Memo: Marry Me? (9 page)

Zach gave a tight nod. ‘Go on.’

Lily drew a deep breath. ‘I’ve learned some patterns of things I’ll regularly forget, and worked out ways to counteract the problem with those things. I leave a “memory trail”. A notebook beside my bed at night. Other reminders are posted all over my apartment, and I employ the same style of reminders at work.’

Lily hated having to talk about this, and old resentments flared up, too, against her parents and Richard. She pushed them down again, and went on. ‘I write down as much as I can manage so it’s there if I need it, but inevitably, no matter how hard I try, I slip up sometimes.’

‘This is why you didn’t want to work for me initially, and why you wanted me to accept Deborah in your place once you’d sorted things out for me a bit.’ He stopped and raked a hand through his hair, and that awful, pitying glance was back on his face again. ‘And it’s why you’re trying to push Deborah onto me again now.’

He continued. ‘In terms of your work commitments to me, Lily, this changes nothing. I still need you as my secretary, in that chair every morning taking care of the workload. I need it now more than ever, as it happens.’

‘Deborah will be a much better choice for you — ’

He swore — a soft, sharp, eloquent word. ‘Deborah doesn’t know her way around the office, isn’t familiar with it, with me and with my expectations and way of working. You’re familiar with those things, Lily. Those things are locked into your head just fine.’

As though he expected her to argue the point, he held up a hand. ‘We’re already busy, and another project came to a head last night. It’s a major deal. I need to look into it personally, and I need you with me while I do it. You, Lily. Not some clueless stranger.’

A part of her reached for the reprieve from leaving him — oh, foolish part that it was. If he needed her, couldn’t she gain satisfaction from continuing to help him?

Before she could stop herself, she asked, ‘What project, exactly?’ Her hands shook as she opened her notebook and poised the pencil over it. Her gaze roved features that had become indelibly familiar, and far too dear. ‘I’m just asking about the project. It doesn’t mean I’ll stay on, or have anything to do with it.’

His jaw clamped, but after a moment he took a folder from the briefcase that rested at his side. ‘The project relates to a cartel of factory owners. They’re looking for a financial partner to assist with a major expansion into the worldwide market. I had a brief phone conference with several of the head people about the idea a few months ago. Now they’re ready to move on it, and I know I have to act quickly if I want in.’

He flipped the folder open to reveal a number of faxed pages, some with pictures of buildings on them. ‘These are organics producers and their associated factories and farms. They deal in flours, nuts and grains mostly. There’s also a confectionery factory.’

‘They contacted you at home last night?’ She guessed it from the different grade of fax paper in the folder, and from the fact that he had said nothing of it to her until now.

Then she reminded herself she couldn’t be sure of that, and reached for her notebook to check back through the pages.

‘This is the first you’ve heard of it.’ He made the statement with that gentle tone in his voice again, and pushed the folder across the desk. As though it was nothing out of the ordinary to help her decide whether her memory had betrayed her or not.

She didn’t know how to respond to that, and finally settled on, ‘Okay. Thank you.’ To take her mind off that awkward feeling, she opened the folder and began to study the contents, only to feel compelled to look up again when she felt his gaze on her.

In his expression she caught a glimpse of some deep, banked emotion, before he blinked and looked away. Pity. It must have been pity.

Yet it hadn’t looked quite like that. ‘The factories are all really rural,’ she observed. ‘On farms and at the edges of small townships, by the looks of this.’

‘Yes.’ He leaned forward. ‘What do you think are the chances of the project being viable?’

Perhaps it was the fact that his voice turned to one of challenge, as though he really wanted to hear her opinion. Or maybe she just wanted to prove herself, now that he knew her limitations.

She didn’t know, but, despite herself, she said with conviction, ‘I know you’d definitely be interested in this. From what’s here, I think you could make money out of it.’

‘That was my feeling, too.’ He sat back in his chair. ‘We need to leave later this morning to start our tour of the group of small farms and factories. We won’t get back to Sydney until the weekend.’

And this was crunch point. Did she agree, or not agree? On the one hand, she would have him to herself for days out in the countryside, away from the demands of the office. She could bank up some memories, the kind that wouldn’t leave her, but they would be of a boss-and-secretary nature. He felt nothing else for her now.

‘We go to five different places.’ He named each place, and flipped out a map that revealed the spread of the properties across parts of Victoria and New South Wales.

When he pointed to the final destination, she gave an involuntary start.
Albury-Wodonga.

Actually, he said the factory was situated forty kilometres from the twin towns, and that their rental accommodation was set on a rural property not far from the factory. So it wasn’t as if there would be any likelihood of Lily meeting up with her parents or Richard.

Zach gave her a frowning glance. ‘Is there a problem?’

‘No. It was just a random thought.’ She drew a deep breath. ‘I’d like to help you, Zach…’

‘But you won’t?’ Before she could point out that she had been about to say she would do the work, his voice sharpened and his gaze hardened. ‘I acknowledge things have changed, that they can never be the same between us now. But I didn’t think you’d desert the ship when you have an obligation to stay with it. I thought you were stronger than that.’

Shock widened her eyes. So many emotions fought for space inside her that she felt quite faint. She had been a lot of things in the face of the damage to her memory, but, until now, no one had suggested weak was one of them.

‘You thought I was stronger?’ Her spine straightened, her chin pushed forward. She would
show
him that she was the opposite of weak, damn him. ‘And I thought you were more intuitive than you apparently are, because you’ve missed what I was about to say completely.

‘I
am
strong, Zach. I’m stronger than you’ll ever imagine or know.’ She bared her teeth in the semblance of a smile. ‘You want me to work with you on this project? I’ll do it. In fact, I’ll work out the entire contract without a single complaint, just as you’ve wanted from the start!’

He had just better not blame her when he started to regret that she was still in his employ. ‘Now, when do we leave for this trip?’

A
PART
of Zach wanted to treat Lily like the most fragile glass. To wrap her in cotton wool and carry her gently, so nothing could threaten even the least harm to her.

At first, Lily had been prickly and defensive after their talk at the coffee shop. It had taken hard work to see her relax again in his company.

And, all the while, his desire for her continued to torment him. He had thought the change in his knowledge of her had somehow ended her interest in him. The last day and a half had disproved that. She still wanted him, but was fighting to hide it.

Zach was tired of fighting the forces that drew him to her. His physical interest had developed into something so much more. He admired Lily more and more. He wanted to
show
her, in the best and most truthful way he knew how, just how special she was, even if he couldn’t follow through with a long-term commitment. Maybe it was madness. He only knew he ached for her.

Lily examined the mass of licorice mixture in a vat at the final factory on their tour agenda. Zach watched her slender hands move as she tested the weight of the vat, and wanted to feel them caressing his chest, touching his face.

‘It’s heavy, isn’t it? And that’s just one small batch.’ The owner grinned as they moved away.

‘Let’s take a look around, shall we?’ Zach addressed his request to the owner, and Lily drew notebook and pencil from her bag.

The factory thrived in a concrete building with a large, built-on, hewn-log restaurant with windows overlooking a nearby creek. They moved from the receiving room to view the section of the factory where the flour was milled.

‘It’s a fully organic process from the day the wheat is planted to the day it ends up as flour here. We supply our flour to health food stores all over Australia. We also use it in our licorice, and in the cakes and some of the other products sold in the restaurant.’ The owner showed them a handful of the grains.

Zach nodded, and hoped he looked more intelligent than he felt. Most of his brain space was taken up with noticing every move Lily made. She stepped closer to examine the wheat, and their arms brushed. Zach didn’t quite manage to suppress a soft groan. Her gaze whipped to his and clung and, for once, the full strength of her desire for him shone through.

‘I hadn’t realised that flour was a key ingredient in licorice.’ Lily looked at him, and confusion and questions shone in her eyes. Questions about
them
, not about this factory.

They continued their tour, and examined the tumbling machines that applied the many coats of fine chocolate to the licorice, before moving on to view the large restaurant kitchen. Lily continued to ask questions and take notes, but Zach caught the slight breathlessness in her voice and reacted, because he was under the same spell.

Later, as Zach examined a long conveyor belt used for cooling the confection items in the factory proper, he heard Lily’s name called in a questioning tone.

‘Lily Kellaway? It
is
you. I could have sworn your mother said you were out of the country.’A woman broke away from the group making their way past. ‘Don’t tell me you’ve moved back to Albury?’

‘Hello, um, Michelle.’ Lily took the woman’s arm and drew her away, and the factory owner drew Zach’s attention with a complicated rundown of the batch flow they managed on each of the different days in the confectionery part of the factory.

Zach tried to take in the facts and figures. He heard no more of Lily’s conversation, but was aware of her every second until she joined him again.

When she did, he glanced at her strained face and, without thinking about it, wrapped his arm around her shoulders and hugged her against his side. ‘Are you okay?’

She looked up as he bent down to ask the question. His words landed a breath away from her lips. His train of thought disintegrated. She seemed to lose track, too, her gaze fixed on his mouth. The owner had walked on ahead and they were momentarily alone.

Zach forced himself to release her, but stayed by her side, unable and unwilling to take even a few steps away from her. That single moment of vulnerability on her part, even though she hadn’t explained it, added to so many others to unlock something inside Zach at last.

Feelings welled up in him that he couldn’t explain, or even define, except to know that he wanted her to believe in herself, to regain her shaken confidence. His previous determination to be cautious towards her fled in the face of these feelings.

At the end of the tour, Zach left Lily browsing the gift shop and drew the owner aside.

Even as he walked away from Lily, his connection to her remained. He fixed his gaze on the owner, so he could impart the good news of his decision. ‘As the last on the list, and the cartel’s chosen leader, I know you’ve been on tenterhooks. I won’t keep you waiting any longer. I’m happy with the figures provided by your accountant, and I’m more than impressed with all the factories, yours included. You’ll receive my written offer within the next few days.’

The owner gave a whoop and pumped Zach’s hand as he thanked him. Zach nodded, and excused himself so the man could go share his news. And, before he went back to Lily, he pondered. Why had she not mentioned that her family lived so close by? Surely she would want a chance to see them during her stay here? They rarely got together…

On impulse, he pulled out his cell phone. A call to the phone’s information service, and another quick one, and he tucked the phone away and strode purposefully to join Lily as she laid claim to a bag bulging with goodies from the gift shop.

Outside, Zach handed Lily into the rental car in silence. It was that or snatch her close there and then and kiss her to oblivion.

‘It was a good tour, the best factory of the bunch.’ Her words were soft, and somehow hesitant, but also held that breathlessness that Zach felt inside himself.

‘I told him I’ll buy in.’ One glance at her was nowhere near enough. He forced his gaze back to the road, but couldn’t hold back any longer. ‘I still want to make love to you, Lily. If you gave me the slightest sign that you were willing, I would follow through on that right now.’

Did Zach have any idea what he was saying? How it tempted Lily? She had wanted memories from this trip. Now Zach was letting her know that her condition
didn’t
stop his desire for her. He wanted her even so. She must have been mistaken about his reaction at the coffee shop! Or perhaps he had just needed some time to adjust to the knowledge.

She gave way to the longing to be accepted just as she was. And she knew she would take this chance while she could. A chance to make love with him, just once, while they both wanted it, while they were here in the heart of the countryside. A time out of time. ‘Then I’m giving you a sign, Zach. Please make love to me.’

‘I will.’ He pledged it, all other thoughts buried beneath this need.

Silence licked around them in tendrils of expectant heat as he drove them towards the secluded Manor House Restaurant Inn set on private acreage a few kilometres beyond the tiny town.

When they stopped in the parking lot beside the restored inn, with its gabled roof, sweeping verandas and high, mullioned windows, the blue of Lily’s eyes had darkened almost to indigo. She fumbled with the catch of her door, but her words were steady and determined when she spoke. ‘Let’s go inside.’

He checked them in quickly. They climbed the carved-wood staircase in silence. His heart raced when she moved unerringly to the door allocated to her, opened it with a trembling hand and pushed it wide.

In a heartbeat, he had shoved their luggage inside, freed his hands, and backed her into the room. He closed and locked the door behind them.

‘Lily. Beautiful, wonderful Lily.’ He kissed the side of her face, the shell of her ear, and revelled in the shudder that coursed through her.

‘You’re a very special woman. I want to show you how much I mean that.’ He kissed her so long and so deeply that he almost lost himself. When he finally drew back, they were both panting, trembling.

Her arms snaked upward to twine around his neck.

Zach drew a ragged breath. ‘I want to hold you as close to me as I can. I want to touch you and explore you and learn you.’

She moaned and closed her eyes. Outside, an owl hooted. The country sound gave this moment a feeling of being something out of reality. Zach pushed the thought aside. How could this be any more real?

When her hands reached for the buttons of his shirt, he held her gaze and felt the blaze of heat as her fingers worked to bare his chest. He shrugged the shirt away and clenched his teeth as she touched him, then leaned forward to press her mouth against his hot skin.

‘You’re going to kill me.’ It seemed perfectly natural to tell her so. And equally right to draw her knit shirt from the waistband of her jeans and tug it over her head.

The freckles didn’t go beyond her shoulders. The skin below was creamy white, soft and fragrant. With a deep groan, he buried his face in her neck, then after a moment dipped his head to trace the cleft between her breasts with his lips.

‘I need you.’ He could barely manage to say even that much. His hands tightened on her shoulders, stroked upward and into her hair.

She moved her hands across his back. ‘I need you, too.’

‘Give me your mouth. Please.’ A harsh command, a begging request. Then he simply swooped, his heart hammering, every thought focussed on having her, giving to her, bringing them together.

Her lips melded to his in a fit so lush, so perfect, his entire body thrummed. His heart beat fiercely, and a well of something deep and agonising rose up.

She’s the only one who can answer this feeling. The only one…

‘Come to bed with me.’ Her soft words wrapped around him, warmed him with sensual promise as her gaze met his, her eyes shimmering with unspoken feelings. ‘Let’s not think. Let’s just be together.’

Zach breathed her name as he joined her on the bed. His arms found their way naturally around her as though they, and his body, had been made for this, for holding her, for being with her.

Yet her words stayed with him — because he
wasn’t
thinking, was instead reacting fully with his senses, and what if that wasn’t the right thing to do? What if Lily somehow expected more from him than that?

The thoughts came then, reminders of Lily’s unwillingness to be intimate without commitment. He had started this for good reasons, but those reasons would not be enough for her later.

She stroked her hands across his back and shoulders, and onto his chest. ‘Hold me, Zach. Just…hold me.’

‘Yes.’ He told himself this was fine, but, try as he might, he couldn’t ignore those internal warnings. He wanted to, but he couldn’t. Because he couldn’t share in the emotional commitment that should be part of it.

Lily deserved all that and nothing less.

His arms stiffened as he confronted what he was doing far too late, where it would lead them, and the hurt that would follow if he let this happen.

This would hurt her anyway, and he tried to soften his words as he forced his arms to let her go. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have started this. I wanted to ignore what I know of you, but it is part of you.’ It wasn’t wrong for her to want commitment in an intimate relationship. It was right. But Zach couldn’t give her that. ‘The way you are won’t change, and unfortunately I can’t, either…’

His words petered out, stilled by the look of deep hurt in her eyes. With her lips pressed together and her eyes forced wide, as though if she let them relax they would reveal far too much, she shifted away from him and climbed from the bed.

‘We got carried away. It was just desire.’ She moved into the sitting room, drew a wrap from her travel bag, and slipped her arms into it. ‘I wish I hadn’t let things get this far, either!’

He silently dressed too. ‘I can’t give you what you need, Lily.’ How he wished it was different. ‘The depth of commitment and time someone like you would have to have.’
A woman made for loving and being loved in return.

She gave a shrug that cut right to his heart. ‘Caring about me would be too high-maintenance for you. I get it.’

Her words held a tremble that made him want to kick himself all the way back to Sydney, and keep on kicking. Disappointment and hurt still lurked in her eyes.

All he could do was stay silent, because he
couldn’t
maintain a relationship with her. His commitment to his family would tear it down, just as had happened once before. ‘I wish things could be different.’

‘Oh, I’m sure you do.’ Mouth pinched, she lifted her chin and held her shoulders back. ‘But things aren’t different. I’d like you to leave now, please. I want to be alone.’

There was nothing he could do. Zach gathered his travel bag and let himself out the door.