Love Is Louder (5 page)

I’m unable to sleep well and wake up to the reddish glow of the clock and a faint breeze caressing my skin from the open window. It’s three o’clock in the morning, and James’ side of the bed hasn’t been touched for the third time this week. I roll over and stare at the ceiling. Even though we have not done anything in the last few days, having him lying next to me gives me security. He’s the balm to my damaged fragile heart.

My vision blurs, and my old emotions swamp me. Fear, sadness, and loneliness. All the emotions I felt before I met James, when I was rebuilding myself brick by brick. I don’t know if I have the ability to battle them all at once, again. Pushing aside the silk sheets, I head downstairs to the kitchen for a glass of water.

The living room curtains are partly open, and the window allows for a sliver of moonlight to illuminate James stretched out on the cream sofa. Clutching the glass, I tiptoe closer, watching the slow rise and fall of his chest.

He looks younger in his sleep, the lines of his face ease. I can almost see him, as he might have been as an energetic little boy. My eyes move down his hands that I’ve missed holding me and teasing my skin. His T-shirt has ridden up to expose the taut ridges of his abs and the beginning of his V.

A jolt of desire ignites for him, consuming my body. I want to press my face against his neck. I want to feel the length of his strong body pressed against my back and his breath steady with mine.

I can’t help hoping that James will wake up and come back to bed with me. I want his mouth on mine, and I want to run my hands through his hair while he fills me. Pressure squeezes around my heart thinking of the distance that has been growing between us. We’ve always been able to talk through stuff. We’ve gotten through things together, but now there is uncertainty brought on by my husband’s remoteness.

I reach out and gently stroke my fingertip over his jaw and across his lips. I want a kiss. A simple kiss.

I slowly inch closer and press my lips against his.

Sweet. Soft. I sink into it, his lips cool against mine. Hunger rolls through me as I slowly pull away once he starts to stir. I leave the room before he wakes and return to my empty bed.

This won’t last forever.

A whisper in my mind, faint like a fading echo.

He never comes to bed, and I never open my mouth to tell him how I feel, because some small part of me believes he doesn’t care, or perhaps it’s just my fears that I’m not enough anymore.

I usually don’t wish anyone ill, but thank God Micah woke feeling under the weather. I should reconsider making service calls and do them more often. I need to market the company a bit more, and having the man behind the business in the field can only increase business. I need to be more hands-on.

Hands-on that woman.

God knows I was fighting the urge to do just that in there. Brie? I like that name. French, maybe? She’s beautiful beyond belief. I noticed every detail about her. Long brown hair, beautiful body, nice rack, mole on her left shoulder, mesmerizing brown eyes, perfect lips, but it was her ass and the fact she does yoga that did me in. I noticed the yoga mat sitting on the counter.

Yeah, she caught me ogling her ass. I bet she is very flexible and can twist like a pretzel. Shit, I’m getting hard just thinking about her doing something like that. I’m not up on the yoga lingo, but damn, I would be her student.

The kicker in all of this? She’s married. I noticed the enormous rock on her finger and the fancy wedding picture of her with James Effin Fleming. Of all the assholes to end up married, it’s him. I haven’t seen him since we graduated from high school, but then again, I haven’t been looking for him, so I didn’t realize it was his residence. I wonder how long he’s been back in town. His wife can’t be from around here. I would have noticed her a while ago. She’s the type that turns heads on the street. James probably met her in college, charmed her, and then married her.

I could tell I was making her nervous, and it was fun to watch. I couldn’t help myself. It was all innocent, though. That’s all it can be with her. I’ve never been one to get involved with a married woman when there are plenty of eager women out there.

I glance over my shoulder at the mansion I just left. I bet that place is about ten thousand square feet. Damn James Fleming, District Attorney. I’m not jealous of him. Not one bit. He’s been a privileged egotistical bastard since high school, but we’re adults now, and when I see him around town, I guess I have to polite. I hope for his wife’s sake he’s changed and is faithful to her and not the player he was back in high school.

I remember the hype around him when he got accepted into Harvard Law. We all have our strengths. Mine is using my hands, and I’ve done well for myself. I’m an entrepreneur with three thriving businesses. Other than the service business, I own the bar, Bull and Bear, and the florist shop, which was my gift to Meadow so she could pursue her passion for flowers. She loved flowers since she was a little girl. After she died, I handed it over to my mom and my cousin Cindy to run and manage. The business is flourishing just like Meadow envisioned it. She had a talent for business. I wish she could see what Cindy and Mom have done with the place. She would be so proud.

We changed the name of the place when she died from Lily of the Valley to Lily of the Meadow in order to keep her memory alive. Lilies were her favorite flowers. Even though she never got to be a mom, she would have been a wonderful one. I know it with every cell in my body. Just in the way she played with the kids that came into the florist shop and how she was so compassionate with people.

I hop into the truck, throw my tool belt onto the passenger seat, grab my iPad, and check off that this service call has been completed. Looks like I won’t be coming back here as I peer back up at the house at the end of the winding driveway. Nothing was needed. There was just something stuck in the drain. Something James could have fixed if he took his head out of his ass. He’s always been the kind of guy that didn’t have to get his hands dirty and had someone else do the dirty work for him.

When I told Brie the washer was all set, I swear I saw disappointment in her eyes. I hope James is making her happy, because we all deserve a relationship where both people are committed to each other, willing to take a bullet for them and make the ultimate sacrifice. I haven’t found it, but I haven’t been looking either. My businesses keep me busy, but I would not change my life for anything. I love where I am right now, but I do have my moments where I wish I had someone special in my life to share it with.

My cell rings, breaking my thoughts as I glance at the dash to check the time. It’s a little past two.

I answer the call and throw my head back onto the seat, relaxing for a minute to catch my bearings. Brie really threw me for a minute. I have to complete the rest of my service calls, but this call right here takes precedence over all things right now.

“Hi, honey.”

“Hi, Mom. How are things?”

“Oh, Mason, I’m running a little late at the florist shop. We’ve been really busy with all these weddings and graduations. Do you mind picking up Lily today?”

“You know my answer to that. I’ll be there.”

“It’ll be such a surprise. She’s going to be so happy to see you.”

“Not as happy as me. I’ll bring her over right after. I have to make service calls today. Micah is laid up in bed suffering from exhaustion.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? I need to take him some chicken soup.”

“Mom, he’s twenty-eight, a grown man. He needs to cut back on the late nights.” I chuckle.

“It doesn’t matter. You’ll always be my babies. I’d do the same for you.”

“I know that, Mom.”

“Okay. Well, I don’t want you to be late. You know how she gets. She’s too smart for her age,” she says with adoration. “Just like her mom.”

We say our goodbyes, and I hang up, tossing my phone onto the seat. My heart warms, thinking about my next engagement. I can’t wait to see her. She’s the one person in this world that makes me smile no matter what. Seeing her is like a pure adrenaline rush. She’s everything innocent and good in the world—a ray of sunshine, a big bowl of M&M’s, so sweet and colorful. I could go on and on about how she makes me feel. She is the reason why I have a smile on my face every morning.

I pull up in front of the preschool, park, and watch as parents pick up their children. I smile thinking about Meadow and what could have been as I take large enthusiastic strides up the walkway, anxious to hear her voice and hold her in my arms. As I come upon the classroom door, I immediately see her clutching her pink backpack. Her brown curls bounce as she skips toward me, and her headband decorated with a huge red vibrant rose falls over her eyes as she leaps into my arms.

“Uncle Mason!”

“You miss me, Lily?” I laugh, nuzzling my nose in her hair, breathing her in. She squeezes her little arms around my neck, pulls back, and kisses me on the cheek.

“Yes, and you need to shave.” She giggles as she pats my cheek with her tiny hands.

“Will do, princess.” Smiling, she slides down and takes my hand as we walk to the truck.

“Evan was being nice today.”

I quirk a brow and say, “Oh, yeah? How so?”

“I fell down, and he came over to see if I was okay. Isn’t that nice?” she says with a distinct sense of awe, her eyes twinkling like diamonds.

“Yes, it really is, sweetheart.”

Evan is a classmate of Lily’s whom I believe has a crush on her. Who can blame him? I chuckle to myself. It’s already starting at four years old. Did I have my first crush at four? Knowing myself…probably.

“That’s great.” I look down at her and see my sister. Her soft brown hair and her pale blue eyes are so beautiful.

It will be four years in two weeks since Meadow died and brought this little girl into my life. She’s a fighter. She survived, and we took her home after she spent two months in the NICU and went to court to gain custody of her since her father wanted nothing to do with her. He’s a piece of fucking work for abandoning my sister after he found out she was pregnant. He lives in Florida with his fiancée, and she’s expecting twins. I hope he likes them apples. Fate always has a way of fucking with you in the worst way.

The late June sun is brutal as we walk to my black Ford F150, and I buckle Lily in and turn on the air conditioner before putting my truck into drive. We maneuver through town quietly as the Civil Wars “Dust to Dust” plays softly in the background. Lily loves to listen to country music. It probably has to do with the fact that Mom always had the radio playing in the nursery. Now, we try to incorporate Meadow’s love of music in all parts of Lily’s life.

“Uncle Mason?”

“Yes, Lily?”

“Aren’t you supposed to be working?”

Tapping lightly on the steering wheel, I peek back at her through the rearview mirror. Her delicate features are fixed in confusion. “Yes,” I say as we sit at a red light.

“Oh.” She pouts, dropping her chin to her chest.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

“Can I come work with you?”

“You’re too pretty to work.” I smile and chuckle. “I’ve got a better idea. How about I take you out for some ice cream?”

“With rainbow sprinkles and gummy bears?”

“You can have anything you want, and then I’ll take you to see Nana at the flower shop, so you can help her,” I say, glancing over my shoulder. “How does that sound?”

“You’re the best.” She smiles. “Uncle Mason, is this what daddies do with their daughters?”

I swallow hard and return my eyes to the road when the light turns green. “Yes,” I murmur. It’s effortless and amazing how this little girl can strip me down and bring every emotion I feel crumbling to my feet.

“Do you think I can call you and Micah Daddy?”

I hesitate, unsure of how to respond. “I can never be your daddy, but I can come close.”

“Why? You do everything all the other daddies do at school with their kids.”

“I’m your uncle. It’ s a little different…I’m your mommy’s big brother.”

“But you love me just as much, right?” Her eyes meet mine when I look back.

“Yes, I do...bu—”