Maybe Baby (25 page)

I tried to speak but the words stuck in my throat. All I could say was his name.

"We'll fix it," Ingrid assured me. "We'll sort everything out."

The next morning, my anger gave way to doubt. I lay in the guest bedroom at Anton and Ingrid's, acutely aware that I couldn't hide there forever. I could hear Anton asking Ingrid if I was going to be okay. She shushed him and said, "I'll talk to her."

I pulled the quilt tighter around me. I missed waking up with Mads. I missed how his long legs always took a little too much space in the bed we shared. If I were at home with him, we'd still be entwined around one anot
her, waking a little, making love, falling asleep again in our cocoon of love and satisfaction. I wanted that now. Damn it! Why did I walk away from him? I should have listened to him. I shouldn't have jumped on that bus. I squeezed my eyes closed and muttered to myself, "You are a stupid woman, Laney Halliwell. A stupid, stupid woman."

I felt around the bed for my phone, but came up em
pty. Maybe it was in my bag. I wasn't even sure where my bag was. When I'd arrived last night in a blind huff, I'd blathered at Ingrid about how I hated men, all men, and how I hated myself even more. And the more I recounted how overdramatic I'd been, the more I cringed. The strained look on Mads's face when he realized I was not going to turn around and cross the distance between us haunted me. I covered my face with my hands and swore.

"
Laney, are you awake?" Ingrid called from the other side of the door.

"
I just woke up," I said, and swiped away my tears with the back of my hand. "Come in."

Ingrid crept in and closed the door.
"Feeling better today?"

I nodded.
"Though I feel a bit stupid, Inge. Can't believe I ran away from him. What's the matter with me?"

She climbed into bed and lay down beside me. It was almost like the old days, when we shared a house in Richmond. On Saturdays, she'd come into my room and we'd whisper about everything and nothing while Anton snored in the next room.
"You're just scared, Laney. But you can't keep running. Sooner or later, you have to stop running away and let people in."

"
I know." I snuggled down into the comforter. "I was afraid he'd tell me he was going to help her again."

"
That's not what was happening, you know."

"
Did you speak to him?"

She nodded.
"He's downstairs."

"
He's here?" My heart lifted. But just as quickly a tiny kernel of doubt opened inside me. "I don't know if that is a good thing."

"
You won't know if you don't talk to him," Ingrid reminded me. She tweaked my nose and smiled. "Sweetie, you can't avoid him forever. You need to talk to him. He's just as torn up about last night as you are."

"
How long has he been here?"

"
He's been downstairs with Anton since last night." She stretched her long, slender arms over her head and then yawned. "He fell asleep on the sofa. I told him to come up to you, but he was pretty sure you wouldn't want to see him."

"
I do want to see him," I said softly. I sat up now.

"
You know, this is how normal relationships work," Ingrid teased. "You fight, you make up, you misunderstand each other. It's not like how it was with you and Niklas."

"
I feel like such a fool."

"
We all do sometimes, honey." She brushed my unruly hair away from my face. "And just remember, he's not your father."

"
I know that."

"
He's not going to abandon you the way your dad did. And he's not Niklas."

"
I know."

"
And you can run here whenever you want, because you know we adore you." Ingrid grinned at me. "But you have a man down there who loves you, and who's afraid you're going to leave him."

"
I'm not going to leave him."

"
Then tell him. He needs to hear it." Ingrid planted a kiss on the crown of my head and then scooted off the bed. "I'm sending him up here. So be prepared."

"
Okay," I said, and then added, "thank you, Inge. You're the best."

"
Of course I am!" She laughed and then winked at me as she left the room.

By the time Mads came upstairs, I'd rehearsed in my head everything I wanted to say to him but when he pushed open the door and stood there, looking for all the world like he was afraid I was walking away, I shoved off the covers and threw myself out of the bed.

He grabbed me in a tight hug and murmured, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," in my ear just as I was saying the same to him.

"
It wasn't what you thought,
elskede
. She's a lawyer—when I bumped into her, I asked her if she would help me deal with the threats from the clinic. That's it. She's going to help me fight them."

We held onto each other.

It was all we could do. All we needed to do.

Closure

T
hat weekend, I had to go to Stockholm to finish moving my belongings out of Niklas's apartment. Mads wasn't so pleased, but he understood there was no point in putting it off. There was unfinished business between Niklas and me, and there was no point in putting it off anymore. Eddy had moved out of her sublet and was together with Andreas again. She asked me if I wanted to stay with them, but I decided to stay in a hotel. It was easier that way. Besides, she said things were still tense between them, and I didn't know if it was a good idea to be caught in the middle. I'd already gone through enough of her numerous break-ups and make-ups with Colin to not want to be in the uncomfortable role of the innocent bystander.

I booked a room at the Clarion Sign. It was downtown and within walking distance of my old apartment on Dalagatan. Stockholm had been blessed (or cursed, d
epending on how you looked at it) with an early snowfall. In a few days it would be Halloween, and already the sidewalks were white with snow. Before I walked to the apartment, I met Eddy at Primafila for coffee. When I arrived, she'd already ordered mugs of black coffee and a small pitcher of warm milk for us. We greeted each other with hugs, and then she teased me for losing weight.

"
Having a new boyfriend must be good for you." She winked at me and laughed.

"
Yeah, it's definitely a good thing," I told her with a grin. "I don't get much sleep, but I'm not complaining."

"When do I get to meet him?"

"Soon," I told her. "He's a good fit for me."

We caught up, laughing about the men in our lives, about the crazy things that had recently happened to us. Then Eddy told me the story of how she won Andreas back from the teenage model. At first, there was a ligh
tness to her tone that made me smile, but as she talked she sounded introspective. The story unfolded about how she'd bumped into him at a friend's fortieth birthday dinner and how Andreas, a little drunk and very despondent, confessed he missed her, and that he was ashamed of himself for leaving her.

"I didn't know what to say," she admitted. "I wanted him back, he wanted me back... it just seemed like we were supposed to be together again."

"And you're okay?"

She nodded, and I realized I hadn't seen Eddy so calm and happy in a long time. I’d missed her so much. I wasn’t used to being away from her for so long. Not when she been a sister to me for so much of my life.

"So no more trying to reconnect with Colin?"

She shook her head.
"That was a moment of madness. There’s nothing left to revive there." Eddy rolled her eyes dramatically. "Whatever there was with Colin… it’s gone. And we both know it now."

"
Sometimes it’s hard to let go."

"
Tell me about it." Eddy sighed. "You know, when we were kids, we used to say we’d never go crazy over men like our mothers. And it happened anyway."

"
At least we know a good thing when we see it," I said and grinned. "You figured out you don’t want to go back to what you had. I figured out who I want to be with."

"
I was worried about you. When you traipsed off to Copenhagen to be with your furniture guy. I was really worried. I just wanted you to be secure."

"
I know. I thought I wanted that too, but I just couldn’t stay with Niklas. Not after I met Mads."

"Andreas and I are a good fit. I think we both had to do a lot of stupid things to realize it, but we're good t
ogether."

"Good,
I'm glad," I told her, and squeezed her hand. I hoped I would be able to say this about Mads and me once this craziness with Ida and Copenhagen Cryo was resolved.

I recounted the story for her—how Mads was being asked to compensate the clinic for loss of income when he'd already registered himself as inactive. I told her about his past involvement with Ida, and how both Mads and I were convinced Trine had told Ida about us. The more I divulged, the more Eddy's eyes widened. By the time I came to the end of the story, she swore and said, "Neither of us can ever have a normal day, can we?"

Later, I walked to the apartment and let myself in. I called out to Niklas. He'd said he would be there and that we needed to talk, but there was no sign of him. I stood in the foyer, waiting for something to happen, for some pang of longing to overwhelm me as I let my fingers trace the dado rail. I had expected some nostalgia, or a pang of longing to return to my old life. But I couldn't feel any trace of me left in the walls of this place. I went into what had been my office. Niklas had left some moving boxes there for me. He'd already packed all of my books. The vintage travel posters I'd hung were now propped against the boxes of books and protected in bubble wrap. My desk had been emptied of all my detritus. The uncoiled paperclips, the scribbled-upon Post-It notes, the packs of Big Red gum and hidden bags of Peanut M&M's—all of it was gone. My office was no longer mine. Niklas had boxed up my life with him, and erased me from this room. I wiped at my tearing eyes with the back of my hand and abandoned the room. In the bedroom, things were much the same. Whatever Eddy hadn't already picked up was in moving boxes and labeled with my name, and the address of my company apartment in Copenhagen.

The only trace of me left in the bedroom was a framed photograph of Niklas and me. The photograph had been taken two summers ago. We were on Gotland, outside
Fröjel Kyrka, a medieval church not far from the village of Klintehamn. We'd gone there for his younger brother's wedding. In the photograph, we were standing in front of the ruins of the old cloisters. Niklas was wearing a dove-gray suit and, at first, he seemed younger and more relaxed. The tightness I'd noticed in photos later in our relationship was nowhere to be seen. I was wearing a silk sundress in a pale shade of rose that reminded me of a dress Mia Farrow wore in The Great Gatsby.

On the surface, we looked content, but my smile di
dn't reach my eyes, and Niklas wasn't quite smiling. I'd looked at that picture every day since we'd framed it and seen it as a barometer of our relationship. Whenever I'd felt lost or confused about my life with Niklas, I'd picked up that photo and told myself that I could be that happy again if I just tried harder. But now I saw that even then, we weren't really in a good place. Neither of us had wanted to admit it.

I checked the closets and drawers. All of my clothes were gone. My jewelry box was packed away in one of the boxes. I should have been relieved that this was the end. But it was difficult closing a chapter on your life when in some ways the ending hadn't really been wri
tten. It didn't matter anymore, though. I'd made my choice. And I was certain it was the right one, even if in the long run it didn't end with Mads.  So I pushed the boxes into the hall and then walked into the living room.

"So you're really not coming back?"

Jesper was standing in the doorway, his hands shoved in the pockets of his KTH hoodie. He scrunched his eyebrows together.

"Jesper, you know it's better this way. Your dad and I... well, I don't know if we will ever be friends after this, but this is what's best for us."

"I made coffee," Jesper said. "Do you want some?"

I nodded and followed him into the kitchen. How odd it was to be a guest in what had once been my home. And Jesper, who'd always seemed so hopeless at taking care of anything, was actually a whiz at the espresso machine Niklas bought, but never learned how to use. He'd a
lready set two cups on the granite kitchen island.

"
It feels weird to be here now," I said to Jesper. "It feels like I never really lived here."

"
Siri said the same thing." Jesper poured the coffee into the cobalt blue coffee cups I’d convinced Niklas to buy during our last vacation in Italy. "She’s over the moon you aren’t here anymore."

"
How are you, though?"

Jesper shrugged. He ducked his head and his fringe of dark hair shaded his eyes.
"I'm okay. It’s… you know Mom is trying to convince Dad to get back together with her, right?"

"
I figured that’s what she wanted all along. I think your dad wants that, too."

"
Laney, he said no to her. He said it was wrong." Jesper shook his hair away from his eyes. "I think he still wants you to come back, even if he’s being a jerk."

Jesper sounded hopeful, but I couldn’t let him think it would change my mind. I didn’t want to go back to that limbo my life had become with Niklas, the perpetual girlfriend playing second fiddle to the ex-wife, waiting for some sign that I was more than just a good lay.
"Jesper, I'm not coming back to your father. I'm in love with someone else. And he loves me."

"
He misses you, though, Laney. I miss you, too."

"
I miss you too, Jesper, but your dad… I think he misses the idea of me. He doesn’t miss me. Not really."

We finished our coffee, and then Jesper carried my boxes downstairs, and he didn't groan or complain or any of the other typical spoiled teenager things he used to do whenever I asked for his help. And when the taxi arrived, he loaded the boxes into the car, then he hugged me and said,
"You were a pretty good stepmom, even if you don’t want to be my stepmom anymore."

And that felt good.

Really good.

The first stop with the taxi was to a DHL service center. I arranged for the boxes to be shipped before any misplaced sentimentality and curiosity could persuade me to open them and rummage through whatever memories they might contain. Then I made a quick stop at Urban Deli in Södermalm and had an after-work drink with my boss. Jens was relieved I was in Stockholm. He needed to talk to me about extending my stay in Copenhagen, he informed me.

"We like the results we're seeing, so we thought you might consider staying there another six months, poss
ibly longer, to see this launch—and another one for the same client—to completion." He fiddled with his glasses as he relayed the information. I'd known Jens long enough to recognize this as a case of nerves.

"What else is going on, Jens?" I kept my voice casual; there was no point in pushing him too much.

"Well, let's put it this way..." Jens took a quick sip of his beer. "We're merging with the Danes, and they want half of us to move to the Copenhagen office. Marius and Johan have already said yes. So that leaves you. And the guys say they don't want to work with another copywriter."

I didn't need to think about it. "
I'm in. I think Copenhagen is beginning to grow on me. Besides, I don't really have a reason to stay in Stockholm anymore."

Jens nodded and flagged down the waitress for a r
efill. "I heard about that through the office grapevine."

"Word does travel, doesn't it?" I laughed. "It's fine. It would have happened sooner or later. I think we'd a
lready pretty much come to the end of the road, but we just weren't admitting it."

Jens grinned at me. "So... does that mean we can go back to our friends with benefits status? I miss hanging out with you."

"Jens, you have a girlfriend, so no, we aren't going back to the way things are. And... I met someone else already."

"Ah... you fell for one of those lug heads in Denmark, then. Happens to everyone. Must be something in the water." Jens stretched and then shrugged. "Anyway, I was just kidding. I already heard about your guy in C
openhagen from Marius and Johan.  I knew it was only a matter of time before you outgrew Niklas."

"Now how could you tell that?"

"The two of you at our Christmas party last year. You didn't sit together, you barely looked at one another. And he treated you like an afterthought."

"I never knew you were so observant, Jens."

"You and I messed around long enough before he came in the picture. I think I know you pretty well. Or at least, I know the old you."

"We had fun together," I said lightly as the waitress plonked down a fresh glass of Chardonnay for me. "I think you'd like Mads, though. He's more... down to the earth than Niklas."

"Bring him to the Christmas party this year, and we'll see."

Later, I returned to my hotel, tired and wanting to soak in the bath with a good book before crawling into bed. Before I could make it to the elevators, I heard someone call my name. Niklas was standing by the reception desk. He lifted his hand in greeting. Though he was dressed impeccably, as he always did, his attire didn't impart the confidence he usually exuded. Instead, he looked uncertain. His smile wavered as I approached. Maybe he was rethinking his decision to show up. Maybe he was trying to figure out what to say. Neither of us really knew what the protocol for former lovers and greetings was. We ended up doing that awkward nod I'd always scoffed at when I saw others do it.

"I've already picked up the rest of my things from the apartment," I said and held out the keys to him. "So I should return these to you now."

"Laney, wait, couldn't we sit down and talk?"

I wasn't sure what we could say to one another but at least we would be able to end things properly. But the lobby bar felt too public and the restaurant was too crowded. "Let's go around the corner," I suggested. "There's a restaurant there called Cloud Nine."