Mars

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to every single person
with an awful disease and a beautiful, shining soul.
I promise you, everything will be okay.
No matter how hard it is.
You’ll be okay, if not tomorrow, one day.
Don’t lose hope and smile through it all.

1

Love Doesn’t Die

Did you ever even really love me, Ethan?

I think, my heart tightening at the sight of him laughing at something June had said. His eyes twinkle at her, just as they did once, to me. Why wouldn't he love her anyway? Everybody does. She is the epitome of a perfect girl. Beauty, brains, humor; what didn't she have? 

"Amy?" A hand pokes my cheek, breaking my concentration and envy. "Amaryllis?"

My head immediately turns to the owner of the voice, the sound of my full name immediately sparking an annoyance within me. Jenna sits there with a clear look of distaste. Her dark brown eyes pierce through me.

"
What?" 
I snap, watching as she twirls her perfect honey-colored hair around one finger.

She sighs wearily. "You were staring at him again. You're only hurting yourself by doing this, you know?"

I look down to my half-eaten sandwich, feeling ashamed. The muffin I bought suddenly seems ugly and mushy. I push my tray away, keeping my eyes on it.

"You can't keep doing this to yourself," mumbles Jenna, and I can feel her eyes on me. I want to tell her to shut up, to turn away and ignore me, but I can't. She knows how I feel, because a few months ago, I knocked on her door at 4 a.m. in tears. She knows because she stayed up with me that night, rubbing my hair and handing me tissues.

"I know."

 And the conversation ends there. Her boyfriend of five months comes beside her and kisses her cheek.

"Hey, babe," says Ryan, hugging her. She turns from me, a glow appearing on her face. They share a kiss that's movie-worthy. All of a sudden, I feel sick. The half of the hamburger I ate is coming up. I swallow my saliva and stand up, my legs feeling wobbly.

"Amy? Don't go," says Ryan, his arm around Jenna's waist. I give them a small smile and pick up my tray.

"I have to study for the science test," I answer, already walking away, ignoring Jenna's voice calling my name.

Jenna and I both knew that wasn't true, because there 
is

no science test.

I turn for a split second and find that Ethan is listening to June talk about something that captivates all of his attention. She flashes him a bright grin, and he gladly offers it. They share a high-five. And I cringe at the sound the collision their hands must've made.

I walk to my locker, and search it for my iPod. Thinking too much never helps me, which is why I always keep my mind busy, one way or another. Panic rises as I realize that the pockets of my old, teal-colored coat don't have the iPod.

"No, please don't tell me I dropped it," I mumble, looking in my school bag. I know that there's no chance of it being in there because I listened to music that morning and shoved the iPod into my pocket. I keep on looking, even though I know that my iPod isn't there.

Maybe Jenna took it? It happens a lot. I close my locker and take long yet quick steps back to the cafeteria. I want to run, but I see one of the teachers talking to the principal in the hall. Ms. Mathers seems to be flirting her way to another raise with Principal Jenkins.

And apparently, I look at them for too long. I don't have time to avoid bumping into whoever I hit. I look up, my mouth already forming the 
I'm sorry. 
My heartbeat is nonexistent for a few seconds.

A boy with smiling golden eyes looks down at me. His lips are slightly open, looking like he is about to form the same words as me. I can see the dimple on his cheek, the one I liked to see so often, the one spot I liked to poke a lot. There's a small, almost unnoticeable scar on his smooth chin from the time we went roller-skating and he fell on a rock.

"S-sorry, I didn't see you there," I say, my voice barely audible. I start walking away from him. My mind is fuzzy, and I can't seem to think straight. 

A hand grabs my arm, and I freeze. "Wait," he says, but all I think about is how strong his grip is on my arm. I turn to face him, my heart beating loud enough for the world to hear.

He puts something in my hand. I look, and it's my iPod. My eyes go to him again, this time in confusion.

"I found it on the ground, beside your locker," he says, scratching the back of his neck. And I know he only did that because he feels uncomfortable.

I nod. "Thanks, Ethan."

"Anytime, Mars." He walks away.

All I can think about is the fact that he called me by the nickname he created himself, this time of last year. I press the power button to reveal the lock screen on my iPod. My breath gets caught in my throat.

The background is an old picture of us, when we'd just started dating. The picture captures me, laughing, and him smiling at me. Jenna took that picture.

Ethan had changed the background to a picture of us. 

Why, though? Doesn't he know how badly I miss him already? How hard it is for me? Does he miss me? No-he doesn't. So why change my background?

A tear rolls down involuntarily on my cheek, and it splatters on the picture of us.

I close the iPod.