Microsoft Word - Illicit Desires ePub.doc (4 page)

wasn't able to move him—not even an inch. "Knock it off!" I shoved him away once I felt a

slight pressure on my neck as he sucked on the skin there.

His eyes were heavy with something I didn't understand; it was something I'd never

seen before. I saw it for a split second before he came back to me as if I hadn’t just shoved

him or anything, attacking my neck with his lips.

The second time I pushed him away, he didn't try again. I don’t know if it was because I

shoved him hard or because I said, "Stop!" Either way, he did.

He stared at me with wide eyes like he couldn’t believe what he had just done. Heck,
I

didn't believe what he had just done!

"Adrian! What the hell? Are you out of your mind?"

"Lily, I …"

I mentally replayed what had just happened, and my blood ran cold. So, I slapped him.

For the first time in my whole short life, I slapped Adrian. I didn't know how I did it, but I

was mad at him.
So
mad.

His hand came to where mine had just touched his face; his eyes grew even wider as

disbelief, terror and shame filled them. I stood there just staring and he held my gaze—still

saying so much with his eyes. But again, another first… I couldn't read him.

I only knew that there was regret.

He should feel regret.
Eventually, I left him standing there in the water. One thought left

me with a desperate need to puke.

I kissed back.

A week had passed since it had happened, and I gave her all of that time to calm down; she

was
so
mad at me. Fuck!
I
was mad at me. I couldn't believe what I had done; I didn't know

what had possessed me to do it, but then again, I also knew exactly why I had.

I'd spent two weeks at the beach house doing nothing but thinking about her body and

the way it affected me when I saw it. I couldn't help the shame and embarrassment of how I

reacted because of it.

Better yet or rather
worse
yet—, I couldn't believe that I'd actually jerked off due to the

sight of my sister in a bikini. What kind of a brother would do that shit? As a brother, I

should have been ready to beat the crap out of anyone who would even dare to
think
about

doing
that
to thoughts of my sister—not doing it myself!

I even did it while she was standing just outside of the bathroom. I couldn't bear the

lust that was filling me when I saw her perfect, small body. I kept on chanting in my mind

that it wasn't right, that it was all wrong, but nothing worked.

My sister was no longer a little girl.

The thought made me sick. I felt like a fucking animal; I was unable to control my

lust—lust that had reached its breaking point over my own sister, my own blood. I hated

myself for doing it. I hated myself for the way I thought and for the way I reacted, but I just

couldn't help it.

When she came to my room, I did my best to stay away from her, knowing that I might

not be able to control myself if she was too close to me. And I was right.

When she was with me in the water, I acted like an animal and attacked her mouth and

neck. I couldn't stay still while she looked that beautiful, half naked and all …
wet
.

Fuck!

Her lips felt like heaven … true heaven. It seemed like because I had craved her for so

many days, I couldn't stop my hunger and need. I was lost to my lust and desire, and I didn't

hear anything she said beyond "stop." Her slap finally woke me up from my dazed, lustful

state. And I deserved it, I really deserved it.

What kind of a brother does this shit?

She was mad at me, but she told our parents that there was nothing wrong when they

asked why she looked so upset, and for that I was grateful. I didn't need to take their shit …

not with all of these fucked up things going through my mind and body.

Eventually, after I spent seven whole days without her speaking one word to me, I went

to her room and apologized for all I was worth. I begged her to forgive me, and she did, but

she also asked why I had done it.

Of course, I couldn't tell her the truth. Seriously, how could I tell my own twin that I

lusted after her? So, I settled on a stupid lie. I told her that I’d drunk some Scotch I'd stolen

from my parents' liquor cabinet, and I’d mistaken her for someone else.

Lily wasn't naïve; I knew that. She was so smart, and she liked to investigate everything.

She was always following the evidence to uncover the truth about whatever she wanted to

know.

Guess she got that from Henry.

Even so, she didn't ask anything further, and I didn't know why. Did I want anything

else but that, though? No! Either she bought it or she didn't; it was fine with me either way

as long as she didn't ask any more questions or cause me to hate myself even more than I

already did.

After that, we kind of got back to our "normal." Well, from her side we did, but not

from mine. We talked to each other like nothing had ever happened between us; we … or

rather
she
preferred to ignore it. Even so, I saw it in her eyes when she avoided my touch

every time I came closer to her, which I did
very
rarely
. I missed how we were before that

summer.

Me? I didn't say much, but when she started a conversation, I couldn't make eye contact

with her most of the time. I couldn't talk to her about anything the way I used to—back

when I could tell her everything—before that
bikini
happened.

I hated it so much more than anyone could even imagine. I knew since that first time I

masturbated while thinking of her that I'd lost my sister—or at least my feelings that I'd had

for her as a sister… Or, maybe, those feelings were still there, but were mixed with lust and

desire.

Fuck!

I didn't know. The worst thing was that the only person I could ever have heart-to-heart

talks with was the last one I could talk to about what was bothering me most. I spent so

many days, weeks, and even months wondering
why
? Why had this happened to us? To
us

among of all of siblings? Why me and her? I loved her the most, and I knew she felt the

same way, so why did it have to be ruined by the fucking lustful ache that I held for her?

Fucking why?

I never got an answer.

One whole year passed in this exact same fashion. I tried to keep as little of her

company as I could, and she tried to pretend nothing had ever happened between us. She

changed, and I don't just mean her body, which had become that of a more desirable woman

with every new day. No, her actions towards me changed, too.

She never slept in my room again, never held my hand while we took walks, never lay

on my lap while we watched movies. She pretty much made every effort to avoid touching

me.

She might've been talking with me like before, still laughing with me, making me laugh,

or even laughing
at
me. Maybe she acted like it was all fine, but I knew she never forgot what

I did. Maybe part of her didn't actually forgive me as she’d said.

All I could do was just wait for the days to pass—not knowing where I'd go with this or

if I'd ever be able to not desire her that much (or even at all if that was possible).

That year passed with me doing nothing more than jerking off. Sometimes, because of a

new top or new blouse she wore, sometimes because she bent down to pick up something

from the floor and put that delicious ass of hers right in front of my eyes to ogle, and other

times simply because of the scent of her shampoo or a sweet smile she had given me.

Oh, the smile…

I could still see it like it had just happened a moment ago. Like we were still in the water

with my arms surrounding her and hers surrounding me. There was that second when she

looked up at me and flashed me that perfect smile; I almost drooled, but instead, I pressed

my lips to hers.

Fuck it! I could still taste her.

I brought my fingertips up to touch my lips at the thought, remembering the feeling of

those delicate lips on them, and how it—

"What are you doing?" Lily's voice interrupted my thoughts—the thoughts that were

only about her; everything was about her.

I put my hand back on my lap right away. I was sitting on the couch in the living room

pretending to be watching TV, but the truth was: I was only busy having lustful thoughts

about my sister. "Nothing much." I stayed focused on the big flat screen.

"I'm bored. Do you want to watch a movie with me?"

"Sure." I readjusted myself on the couch and made room for her, since it was the best

place in the living room to watch TV.

"Cool! What do you want to watch?" she asked, and I had to look up at her. It would

have been too rude of me to continue to avoid looking at her while she was talking to me.

"Whatever you want." I offered her a small smile.

"Okay. Just remember you said that," she chuckled lightly, and I just smiled. I knew

she'd put on some chick movie, but I didn't want to argue with her.

Arguing meant I'd have to look at her, and I'd always end up in the bathroom, grabbing

the shit out of my dick… Yeah, of course I liked the feeling of the orgasms, but I hated the

thoughts that helped me to get off—thoughts of my sister.

"Ta da!" she sang once the title of the movie appeared on the screen.

"Oh, c'mon!"

"I warned you, so suck it up!" She stuck her tongue out at me.

I turned my eyes away from her immediately, then took one of the small pillows that

Mom had put all over the couches, chairs, and even the floor, and I put it on my lap to hide

my instant hard-on, doing my best not to let out a moan at the sight of that rosy tongue of

hers.

It wasn't just the sight of her tongue that caused my wood; it was the damn thought

about what could I do with it and—

Stop it, Adrian! Just fucking stop it!

I don’t know how much time I spent on that couch, drowning in my thoughts. I almost

came in my pants a couple of times at the sound of her sighs.

"Even though I love this movie so much, I still hate how it ends," she said, sighing

again.

"Yeah, Romeo… He killed his love with his stupidity." I stared at the screen, trying to

do anything other than drool all over my sister, and I saw her shaking her head in sorrow out

of the corner of my eye.

"I envy him though," I continued.

"Why is that?"

"His powerful will to actually commit suicide," I whispered.

Her head shot to my direction. "You envy him because he was strong enough to kill

himself?"

"Yeah…"

"Adrian, what are you saying?"

"I … uh … I thought about it befo—" Before I could finish, I felt a sting on the back

of my head. She’d smacked me.

"Ouch!" I whined as I rubbed the back of my head. "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Don't you freaking dare say or even
think
about that again. Do you freaking hear me?"

she said through clenched teeth, pointing her finger at my face.

I wanted to answer, but before I could say anything, I saw her eyes glistening with

unshed tears.

What the fuck did I say?

"Hey!" I reached for her hand to comfort her, but she shrugged it away roughly and ran