Marionette (22 page)

Liddy looked contemplative. “How many people know?”

“About my tattoos? I’ve only told you. Jess was with me when I got them. And the tattoo artist.”

“Very funny, wise guy. I mean about you being gay.” She leaned one elbow on the arm of the chair and adjusted her shirt.

“I’m pretty sure Jess has figured it out.”

“I should hope so, if she’s as smart as I think she is, but you’re hedging.” She waggled her pencil at me.

I sighed. “My friends, Mel and Julia.”

“Are Mel and Julia dating?”

I chuckled over that. “No! Julia is in her fifties, and Mel is only a few years older than me.”

“And you haven’t told your parents, I’m guessing?”

“Correct.”

“What would they say?”

“Say?” I scoffed. “They won’t say anything.” My bitter tone sliced through the air.

“What do you mean by that?” Her quizzical expression annoyed me.

“They would have me locked up.”

“You can’t lock people up for being gay.”

“Uh-huh. You don’t know my father.”

“Trust me, Paige. I wouldn’t let that happen.” She flashed me a stern look.

I crossed my arms. “You don’t know my father.”

“Is that why you tried to kill yourself?”

I laughed angrily. “No. I wouldn’t try to kill myself for
that
. Don’t be ridiculous.” I remembered Karen’s brother and wanted to kick myself. It would have been the perfect explanation, and I hadn’t even thought of that before answering Liddy. Damn!

She laughed heartily. “Well, I’m glad to hear that. Of course, I would like to learn why you did try to kill yourself.” She sounded hopeful, as if she actually expected me to blurt it out. I had finally confessed I was gay, so why not share all?

“So would Jess, but I haven’t told her either.”

Liddy studied me intently. “I think you’ll find I have a lot of patience, Paige. And I’m persistent.”

“Liddy,”—‌using her first name seemed appropriate—‌“I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I’m still trying to piece together all that shit.” I tore a string of cotton off my shirt; it had been bugging me all day.

“Why don’t you start at the beginning, and I can help you piece it together.”

“That’s the problem. I don’t know the beginning. I don’t know
who
I am. I don’t know when it all started. Why? Who the fuck knows? My entire life has been filled with secrets. What happened, and why—‌it all baffles me. I just don’t know. And I don’t know how to figure it out.”

Liddy stood and then kneeled down next to me. At first, I didn’t know why, and then I realized I was crying. No, I was sobbing—‌complete and total floodworks. Snot gushed from my nose. Tears poured out of my eyes as if from a pipe that had no stopper.

I tried to speak. “I-I-I…‌s-s-s-o tired of lies!”

Liddy held me tight. Maybe it was a victory for her: to get me to break down, finally. It’s a cynical thought, I know, but that’s me. Fortunately, Liddy didn’t try to force me to talk. It was useless for me to try anyway. After several minutes, we walked to the café and ordered coffees. The warmth of the liquid as it cascaded down my throat was almost orgasmic. I’ve always hated being cold. Liddy seemed perfectly content to sit in silence and let me gather myself. Besides, she knew that I had promised Jess. I would be back in her office next week, no matter what. Is there a cure for cynicism?

* * *

Later that night, I stood outside a frat house freezing my ass off because I couldn’t stand the scene inside. So many drunks. Images of Alex danced in front of my eyes, taunting me to end it all. Why hadn’t I listened to her that night? If I had, she’d still be alive.

“Paige, have you seen Karen?”

I turned just in time to catch Minnie, who had tripped over a tree root and was about to knock us both to the ground. After righting her, I asked, “No, why?”

“I want to go home.” She swayed. Maybe the tree root hadn’t tripped her after all. Her eyes resembled a field of wet poppies: red, droopy, and glistening.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah…‌I just don’t want to be here anymore.”

Her breath was foul, causing me to turn away.

“Okay. I’ll go find her.” I sat her down on a tree stump. When I turned around, I noticed Karen stroll out with some dude who was in one of my classes. She was just as inebriated as Minnie, if not more. I could see the muscles straining in the guy’s arm and shoulder as he supported her.

“There you are. Audrey and I are ready to go.”

Karen nodded.

“So come on,” I motioned with my hand for her to follow me.

She didn’t budge.

“Come on!” I gestured again and gave an encouraging smile, as if I were calling a puppy.

“But it’s early, I don’t want to go.” She moved her left arm up and squinted one eye to see her watch, in the process whacking the guy in the face and spilling his beer all over him, which caused her to go into paroxysms of laughter.

I hated drunken laughter. It sounded fake.

“Karen, I know it’s early, but both of us are tired.” I gestured to Minnie, so Karen would understand that she was upset. “Come on, now. Let’s go.”

“I can take her home,” said the guy dripping in beer.

“And which home are you referring to?” I asked coldly.

Karen tilted her head to hear his response.

“Karen, come on, let’s go.” Minnie sounded firm, and desperate. She tugged on Karen’s arm ineffectually, since she was still sitting on the stump.

“But—‌”

The guy cut Karen off. “Paige, I promise, I’ll take her home.”

Feeling helpless, I looked at Minnie. She wasn’t going to last much longer before the waterworks hit. Some people are sad drunks.

“Okay, but if you can’t bring her home, call me.” I stared at Karen. “Call me if you need a ride. Okay?” I ensured she made eye contact with me. She nodded, but nothing was getting through to her. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a pen, wishing it were a permanent marker. Then I grabbed his hand and wrote down my number. I wrote it on Karen’s too. She kept giggling and said it tickled. It took a lot, but I managed not to throttle her right then and there for being a dumbass—‌a drunk dumbass.

They sauntered back into the drunken den. Minnie looked apprehensive. “How can we leave her?”

I didn’t have a good feeling about it, I had to admit, nor did I have the strength to drag her back to the dorm room.

“I know the guy. He’s decent.” My words sounded hollow and I could tell they didn’t convince either one of us.

Minnie stood and made her way to the fence. After two failed attempts, I managed to hoist her over with the help of some friendly strangers.

We drove home in silence. When we arrived at our room, Minnie grabbed the phone and headed into Karen’s room, to call her boyfriend, I assumed—‌the cause of her tears. I didn’t bother waiting up, as I had a feeling the phone call would not be quick nor pretty. It was a private matter, and I didn’t want to intrude. Besides, I had to get up early for my first shift at Julia’s. I was not looking forward to joining the rat race. I fell onto my bed.

* * *

The ringing phone interrupted my slumber. I reached for it groggily and toppled out of bed onto the beanbag. “Hello,” I slurred into the wrong end of the receiver. Realizing my mistake, I turned the phone around and heard: “Is this Audrey?”

“No, this is Paige. Audrey can’t come to the phone right now.” I was about to hang up, when a frantic voice shouted, “Wait!”

“Yeah.”

“Do you know Karen?” The voice was male. One I didn’t recognize.

“Yes. Why?” All of my sleepiness lifted.

“Um, she’s at my house, and she needs a ride home. She asked me to call.”

“Is she okay?”

“To be honest, she’s real fucked-up.”

“What do you mean?” I shouted.

Minnie popped her head over her bunk bed. “Is everything okay?”

I waved at her to be silent. “What’s wrong with Karen?” I said to the man on the phone.

“Oh, not what you think. She’s just really drunk.”

I rubbed my forehead, exasperated. “Where do you live?”

He gave me the details and I got up to get dressed.

“Is everything okay?” Minnie sat up in bed and leaned against the wall. I wondered if she felt the room spinning.

“Yeah. That guy didn’t drive Karen home. I’m going to get her.”

“Do you want me to go?”

I didn’t. I envisioned her puking all over my car. “That’s fine. Why don’t you get some rest?”

I bolted out of the room and ran smack into Tom.

“Hey, Paige!” He staggered back and propped himself up against the far wall.

I glanced at my watch. It was 3:30 a.m. “Hi, Tom. What brings you here?”

“Is
Cheers
on?” He looked hopeful

“Don’t think so, and I don’t mean to be rude, but I have to go pick up Karen.” I started to move.

“Wait, I’ll go with you.”

Seriously, I wanted to scream. When I turned to look at him, he looked so sweet, trying to act brave. Where did he think we were going? To rescue her from bandits? Maybe it would help to have a guy to lure Karen with.

The house wasn’t far away. As I pulled up to the curb, I saw a couple walking to a car across the street. Upon further inspection, I realized it was Karen. Darting out of the car, I yelled, “Karen, what in the hell is going on?”

She didn’t answer. Her eyes were so far gone I was surprised she was still on her feet. Then she ripped a fart. The guy with her and I studied each other, neither of us in the mood to laugh. I was seething. It was the guy who had promised to drive her home.

“Paige, let me explain. About an hour ago, I was ready to leave, but when I looked for Karen, I couldn’t find her. I assumed you’d come and got her.”

Karen let out another massive fart. Drunken farts—‌is that really a condition?

“I was in the bathroom,” Karen mumbled.

Drunk shits? Really? No wonder she couldn’t get a boyfriend.

“Then I heard she was still here, so I rushed back.”

“Good, but I’m here now and we live in the same place, so I’ll take her home.” Karen farted again. Jesus, I was tempted just to let the guy drive her home, but he handed her over quickly. The thought of being trapped in the car, even for a short ride, with the fartster made me want to vomit.

After loading her into the backseat, I asked Tom to roll down his window. He looked at me, confused, until another of Karen’s farts announced why. He waved a hand in front of his face and quickly rolled his window down with his free hand.

“Jesus!” Tom sputtered.

Karen passed out in the backseat. I groaned. Great. Now I would have to carry her upstairs.

“Apparently, Karen gets the farts and the shits when she’s really drunk.” I shrugged.

Tom peered over his headrest to get a good look at Karen. “That’s disgusting.” He wrinkled his nose.

I pulled my shirt up over my nose and drove home, fast. I parked in the loading zone so we could get her out of my car quickly and up to her own room. How did Jenna live with her?

Several minutes later, Tom and I stood in my room. He was still quite drunk and I felt bad sending him away after he had helped me carry Karen up three flights of stairs. I told him to stay put so I could park my car.

After twenty minutes, and a fucking cold walk from the other side of campus, I arrived back in my room to find Tom sound asleep in my bed. Too tired to argue, I crawled in next to him—‌not that he noticed. He snored away, and I shook my head. How had I ended up surrounded by a homophobe, a chronic farter, and now a boy? Not exactly how I imagined my life in college.

The next morning, I awoke early. Tom was still in bed with me and I was surprised to find that he was holding me. I wasn’t the cuddling type in bed. His wasn’t a “lover” type embrace; it felt friendly or maybe brotherly, not that I had a brother. It felt safe and comforting rather than exciting.

However, I didn’t have time to ponder what it meant. I hopped out of bed and went straight to the shower. An eight-hour shift awaited me and I would be on my feet the entire time. Why Jess and Julia thought this was a good idea bewildered me. Didn’t they know I had recently tried to slash my wrists? I was delicate. And I wasn’t the chitchat type. Waitressing? Really? Did they even know me?

I left the room, closing the door on Minnie’s and Tom’s sonorous snores. How in the world had I slept through that racket?

I didn’t drive straight to Jess’s. Instead, I made a quick detour to my spot to watch the sunrise. Living so far away limited my chances to go, so I seized the opportunity. Sitting on the cold, wet grass, I studied the changing colors of the sky as the sun peeked over the horizon. Here, I never felt alone.

When I walked into Jess’s apartment, she was busy making breakfast. She danced around the kitchen, flipping bacon, scrambling eggs, whisking pancake batter, and she didn’t look the least overwhelmed. It was like watching a ballet.

Dread overwhelmed me.
Is this how everyone feels the first day on the job?
I picked at my scrambled eggs and poured too much syrup on my pancakes, rendering them inedible.

“Boy, you are not looking forward to this at all, are you?” Jess smiled sheepishly.

“Not really.” I pouted.

“It will be good for you.”

Can I take a moment to say that I hate it when people say that.
Good
for me? How was feeling stressed out and nauseous
good
for me? And what was the big deal about getting a job? My parents would hardly be jumping up and down to discover I had a job as a waitress. A waitress! Being bossed around by strangers serving greasy food. I loved eating at Julia’s diner, but I was not loving the idea of working there. I fiddled with the car keys in my pocket. If I left now, I could still make breakfast in the dorms, see what the gang was up to for the day.

“Hey, Paige, it’ll be okay. I’ll be there the entire time. You need to break out of your bubble and join the real world. You can’t just read about it. You have to experience it.” She looked sincere. And stern.

I tugged on my keys again. Then I remembered that Karen would probably fart all day. Minnie, the homophobic religious nut, would probably drive home to be with her sex-crazed boyfriend. And Tom…‌well he was Tom. I’m not sure what he did besides watch football and
Cheers
.