Love & Loss (2 page)

It was Wednesday, three days since that horrible moment in the car park. The worst three days of my life without my Gabe. I’d cried until I was so dehydrated that Lexi joked that I’d look like one of those dried up Egyptian mummies in the Cairo Museum if I shed any more tears. She’d also told me that my puffy eyes had me looking scarier than Voldemort out of the Harry Potter movies. I’d got her back by cracking a tea towel against her backside making her scream, she’d never worked out how to do it back to me, which always made me giggle. Lexi, ever the perfect best friend, had done her best to give me some lighter moments in the black pit of despair I felt I was trapped in.

I’d had a visit from Doug on the Monday night after all the drama. He and Lexi swapped places, Doug visiting me, while Lexi went to see Gabe, who was being “baby sat” by his Dad. Robert had flown back from New York as soon as Doug had told him what had happened. Doug had made me feel worse by letting slip that Gabe had seen Dr Jarvis on Monday and had been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, only a mild case, but PTSD none the less. At least it explained his unusually heightened stress and jealousy responses and the completely over the top paranoia over my friendship with Milo.

Both Doug and Lexi had told me how awful Gabe was feeling about how he’d treated me, that he was so ashamed he didn’t dare contact me, thinking he might push me away if he tried to reconnect too soon. I couldn’t contact him either. I felt like I was the catalyst for all his outbursts and stress. Doug had said he’d never acted crazily over a girl before me. What if I was to blame? What if me being with him was making him worse? I loved him so much that if being with him was hurting him, I was prepared to let him go, even it meant prolonging this agony. I made sure that no one saw the angry purple bruises that circled my biceps. I didn’t want anyone picturing those when they looked at Gabe, I didn’t want him judged based on one loss of concentration in the heat of a moment.

Robert had been to visit me too, full of concern that Gabe’s aggression wasn’t an isolated incident. He’d been so relieved when I’d reassured him that it was and that Gabe wasn’t abusive by nature. I’d told him some of the lovely romantic things that Gabe had done for me, so that he’d have pleasant images of his son in his head. He’d made me cry telling me how depressed Gabe was without me, I felt the same, but Robert also told me he’d understand if I couldn’t forgive Gabe and take him back, as he knew that his son had crossed an unacceptable line. Robert was so sweet with me, just like Gerry would have been, and he’d treated me so much kinder than even my own father would have done.

I looked up at the white three storey town house where Dr Jarvis was based and wondered if this was really going to be any better than the counselling I’d done for seven weeks. I was surprised to find that he was much older than I’d imagined him to be, he had green eyes with brown flecks, vari-focal glasses and grey receding hair, and a kind face. He shook my hand and ushered me into his room, which had dark wood panelling around the bottom half of the walls and was painted white above, with a whole wall of bookcases, completely filled. I took a seat in a comfortable worn armchair and bit my lip as I watched him take a seat opposite me with his pad and pen.

‘There’s no need to look so nervous Mia, I don’t bite,’ he smiled.

‘Sorry it’s just I’m a bit on edge and tired today.’

‘Why’s that?’

‘Gabe’s probably already told you that we had a big fight on Sunday.’

‘Mia, whilst I’m aware that you have both disclosed to each other that you are seeing me, my sessions with
you
are about you,
not him
. Even if he were to relate any incident that happened with you, your perception of it and reaction to it will be totally different to his. We’re here to discuss
your
worries and fears not his. Anything discussed in his session will not impact on yours, nor vice versa, and no confidences will broken. So we can start where ever you would like to, if you’re distressed over a fight the two of you had tell me about it.’

‘Ok,’ I nodded and took a deep breath.

An hour later I wrapped my cardigan tightly around me as I stood outside waiting for the taxi to pick me up again. I wasn’t sure we’d achieved much in the hour, with me blubbing again, but he’d warned it could be a long slow process and to give it time.

I tried my best to focus on Mr. Jenkins English lecture, and not Gabe’s empty chair, and was surprised that it went so quickly.

‘So what’s the plan tonight?’ Lexi asked.

‘I’m going to go to Pilates now I have a Wednesday night free, come with me.’

‘How many times Mia, keep fit’s not my thing.’

‘You seeing Doug?’

‘Yeah later, he has swimming practice as he missed Monday’s, then he’s coming over.’ I’d forgotten Gabe’s old swimming routines, it had been so long. ‘What time will you be home?’ she asked.

‘I’m going to hit the gym after so I’ll probably see you about eight thirty.’

‘Don’t be standing around bus stations on your own, make sure you get the taxi to pick you up right outside the sports building ok?’

‘Yes Lex.’

‘You have your fried rice, chow mein and seaweed left over as you didn’t eat it last night. I’ll sit on you and force feed you if I have to,’ she scowled.

‘When did we change places and you became the adult of the relationship?’ I asked.

‘Well someone has to with you moping around all bloody day.’

‘Christ, next you’ll be telling me that you’re enjoying doing the housework next.’

‘Hey don’t push your luck. See you later, be careful,’ she warned. I sighed and shook my head and she headed off as I packed up and Milo came over to join me.

‘Hey Mia, how you doing today? You look really exhausted.’

‘I am, but I think I need to do some exercise to invigorate me.’

‘I was heading over to Pilates if you want to join me?’

‘That’s where I was going.’

‘Great we can have an overdue catch up.’

I relaxed a bit in Milo’s company, though looked at him now and again as we went through our session, trying to see any indication that he was into me the way Gabe, Doug and Lexi seemed to think he was, but I just didn’t see it. He never ogled me or made me feel at all uncomfortable in any way, if anything I felt more at ease with him, because I couldn’t feel any vibe coming from him at all.

‘Mia … Mia … you ok?’ He startled me out of my daydream and as I stood up and looked at him I had to force myself to focus my eyes, I felt incredibly dizzy and light headed. I suddenly wobbled and felt him grab me. ‘Shit Mia, sit down and put your head between your knees, you’ve gone really pale.’

I nodded and let him help me to the floor and was vaguely aware that the class had stopped and everyone was looking at me. I buried my face in my knees and took some deep breaths as Milo rubbed my back before I sipped on some water that the instructor handed to me.

‘God I’m so sorry, I don’t know what happened, I went all dizzy and spaced out.’

‘I think I need to get you home Mia, you look awful.’

‘Thanks Milo, some best friend you are,’ I teased.

‘You know what I mean, you still look great even when you like death warmed up. Sit here and drink and I’ll book us a taxi, what’s you address again?’

I insisted on paying for the taxi and went all wobbly again as I got. Milo grabbed me, opened the bottom door and held my arm as we headed up the stairs and into the apartment.

‘Where’s your room? I think you need to lie down,’ he asked with a look of concern.

‘On the right.’

‘Mia is that you?’ called Lexi.

‘Yes and Milo’s with me.’ I swayed on my feet again, and before I knew it Milo lifted me up and carried me into my bedroom, just like Gabe did, with Lexi in hot pursuit.

‘What’s going on?’ she asked, frowning as he settled me on the bed and I closed my eyes to stop the room spinning.

‘She nearly passed out in Pilates Lex, should we call a doctor?’

‘No, she just has low blood pressure, low blood sugar and shouldn’t be overdoing it on an empty stomach. I warned you Mia, I’m going to heat up your Chinese and you’re going to eat it or it won’t be pretty,’ she scolded.

‘Lex I’m not hungry, please don’t fuss.’

‘Don’t bloody fuss? You’ve had a piece of toast in three bloody days Mia and have been living off sugared coffees. You either eat or I’m ringing Gabe and getting him over here and he can bloody make you.’

‘You wouldn’t dare,’ I hissed as I opened my eyes and fixed her with a glare.

‘Try me,’ she hissed back and marched out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

‘Ok what’s going on here? Why aren’t you eating Mia?’

‘I’ve just not been hungry Milo, it’s nothing. Why don’t you go and see Lexi in the kitchen and get a beer or something to drink. It’s straight opposite.’

‘Sure, what are you drinking? Sugary coffee?’

‘Just water would be great thanks. I’m so sorry to ruin your night.’

‘Hey I had no plans, I was worried about you so I feel better knowing you’re home.’

I closed my eyes as he headed out and sighed. I missed Gabe, even though he was the one that had made me feel so wretched and hurt, I just wanted him. I wanted his strong arms around me and to forget all about the last few days. I picked up my phone and my finger hovered over his number, but I couldn’t do it. I was so scared of making things harder for him that I convinced myself that it wasn’t going to help him to see or hear from me. I really was starting to wonder if Gabe would be better off without me in his life altogether. I gently sat up and pulled off my trainers as Milo came back in with my water and sat on the end of the bed. Lexi arrive with a tray and hopped up beside me.

‘Ok, this is a friend intervention. I was serious before, eat or I ring him,’ she ordered as she put the tray on my lap and gave me a
don’t fuck with me
look.

‘What about Milo, have you eaten?’

‘Lexi’s just ordered us pizza, don’t worry about us, she’s right you really need to eat Mia. She’s ordered your favourite pizza so if you don’t fancy the Chinese, I’ll eat it and you can eat the pizza instead.’

I sighed, two against one and the threat of Gabe coming over, it wasn’t like I had much of a choice. I looked down at the steaming food, one of my favourite meals, but it just didn’t hold any appeal to me at all.

‘
Mia,’
warned Lexi.

‘Fine, I’ll try some but I can’t eat all of this Lex.’

‘Eat what you can.’

‘Can you give me some privacy? It’s a bit weird sitting here with both of you staring at me.’

‘Try chucking it down the loo or in the bin and I’ll know ok?’

‘Yes Lex,’ I rolled my eyes and saw Milo give me a smile as they headed out. I forced myself to eat about a third of it, but it tasted like cardboard. I’d never have believed I’d go off my food, over a bloody guy. I shoved the plate to the side of the bed and curled up with big boy and closed my eyes.

I woke up to hear the intercom buzz and Milo stuck his head around the door.

‘Can I come in?’

‘Sure, sorry I fell asleep.’

‘You haven’t eaten much Mia.’

‘It’s all I could manage.’

‘I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a rough time with Gabe, is there anything I can do?’

‘Honestly I’ll be fine Milo,’ I smiled, silently cursing Lexi for discussing my personal business. ‘Give me a minute, I’ll go get changed so I can come and sit in the lounge with you.’

I hopped out of bed and grabbed my pyjama bottoms and a jumper and shut myself in the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror, I was going to need to get some foundation or fake tan, I’d never looked so pale and my eyes were sunken and my cheeks looked hollow. How could I have gone from being so happy last Wednesday, with Gabe giving me a romantic massage and us heading away for a fantastic few days together in Scotland, to being so miserable this week? I splashed my face with cold water and pinched my cheeks to put some colour in them and headed back in the bedroom to find Milo waiting, still sitting on my bed. He stood up and came and gave me a welcome hug and kissed my forehead.

‘Come on, I’m starving even if you aren’t.’

I tucked my legs up on the recliner while they ate their pizzas, with Lexi tutting when I refused to have a slice.

‘Are we still going out tomorrow?’ I asked. I’d suggested that we go out after the gym and get hammered. It was just what I needed to take my mind off all this emotional stuff.

‘You’re still up for it?’ asked Milo, looking surprised.

‘Yes, why wouldn’t I be? I need some fun,
desperately
. Even I’m starting to hate crying no fun Mia. Why don’t we just skip Pilates and the gym and go straight out after English? I reckon we could play some pool with some cheap beers. I need a laugh.’

‘Fine by me, you in Lex?’

‘For sure, I’m always in when there’s cheap beers.’

‘How do you afford to go out Milo?’ I asked. ‘Do you have a job up here?’

‘Not yet, but I’m going to try and get a bar job. My parents are reasonably well off, they have a vet’s practice so they’re paying my tuition and gave me some towards spending this term, but I can’t rely on them forever can I? How about you two?’