Love Lasts Forever (27 page)

When I first held the diary, I thought it belonged to Captain. But instead his wife wrote it.

             
Why has he been in possession of her diary for so long?
I jerk off the thought and scan through it. The first entry was made on the tenth of July, 1974. A flowery writing in blue ink greets my eyes.

10
th
July, 1974

Wow! That’s exactly what I feel at the moment. Finally, finally he said those three golden words to me. I had been waiting and waiting, and today when he
finally said ‘I love you’ I’ve realized there’s absolutely nothing else in this world I could ask for.

Saying it with a rose was even better. I
completely loved the gesture. Although I must add when he moved closer to me, I did feel nervous, but when his soft lips touched my forehead, I realized what a sinking heart feeling feels like. I huddled my body in his, feeling his breath, and then, damn, came the rain.

Today has to be one of the best days of my life. Hope to see many
, many more days like these. 

Love you so much Shekhar!

Okay, so the bitch did love him after a
ll. Good to know that. I quickly flick through the pages to find something interesting and more importantly that answers my questions. As of now there isn’t anything noteworthy in them, just some random notes about their dates around the city of Nagpur, how much he loved her, about their orphanage, none of which is new to me. Captain had already told me the most of it. Still, I can’t stop myself from reading each and every word of it.

12
th
October, 1980

Absolutely nothing could have gone even a shade better today. I got married, on my birthday.
When the magistrate called out ‘Congrats you are married’, I knew it then that my life has changed forever. Oh God, I have always wanted to be Shekhar’s wife, even that day, few years back, when our teacher had asked me. I still remember saying Shekhar bhaiya’s wife and everyone had burst out laughing. I would always remember that day and then, of course, today.

But w
ho says dreams don’t come true, of course they do, if they are pure and straight from the heart. I can never thank the Almighty enough.

Love you so much Shekhar!

‘
Hey Ronit,’ Captain tousles my hair. ‘So where have you reached so far?’

             
‘Oh!’ I look up. ‘You have been in there a long time.’ I nod in the direction of the washroom. ‘I’ve just reached your marriage part.’

             
‘Good.’ He plunks down beside me.

             
I run my eyes quickly through the words. I must admit I am growing damn impatient. Everywhere I can see her thanking him for flowers, for being so loving and supportive, and for understanding her. At one place she even said he
has
to be the best husband in the world.
So then why the divorce…?

I continue
reading.

12
th
January, 1981

Another of my
most special days today - our first quarterly anniversary! And I can’t believe Shekhar took it so seriously. From where does he get these beautiful ideas? The roses in shape of hearts, those wonderful gifts, and, Oh my God, what a beautiful letter that was! How could I ever be so blessed? Perhaps whatever God took from me when I was a child, he’s returning a thousand times over.

I loved the way his eyes lit up when I told him I am pregnant. I’m sure he’s as thrilled as I am. Hopefully I ca
n give him at least five babies as we planned earlier and live through our dream of a big family.

Love you so much Shekhar!

I flick
the pages further. In the following notes she’d written how psyched up both of them were for the pregnancy. She’d written some tentative names of boys and girls, and then if twins, if triplets and so on…I turn the pages quickly. Still nothing. Nothing that would educe a sigh, pop my eyes out, make my hairs stand, or anything of the ilk. Just the general happy go lucky stories, I found rushing my eyes through.

And just
then something caught my eyes.

4
3. Shikha’s diary, continued

August 2011
, Somewhere in Somalia

5
th
February, 1981

For the past few weeks
I was having a headache. I checked up my temperature regularly, but surprisingly I wasn’t down with fever. It somehow increased in the mornings as I woke up and subsided as the day progressed. Thinking of it as a side effect of pregnancy, I let it go. But then for the last few days the pain had increased substantially, so today, I thought of visiting a doctor and getting a checkup done. At first I thought I should wait for Shekhar till the weekend, but then decided against it.

After hearing my symptoms,
the doctor did a few tests, and then eyed me gloomily. I asked him if everything is alright, but his expression offered otherwise.

As I write this, I
shudder to even think why all this happened.

I have a tumor in my brain.
The doctor told me it’s incurable and no treatment can save me. I have one-two months left.

Maximum three
.

10
th
February, 1981

Today is the worst day of my life. After my first visit
few days back, I visited another doctor, and then another. But my worst fear was confirmed when the results were same. Instead they told me another thing – I should get an abortion done. Being just two months pregnant now, there is no way I could be living for that long – six, seven more months - they said. So after contemplating it for the past two days, I got it done.

My heart is heavy
and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to stop my tears. I can’t breathe, I can’t move. I don’t know what should I do? I don’t even want to tell anything to Shekhar about this. I don’t know what he’ll do to himself. But then I have to tell him someday...

I love you
so much Shekhar, please, please help me.

1
3
th
February, 1981

Shekhar should never find out what happened to me. If he does, what will he d
o without me few months from now? I’m sure he’ll never move on and spend the rest of his life alone. He’ll be shattered and devastated and I can’t let that happen to him.

So I have decided something.
I will not tell about my disease to anyone. No one! Not even Swati. But that’s not the hard part. I have decided something else as well.

I have to make him fall out of love with me.

15
th
February, 1981

Today we had our first fight.
I had placed my abortion papers with some of his papers in the bed-side drawer. I had hoped he’ll definitely notice them. And thankfully he did. I’d also thought about the reason I’d give him when asked for it. He should hate me for it.

Although I should feel miserable about it, but instead, I’m happy, happy for Shekhar. This is the first of my many steps. I have still a long way to go. By the time I’m taking my last breath, he should hate me completely so he never thinks about me for the rest of his life.

Sorry Shekhar, I love you so much but I have to do this.

09
th
March, 1981

Oh God, I hate myself for calling his Baba and him a loser. I’m so, so sorry Shekhar. I d
idn’t mean a word. I hope I could tell you this but unfortunately I can’t. Please forgive me. You are my hero, the best person I’ve ever known, and I have such deep respect for your Baba. I don’t need money Shekhar; I don’t even care about it. I just want to live with you. But as simple as that sounds, it’s not possible.

I wish I could stop f
ighting with you and hug you and cry with you that our relationship wouldn’t last longer. But I can’t get selfish. I have to make you hate me. I have to live the last phase of my life alone, so that you can live peacefully after me.

Once again, I’m sorry Shekhar, I’m very sorry. I love you so much, please forgive me.

26
th
March, 1981

Oh
Shekhar, really sorry for not being a good wife, for not fulfilling my duty. I do realize I don’t cook for you and I’m not carrying out any household chores. I’m really sick, my head is throbbing with pain, and I feel so dizzy. I know you think that I’m faking this, but trust me my love, I’m not. I love you so much and would love to take care of you. I’m missing our meals together, in the same plate, you feeding me, I feeding you, talking and laughing for hours.

I don’t mean a word of what I said today.
I know you didn’t marry me to have your food cooked and have someone to look after your house. I purposely said those words to instigate you. I’m so sorry Shekhar, so, so, sorry.

Love you
so much Shekhar.

09
th
April, 1981

How could I forget
Rajiv and Swati’s wedding? Oh God, I’m such a fool. She did come a few days before and handed me the card. I remember now, she was so excited.

Probably the memory loss associated with my disease is finally coming to play. My doctor had told me about it, but I never agreed. How could I be forgetting things? Perhaps I am now.

I wish I could have gone to her wedding with Shekhar. Swati would have made such a beautiful bride. Sorry Shekhar, you missed your best friend’s wedding because of me. And please Shekhar, please do not say I’m embarrassed in your company. I’m so proud of you and our relationship.

Love you Shekhar, love you so much.

10
th
April, 1981

Oh God, where have I kept the
money? Of course I remember spending some of it on my medicines and in the clinic, but what about the rest. What is happening to me? Why am I forgetting so much?

And I hate it when you yell at me Shekhar. I wish I could tell you that, but I can’t. I’m sorry Shekhar for everything. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I’m so, so sorry.
Please forgive me.

17
th
April, 1981

I have to get separated from him before he finds out about my disease.
Otherwise my plan will fail.
So while I still appear normal, I’ll have to divorce him. It’ll bring enormous amount of pain to both of us, but, in the end I know it’ll be the best decision. At least for Shekhar.

I can
’t get selfish here and I’ll rather choose dying alone in pain on my bed over a bereaved Shekhar for decades to come. I’m just left with a few weeks anyway whereas Shekhar has his whole life in front of him.

So, right here, on my bed, amidst tears in my eyes, I’ve decided I’ll end this.

I’ll divorce him. Tomorrow.

18
th
April, 1981

I have succeeded in what I wanted
to achieve, buy yet, I have failed. I have lost the most important person of my life and I’m all alone here in this house. There is no one to wipe my tears and there is no one to tell me that what I did was right. But I had to do this, I had to divorce him. Although I’m just left with a few weeks, every day without him will be a lifetime.

But at least now I can die peacefully, safe in my mind that Shekhar hates me and has left me. I hope he finds someone else as wonderful as him.

I don’t know what made him think I was having an extra-marital affair. But in a way it was good. He’ll hate me all the more and erasing my memories from his heart would be even easier.

Goodbye Shekh
ar, I would miss you a lot in these last days of mine. Hope you get success and happiness wherever you go. And may you fulfill your Baba’s dream.

Love you forever.

4
4. The advice

August 2011
, Somewhere in Somalia

I keep the diary aside as I can’t read any further. My throat has become as tight as metal, and in a matter of seconds, tears have filled my eyes. Suddenly everything is crystal clear.