Love Is a Secret (35 page)

63

By the time he felt able to leave the children and Hilary to ring Caroline, his wife was out of danger. The razor cut had been deep but it hadn’t pierced an artery. Not that she’d necessarily intended to. A cry for help, the nurses said.

He could have cried himself. ‘I can’t leave her now,’ he said.

‘I can see that.’

‘Maybe later,’ he added. There was a leaden silence. ‘I love you, Caro.’

Her voice was hesitant. ‘We hardly know each other.’

‘Maybe not in terms of years but we have something very special. You know that, don’t you?’

Her voice was almost inaudibly soft. ‘Yes.’

‘And what are you doing about Ben? It’s almost unbelievable. He must have been desperate.’

She sighed. ‘He was, but I couldn’t tell him off because I felt so guilty about the pain I must have caused him. I’ve told Roger.’

‘About us?’

‘Yes.’

A sharp thrill pulsed through him. That meant he was as important to her as she was to him.

‘He wants us to try again.’

His heart sank again. ‘And will you?’

‘I’m thinking about it. For the children.’

‘But what about us?’

‘Is there an “us”?’

‘There could be, one day. If Hilary is ever able to cope on her own.’

‘Mark, I need to think about it.’

Of course she did.

‘Me too.’

He hadn’t realised it until the words were out of his mouth.

His initial reaction on hearing her voice had been to run to her, make her his. But it was too soon. They both needed to adjust.

He might not love Hilary any more but she was still his responsibility, as were the kids. And Caroline wouldn’t feel right if she came straight from one relationship into another.

‘Do you want a break?’

He cleared his throat. ‘Maybe we should.’

‘OK.’

‘I’ll call you some time.’

‘Right.’ She put the phone down before he could say any more. But he’d done the right thing. Hadn’t he?

FROM ANTI-BULLYING ONLINE

Due to an unexpectedly high number of queries, we are no longer able to take any more individual problems. Please log on to our site for general advice. Tips include:

Siting the computer in a general family area so you can see what the children are doing

Warning the children never to give out personal details such as names and addresses

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64

ONLINE NEWS: BABY STILL MISSING. HOSPITAL DOCTOR CLAIMS THE KIDNAPPER MIGHT BE A FORMER PATIENT WHO LOST A BABY

‘I see, Steff. Thanks for letting me know.’ Susan put down the office phone. In one way, the call was a relief but in another it made her feel guilty. But what else could she have done? Steff had been right. They had had to contact Lisa’s GP – she’d grudgingly given them his name – and Lisa was in a psychiatric ward. The poor kid was still convinced she was pregnant.

Steff had added that, according to the GP, Lisa was settled and ‘comfortable’, whatever that meant. She wasn’t ready for visitors but maybe next week.

‘She should have been given more help after the miscarriages and then she might have coped,’ said Susan.

‘Maybe you’re right.’ Steff had sounded thoughtful. ‘Listen, there’s something else. No, actually, don’t worry. I’ll save it for later.’

‘OK,’ said Susan, bemused. Nowadays Steff was acting more like her best friend than her ex-husband’s new wife but, in a funny way, it was all right.

Even so, it was difficult to get Lisa out of her head, although being in the office helped. Sometimes she could hardly believe how much she loved her job. And now she had wheels, her prospects were even better.

The door opened and Susan sat up straight, ready to take a new client’s details. ‘Steff!’

‘I’m sorry.’ She flicked back her fringe. ‘I know I shouldn’t barge in when you’re working, and I nearly told you on the mobile, but I was passing and I wanted to talk face to face.’ She pulled up a chair, uninvited. ‘Listen, Josh doesn’t know I’m here but I wanted to have a girl-to-girl chat.’

Just as well no one else was in the office to hear. ‘Go on.’

‘I’ve found out more about that centre near us.’ Steff’s eyes shone. ‘They’re adding an extra building for teenagers – not just any age – with special needs. There’s computers and gym equipment and a coffee bar and loads of other stuff.’

Susan felt herself going cold. ‘So?’

‘It would be perfect for Tabs, don’t you see?’

‘If you think Tabitha’s going to come and live with you, I’ll fight you every inch of the way. Get out of here right now.’

‘Not
with
us, Sue.’ Steff grabbed her hands pleadingly. ‘Just
near
us. Both of you. Josh said you’d never consider it but it would be great. Tabs could see more of her dad and she’d get the stimulation she needs. You could have more time with your friend Joe, too. Please, Sue. Just say you’ll think about it.’

She couldn’t. Or could she? She still couldn’t sleep properly at night, scared stiff in case Simon returned. And Tabitha did need more than she was getting at the moment. She’d have to leave the centre when she was sixteen and then what? Susan had found out a bit more about this new place on the internet and it wasn’t just for teenagers: it was for young people too, in their twenties and thirties.

Funnily enough, the idea of being near Josh and Steff wasn’t unappealing. She felt nothing for her ex, but she had a grudging affection for Steff, who was like a puppy that wouldn’t take no for an answer. She would also be nearer her dad.

But what about work? She’d tried so hard – and done well too. It would be wrong to give it up. On the other hand, she might be able to get transferred. Steff had pointed out that Green & Co had a branch in their town. She’d looked it up. From the picture and staff description, it was about the same size and the manager was quite dishy. Not that she had time to think about
that
kind of thing.

‘Hiya,’ said Fiona. ‘Anyone been in?’

‘No one who seemed seriously interested in buying,’ said Susan, truthfully. ‘Actually, have you got a second? There’s something I want to run past you.’

‘Fire away.’

‘I wondered if I could have the sixteenth off next month. It’s a Tuesday.’

Fiona was slipping into her office shoes. ‘I’ll need to check the rota. Doing something special, are you?’

Susan coloured. ‘It’s a big lunch, actually, at some swanky hotel in London. I’ve been shortlisted for a magazine award – well, my friend Joy and I have – for trying to save the centre.’

‘Well done you! Course you can have the day off. What are you going to wear?’

‘I’m not sure. Actually, there was something else I wanted to ask you.’

The door opened and a woman came in, clutching some brochures. ‘Tell me later,’ hissed Fiona. ‘Can I help you, madam?’

65

ONLINE NEWS: BABY FOUND SAFE AND WELL IN COUNCIL HOUSE NEAR WELLINGTON. A MOTHER OF TWO IS STILL BEING QUESTIONED

‘Scary, isn’t it?’ said Daisy’s mum to Mrs Perkins. ‘You wouldn’t think they’d take a baby from a nursery, would you? What’s your security like, by the way?’

‘Very good,’ said Mrs Perkins, who’d already arranged to have the centre’s alarm updated. ‘But I was going to say to you the other day that, if I were you, I wouldn’t leave the pram outside when you come in to collect Daisy. You never know.’

‘So you see,’ said Mark slowly, at the end of what seemed like a very long confessional, ‘that’s why your gran and I told you she was in America. Mum didn’t want you knowing she was in prison. Now it’s got her depressed and made her act strangely. That’s why she cut herself.’

‘But she hasn’t killed anyone?’ demanded Freddy.

‘No, silly. Dad told you. She stole some money.’

‘Well, not exactly,’ began Mark. ‘She bought some shares she shouldn’t have.’

‘What are shares?’

‘A kind of money,’ said Florrie, impatiently. ‘But what will happen when she gets out? Will you two split up?’

She seemed so calm about it. He’d heard that kids were much better at dealing with this kind of thing than they used to be but Florrie’s matter-of-fact air was unnerving.

‘Possibly,’ he said slowly.

‘Who will we live with?’

‘Well, that depends on a lot of things. Like who you want to be with.’

‘You,’ they both chorused.

Mark breathed a sigh of relief. ‘Come here, both of you.’

He drew them on to his knees. ‘I know this is difficult, with Mum and me splitting up.’

‘Not really,’ interrupted Florrie. ‘We knew you two didn’t get on, didn’t we, Freddy?’

His son nodded.

‘It was worse not knowing what was happening,’ continued Florrie. ‘It’s horrible when you suspect people are keeping things from you. I knew something was wrong when I rang that bank in America and no one knew about her. Anyway, loads of my friends have divorced parents, and I’d rather you were both happy.’

He was so astounded, he could hardly find the words. ‘You’re amazing, you know that?’

Florrie gave him a big hug. ‘We get it from you, don’t we, Freddy?’ She dropped her voice. ‘I know we’ve been difficult but that’s because we missed Mum. But now she’s back, well, she’s different. And a bit scary. Suppose she cuts herself when we’re there – I wouldn’t know what to do.’

‘She wouldn’t,’ soothed Mark.

‘Yes, but suppose she did?’ interrupted Freddy. ‘She stole, didn’t she? It makes me feel I don’t know what she’s really like.’

Exactly how he felt, thought Mark. ‘Mum needs help,’ he said slowly, ‘and when she’s better, we’ll see how it goes. OK?’

Florrie buried her head on his shoulder and he could feel her weeping silently. He put his arms round her reassuringly. Damn Hilary. Damn her for everything.

Florrie raised her tear-stained face. Her eyes were so like his own mother’s, he’d always thought. Of
course
she was his. So why did he have that niggling uncertainty on top of everything else he had to cope with?

‘Mum won’t be coming back for a while, will she?’ Florrie said.

‘No,’ said Mark, firmly. ‘I don’t think she will.’

MESSAGE FROM FLORRIE

Hi, Kari, Just had a weird time with Mum. She wasn’t in New York at all. I’ll tell you more when I see you.

‘Janie, it’s me. Sorry it’s so late but I wanted to ring instead of emailing. Something’s happened . . .’

GREEN & CO: TRANSFER REQUEST

Applicant: Susan Thomas

Age: 34

Experience: four months at Hazlewood branch

Reference (from Fiona Sterling): I have no hesitation in recommending Susan Thomas for this position. She is reliable, trustworthy and conscientious.

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JOIN OUR ONLINE DISCUSSIONS ON:

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TIP FROM CELLULITE MUM OF LITTLEHAMPTON

Keep the kids quiet in the holidays by getting them to ice fairy cakes like mini Christmas cakes.

THOUGHT TO KEEP YOU SANE FROM LAWYER MUM

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CHUCKLE CORNER FROM SLEEPY MUM

Mother’s definition of ‘full name’: what you call your child when you’re mad at him.

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66

‘If you don’t leave him, Caro, you’ll always regret it.’ Her sister was saying all the things she felt inside. If only Janie wasn’t so far away. ‘And even if this Mark chap doesn’t work out, at least you’ve tried. Otherwise you’ll always wonder what would have happened.’

‘But what about the children?’

‘They’re more resilient than you think. Annabel had already said to me she thought something was wrong. Besides, what are you getting out of being with Roger? Does he make you laugh or giggle or feel as though you’re the only woman in the world for him?’

‘No.’

‘And how will you feel in ten years’ time if you’re still with him?’

‘I’ll wish I’d gone.’

‘There you are, then, Caro. You’ve got your answer.’

Telling him wasn’t so easy. In fact, it was horrible.

‘So you want us to break up.’ His voice was solid with coldness as though it was her fault.

She’d have preferred him to be angry. ‘Yes.’

‘Fine. We’ll sell the house and take half each.’

So matter-of-fact. So practical.

‘It’s not as simple as that, Roger.’

They were lying in bed, with the lights off. It was much easier to talk when she didn’t have to look at him.

He turned over, his back to her. ‘Seems simple enough to me. You say you’re not happy.’

‘No.’ She sat up in bed. ‘I’m not.’

He moved away from her. ‘I’ve tried my best and it isn’t working. All right, I did something wrong. But I’ve got the rest of my life to live.’

‘So have I.’

She wanted to tell him more, to explain that her marriage had died the minute she had found out about his affair but panic had made her pretend she could keep going.

‘I’ll move out. You stay here with the children for the time being.’

His words made it real. It was no longer some vague scenario in her head.

‘Where will you live?’

‘I’ll find a flat somewhere.’

‘With that woman?’

He sighed in the darkness. ‘I told you. I’m not seeing her any—’

‘Roger, I saw you both at the station. So did Ben. And he’s heard you on the phone.’

Part of her still wanted him to deny it but his silence spoke louder than any words could have done.

‘The man I’ve been seeing . . .’ she began, and felt his body stiffen. ‘Well, it’s over. Not that it makes a difference to us. But he made me feel cherished, made me realise I need to be loved. And I don’t think you really love me, do you, Roger?’

‘I used to.’

Used to? The pain of what she’d lost seared through her as she felt him get out of bed. ‘Where are you going?’ She was scared now, not sure that she wanted him to go.

‘To the spare room.’

‘Can’t we talk?’

‘There’s nothing else to say.’ He shut their bedroom door quietly behind him. He still hadn’t even asked Mark’s name or where he lived or if he was married or any of the other questions she had asked when she’d found out about Elaine.

‘Elaine.’ There. She had said it out loud. For years, she had been an unable to do so. But now it was an agonising relief.

Caroline felt hot tears trickle into the pillow. It was so very hard. But at the same time she felt something else, something that had eluded her for so long. The knowledge that finally, by breaking up with a man who had been so painfully unfaithful, she had been true to herself.

She leaned over to turn on the bedside light. Slowly, deliberately, she propped up the pillows behind her and spread out both hands in front of her. Her wedding ring gleamed dully as if it, too, felt the inevitable pull. She slid it off and examined it on the palm of her left hand, which now felt light without it. Something inside her made her spin it carelessly on to the bedside table; it twirled perilously close to the edge. Then, switching off the light, she turned over and fell asleep.

The next day Georgie cried when she told her after school. It was the hardest thing she’d ever had to do. It wasn’t fair. If only she hadn’t hung on after Roger’s affair, no one could have blamed her. ‘I’m sorry, darling, but you’ll still see Daddy.’

‘Not every day.’ She was sitting on the sofa, tears pouring down her cheeks.

Thank God for Annabel who had her arm round her little sister.

‘Mum and Dad haven’t been happy for ages, Georgie. It’ll be better this way.’

‘Not for me.’ Georgie leaped to her feet, dashed out of the room, slammed the door and ran upstairs.

‘Leave her.’ Annabel seemed so mature, as though she was the mother. ‘I’ll go up in a minute.’

‘Where’s Ben?’

‘Working. I’m not meant to tell you this yet but he’s rung Auntie Janie to ask if she can find him a job in Australia until he starts his course next year.’

Caroline blew her nose. ‘That’s not a bad idea.’

‘I think he needs the structure.’

‘So, you’ll both be away.’

‘You’ll be all right, won’t you?’

Caroline nodded. Annabel had coped with so much abroad – perhaps she didn’t need her mother as much as Caroline had assumed. And if she did, well, she’d still be there for her, Ben and Georgie. ‘Course I will, darling.’

The same cleaning urge that had hit her before when she was upset compelled her to scour the house now from top to bottom. To wash the corners of floors that hadn’t seen a mop for months – maybe Roger had been right about Mrs B. Clear out under beds. Empty bins.

She stopped. A tube ticket was stuck to the bottom of the bathroom bin in a splodge of toothpaste that had leaked out of a discarded pump. An ordinary tube ticket; the kind they all used every day.

Caroline prised it out, heart pounding, as she read it. It was a train ticket from Wembley. Dated yesterday.

Somehow, she got herself into the office the next day. She felt drained from having cried so much and her bare left hand seemed like someone else’s. But otherwise life seemed impossibly normal.  The office was busy and her inbox was teeming. For once, however, she was grateful for the distraction.

CHECK OUT THIS WEBSITE FOR THE NEWLY SINGLE.

How apt! The website was for newly separated men and women. It wasn’t, it assured her earnestly, a dating agency but a group that gave support. And it was hoping she would be interested enough to add it to the Family page which the editor had asked her to take on. She put it among the possibles.

The phone. Roger? Part of her wanted it to be and yet . . .

‘Hi. It’s Jeff.’

‘Hello.’

He was distant. Almost suspicious-sounding. ‘Roger’s just rung me. He’s told me everything.’

‘Was he all right?’

‘Not great. Caro, why didn’t you tell me?’

‘It all happened so suddenly.’

‘He says you have someone else.’

‘Yes. No. There was someone but that’s not why.’

‘Was he the man I met at the ball?’

‘Jeff, please. I’m at work.’

‘Well, when can we meet?’

‘I don’t know. There’s so much going on. Maybe in a couple of weeks.’

‘That’s when I’m seeing you at your magazine’s awards ceremony. Remember?’

She’d forgotten she’d asked him, ages ago, when Roger had said he couldn’t make it.

‘Of course. See you, then.’