Love in the Vineyard (The Tavonesi Series Book 7) (38 page)

“May I offer some advice?”

Natasha nodded.

“Wait to tell Tyler about his father. Until we know better what might lie ahead—until we have a better grasp on what sort of man Edward Markiston truly is and how involved he might be in Tyler’s life. Until we know what is best to tell Tyler and how to orient him to such news.”

“Tyler really likes Adrian. In a deep place, I wish…” Her voice trailed off as her heart warred with her mind. “I wish so many aspects of our lives had been different.”

“Wishing is a coward’s way out, Natasha. Marburys don’t have that gene, dear. And I rather doubt your mother had it either.” She tapped a finger to Natasha’s heart. “The heart always knows its way forward. You might need to listen a bit more carefully to its advice.”

She headed for the door. Natasha grabbed the photos off the counter. “You forgot these.”

“Those are for you. I can see them anytime. I’m planning to move to Sonoma as soon as my real estate agent finds me a place near town.” She withdrew her gloves from her purse. “Oh, and one more thing, my dear—nothing happens in the universe by mistake. Keep that in mind.”

After Delia left, Natasha paced in front of the window overlooking her little green square of lawn.

She’d have help dealing with Eddie. And she had family. That was maybe the best part of all.

And Adrian? She needed to buck up and face the truth. She loved him.

But was Delia right? Was she a coward?

No, she was a realist.

Early on when she was falling in love with him, she’d fooled herself by believing it was money and privilege that created the gap between her and Adrian. Somehow believing that made her think she might surmount the problem. Win the lottery or something.
Anything
. But what she’d told Delia was true: their lives didn’t mesh and never would. But even beyond that truth was another, a fact impossible to deny—he liked her, she was sure of it, but he didn’t love her. He’d never even hinted at anything long term.

But then, neither had she.

She curled up in the chair where just an hour ago Delia had sat like some fairy godmother. The scent of lavender rose from the upholstery, a reminder that Natasha hadn’t hallucinated the entire episode.

She glanced around her small apartment.

Loneliness coursed through the shock waves bouncing around in her brain. Whatever the future held, she’d be living without Adrian. It didn’t make her feel any better to know she couldn’t have stopped herself from loving him. But she truly had thought she was ready for any outcome. She’d been wrong.

That night Natasha stood in the field beside her apartment and stared up at the stars. They appeared so tranquil, but yet there they were, busy burning away and spilling their energy out into the night sky. She thought of Delia’s last words to her—
nothing happens in the universe by mistake
.

She almost believed it.

She’d changed since moving to Sonoma, since she’d met Adrian and begun her work at the vineyard. Confidence bloomed, fed by facing truths she’d once feared.

One truth stood out—her life with her foster parents wasn’t her doing, not her fault. Deep in her body she felt the shame of those days release, freeing energy for her life ahead. The hole that had lurked deep and wide was filling. It wasn’t full yet, but she had firmer ground to stand on instead of sinking as she’d done in the past. Trust was beginning to grow in her, tender and still tentative, but there. And along with her budding trust in life, in herself, courage grew too. The gift of freedom loomed, calling to her.

But a constant question nagged—
why
hadn’t she told Adrian how she felt? Wasn’t she doing exactly what he’d done, making a choice for him by not revealing her true feelings? By not telling him she loved him?

When it came to love, maybe she was still a coward.

If she didn’t risk telling Adrian she loved him, she risked a loss far greater than heartbreak, far worse than the pain of disappointment. If she didn’t take the step that loving him had emboldened her to take, she would always know that she had let fear win, that she had folded and succumbed to its numbing restriction, that she had shut down the blessing that having him in her life had been. Her time with Adrian had forced her to grow and change, to become the full woman that loving him had allowed her to glimpse.

Loving Adrian had made her face and move beyond the walls blocking her from exploring the frontiers of her life—from trusting herself and from valuing her dreams. Loving him had lured her to find the strength and courage and confidence she’d never thought possible to find. Courage to be herself not because she had a man but because love had come to her and had shown her a new path.

And like a wild dragon charging in and banishing negative influences, making love with him had loosened the cords of shame that had bound her, had unraveled the net of fear that had kept her from feeling anything deeply, anything hopeful. And along with her newfound freedom came a grace she hadn’t imagined existed. A surrender she didn’t fear.

Didn’t she owe it to herself, to Tyler—to Adrian—to call up her courage and reach for love? To tell Adrian how loving him had strengthened her and had opened her to a love she hadn’t dared to believe could exist? To tell him the tender truth that she barely admitted to herself?

But even as her mind rallied, her heart trembled in her chest. The chasm she’d have to cross was wide. He would have to meet her halfway.

And maybe it
wasn’t
cowardice that held her back from telling Adrian she loved him. Maybe it was kindness.

He’d already given her so much. Asking him to leap the gap that separated them was inconceivable. And uncaring.

Perhaps she should simply be grateful for her new confidence and courage, for the skills she’d learned. Perhaps having known love in her own heart was enough. Maybe it was greedy to expect more.

And if he didn’t love her, she knew him well enough to know that forcing him to admit it would slash hurt into his heart. He was always looking out for the needs of others, to a fault, a fault he would someday have to face.

Perhaps the lesson—the gift—was her newfound strength, a gift she might never have discovered if it hadn’t been for him. She closed her eyes and let awareness of her growing strength surge through her. She could run the native plant business. Already she was reading better, working with numbers better. She could do it. She’d have help, Adrian had said so. She had a gift for plants, one she could—no, one she
would
—honor. Her mother had given up her dream, her career, to have her, to raise her. The least she could do was to make something of herself and follow her own dream, make her mother’s sacrifice count. She’d stay at the Casa and run the business. Maybe someday even start a business of her own. She owed it to her mother. To Tyler. To herself. Even to Adrian.

And though her heart was breaking in a thousand different ways, she felt a flame ignite. She’d done the right thing by sending Adrian away, by releasing him back into his world. She could go on. She would. And though some part of her would always yearn for what could have been with him, she’d have her memories. Surely those would be enough.

Natasha’s apartment was quiet the next morning, too quiet. Tyler had slept over at the Exeters’ with a couple of the other boys from his baseball team.

She poured herself a cup of coffee and wandered to the window overlooking her lawn.

Where she blinked repeatedly, not trusting her eyes.

Hundreds of long-stemmed roses stood upright like sentries, covering the space so thickly that she couldn’t see the grass between them. Tags fluttered from each of them, dancing in the light morning breeze.

She looked beyond the roses.

Adrian stood leaning against her mailbox with an unreadable expression on his face.

Her hands trembled as she set her coffee on the windowsill. Adrian didn’t move, just watched her through her window.

She dashed out onto her front steps. Her body shook and her heart pounded, making it hard to stand. She dropped to her knees, never letting her eyes leave his.

“That’s the position I had in mind for myself,” he said as he came up the walk and knelt beside her. “But I have a few things I need to say to you first.”

“How… How did you do this?”

“You once told me you loved roses.”

“But how…”

“Enrique and Parker helped me. It took two hours. He’s a good worker.”

“Parker?”

“
Enrique
. Parker supervised.”

Adrian took her hand in his and tugged her to her feet. At his touch, her heart melted. All her good intentions to keep her distance dissolved like bubbles in a breeze.

“Forgive my irrational act,” he said, sweeping his arm toward the rose-covered lawn. “I hope it will be my last. But I must apologize. I know now I was wrong to do what I did. I mean I was wrong in the
way
that I did it, making a decision that affected your life as I did, without consulting you.”

He released her hands.

“All my life I’ve lived in the shadow of my wealth, with resources and privilege I did nothing to earn. I’ve been fighting that demon shadow for longer than I can remember. It twisted how I could be with people, always making me second-guess the motives of everyone around me. And so I shut down my heart and buried myself in my work.”

His nervousness was contagious. She wished she didn’t fear the path ahead, the path that his words were traveling. She knew the power of a shut-down heart.

“I have always believed that wealth doesn’t truly belong to any single person. Those who have resources have a responsibility. And though my viewpoint is often unpopular in many circles, I believe—no, I
know
—that wealth is a contract with society, with the world. And when I came here I saw that I could finally make good on that contract. Give back where it counted and share what was bestowed on me in ways that could be meaningful, that improved lives and built strengths. But in my drive to fight back my shadows and feel worthy of such unearned blessings, I let my guilt blind me, make me desperate. And then you came along and cracked open my carefully crafted, carefully guarded world. I wanted to be worthy of you. I acted rashly. Thoughtlessly.”

She opened her mouth to protest, to say that she had played a role in the tragedy he was spinning, but he held up his hand.

“Please, I’m trying to stay on track with my apology. I was very wrong for not respecting your boundaries. For making a choice for you rather than consulting you.” He took her hand and ran his thumb over the back of it and then squeezed it in his fingers. Her pulse skittered in her chest as a smile curved into his lips. “But I was
right
about your capabilities and about your potential. I have such faith in you, Natasha. I can only see the sky as… the sky as a limit for you. Is that the phrase?”

Her pulse pounded as she watched him struggle for words.

“The sky’s the limit,” she said softly, offering him the words and blushing at his meaning.

“Yes, I see you in a vast sky.” He took her other hand in his and faced her with a solemn look, as if he were fighting back forces she couldn’t see. “I want you to be part of my life, of my horizon and beyond. Oh, my damned English! I want… To
hell
with it. I love you, Natasha. And I want to do
this
.”

Hunger flared as his lips crushed hers. No one but Adrian would ever sate the passion he’d awakened.

“Your English is devastating,” she said with a nervous laugh as he broke off the kiss.

“I had to do
something
to get your attention.”

He had. He’d told her he loved her. She didn’t imagine that he’d do
that
for every employee.

“You had me with the kiss.”

Their next kiss devastated her defenses.

“I want to do so much more than kiss you,” he said as he bent down and lifted her into his arms.

His heart beat against her cheek, keeping pace with her galloping thoughts. He wanted her to be part of his horizon, he’d said. Maybe she
could
live with having just a part of him. The way she craved him, maybe she didn’t have much choice.