Matters of the Heart (5 page)

‘I don’t know that it is an aspiration, more a desire to travel, to see places I have only read about. The Leaning Tower of Pisa at dawn, following the footsteps of the Egyptians, walking through the sand on a foreign shore or seeing the moon glimmer on the Serpentine. It is but a dream.’

I looked at Robert who was watching me attentively.

‘How did I know you would be different from most young ladies of your position? The majority would aspire to find a husband and raise a family.’

He watched my face as he spoke. How I wished to kiss his strong mouth.

‘Dreams can come true, Janie. Would you wish to share this world adventure with someone?’

The question came quite unexpectedly and I wished with all my heart to answer it adequately. I cast my eyes on the dying embers in the grate and then looked back at Robert.

‘Only with someone who truly loved me, and loved me enough to share my dreams.’

There was a pause for what seemed like a lifetime yet it was only seconds.

Robert bent forward and cupped my face in his hands and gently brushed my lips with his. I wished that moment could have lasted for an eternity but it was gone and I felt a trembling through my whole body and was afraid when I got up that my legs would not hold me. The clock in the hall struck the hour of five, each chime seeming to move us further from that precious moment.

‘I must go,’ I said and realised my voice did not sound the same.

Nothing would be the same again.

‘Yes,’ Robert’s voice came to me as if in a mist. ‘The maid will be in soon to lay the fire.’

So saying, he rose to his feet and helped me to mine. As I walked to the door, I heard him call my name softly.

I turned to look at him, my hand on the doorknob.

‘Trust me,’ he said.

As I opened the door, I knew that a girl had entered two hours before and a woman was leaving, a woman very much in love.

7

I made my way back to my room along the now dark corridor as if in a daze. As I shut my bedroom door behind me, I leaned back on it, savouring again the moment Robert’s lips had briefly touched my own. What joy filled my whole being at the memory then I recalled his words, trust me, and I really believed that I did with all my heart.

It was still dark and, suddenly feeling cold, I lit the lamp on the small table by my chair and bent down to light the fire laid ready in the hearth. As I sat watching the paper alight and listening to the dry crackling as the flame caught the wood, I thought of my mother and how she must have come back to this very room with a heart full of love and longing for my father. The thought of her brought to mind her diaries. This was as good a time as any to read some more.

Swiftly I retrieved the second diary from the chest for I was anxious to know at which moment she had fallen in love. As I skimmed through the pages, the entries were of mundane things, such as visits to a dressmaker, church outings and my mother’s and Aunt Laura’s walks with Andrew and Jason. From what I read, I gathered Mamma and her sister were very close. Then I sat upright in my chair as I read an entry near the end of the diary.

October
,
12
,
1851
.

Today
Laura
and
I
discovered
the
priest’s
hole
quite
by
chance
whilst
dusting
the
doll’s
house
.
It
was
amazing
,
but
Laura
has
sworn
me
to
secrecy
,
why
I
can’t
imagine
.
I
am
longing
to
tell
Mamma
but
will
not
for
I
do
not
want
to
be
the
recipient
of
Laura’s
bad
temper
.
I
just
hope
Miss
Blackstone
does
not
find
out
as
she
has
eyes
which
are
sharp
and
a
tongue
to
match
.

The words jumped up at me and I thought with some dismay of Aunt Laura lying and denying any knowledge of the priest’s hole to Alan Lester only last evening. The question was, should I keep it a secret also or should I tell Grandmother? I would mull it over in my mind and decide what to do. There was no more mention of the priest’s hole so quickly I replaced the diary in the chest and reached for the third one with some excitement. As I leafed through the pages I realised this was more revealing and was what I was seeking.

March
1
,
1852
, I read.

Oh
,
what
a
day
.
My
heart
is
singing
for
he
kissed
me
.
My
first
kiss!
I
swear
I
am
in
love
and
can
hardly
wait
to
see
him
again
,
to
talk
and
laugh
with
him
and
maybe
feel
his
arms
around
me
.

April
5
,
1852
.

Laura
is
jealous
that
I
am
in
love
and
that
I
don’t
spend
much
time
with
her
,
but
she
and
Andrew
appear
to
be
getting
along
well
.
I
earnestly
hope
she
will
find
the
happiness
I
feel
for
I
am
deliriously
happy
.
My
every
waking
moment
and
my
dreams
are
filled
with
thoughts
of
him
.

June
4
,
1852
.

If
this
is
love
,
what
joy
.
I
am
suffused
with
such
fulfilment
I
pray
that
it
will
last
forever
.

June
28
,
1852
.

Laura
told
me
she
and
Andrew
were
walking
out
together
.
She
mentioned
the
priest’s
hole
today
and
hoped
I
hadn’t
told
anyone
.
In
all
honesty
,
I
had
forgotten
about
it
.
Laura
also
said
I
seemed
different
,
not
at
all
the
Felicity
she
knew
.

July
18
,
1852
.

Two
things
of
importance
happened
today
.
Laura
announced
she
is
to
marry
Andrew
Trehaine
in
November
.
She
doesn’t
act
like
a
woman
in
love
.
Today
I
realised
that
I
was
with
child
!
What
are
we
to
do
?
My
beloved
will
know
.

October
20
,
1852
.

Papa
refuses
to
let
me
marry
and
says
I
have
brought
nothing
but
shame
on
the
Pendenna
name
.
I
have
confided
in
Mama
.
She
understands
but
cannot
go
against
Papa
.
What
he
says
is
final
.
Tonight
I
shall
cry
myself
to
sleep
,
if
sleep
will
come
,
for
my
mind
is
in
turmoil
.
Laura
has
no
sympathy
for
the
position
I
find
myself
in
.
It
is
as
if
she
hates
me
.

This was the last entry in the diary and to my surprise there was only one entry in the fourth diary.

November
7
,
1852
.

Today
we
are
to
leave
for
France
.
Granny
Merriock
came
to
the
house
today
and
told
me
not
to
have
anything
more
to
do
with
her
grandson
but
John
is
noble
.
My heart
is
filled
with
sadness
for
I
will
be
leaving
all
that
is
familiar
to
me
and
what
is
worse
,
I
cannot
say
goodbye
to
dearest
Mama
but
I
have
to
be
strong
for
the
child
I
carry
.
All
I
can
wish
for
is
that
Papa
will
change
his
mind
when
the
child
is
born
.
Farewell
.

Tears sprang to my eyes as I imagined my mother’s pain and at that moment I hated the Grandfather I had never known and Granny Merriock, being no more understanding it appeared. What my parents must have gone through for me. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I replenished the fire, leaned back in my chair and drifted into a troubled sleep.

Molly startled me into wakefulness gently shaking my shoulder.

‘Why, miss, what is wrong? Are you ill? And the curtains all drawn back, and it’s hot in here.’

Molly’s anxious face looked down at me and I remembered, as if in a dream, the night’s events and I felt emotions both happy and sad.

It’s all right, Molly. It was the storm that kept me awake,’ I assured her as I bent down to pick up Mama’s diary which had slipped to the floor.

As I got up to place it in the chest, I could see that the rain was pouring down which would prevent me from my much-desired visit to Granny Merriock, but no matter. I had the desire to get ever closer to my mother and would visit the schoolroom instead. Suddenly I remembered Molly’s meeting the previous evening with Jack. So bound up was I in my own thoughts I had forgotten Molly and I realised she did seem especially happy this morning. On asking her how she faired, Molly replied with a sparkle in her eye.

‘It was really good, miss. Jack is a real gentleman, and, miss...’

‘Yes, Molly, go on.’

‘He kissed me.’

Her voice trembled as she spoke and it brought to mind the early hours of the morning in the library and although she would never know it, I knew exactly how she felt and thought how strange it was that we should have gone through the same experience on the same night.