Love's Suicide: Love's Suicide (19 page)

An hour had passed and I was still sitting there, avoiding the tears and doing my breathing exercises. As I looked over at the clock a second time, I was sure that I needed to get up and leave the note
intact.

To say that I wen
t about my day as if nothing had happened would have been a lie. No matter what I was doing, I was thinking about that envelope and what could be inside. After hours of trying to reason with myself, I was sitting back down at the table, staring at it again.

My hands were shaking and my entire body felt cold. It was a terrible decision, albeit I was making it anyway, on account of having to know what it said. My heart yearned for one more acknowledgement of his love for me.

I tore open the envelope and started unfolding the paper. After closing my eyes and giving myself a few minutes to relax, I opened them again.

The first thing I noticed was that it wasn’t his handwriting.

Dear Kat,

Sorry it’s been a couple weeks since I wrote you and I know you’re probably wondering why my
handwriting sucks so bad. I will first start by saying that I’m alright. You can stop worrying about me.

My left hand, the trusty one that I’ve done everything with my whole life, is out of commission.

It was a late night call and none of us had gotten much sleep. My lieutenant had us running into building that had been attacked, retrieving any living bodies we could find. I came across this father, holding a little girl tight in his arms. As I approached, I realized that he’d shielded the impact and lost his life protecting her.

After prying her out of his
rigged hold, she started to scream, as if I was there to harm her. Everything happened so fast after that. I started running, holding her in one arm and my gun with the other. I got to the corner of the building when I heard the grenade being thrown. The only problem was that it was so dark I couldn’t see the direction that it had rolled. Knowing that any second it was going to blow, I threw myself over her, blocking her with my arm and hands from injury.

The impact was insane, shoving shards of metal and debris into my arm. I could smell my flesh burning, but knew saving her was still a top priority.

Then my body gave out on me; unable to withstand the amount of pain I was under any longer. I collapsed out on the road, with the girl still in my arms.

When I woke up, I was in the hospital. I had no recollection of the day it was, or how I’d gotten there. One thing I did know was that my hand and
arm was casted and I had no feeling in my fingertips.

I found out that I suffered from a concussion and messed up my arm pretty bad. They think it will get better, but for now, I can’t perform my Ranger duties.

So, that’s the bad news.

Now for the good.

Katy, I hope you’re sitting down.

I’m coming home.

Well, not exactly home. I’ve been re-assigned to a new base and you’re never going to guess where.

Fort Jackson.

I can imagine that you’re probably in tears and wondering how long you have to wait to see my handsome face again. It’s going to be soon, but I’m not exactly sure when they’ll give me the go-ahead. It’s just a bunch of ridiculous paperwork really.

At some point I’m sure I will have to have surgery in Bethesda at Walter Reid, so that will be a joy. Seeing the family hasn’t been the highest of my
priorities.

None of that matters right now.

My temporary profile for now will allow me to assist with combat training and since it’s what I do best, I know I’ll enjoy it.

So, I want you to know, I’m coming home for you, Katy. We’re going to start over and be together. This time there won’t be anything standing in our way. We can make our own lives now.

I can’t tell you how excited I am to hold you in my arms. I feel like it’s been forever.

I’ll let you know when I’m in town, by probably stopping by unannounced to surprise the hell out of you. Be on the lookout for me.

I love you so much.

See you soon,

Brooks

There were no words.

I couldn’t move.

It wasn’t possible.

He couldn’t be
alive?

With no regard for anything else going on in my life, I grabbed my phone and dialed a number that I never thought I’d ever be calling again. I didn’t even know if he’d still have the same number, but I had to try. I had to know the truth and didn’t want to upset Danica if it was all a mistake.

“Hello?”

I recognized it, even after all the time that has passed. “Branch, it’s me
, Katy.”

“Katy?
Wow.” He cleared his throat, as if I’d left him speechless. “Are you okay? Is it Brooks?”

Hearing him ask that answered the burning question. I had to still ask. “He’s okay?”

Branch seemed confused. “I have no idea if he’s alright. We don’t exactly speak you know.”

“I called a while back and Mel…”

He interrupted. “She started to tell you he’d gotten hurt and you hung up on her. When she tried to call you back, you wouldn’t answer. What happened? Are you in some kind of trouble? Did my brother run out on you or something? I know you’re together now. It’s no secret why he purposely got stationed so far away. We could all guess the reason.”

I was
already crying. “No. I’m fine. I think I just got confused. I need to go.”

“Katy, wait! Mom and Dad miss you. Hell, even I miss you. You should come home in September. We all still visit the graves on the anniversary. You not being there makes it even harder.”

“Branch, I wish it were that simple. I have a life here.”

“Just think about it. It would make my mom’s year if you called her or came to visit. She loves you so much.”

“I left you at the alter after sleeping with your brother. How could you say she loves me?”

Branch chuckled. “Katy,
I’m in a good place now. You were supposed to be with Brooks. I let my jealousy control my life back then. Now I lost my best friends because of it. You leaving didn’t just hurt us. It ripped us apart.”

“I have to go, Branch.” I hung up the phone knowing that I couldn’t get into a deep conversation with him until I found out where Brooks was and why I hadn’t seen him yet.

Then it hit me.

I thought about the man in the conspicuous truck outside and how it appeared like I was being watched.

After looking in the phone book, I called the sheriff’s office and left him a message to call back.

Ten minutes later, I had him on the phone. “Mrs. Parsons. Is your visitor back, because he assured me that he wouldn’t be bothering you or your husband
anymore? I’d like to think that a soldier is good on his word.”

My mouth dropped.

Another confirmation.

“Soldier? Did you happen to catch his name?”

“Let me see if I can remember. It was a weird one, like his parents were hippies or somethin’. Thorne, Storm, or maybe it was Brooks? I know his last name was Valentine. Sergeant Valentine. Do you recognize it?”

I was shaking so badly that I wondered if he could hear my teeth chattering. “No. Thank you for your time.”

I hung up before he could start asking me questions.

I closed my eyes and tried to think about everything for the past few months. I thought about all of the times that the little truck had been parked outside and why he hadn’t contacted me.

That’s when I think I knew the reason and I understood why he’d never talked to me again.

He’d seen Bobby and maybe even B. He’d seen the name on my mailbox and realized that I was married.

I covered my face with my hands and bawled like I’d never cried before in my life. Not only was Brooks alive, but I’d broken his heart again and not even realized it.

How could I have been such a fool?

For that matter, how in the hell was I going to even explain it to him?

When I heard Bobby’s truck pulling in the driveway, I wiped off my face and stuck the note under our mattress. He was going to notice that I hadn’t done anything all day, so I got under the covers and pretended to be resting.

He came in and kissed me on the forehead. “Hey, babe. Are you sick? I could have come home early.”

I pretend
ed to have just woken up and rubbed my eyes. “I don’t feel good. I thought if I took a nap I’d feel better.”

He sat down on the bed and pulled me into a hug. “I’ll make you some soup and have leftovers. B can share with me.”

He got up and walked out of the room, leaving me to sulk in my web of guilt. I had so many emotions running through me that I knew I was about to lose my mind. I had to get control over myself until I could figure out what to do and how to reach out to Brooks. After all the time that had passed, he had to know that I was sorry. It wasn’t just that. After thinking that he’d died there was a part of me that needed reassurance that I wasn’t just dreaming all of this up. I had to know for sure that he was real and he was living close to me.

It was difficult not putting on shoes and getting into my car until I found him. He deserved answers and I knew he at least had questions. I needed to know how much of my life he’d put together and if he even suspected that B was his child.

Waiting until Bobby went to work the next day was going to be impossible, but it had to be done. Until I knew what was happening, I had to keep it a secret. My sanity, as well as my child’s well being was at stake and there was nothing that I wouldn’t do to make sure she always came first.

Chapter 27

After faking an illness to avoid my husband, I woke up the next morning feeling like crap. I think between all of the crying and honest to goodness guilt and worry, I’d come down with a cold. My nose was stopped up and my head was pounding.

I was determined and my hea
lth wasn’t going to keep me from doing what had to be done.

Nothing was going to stop me from hunting down Brooks and forcing him to listen to me. I
couldn’t let him be so close to me without reaching out.

After calling Sarah
and telling her a huge lie as to why I needed a sitter, I was dropping off B and heading to Columbia, where the Fort Jackson barracks were located.

I didn’t know what I was going to say, or if he’d even be there, but I had to try.

I’d made it one mile outside of town before I had to turn off the radio. Ever
y song reminded me of the pain that I caused myself and possibly Brooks. I knew he must hate me and even if those feelings stood, I had to apologize. He had to know how sorry I was for breaking his heart and lying to him.

When I pulled up at the barracks I was stopped by a guard that wanted to know my business for being there. Since I only had a name and nothing else, I pleaded my case, as if it were life and death.

“I’m here to see a soldier named Brooks Valentine.”

“Is he expecting you?”

“No.”

“I’m sorry ma’am, but this is a restricted area. I suggest you get in contact with him and have
him put you on the visitor’s list.”

“You don’t understand. I have to get to him. I have to talk to him. My life depends on it.”

“Ma’am, are you in some kind of trouble?”

I started crying. “Please. You don’t have to let me through, but can you at least ask him to come out to meet me? Just tell him Katy Michaels is here to see him.”

The man rolled his eyes and went inside of his little booth, where he comically shared my desperate situation with his partner.

I felt
violated, like they were trampling on my already fragile heart.

Thankfully, I watched him make a call. I sat there biting my nails, refusing to take no for an answer when he came back and told me Brooks wasn’t coming out.

As he approached my vehicle, I thought I was going to throw up in his face. My nerves were making my stomach queasy and even though I was sitting, I felt lightheaded.

He handed me a paper to put o
n my dashboard and a visitor badge to wear on my shirt. “Take this road until you come to a stop. Make that first left and pull into the second building. He said he’ll come outside to meet you.”

His words were ringing in my ears. After all the time that had passed I was going to
see Brooks.
My
Brooks that I thought had been killed. My Brooks, that I never stopped loving, not even for a second.

I followed his directions and parked in a vacant s
pot. Soldiers marched around in the grass and I focused on them instead of the door where he’d be coming out of. I couldn’t bring myself to look at it, in fear of passing out.

My hands were shaking and the bile was in my throat. I had to close my eyes to breathe without straining.

Then I heard his boots hit the pavement when he walked. They crunched against the little gravel pebbles and I knew he was standing there outside my window.

I couldn’t, for the life of me, turn to look at him. I knew his beautiful face was looking in waiting for me and I couldn’t do it. I was so afraid of so many things, but mostly I was afraid to look at him and accept that I’d been wrong.

He wasn’t just alive. He’d come for me and I’d destroyed him once again.

When I felt like I was going to start the car and pull out without explanation, he startled me by climbing into the passenger seat. My heart was beating out of my chest and even without looking at him, I began to sob. I could smell him and I knew he was real; so real that I could reach over and touch him.

Brooks was alive and he was sitting in my car. “Kat, look at me.”

His words.

His voice.

It was all I could think about as I turned and looked right into the eyes of the most beautiful, perfect man in the world. “Brooks.”

He smiled and reached over to wipe away my tears. “Don’t cry. I can’t handle it.”

I cried worse. “I just got your letter. The last one you sent. It must have gotten lost.”

He put his fingers over my lips. “Like the letters you wrote to me, telling me you were married with a kid?”

And there it was.

The reason why I hadn’t heard from him.

He knew the truth and it was the reason that he wasn’t beating down my door looking for me. I looked at the steering wheel and covered my face. “I’m so sorry, Brooks. I didn’t have the heart to tell you. I never expected that you’d still love me and when I found out you did, nothing else mattered except for you and me.”

I couldn’t look at him.

“Kat, Do you have any idea what I had to do to get stationed near you? It was a pain in the ass and involved a lot of ass kissing. I figured that it didn’t matter as long as I had you. We could get married and live on or off a base somewhere, and maybe even have a couple of kids. Do you have any idea how it felt to pull up at your house and see you with them? At first I couldn’t believe it. I thought maybe you were living with friends. Then when that cop called and told me that you and your husband were concerned, I knew my fears were true.”

“I’m sorry.” It was all I could say, but my voice was pleading. “You don’t understand what happened to me.”

Finally, I had to face him. I couldn’t let this be our goodbye and not take in every inch of him. “How long have you been married, Kat?”

My bottom lip
quivered as I looked into those blue eyes. If only I had the strength to tell him about B. He’d understand why I couldn’t do it on my own. “Two years,” I whispered.

Brooks stared at me, peering into my soul for explanations that I wasn’t ready to give. “Jesus Christ. Did you even mean the things you said t
o me, or were they all just bullshit?”

“Everything I said was the truth and you know it!”

He looked out the window and I saw him clenching his jaw, like he did when he was angry. “I wish I could believe that.”

I felt like I was losing him over and over again and no matter what I did, I couldn’t
stop it. I reached for his hand. It was in a splint and I knew he was the man I’d seen at the parade. I hadn’t been imagining that he was real. Brooks was really there, right in front of my face the whole time.

As our fingers touched an
electric shock ran through me. I knew he felt it. He turned to look my way and sighed. “I can feel your touch. It’s gotten worse. The feeling comes and goes. If it keeps up I’m going to fail my next PT-test and then I’ll be up shit’s creek.”

I watched his face full of anger turn to pain.

“You’re the only man that I’ve ever truly loved, Brooks. Look at me and tell me that I’m lying.” I peered into those baby blues, baring my soul to him.

“It changes nothing. I won’t be a home wrecker. You never really belonged to Branch, but the man you’re married to doesn’t deserve to get his heart ripped out. If he loves you half as much as I do, that’s what will happen. I can’t live with myself for doing that. As much as it hurts me to say this,
I’ve got to walk away from you, for good this time.”

I cried more, silently
pleading with myself to tell him the truth.

We sat there, in my car, staring at each other in silence. So many mistakes, so much lost time had come between us for too long. I wasn’t ready to give up.

He put his hand on the door to open it and I watched him starting to climb out. He turned back and had real tears falling down his face. “Take care of yourself, Kat. Be a good mother and wife. Give them the love that we have and you’ll be happy. I know you will.”

He climbed out and started walking toward the building. I was hysterical and didn’t know what to say or do, but letting him walk away from
me wasn’t an option.

I jumped out of the car and ran toward him, grabbing the back of his fatigues. “Don’t you dare walk away from me. I won’t let you say goodbye this time.”

People around us were starting to give dirty looks as they walked by and I knew Brooks didn’t want them seeing him emotional. He pulled me inside of the building, past a few desks and into an office, before shutting the door.

He paced around the room, w
hile I stood there crying. Then he sat down on the other side of the desk and motioned for me to sit down. A box of tissues was on it and I helped myself. “Please don’t do this. Don’t push me away.” I cried harder. “I can’t live without you. I don’t even want to.”

He
leaned over the desk. “Listen to yourself. You have a child. How can you say that without me you don’t want to live? Do you know what I would give to have a wife and a child? After everything I’ve seen, all I want is to care for the people I love.”

“You don’t understand.” I shook my head, unable to say the words.

He stood up and leaned in closer to me. “Then tell me. Give me one reason why I shouldn’t watch you drive home to your family and never look back.”

“I can’t. You’ll never forgive me. I’ve ruined everything. I’m
so sorry, Brooks. Please don’t say goodbye. Don’t give up on us.”

He put his head down. “Katy, I can’t do this with you. I’m already going to hear shit for you coming here.
This is a serious place and I have a damn job to do. This isn’t high school anymore. I can’t deal with the drama and I won’t be involved with a married woman. Please, if you have nothing else to say then you have to go.”

“What about our love?” I was so desperate.

“Our love has never been our problem.”

I hated that he refused to look at me. No matter how I tried to
rationalize why I couldn’t tell him the truth about B, I knew that it was the only way that I wouldn’t lose him forever.

Without considering what it would do to Bobby, to B and to the life that I had, I closed my eyes, took a few deep breaths and opened them
back up to be staring at him. “She’s yours, Brooks.”
“What?” He seemed confused.

“My daughter.
My husband isn’t the father, Brooks, you are.”

Chapter 28

I could see the flash of pain and despair across his face. “Come again?”

I was sobbing uncontrollably, knowing that he was going to hate me even worse. “She’s yours.”

“Why would you say that to me? We spent one night together in a hotel room.”

I wiped my eyes with the tissue. “Because I hadn’t been with Branch since before I had my last cycle.
My doctor, who gave me the exact date of conception, also verified it. She’s yours, Brooks.”

I reached into my purse and pulled out my new cell phone that was full of photos of B. “See for yourself.”

Brooks yanked my phone out of my hand and looked at the first picture. He sat down in his chair, but never took his eyes off of the screen.