Messed Up (33 page)

Mr. Bennett reached over Levi and patted my thigh, “Good to see you again, Chelsea,” he smiled wickedly, “Sorry it has to be under such disturbing circumstances.”

I nodded coolly, and crossed my legs, knocking his hand off my thigh. Levi squeezed my hand. These two are quite a pair, I thought sardonically.

The minister droned on, about what exactly, I can’t be sure, I was too occupied by the private conversation I was having with God in my head. I was attempting to explain that I hadn’t meant for this to happen to Toby, and begging him to see it in his heart to forgive me. And, oh by the way, if he could lend me a hand with the Levi situation, I would really appreciate it, big time.

Following the memorial service we drove to the private reception that was being held at the Fanning home. There were already people gathering in the large, high ceilinged living room, and more around the pool. Several waitresses weaved their way in and out of the mourners caring trays of seared ahi on toasts, and crab cakes with aioli dollops. I stood silently next to Levi as he chatted politely with adults about the weather and the dire state of the economy.

I watched as the Fanning family arrived home. First Marcy with her daughter Shawn, tightly locked under her arm. A couple minutes later Mitch Fanning arrived with Bryce and Sophie. They all looked exhausted, as if the color from their cheeks had been sucked out with a syringe. Concerned mourners gathered around them, more hugs, more pats, more words of sympathy.

Mr. and Mrs. Bennett meandered in after another half an hour. My eyes followed Mr. Bennett as he greeted the gathering like he was a celebrity meeting his fans, big smiles, emphatic handshakes all around. After several minutes he whispered something in Mr. Fanning’s ear and the two slipped away down the long hallway. I wondered what business they had today.

I excused myself to the bathroom as Levi headed out to join a group of Sophie’s friends on the back patio. I didn’t need to watch while they all drooled over my boyfriend, the murderer. I walked through the kitchen where I found Marcy slumped over the counter, her face in her hands. My instinct was to keep walking, but guilt won over. I approached her and placed my hand lightly on her back.

“
I’m so sorry, Marcy,” I said quietly.

She turned to me, her face stricken with pain, “Oh, Chelsea!” she wailed, pulling me into a hug. I felt her body heaving against me as she sobbed into my shoulder, “I don’t know how I am going to live without him!” she said between stuttering gasps.

“
I’m so sorry,” I repeated, feeling completely ill-equipped to deal with this level of emotion. Holy crap I’m having to grow up fast this summer, I thought, this can’t be healthy for my development.

Marcy eventually stepped away from me, wiping her eyes with her arm, “I’m shutting down Yogurt Heaven,” she said in a perfectly calm and business-like voice.

“
Oh,” I said, taking a second to catch up with her sudden change of topics.

“
Shawn and I need to get away for a while, and Mitch doesn’t want to hassle with it.”

“
I understand,” I said nodding, “You need to take care of yourself right now,” I said sounding exactly like my mom.

Marcy patted me on the shoulder, looking at me meaningfully, “You know, the last day I got to really spend time with Toby was at that concert,” she sighed, “I will always remember that day.” You’re not the only one.

She took a deep breath and walked out of the kitchen without another word. I decided to lock myself in the bathroom for a couple minutes of peace. I found that the guest bathroom in the hall was occupied, so I walked down to Toby’s bedroom where I knew there was a bathroom he shared with Bryce.

I stepped soundlessly into Toby’s stagnant bedroom. My heart feeling suddenly heavy as my eyes wandered over his neatly made bed, the black computer monitor on his desk waiting to be switched on, a stack of
Rolling Stones
magazines on a shelf. All the life in his room was gone. I remember when my cat, Dixie, was run over by a car when I was nine, for weeks afterwards I would expect to see her when I walked past the back door in the morning, lying stretched out in the sun, waiting for her bowl of kibble. It was as if my heart hadn’t received the memo from my brain that she had gone to the kitty heaven in the sky. I know it’s probably sacrilegious or something to compare the death of my cat to that of Toby, but standing in his room that day felt completely different. His life was undeniably over. He wasn’t coming back, both my heart and mind were on the same page this time. I’d like to say I believed his soul was still with us that day, but that’s not how it felt, not at all. It was more like somebody had taken a big pink eraser and rubbed him right away. Toby was undeniably gone.

I opened the door to the bathroom, forgetting the fact that knocking would be the kosher thing to do, and there was Bryce. He sat on the counter, looking completely vacant, not registering at first that I had walked in, he just stared at me.

“
Oh,” I stammered, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were in here.”

He continued to look at me, unblinking. I turned to leave the way I’d come, but his voice stopped me, “You did this to him,” he said sounding strained. My stomach began to sink, the truth of his words cutting deeply into me, “He would never have gone up there if you hadn’t…” Bryce’s voice cracked.

“
I didn’t know,” I said, desperate to justify my actions.

“
I still can’t believe you would go along with
him
. I thought you would…” he groped for the words, his eyes becoming wet with tears.

“
What about you,” I said defensively, “You were with Levi that night. Why didn’t you stop them?” I knew, even as the words slipped from my lips what his answer would be.

“
I couldn’t, I was already in too deep. You were an outsider. You are the one who doesn’t drink or do drugs. You’re the girl who every teacher loves, who gets good grades and has never done anything wrong, ever. You were our only hope. We counted on you to do the right thing. We were sure you’d go to the police.”

I could feel the blood draining from my face, “What do you mean
we
?” I said in a voice barely above a whisper.

“
For fuck’s sake Chelsea!” Bryce said angrily, “Unlike you, Toby wasn’t an idiot. He knew Levi was going to do something to him. It was just a matter of time. We gambled on the fact that you would be the one person who would go to the police. But you screwed everything up. And now Toby’s dead. I hope your little romance with Levi was worth it.”

My head was spinning. Toby and Bryce had known all along that I was going to be used as bait that terrible night, they were counting on it. I had been the unknowing pawn in two conflicting schemes. They’d been right to assume I’d go to the police. That is exactly what the old Chelsea would have done. And it may have actually worked. Levi had nothing on me at that point; I had no reason
not
to go to the authorities. Toby had risked his life with the assumption that I would take the morally correct and logical path, as I’d always done in the past. Unfortunately, they had made one fatal miscalculation: the power of my infatuation with Levi.

“
I’m sorry,” I said, knowing my words were utterly meaningless. Bryce slid off the counter and left the room, his anger nearly tangible as his body brushed past mine. I followed him through Toby’s room, my mind urgently searching for something to say that would make him forgive me.

“
I don’t want to ever look at you again,” Bryce hissed at me as we reached the hallway. His words stopped me in my tracks, and I froze watching him lumber down the hallway toward an awaiting group of apologetic mourners.

I’m not exactly sure how long I stood there. I began banging the back of my head slowly and rhythmically against the wooden doorjamb. The pain was minimal, but it was just enough to keep my mind from focusing too carefully on all the what-ifs that were torturing me. What if I’d gone to the police? What if I hadn’t let Levi climb in my window that first night? What if I hadn’t gone to the concert? What if Hannah hadn’t left me to fend for myself?

Between the bumping sounds of my head against the wood, I began to make out words. I stood still for a second, trying to understand the sounds. I could hear muffled voices sneaking from the beneath a closed door at the end of the long hallway.

Now, this is the point at which I should have ignored the voices, and returned to the mingling pack of pained faces and sorrow-filled eyes, that is what the old Chelsea would have done. But I was not operating at full capacity, so instead, I tiptoed forward several yards, listening with cautiously perked ears. The first voice I could make out instantly, a voice that sounded as if Hannibal Lector had been thrown in a blender with The Godfather and set on pulse. It was unmistakably Alastair Bennett.

“
I’m not going over this again, Mitch,” he said, “I have given you adequate time to find it.”

“
Please,” I heard Mitch Fanning beg. He sounded like he was on the verge of tears, “I just need a couple more days, that’s it.”

“
I wonder who would be better collateral while I wait, hah Mitch? Your first born son, or you sweet little girl?” Mr. Bennett laughed coolly at his own question.

“
No!” Mitch whimpered, “Please,” and then he added in a tiny, despondent voice, “Take Marcy’s girl.”

“
You are one sick son of a bitch,” Mr. Bennett cackled, and then changing his tone suddenly he hissed, “Get the fuck out of my sight you piece of shit.”

I dove, head first, through the nearest door and stumbled to my feet just in time to see Mr. Fanning’s figure flash past the half opened door toward the living room. I held my breath, standing perfectly still as I waited for Mr. Bennett to go by the door too, praying he wouldn’t see me.

Then I heard a slow creaking sound of a door opening to my right. I knew even before I turned my head who I would find standing in the doorway from the adjoining room. There he was, a depraved smile pasted on his face, Mr. Bennett.

“
Chelsea,” he purred, “How auspicious that I would run into you. We never did get to finish our talk the other day. ”

My legs begin to go numb as I nodded and smiled sickly.

“
I do hate having my conversations cut short like that,” he said moving toward me, the smile falling from his face.

“
Well then Mr. Bennett, we’d better hold off on this little chitchat for another time because I have to pee like you wouldn’t believe,” I began hedging toward the doorway, “You know how it is? Lots of coffee, small bladder. Gets me every time.” Crap Chelsea, is that the best you could come up with?

I had one foot outside the door when I felt his icy cold hand grab me around the stomach and pull me back into the room, as his other hand forced the door shut and then moved to cover my mouth. He forced my body against his as he leaned in to hiss in my ear, “Listen carefully you little cunt, I don’t care if you piss your pretty panties, you’re not to leave until I dismiss you. Understand?”

I nodded my head vigorously and he released me.

“
Now,” the smile reappeared on his face, as he spoke slowly, “I’m not sure what you think you know, but I want to make one thing perfectly clear. You are nothing more than a plaything for my son. It would be of no consequence to me, or him, if you were to mysteriously disappear. You are utterly disposable my dear, and if Levi doesn’t see that, he can be made to. Questions? ”

I shook my head. Nope, I got it, disposable like those janky pink razors with the daisies down the handle, or like the cheap cameras that only take one roll of pictures, or come to think of it, like the life of Toby Fanning.
Utterly disposable
.

33

I wondered, as I lay in the bathtub at five AM the next morning, if I would ever be able to sleep again. The previous night had been a hard fought battle between me and sleep. I was bound and determined not to allow Mr. Bennett into my unconscious state. I knew he would be there, just waiting for me to give into my exhaustion; waiting to greet me with his heinous cackle that had been ringing in my ears every since I’d emerged from the Fanning’s master bedroom. I could hear his laugh as Levi had driven me, as he’d groped at my limp body in my bedroom before leaving for a Delancey Boy party at the river. And I could hear it now as the faucet dripped rhythmically into the warm water.

Levi had noticed that I was more subdued than usual when I’d joined him by the pool after my exchange with Mr. Bennett. I could feel him watching me, suspiciously as he flashed his signature smile at the group of ogling girls. He’d whispered in my ear that he would take me home if I wasn’t feeling well, and I’d quickly took him up on his offer.

Normally I would have appreciated the reprieve from Levi that last night had offered. It was one of the few nights that he wouldn’t be sneaking back into my room. But as frightening as I sometimes found Levi, I now had a fear monumentally more horrifying: his father. In my twisted logic, I had come to the conclusion that Levi was one of the few people who would actually stand up to Mr. Bennett, and therefore his presence was, for once, reassuring.

A long and unbearable day stretched out before me. The sun had barely risen and I had an entire day to live through. My job was over, I didn’t have any friends to speak of, my parents would both be working, and even Levi was going to be busy for most of the day. It would be just me and the traumatic scene from yesterday stuck on repeat, playing again and again in my brain.