communication with me strictly professional. I didn’t like it, not one bit. I didn’t know it was possible for me to crave the touch of a person. Not kissing Ryan for three days left me cold and I spent my free time daydreaming of our kisses.

Then one evening I worked late and when I got to my car I found a bouquet of flowers with a card. Quickly, I opened the card and it was a short note from Ryan.

My heartbeat drummed harder, louder by the second. My hands started to tremble and I watched the card shake in them. A fierce need to hear Ryan’s voice covered me from head to toe. The way he called me ‘Mik’ and ‘love’ all in the same sentence had began to push all the reds and blues down deep, so deep I was beginning to forget that part of my past.

“Can you tell me now?” Ryan licks his lips and then sucks them in between his teeth holding them there until I start to answer.

“I want to. I want to tell you everything. But …” The hazel in his eyes begins to take over the white as I begin to feel pressure from his hands tightening around my thighs. They skim up my thighs to the line of my panties, holding me in place. Running is the last thing I want to do right now though, but I can see the fear in his eyes. “Will you come with me to a session?”

“Mik, love, I’d do anything for you. Tell me you know that.” I scoot up on him bringing us closer and then kiss him, hard, long and with as much expression of love as I can. Moments later my cotton nightgown goes up and over my head, Ryan’s worn jeans come down and our bodies unite with me on top, where I’m most comfortable.

RYAN’S NOSE NUZZLES INTO MY
hairline around my neck and the wetness of his tongue slides along my sensitive skin, waking me easily. This is what I’m used to. This lets me know we’re okay. My hands itch to feel his skin and when I find his thigh behind me, the heat from him warms my hand instantly.