Love's Suicide: Love's Suicide (40 page)

Brooks left the room, not because he had to right away, but because he couldn't stand looking at me and not feelin
g what he feared was going to happen.

Nobody hated me more than I hated myself. I looked around the empty room and felt as if it was where I was supposed to be.

Alone.

Brooks loving me was his weakness. He couldn’t see the truth, because he was blinded by that love. I caused pain, no matter where I went or who I was around.

That night was difficult, but the next few days were even harder. Brooks called me every morning, then at lunch and one last time before he went to bed.

His voice soothed me, even if it were only a temporary fix. Danica brought B to the hospital each day until I was finally released on Wednesday.
My hip was still in a bit of pain, but manageable with medication. Walt had rearranged the furniture so that I could maneuver a temporary wheelchair around on the first floor.

It was good to be out of the hospital, but I had other things clouding my mind. Since I was Bobby’s wife, it was up to me to take care of his body, transporting it home and arranging a funeral.

I didn’t know where to begin.

Finally, after making calls to his family, I was left staring at the phone, knowing I had to call Sarah and Dave. My stomach was in knots and I broke down.

Danica came running in, with B following close behind her. “What’s wrong? Does something hurt?”

Aside from a bunch of bruises,
the only thing that was wrong with me was that I’d dislocated my hip. I still had a killer headache and my body felt like it had been thrown into a cement maker. That aside, I wasn’t incapable. “No. I’m okay. I just need to get home. I have to be there to do all of this in person.”

I could tell she was conflicted with what she should say. It was understandable that Danica didn’t want me leaving, on account of B. She wanted to be with her as much as she could and us being a few states away was hard on everyone.

“Danica, please. I need to get home.”

She grabbed the phone and started dialing before she would say what she was doing. “Hey, it’s me. Remember what we discussed last night? Yeah. I’ll call you when we get there. Love you too.”

She hung up and handed me the phone. “Call Brooks and tell him we’ll be home late tonight.”

I didn’t know what to say.

As much as I longed to see Brooks, I knew there were things that needed to be dealt with that didn’t involve him. I needed to worry about burying Bobby before I could begin to figure out anything else.

Still, I waited for her to walk out of the room before I dialed his number.

“Sergeant Valentine.”

“Hey, it’s me.”

“Are you okay?”

Hearing his voice instantly made me emotional. More than anything I wished that I could take everything back. I wanted to rewind the last four years of my life and choose Brooks from the beginning. Life would have all been so simple if I’d just made the right choices in the first place.

“Yeah. I’m fine.”

“Katy, please tell me you’re not calling to give me bad news. I’m having a terrible time being here when you’re both there. I can’t take much more this week.”

“I’m not. I’m calling because I’m coming home. Your mom is going to drive us and stay with me. She wanted me to call and tell you that we’ll be home late tonight.”

“She wanted you to call? So
you weren’t going to?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Yeah. You didn’t. So, do you want me to head over to your place when I get off?”

My throat was burning with the things that I wanted to say to him, but couldn’t. I couldn’t keep him from seeing B, even if I was conflicted about my life. I’d never do that to him. “Yes. There’s a hidden key attached to
a magnet underneath the fender to the riding mower. It’s in the shed. That key opens the front and kitchen door. I have no idea what’s there to eat, but help yourself. We’ll call when we get close.”

“I can’t wait to see you. We’re going to get through this, Kat.”

I was shaking so badly, hiding my sobs by covering the phone so he couldn’t hear me. “Okay.” It was all I could manage to get out.

“Don’t you dare give up on us. I know what you’re doing.”

“I’m not doing anything,” I said defensively.

“You’re pushing me away because you think it’s the right thing to do. You think you caused all of this to happen. Katy, you didn’t make him put that bottle to his mouth. You didn’t make him raise his hand to a woman. He did all of that himself. I know you feel guilty, but he could have chose
n other paths. He didn’t have to viciously hunt you down and you know it. If he found my parents address, he very well could have gotten their phone number. Please, Kat, just think about it. We all know you’d never hurt someone intentionally. You did what you had to do to get free. You said it yourself.”

“He’s dead because of me.
Nothing you say will change that. Now, I’ve got to come home and face all of the people that loved him. They never believed he did those things to me, so they’ll never understand that this was an accident.”

“He was drunk. It was confirmed through blood tests. Those people can say whatever they want, but they can’t deny the damn truth.” He was getting angry with me and I didn’t know what to say to comfort him.

He didn’t run away and become rescued by Sarah and Dave. As much as they’d done for me, I couldn’t stand imagining telling them that their very best friend was gone. The ache in my heart was excruciating to bear.

Brooks got quiet on the phone. I knew it was because he was frustrated. I was more frustrated with myself.

“I love you, so much,” he whispered.

I should have been
prepared to hear it. He never said goodbye without those words. I should have been able to handle it without breaking down. “I love you, too.” It would never be a lie. No matter what happened, I’d never love another man. That was the only thing I was completely positive about.

“I’ll be there waiting for you tonight. We’ll get through this together. I promise.”

I smiled through my tears, knowing he was making me a promise.

We hung up and I closed my eyes. I could still see Brooks and I together in my future, but there was this big wall blocking me from being able to have it and I didn’t know how to break it down.

Chapter 53

I had to give credit to Danica. She drove us, all the way through to South Carolina, only stopping for bathroom breaks. We were starving and I was exhausted. I’d fought so hard to stay awake to be able to occupy B and keep Danica company.

I wanted to close my eyes and drift away from anything but thinking about my life. No matter what I looked at, or what song was playing on the radio, I thought of Brooks and Bobby and how my whirlwind affair had cost me so much pain.

What hurt the most was knowing that I could have prevented it.

When we pulled up at the house, and I saw a strange vehicle, I knew Brooks was there waiting for us. He was going to want to talk to me again and I wasn’t prepared for it.

I still had calls to make and a company to meet in the morning that I was paying to transport Bobby’s body home. His family, who was extremely saddened by the news, had no idea that we’d been having problems and I worried that when they found out, it would change things.

I had to keep the peace.

It was difficult for me to get in and out of the car by myself, while still feeling pain. I should have known he’d be there to open the door for me. Seeing him standing there made my body immediately warm. His eyes were on mine as were his lips. I closed my eyes and savored the way it felt. “I missed you.”

I let my lips linger against his until we heard B. “Daddy. Me get out.”

Brooks left me standing there so he could pull B out of the back. “There’s Daddy’s, bug. Did you miss me?”

Once she was freed, he let her climb out on her own. Her hand found his and then his other was on my back as I hobbled along.

Danica grabbed her bag and followed us into the house.

I don’t know why I expected it to be as I’d left it. Brooks squeezed my hand when he heard me gasp. “I’ve been cleaning since I got here. I didn’t want you to see it like this.”

My beautiful, brand new home looked like it had been vandalized. Plates were broken, cabinet doors had been pulled off the hinges. Brooks helped me into the living room and the television screen had a huge crack in it. I could see where he’d picked up, but even noticed the curtains were ripped away from the walls.

I ventured further inside of my house, until I reached my bedroom door. Brooks put h
is hand over the doorknob. “Kat, let’s get you settled first.”

“What is it? What did he do?” I was already crying, feeling like all of the love I’d put into my home was wasted.

“You need to remember that this is just a house. Everything in here can be replaced.”

I looked right at him, angrily staring him down until he released the knob. “The fumes are still bad.”

I opened the door and was taken aback by the smell of gasoline. Everything had been shoved off of my dresser and someone had removed the sheets and blankets from my bed. A large black burn mark was in the center along with a dark mark from where the flames had charred the ceiling.

He’d set our bed on fire.

I couldn’t believe it.

My mouth hung open as I took another mental picture of the room. “What has he done?”

“I already bagged the bedding and the fire extinguisher. I’m assuming this was all some sick message, considering he’d been prepared to put the fire out before it got out of hand. Like I said before, we can replace all of this. I can buy us a new bed tomorrow. With a couple cans of paint and some fresh carpet we can get the smell out of here and you’ll never even be able to tell it ever happened.”

I shook my head and finally looked at Brooks. “Don’t you get it? This is all my fault. Everything! He did all of this because of what I did
to him - what we did to him.”

Brooks touched my shoulder
and I pulled away. “Please, Kat, you’re not thinking clearly.”

“My husband is dead
because I broke his damn heart. We did this to him. It didn’t have to be like this, Brooks. Stop acting like we’re just going to be happy and move forward. There is no moving forward. I’ll never forgive myself. I can’t even begin to think about it.”

He just stood there, as if I’d said nothing. I sighed, knowing I was breaking his heart too. Why couldn’t he understand that I felt responsible? Why couldn’t he see that I’d let my actions destroy a good man? All he wanted to do was take care of me and B. I practically ripped
her out of his arms and had fallen right back into bed with Brooks again. This uncontrolled roller coaster was a death-trap waiting to happen.

He reached for me again, pleading with his eyes.

I looked away.

“Kat, don’t make me leave. Please talk to me.”

I closed my eyes when I spoke to keep from losing it more. “I won’t ask you to leave. Your mother and our daughter are here.”

When I opened my eyes he nodded, but looked down. “You just need time. That’s what this is, right? We’ll get through this?”

“Maybe. It’s too much right now, Brooks. I’m not trying to hurt you and this isn’t about our love. There will never be anyone but you. I know that. I need to sort things in my head before I can do anything.”

He nodded again. “So what am I supposed to do? Do I come here every day and pretend that it’s okay to not be able to touch you? Do I avoid eye contact,
because looking at you is like shards of glass being driven into my eyes? I’ve waited for you, Kat. I’ve been so God damn patient. If I could take the pain away from you I would. I do anything to keep you from hurting, but I can’t accept that we can’t be together. I won’t let you push me away this time. Do you hear me?”

He grabbed both of my arms. “Look at me, Kat. Look me in the eyes and swear to me that we’re going to get through this.”

I closed my eyes and opened them slowly, feeling warm tears falling down my cheeks, one after the other. “What if we don’t?”

He shook me, not violently, but more as if he were trying to wake me from a sleep. “Don’t do this, again.”

“Brooks, what if I can’t move forward? Look at my house. A man is dead. Our love is like poison and everyone around us ends up getting hurt. How much more has to happen before you see that?”

His reddened eyes looked away, like looking at me made it all so much worse. Then, without another word, he left the room.

I heard the front door slam and a vehicle starting. It was obvious that I’d hurt him. I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone. That was the point. I couldn’t be responsible for what happened when Brooks and I were together. It wasn’t fair.

I fell down on the floor and began sobbing. My house was a disaster and I couldn’t even call the police to report it, because the person responsible had already met his fate. Everything was out of control and I felt like I was being sucked into a vicious black-hole with no way to escape.