Messed Up (30 page)

I then began to consider what I was going to do about Conner’s letter, aside from destroying it as soon as I got home. Seeing his handwriting on the paper, imagining him sitting at his desk composing the letter, thinking of the loving and kind words he’d written, made me miss Conner more than ever. I had done a decent job of keeping him out of my thoughts for the past couple of weeks, but now he was there again. I could see his face perfectly, his tan skin, the freckles on his nose, his smile, all of it so forbidden now.

I stopped Levi’s car at a red light, and glanced again at the clock, 11:58. It was still early. How long would Levi be busy with his little romp into ritual abuse? Noah, James, Calvin, all of my usual chaperones were with Levi. Who was watching me now? I checked my review mirror. The street was quiet. The red light changed to green and I took a left, in the direction of Conner’s house. I could make it there in five, maybe ten minutes. That would give me enough time to see him, if only for a couple minutes. It was my only chance, I rationalized. Was it worth it? I knew that if I was caught I would be facing punishment beyond anything I could grasp, not to mention what would happen to Conner. On the other hand, this might be the only way I could explain that he couldn’t try to help me. I decided it would be worth the risk.

Minutes later I turned onto Conner’s silent street, checking my review mirror once more, still nobody there. You’re crazy Chelsea, my mind screamed, but I didn’t care. I had made my decision, and the prospect of seeing Conner was driving me to act like a lunatic.

I parked in front of his house and I climbed over the fence into his backyard. I found his dark window and tapped lightly at first, and then with more force. I could feel my time with him slipping away. I didn’t want to waste one single minute. And then, there he was. His hair sticking out in every direction as he sleepily rubbed his eyes with the side of his hand. For a moment, it was almost as if he didn’t comprehend what he was seeing, but then a huge smile materialized on his face.

Conner slid the window open and we immediately swung our arms around each other. Neither of us spoke, as we gripped one another tightly for what could easily have been five solid minutes. Conner eventually pulled me through the window and into his dark room, all the while keeping his firm hold on me. We fell onto his bed, still in each other’s arms. I was smiling so hugely that my cheeks had started to ache.

He pulled his face back enough so that he could look into my eyes. His hand brushed my hair from my face. I watched his eyes register the tiny scar on the side of my forehead, a scar so small that even my parents hadn’t noticed, but of course Conner did. He traced his finger over it lightly, “He did this to you,” he stated, anguish in his expression.

He then leaned in and pressed his cheek against mine. I could feel his warm skin against my face, his breath warm against my ear. I wished I could stay like this forever. How long would it take before Levi came beating down the door, ripping us apart? I knew my time was limited. I needed to explain what I could to Conner, to make him understand, but I was entirely reluctant to let the moment go. I didn’t know if I would ever get it back.

“
Conner,” I finally said in a quiet voice, “I got your letter. I need you to listen very carefully to what I am about to say.”

He nodded as he looked at me with his most somber eyes.

“
You cannot ever contact me again. It is not safe for you,” and then I added, “Or me. You don’t understand what Levi is capable of. I can’t let anything bad happen to you, not because of me.”

“
Chelsea,” he whispered, “I have to help you.”

“
No,” I said firmly, “You can’t. Please, please, Conner. Don’t get involved, it will only make it worse. Remember what happened to Toby?”

“
But he’s okay, Chelsea,” Conner tried to remind me.

“
No. He’s not,” I took a deep breath, “That call, from his father? That was Levi. He’s got everything worked out all the time. He warned me that if I ever see you or talk to you, he will do something even worse than what he did to Toby. Conner, I couldn’t live with myself if that ever happened. Please.”

“There has got to be some way,” he said sounding pained, “Can’t you go to the police?”

“And tell them what exactly?” I asked frustrated, “That my boyfriend is a maniac? Show them a practically nonexistent scar? I don’t have proof of any of it. And besides, he’s always one step ahead of me. He’d never let that happen. He won’t let me out of his sight.”

“What about your parents?”

“Conner!” I exclaimed in exasperation, “You’re not getting it! There is no way out. You have to just promise me that you won’t get involved. It can’t go on forever. When it ends, you will be the first to know,” I sighed and took a deep breath, “Listen,” I said calmly, “I have about ten minutes before I have to be out of here. Can you promise me that you’ll leave this to me, so we can just be together for a little bit?”

“Okay,” he nodded slowly, “I promise.”

I was tempted to tell Conner all about the Delancey initiation I had just witnessed. It’s not every day you see something that messed up. But I was on borrowed time, so instead I leaned toward him. My intention was to rest my head on his chest, but without even thinking about it, I pressed my lips against his. Kissing him with more intensity than I realized I was capable of. Conner moved his hand up to cup my face as our mouths moved together slowly. His lips felt so soft, so gentle under mine. A warm tingly sensation moved up my body, starting at my stomach and slowly creeping to my chest and my arms, to the tips of my fingers, and spreading over my face like a gentle warm haze.

I was suddenly overcome by the moment. I began to tremble slightly, not out of fear this time, but excitement. I pressed myself against Conner, pushing my body into his. I could feel his heart beating on my chest. Our breathing was in sync with one another, rapidly inhaling and exhaling together. Our kisses became longer, deeper. Conner reached down and pulled my thigh up so that my leg wrapped around him, our bodies becoming even closer together. That is exactly what I wanted, to be as close as possible to someone who gave a damn about me, someone who could affirm my worth.

When Levi and I hooked up, my movements were always timid, fearful. At first I was afraid I would do the wrong thing, that he would think the way I acted was desperate or lame, and then the fear became about not wanting to go too far, always terrified that it would be the time he decided we should have sex. None of that fear was present with Conner. He would never judge me or pressure me, he loved me for who I was, and thought everything about me was beautiful, all the time, unconditionally.

These thoughts passed through my mind in an instant flash as I began to wiggle out of my shirt. I got it over my head, barely taking my lips from his. Conner fumbled with my bra strap and I pulled his threadbare t-shirt off his body. We fell back into each other’s arms, feeling the warmth and softness of our skin pressing together. I heard myself let out a tiny moan, and I didn’t even pause to feel embarrassed by it.

Conner moved his mouth from mine and began kissing my neck so gently that goose bumps crept to the surface of my skin. He moved his lips down to my chest. I was shaking now, the pleasure in this moment was too great. It was beyond anything I had experienced before. He pressed his lips to my breast, his tongue lightly tracing my nipple. I reached my own hand down and stroked his belly lightly. His skin was so soft, so warm. I could hear him gasp quietly as I moved my hand lower down, creeping my fingers under the elastic strap of his boxers.

“Chelsea,” he whispered moving his face close to mine. I kissed him deeply, beginning to push his boxers down, “We can’t do this,” he said sounding regretful.

“Yes, we can,” I said, between kisses, “I want to be with you Conner. I love you.”

He moved my hands up and held them in his, “I love you Chelsea, but it is hard enough living everyday without you. I can barely stand it as it is. I don’t think I can handle anymore.”

I put my head against him, “I’m sorry,” I whispered. I lay on Conner’s chest for a while, fully aware that my ten minutes had come and gone. I couldn’t bring myself to leave. My mind wandered to the hopelessness of my situation with Levi. I realized with sudden dread my first time was, in all inevitability, going to be with Levi, whether I liked it or not. I had convinced myself that it shouldn’t matter all that much. But being with Conner, like this, I guess it made me realize how it should be. I sat up and reached for my bra, noticing how unselfconscious I felt in front of him.

He sat up too, looking at me, like he was reading my mind “Isn’t there anything I can do?”

“Just keep your promise Conner, please, don’t try to get in touch with me anymore,” I answered as I slipped my shirt back over my head.

I climbed out the window and Conner followed me. We hugged for a long while, neither one of us willing to let the moment end, not knowing when or if we’d see each other again.

“I love you so much Con,” I finally said, pulling away from him.

“I love you, Chels. I’ll be waiting for you.”

30

I read somewhere that the reason for sleep is to allow the brain a chance to create neural passages for new information. That is why babies require so much sleep; they are constantly experiencing novel things that must be incorporated into their ever expanding brains. I believe that is true. What other reason would I have for being able to sleep until noon the next day despite my fear that Levi was coming at any minute, to beat the crap out of me for sneaking away to have an illicit affair? My brain was so busy processing the crazy night before, in all its insanity, that I didn’t even wake up when Levi snuck into my room to retrieve his keys and leave me a note saying he’d pick me up at noon. A note I actually never had the chance to find.

My eyes were closed when I felt the pressure of his body on top of me. For one glorious fraction of a second I thought it was Conner, but then I heard a familiar cooing voice, “Wake up, Punky.”

“Hey,” I mumbled, opening my eyes groggily and bringing my bed sheet over my mouth to avoid exposing my stale breath.

“Why so tired?” he asked lightly.

“I couldn’t sleep,” I answered, feeling a flood of relief. His sweet smile and calm voice seemed to indicate that he hadn’t found out about my exploit the night before.

“My little insomniac,” he smiled, twirling my hair in his fingers, “How fast do you think you can get ready? My parents are expecting us in a half an hour.”

“Your parents?” I groaned.

He laughed at my response, “Don’t worry, I’ll protect you. Anyway, I’ve kept you from them this long. They’re starting to get suspicious.”

“Suspicious that I exist or suspicious that you’re gay and I’m actually a man?”

“Maybe you are a man,” he smiled as he grabbed at my boobs, “Nope, definitely not.”

I pushed him off of me, forcing a laugh, and headed to the bathroom to get ready, “I’ll be quick.”

Less than a half an hour later I was clothed in a red floral halter dress and brown leather strappy sandals and sitting in Levi’s car as we drove toward his house. I had been dreading meeting Levi’s parents since the first time he told me about them. The story about his dad sleeping with his sister-in-law haunted me. If there was any one determining factor for the vile way that Levi had treated me over the past months, I had figured it was his parents. Not that his upbringing was an excuse for becoming an evil monster, but it was definitely a suitable explanation.

As we drove down a twisting country road that lead out of Santa Juanita, Levi turned to me looking serious suddenly, “So aren’t you going to tell me what you thought about last night?” he asked. My heart nearly leapt from my body and onto the dashboard.

“What do you mean?” I asked in a frail voice, bracing myself for the punishment that was sure to follow if Levi knew about Conner.

“The whole thing with the pledges… Chelsea, are you having some kind of suppressed memory episode? I thought for sure you’d have something to say about it.”

I exhaled silently, “Well, do you really want to know what I think?”

“Of course,” he sounded surprised, “I always want to know what you think.”

Right, I thought, that’s why I spend ninety-five percent of my life telling you what I think you want to hear. “If you want to know the truth, I thought it was disgusting. Those poor girls being humiliated like that, and then the one that got spit on,” I took a breath before adding, “Not to mention that poor kid that you knocked unconscious.”

Levi nodded, “I thought you’d say that. How’d you like your part in it? Being in control?”

“I don’t think I was in control of anything,” I answered honestly, “I did it because I wanted to make you happy.” Actually, I thought, I did it so you wouldn’t hurt me.

“I liked having you there,” he said with a smile and then added, “Don’t feel too bad about those kids, they all wanted to be there. It’s part of the deal. We all had to go through it.”

“What are the Delanceys anyway? Some kind of high school fraternity?” I asked, looking for further rationalization about the cultish ritual I’d seen.

“Partly,” he said looking at the road ahead of him. He seemed to be considering his words carefully now, “But it goes beyond just high school.”

Levi turned onto a private road blocked by an enormous iron gate. To the side of the gate was a kiosk where a guard sat, staring blankly at a set of computer monitors. He jumped to attention when he saw Levi, and pressed a button to open the gate. It hit me that Levi was more than just rich, he was private security rich. Translation: filthy, stinking rich.