Lyfe Changing (23 page)

18

What do you want from
me?

Derrick

“Good job boys…you keep this
up we can build our own Taj Mahal.” I joked with the fellas. We had
finally completed the necessary expansion of the church and just
needed to add the flooring and paint. We had worked from sun up to
sun down and the outline was finally finished. “You really think we
did a good job boss?” Clay asked looking at the building admiring
the work we did. “Think…I don’t think I know…you guys will be
licensed contractors before your twenty five.” I slapped Clay’s arm
as we headed over to the picnic tables for a breather. “Hey boss
man…” Lil Luther called out to me.

I couldn’t help but smile
at this little joker with his tool belt weighing down his pants.
“When we going to eat…after all this hard work I’m hungry.” We all
laughed at Lil Luther’s bluntness. I just shook my head and
smiled.

“
Well so much for
surprises…some of the church ladies are in the kitchen whipping you
boys up something…go check it out.” “Yeah!” They cheered, and one
after another they raced each other right into the dining area.
“Hey leave some for me you little knuckle heads.” Pastor joked as
he came outside towards me to check out our work. “Well look here…”
He said grinning. “You boys are amazing…there was no way I thought
you guys would be this far ahead so fast.” I swiped my hair back
which was drenched with sweat and came closer to Pastor to get a
better look. “Yeah we got some very skilled workers.” Pastor
Wallace nodded and glanced in my direction. “Derrick I must say I’m
really proud of you…you have been steering clear from any trouble
for some time now and I think you’re doing pretty well.” I was a
little thrown off by Pastor’s admiration, given the multiple slip
ups I had been having but I just nodded and took it. “Thanks
Pastor, I appreciate it.” He nodded with worried eyes. “I just wish
you didn’t look so troubled now and then.” I looked at Pastor
looking at me like he already knew what I was thinking and sighed.
“Pastor I’m fine…I swear.”

I said while digging in the
cooler for a bottled water. “Now don’t go lying on church ground…”
He swatted my back. “You might as well tell me what’s bothering
you…is it about them fools that came over and tried to attack you
the other day…because if it is I know some people round the way who
wouldn’t mind…” I chuckled cutting him off and just shook my head.
“No no…its cool.” “Then what is it?” He asked confused. Not wanting
to go there I looked away from him trying to keep the remaining
fragments of my sanity intact. “Derrick…” Pastor called for my
attention. “I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.” I hung my
head down feeling the overwhelming guilt and anxiety over take me.
The hardest part about struggling with life was admitting to
yourself that you’re struggling with life. I turned my gaze to the
fading sunset coming down over our heads. “Pastor…given the
situation that happened earlier with those clowns I think I might
have to fall back from you guys for a while. I can’t guarantee
those guys won’t come back and hurt the boys or you. I’m just going
to have to handle this on my own. ”

Pastor hung is head down
feeling my defeated spirit. “Derrick…you don’t have to be who you
used to be. You don’t have to be a product of what the streets have
made you but if you choose to…then you’re going to get what they
have to offer you. Do you want that?” He asked. I chuckled at him
not understanding whether he was too naïve or had too much faith.
“There are no choices in this life…dudes like me and all those boys
in there we get what were dealt and make it work for us. We come
out born into the jungle and somewhere along the lines our survival
mode kicks in and its everyman for himself.”

I continued to gaze out
into the sky. I didn’t know why I just kept looking away…away from
my life, my struggles and my difficulties into a place where they
couldn’t touch me…where they didn’t exist and wondered would I ever
make it to that place. “Derrick I’m sorry to tell you but you can’t
fight this fight by yourself…” Pastor sighed. “Some of the trials
and tribulations in life weigh heavy on our hearts but that’s when
God comes in and he fights the battle for us…but you got to let
come in. You have to talk to him. If you do that I promise you will
see a change.”

I chuckled at him wanting
to borrow his perfect world glasses because I wasn’t seeing it.
“God aint trying to hear me Pastor…hell my own grandmother is
getting tired of me.” “Derrick, there was a time where I wasn’t the
person you see before you, that was until I took charge of my life
and decided to let God fight my battles and make away…now if he’ll
do it for me, don’t tell me he can’t do it for you.” Pastor stood
up and placed his hands on my shoulders. “He hears you…he hears you
and he loves…all you have to do is call on him and trust that he’ll
answer…” I looked into this old man’s eyes, they were weary and
tired but one thing stood out from all the rest, they wear full of
faith. I sighed and nodded. “I hear you...” He patted my shoulders
and smiled.

“
Good…now I suggest you go
get a cold spoon.” I looked at him confused. “What? I don’t
understand…”

“
Well Derrick cold spoons
come in handy, whenever you need to eat something… or when you need
to remove hickeys that all over your neck.”

I froze in embarrassment
and avoided all eye contact. “Ummm…what are you talking about?” I
said nonchalantly. Pastor just shook his head. “Maybe you need to
invest in turtle necks…” He said laughing and walking back into the
church. I quickly ran to the nearest window pane and saw numerous
hickeys around my neck and chest.
Dang
, I thought…
I can’t hide nothing anymore.

Destiny

Derrick and I sat on the
couch in his mother’s living room, the day for us had been going a
little more difficult than normal due to Derricks distant thoughts.
He continued to lean back against the couch and let his mind get
lost in space while I tried to occupy my time with the television.
As I flipped through the channels I continued to grow more and more
annoyed by Derrick’s withdrawal from reality. I didn’t understand
why he was in such a bad mood, things had been going great between
us and now he was acting like this. I turned the TV off abruptly
and just looked at him; he acted as if he didn’t even notice my
actions. “Derrick…Derrick!” I yelled. He finally turned his
attention to me looking as if I was bothering him or something. I
was extremely pissed now, knowing I didn’t do anything to deserve
this cold treatment. “If you were going to ignore me…I would have
been better off home.” He rolled his eyes and sighed. “Well if you
are ready to head out nobody’s stopping you…” I scoffed. I couldn’t
believe he was talking to me like this; I fought the urge to smack
him upside the head. I turned and looked at him trying to find an
answer to his behavior. “Derrick what is wrong with you…why are you
acting like this?”

He tilted his head back and
closed his eyes as if he were trying to tune me out from speaking
any further. I just sighed not knowing what else to say to
him.

“
Did those guys from the
church come back…are you scared…because we can go to the police
and…”

“You must be crazy…I have
never been scared of no muthafucka in my life.”

He shot up from the couch
and walked away from me. I didn’t mean to offend him, I was trying
to get some answers concerning his sour mood but he was making it
increasingly difficult. In attempt to still appease the situation I
followed him into the kitchen. He was leaning over the counter
rubbing his forehead as if he were frustrated. I stood by the
doorway and watched him.

“
Derrick I’m sorry….I just
want to help you.”

“
I don’t need your help…I
need you to leave me alone…damn.” He roared. His voice startled me
and I felt uneasy not wanting to endure this cold treatment
anymore. “Derrick something is wrong with you just talk to me.” He
scoffed while looking at me cruelly. “Talk to you…talk to you for
what?” I chuckled in confusion. “I don’t know maybe because that’s
what you do in a relationship you talk…” “Whoa…whoa …relationship?”
He said in shock. “Who in the hell said we are in a relationship?
Did I say that? ” Now I was the one in shock, my face grew cold and
my body was shaking from the whole situation. “What are you
saying?” I began to question him.

“
We’re not in a
relationship? You don’t care about me? What have we been doing
together all this time?”

“
Fucking!...That’s it…This
is a clear cut you get what you need and I get what need
situation…this aint no damn relationship. If you’re all in love or
whatever that’s your probably not mine.”

I couldn’t stop the tears
from stinging my eyes as his verbal attacks wounded me. I was
completely shaking and my voice was dried out causing me not to
talk. I didn’t want to be here anymore…I didn’t want to be around
him anymore. I quickly took my keys and purse and ran out the door.
I could have sworn it was raining the way my tears were falling
from my face drenching my shirt as I hoped into my car. I pulled
off not looking back at that house at all. I was crying so hard my
chest was hurting…I was hurting so bad I couldn’t think, I couldn’t
breathe, I just couldn’t…

I sat in the parking lot of
my building face completely stained with tears. I felt like the
biggest weight was on my chest and it wouldn’t
move
. Why is he doing this to me?
I thought.
Why is he
treating me like this?
I wiped more tears
away from my face. I cared about Derrick, I wanted Derrick more
than anything in the world, but all this time all I was to him was
just some chick he was sleeping with. I never felt so worthless in
my life, I felt like trash, used goods and it made me sick. I
instantly became angry that Derrick had done this to me; I swore to
myself that I was not going to have anything to do with this man
ever again. I put on a brave face and made my way into my building
up the elevator.

I don’t need
him
, I thought.
He
was lucky to have me. He didn’t even deserve all the things I had
done for him.
My mind flashed back to the
nights I made love to Derrick. I never held back with him, I did
any and everything he asked with no hesitation. Although making
love to him had been incredible I now regretted giving myself to
him so freely. I could still feel his arms wrapped around me
tightly as we laid together…that’s when I felt it. I felt another
tear fall down my cheek as I walked out of the elevator. I came
into my condo which was left cold and drafty no longer having the
same sparkle it once had.

There were so many memories
that Derrick and I shared in this place, the thought of him was
bringing back the ache in my chest. This pain was hurting me
something bad and I didn’t know how to make it subside. So I did
the typical girl thing to do when a man has broken your heart. I
ran a hot bath, played some Mary J. Blige, and set
Waiting to Exhale
to play
in my dvd player. I figured if I couldn’t torch all of Derrick’s
shit in flames I could at least watch another woman do it to her
trifling man. I settled in the bath while watching the film in my
soak tub. The steamy water soothed the aches of my body but not my
soul.
Damn bastard,
I sighed in the tub.

I should have known better
huh.
I just shook my head as Mary J began
to go there with me. I grew heavenly annoyed as a knock on the door
interrupted my sulking. I continued to ignore it hoping my
pestering guest would go away but to no avail. I reluctantly drew
myself from my bath, grabbed my robe and answered the door. If that
wasn’t a big mistake I didn’t know what was. Derrick stood there in
my doorway arms barely able to fit through the frames with a sad
puppy dog look on his face. After my shock wore off all I could do
was chuckle. “I’m sorry but I didn’t order any bullshit today but
try next door.” I attempted to slam the door in Derrick’s face but
his foot blocked me. “Destiny I’m sorry…” “Sorry…” I scoffed.
“Derrick you are always sorry but unfortunately I don’t have the
energy to deal with your sorry ass so if you please…”

I attempted to shut the
door on him again but he easily pushed me aside and made his way
in. I stood there and scowled at him having the audacity to be in
my condo without my permission. Derrick looked me in my eyes and
continued to plead with me. “Baby I don’t know why I snapped at you
like that…I didn’t know what that was about.” “You got a lot of
damn nerve you know that?” I stared at him coldly. “How dare you
talk to me like that after everything…” I had to stop myself before
I really lost control. Derrick had no idea how furious he had made
me; I wanted to seriously hurt him. “You know what…this is my
fault. Oh yeah, this is my fault.” I nodded. “I never should have
trusted a deadbeat ass hoodlum...” Derrick’s eyes grew from
pleading to nearly sinister. “So where back at that shit
again?”

I chuckled sarcastically.
“We never left…” I saw the hurt look in his eyes for a moment then
it quickly faded away, but I didn’t care. That little bit of pain
was nothing in comparison to what he had done to me. “Derrick I
can’t do this anymore. I’m serious this time, I’m done. I can’t
deal with this anymore, so I suggest you go find another punching
bag.” Derrick reached up to me and grabbed my arms causing me to
face him. “Destiny I didn’t mean to hurt you…”