Love's Suicide: Love's Suicide (42 page)

“It broke my heart when you left. I felt like I was being punished.”

“My brother fooled us both. Don’t let it get
to you. We’re together now, Kat.”

“Please be patient with me, Brooks. I know I said I couldn’t move forward, but I also can’t lose you. I just feel like I ended his life. I feel responsible and I’ve got to work that out on my own. You understand don’t you?”

“You hurt me earlier. I keep letting myself fall harder for you each time. The thing is, when I do that and you push me away, it hurts worse.” He shook his head. “All I can tell you is that no matter how many times I’ve tried to not love you, it’s never happened. So you can push me away. You can tell me you don’t want to be with me, but I’m not going anywhere. I’ll stalk you if I have to.”

I giggled. “I told you where I hide the house key. You’ve been invited in.”

“Good because I was planning on having a copy made in the morning.”

“Promise?”

He looked right at me and smiled. “Yes, I promise.”

It was the
reassurance that I needed. Things certainly weren’t worked out for either of us, but at least we knew that neither of us was giving up.

I closed my eyes, feeling comfortable against his body. Falling asleep was easy, even after he started to snore.

His alarm on his phone woke us both up and I realized that we’d slept the entire time. Brooks slid off the couch and covered me back up with a blanket. He kissed my forehead. “I need to go to work.”

I grabbed his hand as he started to walk away. “Will you be back later?”

He raised an eyebrow. “You’ve got a hard day ahead of you. Are you sure that’s what you want?”

I nodded.

He let out an air-filled laugh and scratched his head. “Woman, you’re so confusing.”

“Please?”

He leaned over and kissed me again. “I’ll see you later. I love you. Give B a kiss and tell her I’ll be here after work.”

“I don’t know what I’d do without you in my life. No matter what happens, you’re always there to protect me. Sometimes I think my parents made you that way, like they somehow connected us so I’d never be alone.”

“I hate to break it to you, but I loved you way before they died and I promise that they didn’t put any spells on me. It happened because I wanted it to. There’s no other reason that I want to be there for you. No one makes me do it. I do it because it makes me happy. It makes me feel close to you, even when you’re not paying attention.”

He winked at me before walking out of the room.

I watched him go out the door before I closed my eyes again. Brooks hadn’t left me like I’d thought. He’d come back just in case I needed him, in which I did. I would always need him and knowing that made me more determined to get through whatever was happening with me.

Chapter 55

B woke me up a few hours after Brooks had gone to work. She came running up to the couch and started poking at my face. “Mama, get up.”

I sat up before I remembered that my body was still in a bit of pain. The first thing I noticed was that my head was pounding. I scooted my feet to the floor and grabbed the
sides of the couch to pull myself up. B watched and waited for me to go into the kitchen.

I had no idea that Danica would be sitting in there already waiting for me. “Good morning, Katy.”

I smiled and looked down at the floor, unable to hold my emotions in at all. “Good morning.”

“Did Brooks get off to work okay?”

She knew he’d been there the whole time and had probably heard our entire conversation. “Yeah. He said he’d be back when he gets off.”

I put my coffee cup under the instant maker and pushed the button before I could turn and look at her. She came over and waited for me to be finished making it before she carried it over to the table. After making B some oatmeal, she joined me back at the table. “I was wondering if yo
u’d like us to come along today when you visit your friends?”

I shrugged and traced the outside edge of the coffee cup. “I don’t
know. The truth is I don’t even think we’re friends anymore. Sarah made it clear that she wants nothing to do with someone that runs away from her marriage. They weren’t even on my side when he used to hit me. I’d just assume to not contact them after all this is over.”

“I’ll keep B here and get some more cleaning done.”

I reached for her hand. “Danica, you don’t have to do that. I’ll call a company to come out and clean and then another to start doing repairs.”

“If you fill out a police report your insurance would cover the damage.”

I smiled and thought of Bobby. “No. This was his way of punishing me. I don’t want to put a claim in so soon after moving in. It will only hurt my premiums. I’ll deal with it. Mostly it’s cosmetic. We can fix the walls and replace the carpet. I can buy new furniture and curtains.”

Danica squeezed my hand. “I hate that this has happened to you.”

I looked over at B, who had no idea what was happening. Not only had she never mentioned or looked for Bobby, but even after hearing other people talk about him, she seemed unfazed. “I’m just glad she’s too young to know what’s going on. He was good to her, even when he wasn’t to me. He really loved her.” I started to tear up. “It really breaks my heart.”

She scooted her chair closer to me and pulled me into her arms. I couldn’t stand crying in front of my daughter and lately she’d seen too much of it. I grabbed the remote off the table and turned on the small kitchen television for her to be occupied with. When she saw the cartoons it was as if she were alone in the room.

“You’re going to get through this, Katy. I’ll stay here as long as you want me to.”

I shook my head. “You don’t have to. I know I’ve only brought you disappointment. I could never expect you to forgive me.”

“I’m no saint. None of us are, I suppose. I won’t abandon you just because you made some poor choices. We’re family, you know that.”

I closed my eyes, imagining my life without them in it. I’d gone for too long feeling like I had nobody. All the while, they’d been there waiting for me to come home. “Thank you. I appreciate that. Sometimes I just wish I had my parents here with me, especially when I slept with Brooks the night before the wedding. I felt so awful and so in
love at the same time. The conflict that I was having with myself sent me over the edge. I had to run, because I couldn’t face any of you. Besides, I knew Brooks was leaving and there wasn’t anything I could do about it.”

Danica looked away, which I thought was weird. “I miss your parents, too. I think about them every day.”

“I guess things happen for a reason. They picked the right people to raise me at least.”

Danica started to cry and I felt sad that bringing up my parents hurt her so much. They’d be
en friends for so long.

Finally she calmed down and since it was getting late in the morning, I needed to get moving. I had a lot of things to do to make arrangements for Bobby’s service. After crutching my way into my half-charred bedroom, I closed the door and got situated on the bed with the phone in my hand. I called church first, hoping they would be able to do a memorial without a bunch of drama.

When all was agreed upon and I received way too many condolences, I called to order flowers and double checked with the funeral home that Bobby’s body was being delivered the next day. His family had little money and his life insurance would only pay for a regular funeral. I wanted it to be special, as sort of a final plea for his forgiveness, so I paid for it to be as beautiful as possible. I ordered him a nice headstone that stated ‘Loving Father’. It was difficult, knowing that I’d been the reason for his death, and yet I was planning to have him put into the ground. I felt evil, as if everyone around me would accuse me of wanting him dead.

As much as I wished things would have been different, I never wanted to hurt him like I had. Not only had I ripped apart his heart, but I’d also caused his death. I felt
wretched inside, like I wasn’t worth the love that I was receiving.

They couldn’t understand what it felt like knowing that I’d swung that bottle at his head and knocked him unconscious. They weren’t hearing the sound I heard when it made contact with his
jaw. They didn’t see his eyes when he barely opened them moments later.

Over and over it was all I saw and I couldn’t get it out of my head.

Then there was Brooks; committed to us no matter what I decided, or how long it took me to come to grips with my actions.

Having so much on my mind did nothing for the pounding headache I’d woken up with and I knew I couldn’t
drive anywhere without it being complicated.

I was going
to have to ask Danica to take me and I didn’t want to, so I dialed Sarah’s number and took a deep breath, knowing I was taking the cowardly approach to telling them that their best friend was gone.

“Hello?”

“Sarah, it’s me, Katy. I’ve got some bad news.”

She started crying immediately. “Bobby’s cousin saw Dave last night at the gas station. We heard about the accident.”

“I wanted to come tell you in person, but I can’t get around easily. I’m so sorry, Sarah. I know you both loved him very much.”

The line got quiet and I didn’t hear her sniffles anymore. “And what about you, Katy? Did you ever love that man at all? What was he in Washington, D.C.
for in the first place?”

I stared at the charred ceiling and started to cry. “He
was furious with me for serving him papers. Sarah, you might not believe this, but he was going to hurt me again.”

“Bullshit!” I’d never heard her use profanity, which
could only mean she was irate with me. “That man loved you more that his own life. How dare you sit there on that pedestal and act like he wasn’t a fine person. He gave you everything and he died because of it. I hope you’re happy with yourself, when you’re walking around town with your soldier boyfriend. Just know that when you feel like people are talking about you, they will be.”

“Sarah, I’ve never lied to you. I swear.”

“Save it. I don’t want any more of your excuses. You don’t know how hard it’s been to live with knowing that I brought you into our lives. You ruin everything you touch, Katy. I should have left you at that store and kept driving.”

I was crying so hard that Danica had come running to the room. The phone was still in my
hand, but the line had gone dead. Sarah, my only friend that I’d relied on since arriving in town, not only hated me, but wished she’d never met me.

Danica held me and let me cry. She didn’t ask questions, or try to talk to me. There wasn’t a way that I could even express my feelings any other way. I felt like I wanted to die myself. I’d taken away a man that
my town considered the ideal person. They’d never know what he was like behind closed doors. They’d never understand that I’d tried to be good to him, even after so much pain.

Finally, she climbed off of the box spring and walked out of the room, closing the door behind her.

When the phone started ringing, I jumped. Thinking it was Sarah or maybe even Dave, calling me to give me another bout of verbal torture, I answered as calm as possible. “Hello?”

“You’re crying? What’s wrong?” Hearing his voice made me cry harder. There he was calling me at that exact moment where I felt so helpless.

“I just got off the phone with Sarah.”

“That bad?”

“Well, they all loved him. They could never believe the things that I said he did, and of course, I got blamed for everything that happened, including him coming to D.C. and losing his life. She even said that the whole town was going to hate me and I needed to prepare myself for it.” I started to sob so loudly that I couldn’t hear him talking.

“Kat, listen to me. You’ve got to calm down.”

Finally, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. “Sorry.”

“We’re going to get through these next couple of days. Mom and I will be by your side the whole time. I don’t give a shit what those people think of you. I know the real Katy; the one that cares about other people and leaves her life and everything behind because she’s di
sappointed them. I know the girl that lost her parents and somehow grew up to be an amazing mother. And last but never least, I know the woman that loves someone with her whole heart, no matter how far away they might be. Please, try to calm down. I’ll be there around four. I’ve got to stop and do something first.”

“Brooks?”

“Yeah?”

I sniffled and tried to think of what to say to him, because thank you was never going to be enough. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Yes, you do. Go take a hot bath. Close your eyes and think about B’s smile. Think about how happy she is when you walk into the room. Think of things that make you happy. Just try to relax.”

“I’ll think about you, Brooks.”

He laughed and I knew he was smiling. “Without clothes. That always seems to change my mood.”

I snickered
through another wave of tears. “I’ll try that.”

“That’s my girl. I’ll see you in a bit.”