Love Starved (19 page)

“It was hard the first few times,” Aiden admitted. “I expected too much, and then I was paralyzed when the reality was nothing like what I imagined. But I’ve long learned not to have any expectations and just do my job. Sometimes it’s a challenge, but sometimes I’m pleasantly surprised, like I was with you.” He smiled at Micah. “It’s okay, really.”

“And tonight?”

“Tonight is a regular. It’ll be fine. Are we still on for biking tomorrow?” Aiden asked, and Micah knew that the topic was closed.

“When did you first realize
you were bi?”

They were sitting at a coffee house one cloudy, cool evening when Micah asked the question he’d been curious about for some time now. Aiden smiled.

“It was in high school, in my junior year. I had a girlfriend—”

“Natalie?”

“Natalie. We’d been together a year and a half. And then a new boy transferred to our school. His name was Sean, and I suddenly crushed on him, hard. I’d been having sex for a few months, so I knew what my reactions meant. I was really attracted to him.”

Micah sat straighter, intrigued. “What did you do?”

Aiden laughed. “What any bookworm would do. I read about it. I thought it through this way and that, experimented with fantasizing about boys and girls, and came to an informed conclusion that I was bisexual.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“Didn’t it, I don’t know, shake you?”

Aiden shrugged and broke off a piece of brownie. “No. Why would it? Some people are gay, some are bi—I knew that from books since I was a kid. I saw it as a simple fact I discovered about myself.” He paused for a moment. “Of course, not everyone was so cool about it. My parents were pretty shocked. But my two best friends took it great.”

“What about Sean? And Natalie?”

“Sean never knew. I never even talked to him, and besides, he was completely straight. And Natalie… well, she did get awfully busy right about the time I told her. She broke up with me a month later.” Aiden smiled sadly.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I wasn’t, not really—I mean, it stung, but how could I stay with a person who couldn’t accept such a simple thing about me? That taught me that even the smartest, kindest people can be hidden homophobes sometimes.”

Micah nodded. He knew that, too. “Did your parents accept it eventually?”

Aiden smirked, his cheek stuffed with brownie. “They still think it’s just a phase.”

They found the
Before I
die
wall on Stevens Avenue by accident, though Micah remembered reading about it, a few years ago when it was first created. It was simply a section of a gray building wall between two murals, covered with blackboard paint, with large white letters stenciled on top spelling
BEFORE I DIE…
. Underneath, dozens of lines in four neat columns waited to be filled, all starting with the same words:
Before I die I want to.

Most of the spaces were filled with words written in the colorful chalks that sat in a little box screwed onto the wall—words of hopes, dreams, goals—words in different handwritings and different colors, each line a glimpse into someone’s life. The street was empty, and they stood for a while, reading through the entries. Finally, Micah picked up a piece of blue chalk and found an empty line at the very bottom of the wall. He had to crouch.

Before I die I want to… REALLY LIVE
, he wrote, surprising himself. He didn’t usually take part in public activities like this, preferring to stay in the shadows, observing other people, never bold enough to step closer. Aiden smiled at him.

“How about you?” Micah asked, passing the piece of chalk to him. Aiden took it reluctantly and thought for a moment before approaching the wall and writing in small cursive letters above someone else’s words:
Before I die I want to… matter.

He stood a moment with his back to Micah before he put the chalk away and turned, motioning for them to continue their walk. Micah had an unbearable urge to reach out and take his hand.

“You do matter, you know,” he said as they walked away into the fall twilight.

Aiden just smiled sadly at him.

It suited both of them
really well, it seemed, the place where they were now. They were happy with what they had, with the friendship they were building. It was hard for Micah sometimes, because of the attraction he still felt toward Aiden, but he could live with that. They had it all balanced.

Or so Micah thought, until one Saturday in the middle of October.

They went hiking, trying to make good use of the last sunny days before it got really cold. It was a wonderful day, a rare free Saturday for Aiden, full of nature and laughter, so when they came back late that afternoon, they decided it was too early to end it. Micah made a quick pasta and then, full and pleasantly tired, they settled in the living room. They were watching some post-apocalyptic movie—or at least trying to watch, for Micah’s mind wasn’t on it in the slightest. After the day in the sun, after watching Aiden happy and carefree, climbing and running and laughing in the sun with his hair windswept and his eyes so bright, Micah was thoroughly distracted. The fact that Aiden was lying with his head in Micah’s lap certainly wasn’t helping to get Micah’s reactions under control. He was trying very hard not to fidget as he stroked his fingers through Aiden’s hair.

“What’s wrong?” Aiden turned to look up at him halfway through the movie. He looked unfairly attractive. The light from the lamp reflected in his eyes until they looked honey-yellow; his hair was mussed and his cheeks were slightly pink under the tan after spending the whole day outside. “You’re all tense.”

Micah shook his head. “No, I’m not.” He glanced at the screen, desperately looking for something to distract Aiden. “Shhh, I think they are finally going to enter the building.”

The unimpressed arched eyebrow told him he’d failed.

“They’ve already left the building. It was empty. Which makes me wonder what you’ve been doing for the last ten minutes.”

“I… must have dozed off?”

Aiden smirked. “Liar.” Then he slowly turned his head and with a mischievous grin, rubbed his cheek against the hard-on straining Micah’s jeans. “I think I found the source of your distraction.”

Micah felt his face heat up, from embarrassment as much as the pleasure of this little bit of friction.

“Oh come on, like you never get inappropriate boners in random situations,” he managed.

Aiden grinned, still pressing his face against the bulge. “Nope. My boners are usually very apropos. And so are yours, I think.” He turned to his side so that he was facing Micah and his definitely inappropriate boner that had no inclination to disappear. “Though I doubt it’s the zombies that turn you on,” Aiden added conversationally and put his hand on the offending spot, stroking firmly up and down with just the right amount of pressure.

Micah gasped; his eyes rolled up in his head and his hips jerked forward in reflex. Aiden shifted in his lap and withdrew his hand. When Micah opened his eyes, Aiden was just reaching to unbuckle his belt.

“Have you been with anyone else since the night at the lake?” Aiden asked.

“Just you. What are you doing?”

“I’m going to blow you,” Aiden said simply, as if stating that he was going out to buy milk.

Micah felt lightheaded. Perhaps he really had dozed off and was now having a very vivid erotic dream induced by Aiden’s presence. Still, whatever that was, it wasn’t right.

“No. No, Aiden, we talked about it. We can’t do this. You said so yourself.”

The belt was undone now and Aiden reached for the top button. “I said I can’t do this professionally. And I’m not. This is not a job. Just me.”

“Why?”

“Because I want to,” he said simply. “I want to taste you. I want to get you off. I haven’t done this for myself, just for fun, for longer than I can remember.” Aiden’s nimble fingers were making a quick job of the buttons of Micah’s fly, their warmth seeping through the cotton of his underwear. Micah resisted the urge to press against them.

“I haven’t showered yet, and we’ve been sweating all day.”

Aiden mouthed up the length of Micah’s cock through his briefs. His voice was muffled against it as he said, “I
so
don’t care.”

“But—”

“Do you want me to stop?” Aiden asked earnestly, backing off. “I will if you do, just say the word.”

Micah drew a shuddering breath, all willpower gone. “No. Please don’t stop.”

The satiny heat of Aiden’s mouth was like sweet, sweet oblivion. The movie went on, forgotten.

It was a good thing
that Micah only noticed the bruises afterwards. Otherwise they would have been sure to shake him out of the mood and deprive him of the pleasure of returning the favor and doing what he’d been fantasizing for much too long—giving Aiden a long, slow blowjob. Okay, so maybe in his fantasies it wasn’t fake-banana flavored, but he understood why Aiden insisted on wearing a condom, and appreciated his level-headed reminder when all Micah could think of was getting his mouth on that gorgeous dick, now.

The bruises were purplish and very obviously finger-shaped, four points around each of Aiden’s hipbones, in sharp contrast to his tanned skin. There was really no mistaking how they could have gotten there.

Now that Micah had noticed them, he was suddenly aware of other things. A red spot on the inside of Aiden’s left thigh revealed, upon closer inspection, a huge fresh bite mark, and when Micah slid his hands up to move his T-shirt out of the way, Aiden caught his wrists.

“Don’t.”

Micah frowned. “Why not?”

“You won’t like it.”

“I already don’t. Who did that to you?”

Aiden rolled his eyes. “Who do you think? Did you forget what I am?” he asked, sarcasm dripping from every word.

It stung, having that tone turned on him. Micah bit his tongue, but then blurted, “And you just let them do that to you? Leave marks on you?”

Aiden kept his eyes. “I let you, didn’t I?”

Right. Micah had never thought about it like that, those two little marks he’d left on Aiden’s neck during their night together. They’d been gone by the time he’d seen Aiden again, and he never thought twice about them, but now, seeing evidence of other people imprinted into Aiden’s skin, it suddenly seemed like such a violation. Those marks were like proofs of possession, like the hickeys people used to display so proudly in high school to show off their boyfriends’ or girlfriends’ “ownership.” Seeing them made by people who paid Aiden to own him, or at least his body, even just for a few hours, felt wrong—sickeningly so when Micah realized he’d been one of those people himself.

And now? What was he doing? What were
they
doing?

“So… what does it mean?” he asked after they’d both gotten their clothes back in order. “You and me? Was it a one-time thing, or are we friends with benefits now or—?”

Aiden sighed, looking tired all of a sudden. “Does it have to mean anything? Do we have to name it, or set up rules?”

“I thought you liked rules.”

“At work. Not necessarily out of it.”

“But we’re fine?” Micah had to make sure.

Aiden smiled his beautiful, warm smile. “Do you regret what we’ve just done?”

“No.”

“Me neither. We’re perfectly fine, Micah. And has anyone told you that you have the sexiest mouth in Minnesota?”

They weren’t suddenly having sex
constantly now that the boundary was removed. Most of the time things between them were unchanged, as if adding sex into the mix didn’t affect their growing friendship at all. But there would be a heated glance or a teasing comment sometimes, and then hands and mouths and, on a few memorable occasions, full nudity and taking their time to fuck sweetly, thoroughly, on a bed or a table or, once, against a wall.

Whatever the circumstances, however, Aiden kept proving to be the most generous, selfless lover imaginable. It was always Micah who came first under his masterful care, and most of the time this seemed to be enough for Aiden, as if he took his pleasure from Micah’s orgasms. When offered reciprocation, he accepted, and happily so, but he never asked for anything.

That was such a contrast to what Micah had known that his whole attitude toward all things sexual was shifting. He used to believe there was something wrong with him, that he was simply unable to enjoy that sphere of life as much as everyone around him. Sex had been okay at best, often uncomfortable and generally a thing he could have lived without. But now he realized that hadn’t been his fault. He’d just never had really good sex with Brian. Now, he couldn’t get enough.

Not just of the sex itself. There was just something about Aiden when they were intimate—some tenderness, emotional openness—that disarmed Micah completely. In those moments, he wished this could all be real.

Because of course it wasn’t, and this whole “friends with benefits” situation was playing with fire, he knew. He enjoyed it way too much to put a stop to it
. Not yet
, he kept telling himself, but sometimes it struck him with full force how risky it was. When Daphne inquired about them, or when his parents called to ask if he would bring Angel home for Thanksgiving. When they met Claudia and Brad for dinner one night, and his heart ached so badly when Aiden kissed him in public and held his hand, pretending to be his boyfriend without being asked or paid. Every time they put their clothes back on and parted for the night, no matter how late it was, or when they kept so carefully quiet about what actually was between them.

It was reckless, and if they kept at it, sooner or later it would ruin one of the best friendships Micah had ever had. Sex with no strings attached could be fine for some people, maybe, but this wasn’t a random stranger or a distant acquaintance Micah was sleeping with. This was a man he cared deeply about.

Maybe he needed some time away from Aiden’s magnetic presence. He was scheduled to speak at an information security conference in San Francisco, and he’d been secretly dreading it, reluctant to leave the routine he’d come to love and spend the week so far away, but maybe it was for the best. He would clear his head, get some distance to think about it all, and decide what to do and how to do it.