Memo: Marry Me? (12 page)

Zach’s mouth lifted, too, before he sobered. ‘You don’t…still have feelings for him?’

‘No…’ She didn’t sound entirely certain.

Zach stood and moved towards her. ‘Surely you must know how you feel?’

‘I don’t care about him.’ Her fingers trembled as she raised her hand to brush her hair back from her face. ‘I guess I feel guilty.’

Zach leaned forward in a protective move he couldn’t prevent. ‘Why? I can’t imagine you’ve done anything to harm him.’

‘I feel guilty because I’ve blamed him for my accident, and everything that followed.’ She dropped her gaze, long lashes covering her expressive eyes.

A warning rumble started in Zach’s throat. If Richard had hurt Lily in any way…He kept his voice deliberately gentle. ‘Was there a reason for you to blame him? Tell me what happened.’

Her gaze rose again. ‘Richard organised a kayaking trip with some business associates he wanted to impress. They were all experienced, and he wanted his fiancée there to add to his status in their eyes. I told him I had no experience and didn’t want to go, but he insisted.

‘When we got into white water I realised I couldn’t cope. I tried to paddle to the bank but I lost control, went under and hit my head on a submerged rock. The doctors at the hospital told me later that my brain had bounced inside my skull. I was unconscious when two of Richard’s companions fished me out, during the rescue mission, and for some time after. If those people and the doctors hadn’t acted so quickly and taken such care of me, I’d have died.’

Her eyes darkened with suppressed memories. ‘Later, I blamed Richard. I’ve been blaming him for a long time, but I realise now that I can’t blame him. He shouldn’t have insisted I go, that’s true, but it was my responsibility to say no and insist he make the trip without me.’

‘I’ll kill him with my bare hands.’ Zach muttered an expletive beneath his breath. He stared at Lily, and wanted to hunt Richard down. ‘It was at least partly his fault. The man was irresponsible — ’

‘Yes, I know.’ She smiled as she cut him off. ‘But ultimately I was in charge of myself. The accident happened because I made a poor choice.’

‘Did you break up with him because you blamed him?’ He could understand that, and he still wanted to pound on the guy. But he also wanted to comfort Lily, and he reached for her hands, holding them tight as he waited for her answer.

Lily shook her head. ‘Richard didn’t come to the hospital for almost a week. When he finally turned up, it was to tell me he couldn’t remain engaged to someone who would never regain the full use of her brain. My parents rejected me as well. They wanted to hide me away somewhere so they didn’t have to face what had happened to me. It hurt so much, Zach.’

Something inside his chest ripped apart. His voice was hoarse when he spoke. ‘He didn’t deserve you, Lily, and if that’s the best your parents can do they don’t deserve you, either.’

She tilted her head back to look into his eyes, her breath catching as their gazes locked. ‘I’ve had so much anger inside me. I don’t want to be like that. I want to live my life — to embrace everything and not be afraid.’

‘You’ve been incredible and strong and amazing, in the face of the kind of odds that would wipe some people out completely.’ That was what Zach saw. He groaned. That tide of feeling that had begun to well inside him earlier rose up again. ‘If there’s any guilt, forgive yourself and put it behind you.’

He looked down into her eyes, and he could only want her.
This Lily. His
Lily.

‘Why are you doing this to me, Zach?’ Lily’s question was fraught with pain. ‘You act as thought you want me, hunger for me, and all I want is to yield to that like I did before. But my memory loss is repugnant to you. I was there when you rejected me at the Manor House Inn, remember? Please don’t do that to me again.’

‘No, it’s not like that.’ He hugged her against his chest, held her there as he tried to convey the wrongness of her words to her through his touch.

Slowly, carefully, he held her at arms’ length. ‘I don’t give a single damn about the state of your memory, other than to hate that it causes you pain. When have I ever said otherwise, or even led you to believe it?’

‘But you pushed me away.’ Confusion clouded her eyes, but now there were other emotions to be seen in her gaze and expression as well. Soft, hesitant emotions that wrapped around his heart and squeezed.

‘We intended to make love, and both of us knew it wouldn’t turn into anything more than a night together in that rural setting so far away from all we know here. But you still stopped.’ She drew a soft breath. ‘It can only be because of my condition.’

‘Maybe I shouldn’t have stopped, because your condition had nothing to do with it, Lily. Nothing at all.’ He growled the words, and then he went on. ‘I stopped that night because I didn’t want to hurt you by ending it after that. And all I did was make it worse, didn’t I? At least, if we’d shared that, you’d have been sure of how much I desire you just as you are.

‘I want to make love to you more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. I want to hold you and show you that you’re wonderful. I care about you, Lily. More than I should. I wish I could give you the world.’ He took a deep breath. ‘I guess I didn’t do a very good job of expressing empathy that day at the coffee shop. I hurt for you, and didn’t know how to help you, and you were so prickly about it.’

She stared at him, and her breath caught on a sob of sound. ‘Then make love to me now, Zach. Right now, so I
can
believe you desire me enough to do that.’ She said it softly, and her eyes burned with both hunger and vulnerability. ‘You can’t give me the world. I know that. But give me this.’

The decision was made deep inside him before he could even consider standing against it. He tugged her into the outer office, snatched up her bag and pressed it into her hands. ‘This time there’ll be no going back for either of us. You understand that?’

‘I understand.’ She tipped that lovely chin again, looked into his eyes. Let him see the desire that fired her expression. ‘Take me somewhere we can be alone.’

Take me…
Emotion bubbled through Zach. Lily’s revelations, the pain caused by her parents, her guilt over blaming Richard, all added up to make him
have
to prove to her that he found her utterly attractive, appealing on every level. ‘There are things I want to show you — in my heart — I want, I need — ’

‘I want and need, too, so many things with you. I never expected to tell anybody how much it hurt me to lose my parents’ support, and to wrestle with the guilt of blaming Richard for everything that happened.’ She said it softly, and slipped her bag over her shoulder then headed for the door. ‘Somehow, telling you those things has freed me, and I know now that I want this with you, just once. So
show
me, Zach.’

As on the night of his birthday party, he had her elbow in his grasp before she knew what was happening. He kissed her in the empty elevator. Pressed her against the cold, steel wall and ravaged her mouth, her face, her neck. And then his kisses softened, and he worshipped her slowly, tenderly, as his heart ached for her.

Lily wrapped her arms around him and held him as he counted the minutes until he had her in his bed.

His
bed, because nothing else would do. Not for her. Not for him. Not for this.

The lift opened directly into the underground parking lot. They crossed to his car with a very circumspect distance of several feet between them. The area was deserted. He guided her to the car, and in the dim-lit silence he pulled her close again. Pressed against her. Kissed her again.

‘Where are you taking me?’ She asked it when they finally sat side by side on the leather seats. Her question underlined her acceptance that this would happen now, with the inevitability of the changing of the seasons or the ticking of a clock.

That powerful knowledge raced through him. He started the car and forced himself not to rush his movements. ‘I’m taking you to my house, my bed.’

‘Good. I want to be there.’ She tossed her bag onto the floor of the car with an air of acceptance, and her hands came to rest, lightly clasped, against her thigh.

Zach covered those hands with one of his own, then reluctantly let go.

The drive to his home took time, and that time could have defused the heat and emotion that had brought them both to this point.

Instead, each silent moment, each breath she took, each breath he took, seemed to just make more of it.

Until he finally said, on the brink of madness as they arrived outside his house, ‘If I don’t have you, I’ll die.’

‘If I don’t have you, I might very well die too.’ Her laugh was half sob.

He turned the car into the driveway, pressed the button for the automatic garage door, and tucked them away safely inside.

A
S
Z
ACH
strode through his house, pulling Lily along by the hand, his destination and intent clear, Lily blurted one breathless concern. ‘Daniel. You said he drops by here a lot.’

‘He’s at school, and he never comes here during working hours.’ He pushed a door open and drew her into a cool, quiet room.

His
room.

He reached for her, but, instead of tugging her forward with the demand that raged through him, he held her gently. Drew her to him gently.

‘Your brother is a wonderful boy.’ Zach had a family in the truest sense of the word. Maybe today, as they shared these moments, Lily could pretend just briefly that she was a part of that, too. Oh, what was she saying — thinking?

‘A brother who can get the sulks as well as the next person, and, if you think small talk is going to make me forget how much I want you, you’re wrong.’ He buried his face in her hair and took a long, unsteady breath.

He kissed the crown of her head and caressed her shoulders, and shifted his gaze to look deep into her eyes. ‘I can’t ever be other than who and what I am, Lily. Even knowing that, I don’t think I can walk away from this. I want you and need you too much.’

‘I’m not asking you to stop, or trying to distract you. I know this is only about right now for us, and it’s what I want too.’ She couldn’t deny herself this chance to be in his arms, to make love with him utterly.

Opening up about her hurts to him had taken away her last reserve. She would have this, hold this, carry this away with her, and maybe there would be pain later, but Lily refused to think about that now.

‘The only thing I need to know is that this isn’t an act of pity because of what I said back there in your office…’ She couldn’t bear to think that even an ounce of that emotion drove Zach’s desire for her. ‘I won’t be your goodwill project, Zach. Anything but that.’

His face tightened with possessive determination. ‘What you said to me mattered, because you trusted me enough to say it. I respect you more now than I ever have, because I understand how what you’ve been through has hurt you. I want you. I want to take away some of that hurt if I can. It has nothing to do with pity. Now, come here and let me love you.’

The room with its bank of built-in closets, the windows with gold and green drapes drawn closed, and the bed so very close to them, all faded from her mind as he drew her into his arms and began to whisper kisses onto her lips.

She wrapped her arms around his neck as she had done in the elevator, but softly, softly, and sighed as he kissed the nape of her neck. Pressed a caress of her own against the hot skin near his ear. Drew his head down to hers, and offered so much more of herself than she had believed she would ever give. To Zach. To any man.

But, oh, how could she think of
any
man? There was only Zach, and what he made her feel, and what she wanted him to feel for her. How could she hold back? Richard had never made her feel this way.

Her hands caressed the strong arms that held her close, rose to his shoulders and flexed against the muscles there.

She had imagined him raised above her, his shoulders bared to her touch. Had held him almost naked in her arms, just once, before he’d let her go. Now she would know all of it, and it was almost —
almost
— too much.

He threw back the quilt. Drew her shoes from her feet and settled her on soft ivory sheets. Kicked off his shoes and joined her. ‘I want to hold you. Let me just hold you…close to my heart.’

At those wrenching words her heart melted, and any hope of guarding her feelings disappeared. This was enough. It had to be enough.

‘Let
me
hold
you
.’ She touched his face, the starkness and heat and the rasp of his skin. Drew in her breath, taking the scent of him deep inside, to a place in her memory that would never forget. She didn’t want to forget any of this. Not a moment of it. In her heart, she knew she wouldn’t.

Was this love? Real love? The for ever, all-encompassing kind? This deep, abiding need for him that had grown and shaped itself into something that lived with her, breathed with her, as much a part of her as her own deepest thoughts or secrets?

She had never cared for Richard like this, even when she’d tried to blind herself to his true personality. Now he was a formless shadow, less than a tendril of mist in the recesses of her mind. Zach owned it all.

Zach drew her in so close that their bodies touched, melded to each other perfectly, and then he lifted up above her, and looked down into her face through hazel eyes that shone with sweet, tender desire. And he kissed her slowly, druggingly, and she melted. Melted completely away…

‘Lily of the valley. Beautiful, delicate and sweet. Will you fortify my soul?’ The words poured out of Zach from a deep, still place that ached for only her. That needed her in ways he was only beginning to know.

He looked deep into her eyes, and began the slow and sensual task of removing every barrier that separated them. Shaking fingers opened the buttons on her blouse. Caressed soft, butter-yellow lace and warm creamy skin beneath.

He swallowed hard, biting back words that welled up. Promises and hopes and dreams, and things that he had denied himself years ago. That he had given up willingly because honour demanded it, but now there was this. ‘I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve
you
.’

Torn, longing, hungry, he cupped her face in his hands, stroked the soft skin. Watched her eyes darken as she leaned into that touch. Lowered his mouth to kiss her again because he couldn’t do anything else.

Long moments later, he drew back enough to say, ‘You take my breath away. Tell me again that you want this. Tell me you want it as much as I do.’

‘I want to make love with you more than you’ll ever be able to imagine or dream.’ With those simple words, she felled him.

Emotion welled, wrapped around his heart, and even though his body ached for her something deep inside ached and longed so much more.

Her hands rose in tentative exploration. Colour stained her cheeks as she met his gaze. ‘Since that night at the Manor House Inn, since long before it, I’ve dreamed of this. Of being able to touch your skin, to see you above me…’

‘Then touch me. Look at the body that wants you so much.’ He helped her with the buttons of his shirt. Then he shrugged it off. Let it drop to the floor.

Her hands ran lightly over him. Touching, caressing, knowing him, until he felt he had always been hers, and she his.

When the last piece of clothing fell away, he looked at her and words crowded up and poured out. ‘Let me show you how beautiful you are.’

And he gave her all the need and hunger that had built inside him as each day had etched her deeper into his senses, his thoughts, his emotions. He may not have the words. May not be able to promise her for ever, but he would give her this, and his fulfilment would be in hers.

Lily opened her mind, her spirit and her body to Zach in the only way she could. Utterly. Totally. And when he had loved her absolutely, gaze locked to her gaze, hands and body reverencing her until they lay twined in each other’s arms in shattered stillness at last, she finally admitted the truth.

She loved him. Right down to the depths of her heart and spirit and soul, in a way she had never loved before, and never would again. The realisation brought a gasping sob to her throat. She choked it back, but a small sound escaped.

‘What is it?’ Zach whispered the question, and brushed his mouth across hers. Touched her hair with gentle fingers, and clasped his hand over hers where it rested on his chest.

Could he know what she had discovered? Had she revealed the truth as they made love? Had it shone from her eyes? Could he possibly share those feelings?

His heart beat steadily beneath her fingertips, and he tucked her closer still in an intimacy that gave comfort, even as she struggled to come to terms with her new-found knowledge.

Lily pushed the thoughts away. She wouldn’t think about her discovery or ask questions. Not yet. Right now, she was too vulnerable. She would want to believe too easily that this had changed everything, when they both had agreed that it wouldn’t.

‘It’s nothing.’ Shadows danced against the curtained windows, and danced at the edges of her heart and mind. She closed her eyes to the shadows at his windows, and distanced herself from those lying in wait at the edges of her heart. ‘It’s nothing at all.’

Instead, she embraced the comfort of his closeness. Nestled to his side. As he stroked his fingers across her shoulders, against her neck, through her hair, a soft lassitude stole though her.

When Lily woke, the shadows had lengthened. There must have been a tree outside the window, for long, gnarled arms seemed to reach right into the room ready to snatch her into their dry, crackling hold.

Disturbed by the mental image, she eased away from Zach’s slumbering form, and paused to look down into the face now relaxed in sleep. A band tightened around her heart. How she wanted to wake beside him every day! To reach for him, and be drawn into his arms and welcomed. Making love had changed everything for her, but Zach had made his attitude clear before they did this.

Why can’t you love me and want me for ever, Zach? Why can’t I be enough for you to overcome those choices you’ve made about your life?

Heart sore, she gathered her belongings and drew away to the other end of the house. She used her cell phone to order a taxi, then tidied herself in the guest bathroom and let herself out of the house.

He hadn’t made promises. This had been their beginning, and now it was their end. No matter how much that knowledge hurt her, she had no choice but to accept it.

‘Come on, Lily, answer for me. You’re my last hope.’
I need you with me while I face this.

The inner admission of that need came freely to Zach, but it was a revelation that couldn’t be examined now. He stood in the middle of his mother’s living room and gripped the cordless phone in tight fingers. His brother had been gone since eight this morning. Over nine long hours, and nobody had seen him.

His mother wrung her hands. ‘I should have seen him onto the bus. No, I should have driven him to and from school every day myself.’

Zach shook his head. ‘There’s never been a hint of trouble. I’ve only just got around to vetting the people who walk onto my floor at work. Why us?’ Theirs was a wealthy family, but certainly not the wealthiest, or the only one around.

‘Hello?’ Lily’s voice, slightly hoarse, came at last.

She had left him after their lovemaking, after the most wonderful and moving moments he had experienced in his life, and had slipped away while he slept. Before he’d had time to come to terms with the hurt of that, or wonder at her reasoning or his own feelings, his mother had phoned in distress because Daniel was missing.

‘It’s Zach. Daniel’s been gone since early this morning. We can’t — we haven’t been able to track him down.’

‘Oh, Zach. I’m coming. I’ll get a taxi straight away.’

The band around his chest eased the tiniest bit. ‘I’m at Mum’s house.’

‘Give me the address. I’m not sure if it’s in my diary. I’ll leave right now.’ After he rattled off the address, she drew a hurried breath. ‘Daniel will come back to you safe and sound, Zach. He has to, because you love him so much.’

Those words echoed through Zach’s thoughts as he paced the floor. Between them, he and his mother had contacted every conceivable person who might have known where Daniel had gone, what had happened to him. And they had discovered he hadn’t been seen since before school.

‘What more can we do?’ His mother seemed to read his mind. She sprang up from the sofa to pace the floor, then moved to the window to stare out. ‘I can’t even tell if any of his casual clothes are missing, so I don’t know whether he
planned
to go somewhere other than school today, or something…worse happened.’

Her mouth tightened. ‘I should know every stitch of clothing he owns. A younger mother would be able to remember.’

‘Don’t do that to yourself.’ He gave her a brief hug. ‘I couldn’t tell you everything that’s in my own wardrobe, let alone anyone else’s.’

‘Oh, Zach.’ She leaned into him briefly before drawing away.

‘If it’s a kidnapping, and they plan to contact us with ransom conditions, we could put him in jeopardy by contacting the police.’ He stared out the window onto the street. ‘If we
don’t
contact the police, our resources are limited and we may be wasting precious time that could be spent by the authorities in trying to locate him.’

‘I’m going to look through his room again.’ His mother was still there when Lily arrived.

Zach watched Lily alight from the taxi and pay the driver, then hurry towards the front of the house. He opened the door before she could ring the bell. She looked straight into his eyes. A moment later, her arms were around his waist, and he was gripping her hard, close.

‘I got here as quickly as I could.’ She released him and stepped back, and he noticed that her eyes were redrimmed and puffy. She looked like she had been crying long before he’d called her, and there was only one likely reason for that.

A reason he had been trying to forget since he’d first held her naked in his arms. They couldn’t go on, because nothing had changed for him, even though he wished that were different.

Not now, you can’t think of it now.

Her gaze searched his face. ‘Is there any news?’

‘Nothing. Come in. Mum will be glad to see you.’

Lily followed Zach inside his mother’s house. Would Anne Swift be happy to see her? Or would she resent the intrusion, and feel that as an outsider to her family Lily shouldn’t be here?

One look at Anne’s tight, distressed face as she emerged from a room set off the hallway, and Lily forgot everything but the need to comfort her and help her.

Anne reached out a tremulous hand.

Lily squeezed it, and led Anne to sit on the living-room sofa.