Me (8 page)

It was a mistake—a huge mistake. That record executive—and he will surely recognize himself when he reads this—took advantage of my ignorance and gave me a deal that offered me something like one cent of royalties for every record sold. Robbery! Today I think about it and I have to laugh at how absurd it was. But aside from this minor contractual detail, the album was the start of something phenomenal for me—something that I had been preparing for my entire life. I’d known I wanted to be an artist since I was six years old, because when I took hold of that spoon and sang for my aunts and uncles, I felt in my soul that it was the right thing to do. All of the hard work and passion I had exerted was finally now starting to come to fruition, and music came back to my life powerfully and definitively.

Of course, it would have been great if the Sony Music executive had appeared at the exact time I finished shooting the film. But such is life, and things never happen exactly when we want them to; things always seem to happen all at once! This can significantly complicate things, but I honestly believe that if we sit around waiting for opportunities to show up at the perfect moment, we’ll never get anywhere in life. Life is complex, and that is how we’ve got to face it. That’s how
Ricky Martin
, my first solo album, was recorded while I was still filming episodes of
Alcanzar a una estrella II
. I was working around the clock—but I was incredibly excited about everything that lay ahead. The day to day was challenging, but if I’d learned anything during my time in New York, it was that I could never lose sight of my big-picture goals. Thanks to the time I had given myself to think and rest, I was ready the day that destiny came knocking on my door. Deep inside I was finally sure of what I wanted to do: I wanted to be onstage.

The album was released in 1991, shortly after I returned from my tour with Muñecos de Papel. It was a huge success. One of the singles that appeared on that album was
“Fuego Contra Fuego”
(“Fire versus Fire”), for which I received gold records in Mexico, Argentina, Puerto Rico, and the United States. Receiving an award (never mind many of them) is a very exciting accomplishment, but what I loved most about that record was that it gave me the chance to get back onstage and do a tour through Latin America, where once again I came face-to-face with my audience. I was performing live and watching my audience sing and dance along to my music. It was an indescribable feeling, almost like coming home. I felt I was exactly where I was supposed to be, as if I had finally found my place in the world.

EVEN THOUGH MY professional life was flowing wonderfully, the truth is that I quickly dove back into working like crazy, without stopping or ever having time for anything else. So my mother came to support me while I went through it all. My mother loves Mexico, and the time we spent there together was very special—I was no longer the boy who had returned to Puerto Rico after being an international celebrity, and I was in a more mature place in my life to have a solid relationship with her.

I know many people with incredible mothers say the same thing—but my mother is an extraordinary woman to whom I owe a lot. Not only for the obvious things like raising me, taking care of me, keeping me company, but also because she has always been a great source of support and inspiration in my life. For example, in large part it’s due to my mother that I have a great passion for music, in particular salsa, merengue, the boleros, los trios. . . . She is a devoted music enthusiast and she always had hundreds and hundreds of albums at home. And while my brothers and I spent our time listening to classic rock, she would interrupt us to make us listen to some music from our island. In fact, she once took us to a Fania All-Stars concert, something for which I am beyond grateful! Even though she didn’t necessarily convert me to Latin music back then, later on these influences would have a profound effect on my career. When we lived in Mexico, she would always bring me CDs of artists, such as Fania, Celia Cruz, El Gran Combo, and Gilberto Santarosa, and slowly but surely it was through those recordings and all the way from Mexico that I began to appreciate the richness of my island’s culture. All thanks to my mother.

There were still a few years before the renowned Latin Boom would emerge in music, the phenomenon that propelled my career, but the seeds of what was coming had already been planted. However, just as my professional life was gradually taking direction, my love life was in total flux. Ever since I had left Menudo, I had shared experiences with both men and women, none of which lasted long enough to even be considered a relationship. Shortly after I’d arrived in Mexico—while I was working on the play—I met a wonderful woman who was the host of a very successful television show, and from the moment I saw her I was attracted to her. Apart from being one of the most beautiful women I have ever met—tall, blond, and as elegant as a first lady, with the style, poise, and class of someone like Coco Chanel and the beauty and sensuality of a Brigitte Bardot—she is a brilliant woman, sweet and caring. We quickly started dating, and she soon became my partner, my friend, my everything. What we had was something magical, and I would have sculpted a throne for her, because to me she was the perfect woman. I loved feeling her body against mine and her hair as it caressed my chest while she was totally disconnected, in her own world, our world. She loved me, and I loved her, and we had many moments of complete and total union. She was an incredible woman. Actually, the perfect woman.

But like most boys of that age, I was not ready to be with the perfect woman. I was too immature. That, along with the thousands of issues that swirled around in my mind, made me unable to commit to her or even to myself. She could have been the love of my life, but in that moment I felt I had more experimenting and living to do. Or at least that’s how I justified it to myself when we were no longer together.

After we broke up I spent a couple of years acting like the typical alpha male, a total ladies’ man. I was young and famous, I was an artist, and I made it my business to go out with every woman who crossed my path. It didn’t matter if she was single, married, widowed, or divorced. What I wanted was to have a good time and live to the fullest. I wanted to get to know myself and give myself the chance to try new things. I don’t know if at the time I wanted to prove something to the world, or to myself, or if I was simply allowing the situation to flow with all the fury and euphoria of adolescence. During those years I also had some experiences with men—part of my experimentation—but they were never relationships that lasted or marked my life in any way. They were fun, exciting, and I enjoyed myself immensely, but in the aftermath they always left me feeling guilty, so I decided I didn’t want to think about them. I did not allow myself to analyze or assess whatever was going on inside. I was living through so much and having so much fun that I focused more on
feeling
and less on
thinking
.

I was in the middle of this whirlwind of relationships when I fell into the grips of passion with a marvelous woman who was intense, sensuous, and also forbidden.

She was the complete antithesis of the first woman I mentioned, but just as strong, with a lot of personality and confidence, with a very unique perspective on life. Everything about her seemed larger than life—she was a mega-woman. The thing is, I didn’t just like her a lot; this woman drove me
crazy
. In a matter of days she turned me into mush: She lit up my soul and turned me inside out. She was like a poison that awoke the animal in me. The attraction, desire, and physical passion I felt for her tore me up in every way. Physical chemistry overload. The smell of her body was completely addictive and her skin, sweat, tongue, her excitement, the way she moved, the way we both moved together . . . The whole thing drove me insane. She hated her breasts, but they made me crazy. I loved looking at her body; it was like a painting that I could describe to the last detail. Her legs and the little toes on her feet lit me up. I wanted to devour them—and I always did. I was obsessed with and fascinated by everything about her. She was simply incredible. The time we spent together was like a roller coaster; she awoke a rebellious streak in me, a craziness, and a spontaneity that opened me and liberated me, and to this day I feel that it was one of the most electrifying relationships I have ever been in.

I was so obsessed with her that I allowed myself to entertain all kinds of dreams and illusions about a future together. But sooner or later, I would come back to reality and ask myself, “Come on, don’t you see that you are just a toy for her to play with? Enjoy it while it lasts!”

The fact that she was married—although at the time she was separated—was of course a source of constant pain for me, but I think it was also part of what attracted me so much. Forbidden attraction makes things more exciting. And she was both dangerous and a forbidden woman, which made the whole thing even more irresistible. But despite how much I loved her—and maybe because of it—she broke my heart. One day when she picked up the phone and heard my voice, she said, “Oh, Gabriel, I have a headache right now; I’ll call you when I wake up.”

This response was like a bucket of ice thrown in my face. Pretending I was Gabriel, her assistant, meant that she was sleeping where she was supposed to be sleeping—with her husband. In that instant I told myself, “This has gone to shit.” I hung up the phone without saying a word and just sat there. Freezing. I was so hurt. I was living through a moment that I had known would come, or to put it in the words of the great Gabriel García Márquez, it had been “the chronicle of a death foretold.”

I will not deny that it took a while to get her out of my mind. Despite the damage she did, all I could do was think about her. Sometimes I even waited for her at the entrance of the theater where she worked, just to see her for an instant. I did it in a way so that she couldn’t see me, of course. I mean, if we must lose our dignity, no need to lose it completely, right?

But no matter how much pain one can feel and no matter how much hardship one may have to endure, life always goes on. There is a Persian saying, “This too shall pass,” and it could not be more true.

SHORTLY THEREAFTER I got a call from my agent telling me that NBC wanted me to move to Los Angeles to act on a TV show. Even though Mexico had brought me many extraordinary things, and to this day I have many friends there whom I adore, I think I was ready for a change. The prospect of moving to Los Angeles came at the perfect time. I had been in Mexico for almost five years. A lifetime for someone like me who had been on the road almost constantly.

The first show I appeared on for American television was called
Getting By.
Sadly, the show was quickly canceled, but I did not have much time to worry because I would soon discover that I had once again chosen the right path. When that show was canceled, I was free in Los Angeles. What could be better for a young artist wanting to get ahead in show business? I didn’t have to wait very long, because one day my agent called and said that the executive producer of
General Hospital
wanted to meet me.

The irony is that it was not through my role on
Getting By
that she discovered me, but because she had attended one of my concerts and loved it. Once again, music was opening the door to a world I was not even looking for.

In the United States, unlike in Latin America, soap operas last for years until one day they stop getting good ratings and are canceled. While in Latin America the soaps go on for a few months—a year at the most—in the States they can go on almost forever, and often tell the story of several generations within the same family.
General Hospital
is one such program that has lasted for years, and it is one of the most popular soap operas in the United States, undoubtedly one of the most famous. I was shocked when they called me, not only because it was a great opportunity, but also because it seemed like they had already decided to hire me. They had me read a few pages of a script in front of various ABC executives, but it was just a formality, so that later no one could say I hadn’t auditioned. A few hours later, I officially joined the cast.

I was given the role of Miguel Morez, a singer who ran a bar during the week and on the weekends spent his time singing. I played the part for two and a half years, and during that time I learned a lot about what it takes to be an actor. But the part on
General Hospital
did not come without its fair share of challenges. I joined the show because I honestly wanted to break into the acting world in Hollywood. At that time, I believed I wanted to be an actor, and although my role on
General Hospital
could have been a great gateway, I never felt entirely comfortable during the time I was on the show.

When I look back, maybe it was just that I was on another soap opera, but most of the time I felt the work I was doing there just wasn’t for me. I didn’t feel that I jelled well with the rest of the cast, and there were many times when I felt misunderstood, insecure, as if I would somehow never be able to fit into that world.

The fact that I was treated as a foreigner also did not help. I had already traveled around the world three times by the time I’d arrived in Los Angeles, and everywhere I went people would tell me they loved my accent. But when I got to L.A., I started to feel that my accent was horrible. People told me I should take a class to reduce it, or would comment on how strangely I pronounced this or that word. Whatever they would tell me I am certain their intentions were not bad, but even so I felt insulted. Excluded. Different. Maybe back then it wasn’t as common as it is today to have Hispanic actors on TV, and people were not used to seeing people who weren’t like them. I don’t know, but it was a very unpleasant feeling for me.

Besides feeling uncomfortable with my work situation, there were all kinds of other things that were messing with my head. It was around that time that the universe put another great love in my path—one of those loves in which you immerse your entire body and soul, and this time it was a man, for whom I almost gave it all up.