Loving Lydia (Atlantic Divide) (16 page)

“Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“Would you hold me, please?”

Falling to his knees in front of her, he wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her neck. “I thought you’d never ask.”

She cradled him in her arms, rocked gently back and forth, and soothed him as he comforted her.

She felt his hammering heart quiet down as her pulse slowed, and when he slid her up the bed, he never let go for a moment.

“I should go home.” Her protest was half-hearted.

“Stay.”

“The children…”

“…are safe with Kate and Jack. I’m up at five for work, I can take you back. They won’t even know.”

The offer was tempting, but she felt she should make a further effort.

“What time is it now?”

“Just after midnight.”

She sighed, closed her eyes, and snuggled in. “Can we leave the light on?”

She knew her voice sounded pitiful and weak like a little girl’s, but as exhaustion overtook her and she drifted off to sleep, she was consoled by his reassurance.

“Oh baby, we can light it up like the White House if that helps.”

* * * *

Sneaking into the house at five-thirty in the morning somehow seemed so decadent and irresponsible, and it had been years since Lydia had been irresponsible, years since she’d allowed herself to be. Sam had kissed her while they stood on the back doorstep, a sweet lover’s kiss, so when she let herself in, there was still a self-satisfied smile in place.

“And what time do you call this, young lady?” Her sister’s quietly amused voice came from the dimly lit corner of the kitchen where she sat nursing Gemma.

Grinning infectiously, Lydia stepped closer and ran her fingers across her little niece’s downy hairline while the baby suckled her mother. She knelt down beside the chair and looked up at her older sister, unable to contain her happiness.

“You look good for someone who’s just given birth.”

“You look pretty good yourself for someone’s who’s been out all night.”

“I slept.”

“Mmmm hmmm.”

“Kate, I think I love him.”

Kate smiled down at her and ran a soft hand over her hair.

“I know that.”

“I’m scared.” She rested her cheek on Kate’s lap.

“I know that too.” Kate paused for a moment; her hand stilled in Lydia’s hair. “Have you told him what happened yet?”

They listened to the gentle suckling of the baby as it became slower, drowsier.

“No. Not all of it. Not yet. I don’t know how to.” Distracted, she rubbed her finger across Gemma’s downy, plump cheek. “It’s not really something you just drop into the conversation—oh by the way, Sam, I think you should know I murdered my husband.”

“Lydia.” Kate’s murmured disapproval made Lydia shift uncomfortably.

“I’ll speak to him soon, I promise. Once I do though, he’s not going to hang around.”

“He will. Have faith.”

“Yeah, ’cos faith gave me a good kicking last time.” They sat in silence for a moment, both reluctant to move.

“I had a phone call from Mum last night. They’re coming to visit at the end of the week.”

“Wow, that’ll be strange. There’ll be more of our family in America soon than there are of Jack’s. It’s a shame we haven’t heard from Michael lately. I’m sure he’ll be thrilled when he finds out he has a new niece.”

“Mum says they’ve not heard from him in four months, not a single message. I’m sure we’d have heard if something had happened to him.”

Both sisters smiled as Gemma’s little rosebud mouth went slack and milk dribbled slowly down her cheek. Lydia stood up and took the baby from her sister, sitting herself back down in a chair.

“We’re not sure where they’re going to stay, though. Jack hasn’t finished the other two bedrooms yet, and we’ve been using them for storage.” Lydia watched Kate closely and idly wondered if there was a point to this. “It would be a shame if they had to stay in a hotel and come back and forth each day.” Kate stood and walked toward the coffee machine. “Perhaps Jack could ask Sam to put them up,” she suggested, and Lydia caught her bland stare. “Although it seems a little unfair. Sam works such long hours, it’s probably as far away by road as the hotel, and they’ll have to hire a car. You know Dad hates driving abroad.” Lydia’s preoccupation with Gemma ground to a halt, and her narrowed eyes met the misty blue innocence of her sister’s.

“That could be awkward.”

“Well, have a think about it. If you can come up with a better alternative, let me know.” Lydia suspected her sister had already come up with an alternative; she just figured it wasn’t better for her, so she chose to ignore it.

“Okay. Kate, put the coffee down and go back to bed. I’ll watch Gemma for a few hours while you catch up on your sleep.”

It wasn’t long before her own heathens tumbled down the stairs, shrieking with laughter, and making Gemma’s sweet little face screw up in fright. The mewling sound that came from her gave Lydia a painful contraction in her chest.

She picked the baby up, snuggled her face into her soft neck, and closed her eyes with pleasure as she inhaled the wonderful perfume of newborn baby. Aaron and Rosie crept forward and leaned on her legs for a closer look.

*

Sam watched from the doorway as Lydia opened her beautiful green eyes, fogged with emotion, a smile of utter devotion on her face. He felt his heart contract and almost heard the slushing noise as it hit the floor at her feet.

I want this, he thought. All of it. I want her, her children. We could have our own children too.

He leaned down and hefted Aaron into his arms, ruffled Rosie’s hair as she peered up at the baby, and then gently pulled Lydia close and fit his mouth against hers. He felt her sink into him, wanting as much as he wanted. When he pulled back to study her face, Aaron wriggled free, and he let him slide down to the floor to go and find toys with Rosie.

“Marry me.” Filled with emotion, his voice barely made it past his throat, but she heard. Heard it, but it took her a moment to comprehend, and then he saw the fear in her eyes as she took a step back.

“Sam, I…”

“Hey, you guys. What’s for breakfast?” Jack’s deep voice rumbled from the doorway. “Sorry, did I interrupt something?”

“No,” Lydia assured.

“Yes,” Sam growled.

Jack didn’t look contrite; he simply smiled, walked straight over to Lydia, and kissed the top of her head before he relieved her of his baby girl. Looking into his brother’s turbulent eyes, his grin spread wider as he walked over to the kitchen door to stand in the early morning sunshine.

“Lydia, your parents are arriving in a couple of days.”

“Yes, Kate mentioned it this morning.”

“She was wondering if you’d mind if they stayed at your place, Sam.” Sam gave an easy shrug. It was no skin off his nose. He was barely there anyway.

“I thought it might be easier for them, though, if they moved in here.” Sam shrugged again, unconcerned, and reached for his coffee. “It means that Jim won’t have to drive and they won’t have to rely on you to bring them over here.”

Lydia moved Sam out of her way as she put toast in the toaster. Sam handed her the first coffee and then turned to make his own. Their movements were smooth and fluid, in rhythm with each other, almost like they were already a couple.

“I don’t think we’re going to make our other spare rooms habitable in time,” Jack prodded once more.

Sam turned and leaned against the bench, crossed his arms over his chest, and narrowed his eyes at his big brother, wondering what the hell he was up to. Preoccupied, Lydia moved as the toast popped.

“I wondered if it would be better if Lydia and the kids came and stayed with you, Sam?”

Lydia bobbled the toast, caught one piece before it hit the floor, and the other skidded across the counter. With a self-conscious move, she tucked her hair behind her ear and then carefully buttered the toast and concentrated on setting it on a plate.

*

Heart in her throat, she wondered what was in Sam’s head. He hadn’t so much as twitched a muscle, and she could feel his eyes on her, waiting. She placed the plate on the table, called Rosie and Aaron over for their breakfast, gave her hands a quick rub on her jeans, and then turned to face the two big, silent men who dominated the kitchen. Jack’s face was blank, poker player blank. Sam just waited, gentle eyes calm and inquiring, giving her room to make the decision herself.

He’d just asked her to marry him. In fact it hadn’t sounded like a request, more like a gentle insistence. Did he really want her to marry him? She felt foolish, knowing he was aware that she almost ran in her desperation to escape from him when he mentioned marriage. She now had to deal with this secondary attack. Emotional blackmail from Jack, who could have no idea of the dilemma he had just made her face. Worry and fear had her mentally smacking her hand against her forehead. Of course she couldn’t live with him. Even for a short while, she could never trust another man again. You never knew what you were dealing with until you lived with someone.

She saw the light of disappointment in his eyes and the regretful smile form on his lips as he stared back at her, and she felt a tug of sadness in her heart. She knew she hurt him. She had no option. She needed to look out for herself and her two children. She’d learned the hard way if you don’t protect yourself, you can’t expect anyone else to do it for you. Sam shifted and pushed away from the counter as his eyes fell away from hers.

“I’ll get my gear and move into the bunk house with the boys. You can stay in the house with the kids.”

Pure shock hit her. Why would he do such a thing? She aimed a curious look at him and caught his eye. He kicked his smile up, slow and easy, sad and weary.

“You can’t do that. I can’t let you move out of your own house, Sam.”

“Well, what would you suggest, Lydia?”

She chewed on her bottom lip, exchanged a look between him and his brother. A frown formed between her brows as she tried to resolve the problem. Nothing came to mind as they both waited patiently.

“I’ll collect my stuff and then help you move in.” He gave her an easy smile as he walked out the door and across the back lawn. Jack stood still as a statue. His eyes bored into hers as though he was willing her to do something and do it now.

“I’ll be back.” She dashed out the door in pursuit of Sam.

It didn’t take her that long to catch up with him, despite his long legged stride. She could move when she wanted to, but his eyes widened with surprise when she whipped around in front of him and stood with her hands on her hips to look directly up into his caramel eyes. He smiled down at her and quirked an eyebrow up as though their meeting was an unexpected pleasure.

“This is stupid.” She poked a finger into his broad chest.

“Uh huh.” He crossed his arms over that broad chest and waited.

“We’re both adults.” Frustrated, confused, with no desire to hurt him any further, she placed her hand on him and rubbed her thumb over the area she had just poked. “We can stay in the same house together without … without…”

“Having sex?” His dimple winked as he tried to coax a smile from her.

“No, no. I don’t mean that.” Frustrated, she stalked away, puffed out a breath, and gripped her hair between her fingers, ready to pull it out of her head.

“Oh, we can have sex then?” His casual, banal remark had her storming back to stand toe to toe with him glaring up into his face, exasperation bouncing off her. His grin widened.

“Yes. No. This is not what I’m talking about.”

“Well, Lydia, honey, why don’t you tell me exactly what you are talking about?”

He was so damned maddening standing there with a mile-wide smile on his face, his dimples like craters, and a twinkle in his eye, pretending to be patient and helpful. She huffed a breath out through her nose and stepped in closer, her voice low and accusing.

“You just asked me to marry you.”

All sign of amusement was wiped off his face, and he straightened away from her like she was about to knee him in his privates. His eyes narrowed with annoyance as she felt a flush rise in her face. She’d got his attention now, but it wasn’t quite what she’d expected. Therein lay the problem. You never really knew anyone properly.

“I can’t marry you.” He stood completely still staring at her. She felt pressure in her chest as she looked back at him and realized that he wasn’t going to offer her any help out of this. He was just waiting. Her eyes dropped from his as she raised her hand once more to his chest and spoke quietly.

“I can’t ever marry again, Sam. You’re such a lovely man, and really, I don’t want to give you any false hope. I can’t ever, ever let another man into my life. I need to look after myself and my children, and that’s just the way it is.” Shrugging, she glanced back up at his face. She could feel the prickle of tears behind her eyes, but didn’t think it was obvious enough for him to notice.

“What I meant to say earlier was that I think we can be adult enough for the kids and me to move into your house without it being some kind of commitment for us personally. It’s really just for convenience, so that Mum and Dad can … you know, be with their new granddaughter … and…” Her voice trailed off, her eyes blurred.

With an easy smile, he slung his arm around her shoulder in a close pal kind of way and kissed her roughly on the top of her head.

“You got it, sweetheart. I’ll come by later, pick up your stuff and we’ll get you moved in. No strings, no pressure. I’m sure we can share the same house without really seeing that much of each other. You know me; I’m busy most of the time anyhow.” He gave her one more quick squeeze before he walked loose-limbed toward the stables as though it had been the easiest decision in the world, and she knew in her heart how much he hurt. He’d backed off way too easily, and his dimples hadn’t been anywhere in sight when he had smiled.

She consoled herself with the fact that she would move into his house. She’d laid down the boundaries, but at least she would have an opportunity to soothe him, show him she was grateful. She only hoped her heart could take the pressure of living in the same house with only her kids to run interference.