Memoirs of a Muppets Writer: (You mean somebody actually writes that stuff?) (10 page)

Then came the Pottle/Axlerod theme:

Who’s
got the numbers all the time and loves
to count them
and to play them for
you? No one but the Count!
He’s got the crown!

He also has the numbers and the cat is gonna lay them on
you one by one
at the Count’s Countdooooooooown!

Que
Pasa?! And Vot’s happening?!,
the Count opened. He then went on to start counting listeners.

Starting at the bottom, the Count played this week’s top twelve hits, working his way up to number one with appropriate fanfare.

During the show, we inserted as many radio elements as we could -
Sesame Street
style:

We had an ad:

GUY SMILEY:
Friends,
has your counting
been a little dull lately Not much fun, Hmm? Well,
maybe
it’s because
you can
only count to ten. So, let me tell
you
about the wonderful number, 15!

Guy then went on to extol the benefits of being able to count up to 15. And, at the end: Ask
your local adult for a demonstration!

We did a weather report:
Today’s high was
72
at 11 o’clock! The low was 46 at eight o’clock! The barometric pressure is 28 and falling! There is a 60 percent chance of rain and wind from the east at 12 miles per hour! And there is a light overcast at
15,000, 15,000
vonderful feet!

The Count did dedications to David and Maria, and Gordon and Susan. He counted the holes in the microphone. He played “Moldy Oldies” and blasts from the past.

Numbers in the news: Three little pigs whose visiting cousin made four little pigs! Ten is the number of toes most people have! (We also did sports news, which consisted of nothing but scores.)

Since I was the sole writer on the album, I decided to indulge in a little good natured nepotism and include two of my favorite
Sesame
Street songs. They are two of my favorite
Sesame Street
songs because I wrote the lyrics for them.

The inspiration came when
Sesame Street
decided to do a network musical variety show in which I was not invited to participate. In retaliation, I decided that my next regular
Sesame Street
script would be a musical variety show set on
Sesame Street,
called, Two
Plus Two.
The opening number was called,
I Just Adore Four!
The production starred Big Bird backed up by a chorus of male Muppets called, the Tarnish Brothers, although, I can’t for the life of me remember why. But, The number had a big, Broadway musical feel to it.

I Just Adore Four

I just adore four.

The number for me.

You can’t deplore four,

It’s less than five, more than three!

You
can have four doors,

Or four dinosaurs,

Four janitors,

Or even four grocery stores!

I
Just adore
four.

The number sublime.

I love to draw four,

It’s just an angle and a line!

I can’t get sore for

It’s
plain, you see,

I just adore four,

The number for me!

(Spoken)

Ah, yes. I
used to
fret a lot and fidget.

Until I met that dazzling digit.

And
now you see
a brand
new me
for

I found a
number I
can be for and count
1, 2, 3, 4.

Now the Tarnish Brothers join it.

I just adore four.

The number for me.

You can’t deplore four,

It’s less than five,
more
than three!

You
can have four floors,

or four army corps,

Four dresser
drawers,

Or even four crashing bores!

I Just
adore four.

The
number sublime.

I love to draw four

It’s just an angle and a line!

I
can’t get sore for, it’s plain
to see

I just adore four, the number
1, 2, 3,

Four me!

And, as long as I was being self indulgent, I gave the Count the line:
Vel! They certainly don’t write them like that anymore!

The title for the second song just came to me while I was deep in concentration about subtraction. Flash!
The Subtraction Blues.
Take it away. Take it away! The number was performed on the show and on the record, by Northern Calloway, the talented Broadway performer who played “David” on
Sesame Street
, in his best Kansas City blues style.

The Subtraction Blues

I’ve got the subtraction
blues,

Sitting and crying all day.

I’ve got the subtraction blues,

Sitting and crying all day.

Got the subtraction blues.

Take
it
away. Take it away.

I had four pieces of pizza.

I was saving them all for me.

I swapped one for some chocolate milk,

And
four take away
one
is three!

Got the subtraction blues.

Sitting and crying all day.

Got the subtraction blues.

Take it away. Take it away.

I had three
pieces of pizza,

Just
waiting for me to chew.

I gave one to a friend of mine.

And three take away one is two!

The subtraction blues.

Sitting and crying all day.

I’ve got the subtraction blues.

Take it away. Take it away.

I had two pieces of pizza.

I was
saving to eat in the sun.

One slipped into the gold fish bowl.

And two
take away one is one!

Got the subtraction blues.

Take it away. Take it away.

I had
just one
piece of pizza.

Then
my
dog grabbed it on the run.

I had
just one
piece of pizza.

But one take away one is none!

I’ve got the subtraction blues.

Sitting and crying all day.

I’ve got the subtraction blues.

Take it away. Take it away.

At the end of the record, the Count had played his way up to number one, which, of course was the Song of the Count.
Counting is Vonderful! Counting is Marwelous!

I found the inspiration for the Bert
& Ernie SING-ALONG
album in the classic 1935 Marx Brothers hit film, A
Night at the Opera.
The movie contains one of the most famous comedy scenes of all time. It takes place in a small, trunk-filled steamship cabin. At the beginning, Groucho, Chico, Harpo and the ship’s doctor are in the room. For some reason, Harpo is asleep and can’t be awakened.

Over the next two and a half minutes, two maids, the ship’s engineer, a manicurist, the engineer’s assistant, a woman looking for her Aunt Minnie, another maid and finally four stewards with large trays of room service all cram into the tiny stateroom, while Groucho does a continuous stream of one liners. At the end, there are some 15 people crawling all over each other trying to clean the room, fix the heat, give a manicure, make a phone call and serve dinner.

For a finish, Margaret Dumont, who played the clueless matriarch and was the brunt of Groucho’s double entendres, comes down the hallway. When she opens the cabin door, the rest of the cast explodes through the door like they’ve been shot out of a cannon. It was the kind of lunatic anarchy that was perfect for the Muppets.

The Bert & Ernie SING-ALONG
album starts simply enough with Bert in the bathtub singing to himself. But then Ernie comes in and decides that the acoustics are so good that the bathroom is the perfect place for a sing-along. So, he brings in his piano. He and Bert do a duet called, I Refuse to
Sing Along.

As the record progresses, more and more of the
Sesame
Street cast hear the singing and show up to join in. First comes David. Then Gordon comes in
with
his bass fiddle. Then comes Bob and Susan and Maria, causing Bert to plead for a towel or at least more bubble bath. Big Bird comes in with his bells. And the Count starts to count the bathroom tiles until the rest put him in the shower.

We hear a motorcycle roar down the hall and crash through the door with the
Sesame Street
monsters, Herry, Grover and Cookie aboard.

How did
you get
a motorcycle in the bathroom!?

Simple. I made a left in the bedroom.

Then Oscar comes in to complain about the noise.

The album ends with the University of Michigan Marching Band marching in playing
Stars and Stripes Forever.

Jon Stone liked the finished record so much that we recreated as much as we could for an episode of
Sesame Street.

So
Groucho, Harpo, Chico, Zeppo and Gummo, wherever you are, thank you.

Chapter 16

Joe Raposo

J
oe Raposo was the musical force behind the creation of
Sesame Street.
A classically trained musician, Joe could compose, orchestrate, and conduct with equal virtuosity.

As the show’s original Music Director, he wrote the music for the
Sesame Street
theme and composed or co-wrote the early
Sesame Street
hits including
It’s Not Easy Being Green, and, Sing! (Canta!).
Joe wrote, Green, in one night with no more direction than a note in a
Sesame
Street script:
Kermit sings a song.
He also composed the occasional music and songs that underscored the show’s Muppet and animation pieces (including my personal favorite,
I’m An Aardvark and I’m Proud!).

Occasionally, Joe and I would go out for a beer after work. Most of his background and impressive other credits are scattered all over Google and Wikipedia. But here are a couple of my favorite Joe Raposo stories that you won’t find on the Internet:

When Joe first came to New York after graduating from Harvard, where he worked on
Hasty Pudding
productions, he supported himself by picking up occasional cocktail piano and off Broadway gigs. Eventually, he joined the musicians’ union, Local 802. And suddenly, his work load surged.

Joe was getting booked in bands that were playing elaborate celebrations in Brooklyn and on Long Island - weddings, first communions, confirmations, graduations and anniversary parties. Joe said he always got paid well, in cash, got fed as well as the guests, and more often than not, got a bottle of wine or liquor on the way out. Joe couldn’t figure out his good luck. He was a talented piano player, but New York was full of talented piano players.

Finally, it dawned on him. All of the affairs he worked were thrown by Italian-American families connected to, “friends downtown,” as the expression goes. Because of his last name, the union guys figured he was Italian. So, until he got a steady gig, Joe feared his only source of income would dry up immediately if it was discovered he wasn’t Italian at all, but a full-blooded Portugese from Fall River, Massachusetts.

Right after
Sesame Street
became a tremendous hit, Joe was on business in Los Angeles with Jeff Moss, the show’s first Head Writer. At a party, Joe struck up a conversation with a man who claimed to be a
Sesame Street
writer. Joe had never seen him before in his life.

Without revealing his connection to the show Joe casually mentioned that he thought
Sesame Street
was written and produced in New York. The “writer” assured him that was true. But the show liked his material so much that they let him write from Los Angeles. And his scripts were delivered to
Sesame Street
via the daily William Morris mail pouch that was hand carried from Los Angeles to New York by messenger.

Feigning fascination, Joe then called Jeff Morse over to the conversation without revealing Jeff’s position as
Sesame Street’s
Head Writer. Joe and Jeff then let this unsuspecting fool rhapsodize all night about his contribution to
Sesame Street,
which in his estimation was enormous, and never let on about their connection to the show.

Chapter 17

On the Road with the Street

I
n the mid-1970s,
Sesame Street
decided to take the show on the road. Video taping equipment was becoming relatively portable, although, not by present standards - television was still recorded on two-inch wide tape. But it was common enough that
Sesame Street
could afford it. We started by doing some local “remotes” in and around New York City.

One show was shot in the rolling hills northwest of New York City. The show’s premise was that Bob, Susan, Gordon, Mr. Hooper, Big Bird, Oscar and several kids take a camping trip to the woods with predictably disastrous results.

But during that shoot, I got to create a wonderful spoof on old time adventure films. It was a creative element on
Sesame Street
to do our own spoofs on adult genres like adventure films or quiz shows.

I must have been in an impish mood when I wrote it because I saw an opportunity to take Bob, a pretty clean cut, straight-laced character, and use him against type in some outrageous visual comedy.

Since Big Bird was on the shoot, I knew Kermit Love would be along to protect him in the wilds. Kermit, who also had a theatrical background, made occasional appearances on
Sesame Street
as Willie the Hot Dog Man. Visually, Kermit is positively Santa Claus-esque with long silver hair and matching full beard.