Loving Lydia (Atlantic Divide) (12 page)

“You’d better, cowboy, or I’m coming to get you.”

He didn’t doubt it.

He needed to think this through. He’d been given a second chance to make it right with Lydia. He simply had to convince her that he’d never intended to hurt her and that he would never have pinned her down if he’d understood what had happened to her.

He still wasn’t convinced about the whole matter of her not liking sex. She sure liked it when he kissed her, she liked being held, and she liked to touch him. If he took it real slow and gentle, he might still be able to convince her that sex wasn’t such a bad idea. First though, he needed to give her some breathing space, and then he had to get her alone, and finally, he had to get her to forgive him.

* * * *

How would he ever forgive her?

She gazed out of her bedroom window. The children had been bathed and put to bed after she’d read them several stories. They were now asleep, and she was alone with her thoughts. Thoughts she’d tried to avoid all day. It wasn’t too difficult when you had two lively children bouncing all over the place and a sister who was obviously in slow labor to distract you. But the children were asleep now, and her sister had gone to the hospital. She’d had an early bath to divert herself and changed into her pajamas. Now, though, there was no escape and the thoughts came crowding in.

It was bad enough she’d reacted the way she had. In fact, she couldn’t blame Sam for the confusion in his eyes when he’d been on top of her on the floor. He’d been so angry, but he hadn’t hurt her, there were no bruises, no tender spots.

There had been no move to cause her any pain. He’d simply restrained her until she stopped thrashing. Her cheeks flamed as she cringed over her behavior. He must have thought she was a lunatic. Some kind of bunny boiler.

She knew he’d been desperate to get her out the door, back to Kate’s and Jack’s house, but she’d gone and burdened him with the whole rape confession. He more than likely didn’t want to know about it. Why would he? He’d obviously been revolted by the entire episode. When she’d seen his blank stare, she thanked God she hadn’t told him everything.

She wrapped her arms around herself and thought how dreadful that would have been. The humiliation of confessing that Greg had beaten her so badly that she’d been hospitalized for a month… That he’d been so drugged up that he’d never realized when she’d stopped fighting, when she’d lay almost comatose beneath his punches and kicks. That she’d almost died. That her sister had raised her children because she wasn’t capable of doing anything for months. That’s why they were so close. That’s why the twins thought of Kate as their second mother.

It may have been Kate’s opinion that she should have told him the whole story, but she knew he wouldn’t have wanted to hear all that. He certainly wouldn’t want to hear the rest of it. It was as much as he could bear when she’d told him she’d been raped. She’d seen the dawning horror in his eyes. Some men couldn’t cope with the thought of a woman being raped. There was still that stigma of “she must have asked for it.” And women blamed themselves.

She hadn’t blamed herself. She’d lived with the consequences, but she didn’t blame herself.

With a heavy sigh, she leaned her forehead against the cool glass of the window, closed her eyes, and listened to the silence.

“Lydia.” She heard his voice, soft and low.

She turned slowly, not sure if he was just a figment of her imagination conjured up by her messed up head. Her eyes met his briefly before they flickered to the children’s closed bedroom door and then back again. She didn’t need a confrontation. Her heartbeat had quickened, and she felt panic start to flood her veins, but if he disturbed her children, she was not going to be happy.

He held up a hand in supplication and stepped into the room. His other hand came up to his lips.

“Sshhh … Lydia. I’m not going to hurt you.”

She was silent as he stepped closer. She blinked slowly for a moment to clear away a fog, and then her left eyebrow shot up. He had to be kidding. What on earth would make him think she was afraid of him? She couldn’t think of a person less likely to want to hurt her. Irritation tainted her voice.

“Of course you’re not going to hurt me. Why in God’s name would you believe I would think that? Come on in and stop…” She fluttered her hand at him. “…creeping around.”

Confusion flickered across his face as he stared at her in silence. What had he expected? For her to cringe away and hug the drapes by the window like some feeble drama queen? She thought he knew her better than that. Quiet and shy she might be, but so far she didn’t think she’d shown any fear of him. He must have an overactive imagination if he thought he’d frightened her last night. Impatient to get it over with, whatever it was, she ground her teeth.

“What do you want?” she challenged. His long, slow smile made her pause.

He crossed over the room and sat on the side of the bed. She stayed where she was by the window and turned to face him, her arms crossed underneath her breasts, her hip shot forward, and her chin jutted out. What did he think he was doing making himself at home like that as though she’d welcomed him into her room? Now he was really starting to annoy her with his handsome face and his wide smile and his cute dimples.

“I came to apologize.” Her jaw relaxed and her teeth stopped grinding, but her stance remained defensive as she eyed him with distrust

“What for?” She had no idea why he would want to apologize. The fault had been entirely hers. She pulled in a breath, held it, waited.

“For how I reacted last night.” She wondered if he’d notice if she leaned back against the window for a moment as her knees went to water and her eyes prickled with the threat of tears.

“I’m not used to being told ‘no’ quite at that point in the proceedings.”

“You were the first to know.” She brought her hand up to her lips and started to chew on her thumb nail.

“No, I think you were.”

“I had no idea until the word was out of my mouth. You ignored it, that’s why I pushed you. I didn’t know you were going to hit the floor. I just wanted you off me.”

“I think I was little preoccupied trying to get my dick out my trousers at the time.” She stood upright and her hand dropped away from her mouth so that she could stab her sharp forefinger at him.

“There’s no need to be crude.”

He stood abruptly and stomped toward her. She stood her ground and waited till they were nose to nose.

“You wake my children, and I’m going to pull your teeth out one by one.”

“I’m not going to wake the kids,” he hissed. “I just wanted to apologize.”

“Well you have. Now go.”

“I’m not finished.” He bared his teeth at her and took a firm hold of her arm. She glared down at his hand and then back into his face, narrowed her eyes, and snarled right back at him.

“Let go of me, buster.” His eyes widened as he dropped her arm.

“You’re not frightened of me.” He sounded surprised. She crossed her arms over her chest and sneered down her nose at him.

“Of course I’m not.”

“I was going to apologize for frightening you last night, but it’s not me that you’re afraid of.”

She knew it, and now that he knew it, weak relief coursed through her. She closed her eyes and felt her shoulders droop. He wrapped his arms gently around her, drawing her in to him, and she felt the heat and comfort of him as she allowed her head to slump onto his chest. Her arms came up to wrap loosely around his waist as she leaned her weight into him.

“Lydia, darling, you just made my knees weak. Let’s just sit a minute.” He shuffled them both backward and pulled her onto his lap as he sat on the bed. They stayed in silence for several minutes; he stroked her hair as she snuggled in and circled her thumb on his chest.

“So, you’re not frightened of me then? Don’t you think you ought to be?”

“No.” She kept her head tucked under his chin so he couldn’t see her hot, red face. “I know with certainty that you would never deliberately hurt me.” She felt his long sigh of relief at her conviction. She hadn’t realized before how important it was to him for her not to be scared.

“What makes you say that? I restrained you last night. I lay on top of you.” It was almost as though he was trying to convince her that he was in the wrong.

“You did. I thought I was going to suffocate. Don’t ever do that to me again!” She moved her head back to look up at him, raised her hand and cupped his cheek, and traced the deep line etched by his dimple. She felt a wave of tenderness as she gazed up into his gentle caramel eyes. He turned his mouth to kiss the palm of her hand and stayed there.

“You had every right to be angry last night. I know that. And you grabbed me, but at no time were you going to hurt me. You had no intention. You just used your strength to stop me from doing something stupid. I panicked so much, I was out of control. I didn’t realize that then, but I’ve had time to think.” She trailed her fingers up to caress his ear. “And now, I believe I truly do owe you an apology. So, I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused you.” He opened his mouth to speak, but she placed her fingers over his lips. “Please, Sam. I’m sorry.”

“Accepted.” His voice was clipped. She’d annoyed him again, but it was important to her that he understood how sorry she was.

She dropped her hand and tried to sit upright.

“I was hoping we could be friends.”

“I can’t do that.” She didn’t understand. She sat there on his knee and he told her they couldn’t be friends.

“Why not? I think it would be better if we were.” She tried to shift away from him to move over and sit on the bed, but his arms tightened to hold her in place. He lifted her chin with one finger and made her meet his eyes.

“Lydia, perhaps I should have told you this earlier. My mistake, but I’m going to rectify that now. I can’t just be friends with you because I’m falling in love with you.” Breath backed up in her throat and she could feel her lips moving to try and deny it, but she couldn’t persuade any sound to come out except a small gasping noise.

“You can’t… I can’t… I don’t think…” He laughed at her. Flustered, she couldn’t get her breath long enough to string her words together.

“Let me up. I need to think.” She struggled out of his arms.

“I prefer it when you can’t think.”

Her pulse hammered and she felt like she was about to work herself up into a lather. She didn’t know whether to laugh or run. She stared at his calm face, his serene eyes.

“Sam, you can’t be serious.”

“As a heart attack.” She was mistaken. His eyes weren’t so serene. They were still as a millpond, but not serene. He was dead serious, and she had no idea what he expected from her.

She huffed at him as she paced away, peered out the window, and threw over her shoulder, “I can’t tell you I love you back.” She didn’t want to hurt him, but she needed to set the record straight.

“I understand.”

Her panicked eyes met his. He didn’t understand. It was impossible.

“Sam, for God’s sake, I don’t like sex.”

His smile was a little crooked. “You like making out. We can improve on that.” She felt her eyes fill with tears. She was so confused and he wasn’t listening. As he walked over to her again, she held her hand out to stop him.

“I’m going to disappoint you. And then I’m going to hurt you.”

A wet tear slid down her cheek, and as his eyes scrutinized her, they hardened.

“Lydia, you’re going to disappoint the hell out of me if you walk away now without giving this a try. Not just disappoint and hurt, but you’re going to break my goddamn heart. Are you strong enough to do that?” Determined, he challenged her head on.

“You’re not listening,” she wailed, her voice getting higher. She gulped and glanced at the closed door to the children’s bedroom. “Can you live without sex?” she whispered.

“Sure.” He grabbed her and pulled her into his arms, wrapped her close, and held her tight. “I have for the last few weeks. I can go a bit longer.” If he thought that was going to make her laugh, he was sadly mistaken. Feeling like a coward, she thought it was better to drop the subject, so she fell silent.

“Come to bed with me.”

“Oh, for God’s sake.”

“You have a dirty little mind, Lydia. I don’t know what you’re thinking about, but I had a terrible night last night, and I want to go to sleep. Jack will call us when there’s news.” He pulled down the covers on the bed, inviting her to slide in. She thought she must have lost her mind as she warily watched him strip off his boots, jeans, and shirt. He left his briefs on and quickly slipped into bed beside her.

She lay stiff as a board next to him.

“Lydia?”

“Mmm?”

“I need to warn you. I pretty much have an erection the whole time I’m around you, and that isn’t going to change anytime soon. So don’t get all snotty with me about it. It just is. Okay?”

She had no idea how to respond to that, so she remained quiet.

“Lydia?”

“Hmmm?”

“I love you.”

“Thank you.”

“Lydia?”

“Yeah.”

“I want you in my arms.” She was there almost before he’d finished speaking. Wrapped around him like a vine, she felt his warm skin pressed against hers. It probably wasn’t fair to him. He sounded like he had difficulty breathing.

“Sam?” She traced one fingernail in small circles in his chest hair. She tucked her head under his.

“Yeah, honey?”

“My tattoo.”

He placed his large hand on top of hers and stopped her stroking motion, and she realized it was probably too much to expect him to put up with her touch.

“…your tattoo?”

“I designed it myself, when I was sixteen. It was part of my art project at school. For my exams. I loved it so much, I had a tattoo made. Each part of it means something to me.”

He never replied, but she heard his slow gulp.

“Lydia?”

“Huh?”

“Go to sleep.”

* * * *

He’d never been woken up before by sharp little fingers as they prodded under his eyelids and pried out his eyeballs. He reached out desperately and took hold of the small hands determined to blind him.