Midnight Sky (Dark Sky Book 2) (14 page)

Sawyer put his cutlass on the table and hopped down from the crate. He crossed the distance between us in three long strides, and was suddenly so close that I couldn’t see anything but him.

“That’s why you think you need to apologize? You think that you weren’t brave when you stood up to Davin? When you warned us? Claire,” he wrapped his hands around my biceps, steadying me, “you were incredible. Stop apologizing. Nothing that’s happened has been your fault. If anything, we should be the ones apologizing to you.” He glanced down. “I never should have let you out of my sight. I tried to keep an eye on you, but…”

“You didn’t have any control over what happened to me, Sawyer,” I whispered. “I don’t blame you for it.”

His eyes lifted slightly, stopping at the bandage on my neck. He reached out, the tips of his fingers brushing my bare skin beneath the patch of fabric. His touch was feather light and so gentle, I could have sworn that I imagined it.
 

Sawyer kept his eyes on the bandage, shame haunting his eyes. “You should.”

I grasped his fingers and pulled them away from my neck. I held them close to my chest. His gaze followed our hands, not yet reaching my eyes. I wrapped my hands around both of his, rubbing his warm, callused palms.

“Well, I don’t. I’m alive, and I’m here.” I slid one of my hands down his forearm and used the other to press his hand against my cheek. “I’m here.”

With excruciating slowness, Sawyer finally looked into my eyes. Watching me with uncertainty, and… something that looked like awe. I smiled softly at him, hoping I had finally gotten through to him. That he would be able to let go of whatever burdens he was placing on himself, the anxieties he was trying to hide.

I knew there was more to him. I knew he could pretend to be distant and callous all he wanted. I’d seen how he cared for Nash and Gemma. I’d heard him make Abby laugh. I knew he pretended to be indifferent when Moira fussed over him, though he never pushed her away.

Then there was this–the way he was looking at me. Like I was the last thing keeping his head above water.

His thumb slid down the side of my face to the corner of my mouth, barely touching my lips. It was enough to flush my skin with warmth, and make my heart ache and race at the same time. He told me he didn’t want to be with me, that I wouldn’t be safe. But he was so open right now, so vulnerable that I could see the truth he didn’t want me to see.
 

Sawyer looked at my lips, his golden eyes heated with desire. I stepped closer, wrapping one of my hands around the back of his neck, willing to close this distance between us if he wasn’t going to–

He suddenly dropped his head. I froze in place, still achingly close to him. I might as well have been standing across the room with my back to him.

“How do you do this?” he whispered. “How do you sink into me when no one else can?”

I was hesitant to say anything that would push him away. All I could think of was, “You don’t have to push people away, Sawyer. You do what you can to keep us safe. You’ve never done wrong by us.”

His laugh was short and bitter. It turned into a heavy, pained sigh. “It’s not enough.”

He unlatched from me and stepped back.
No
, my mind begged,
Don’t do this, not again, don’t run–

Sawyer straightened his spine and looked in my eyes. All that openness I’d seen began to fade. “You were strong, smart, and brave on that skiff. Because of me, you were almost kidnapped. Because of me, you could have died.” His golden eyes darkened, and I knew I was losing him. “After what happened with Davin, I’m thinking about making Nash your bodyguard instead of Riley.”

I stepped back, seeing his eyes harden. He wouldn’t open to the topic again. He wanted a fight. And he picked the perfect target.

Frustration replaced my misery. “Riley didn’t do anything wrong.”

He narrowed his eyes. “Davin grabbed you and got you on a skiff. If we hadn’t left when we did, you could be across the Breach by now. We’d never find you.”

“Riley knows where the Breach is. He would get you through.”

“And why does he know where it is? Why would the Hellions let him find out? Why take Riley to the Vesper, but not Abby when the Vesper knew she was your sister? Something doesn’t add up with him, and it’s going to get you hurt.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Being the son of a Sky Guard doesn’t make him a soldier. He’d be a better spy–”

“Would you stop with that?” I barked. “What possible reason could he have for spying on us? Even if you were right–and you’re not–he has no way of contacting the Hellions. Riley is human.”

“That doesn’t mean he can’t betray us.”

“To what possible end?”

“I don’t know! And that’s what’s scaring me!”

Sawyer’s revelation muted me. He didn’t notice, and continued on his tirade.
 

“When I was fighting Davin on that skiff, I was trying to kill him. All I saw was red. I forgot about where I was, his skill, my crew, even you. All of it was gone. Nothing else crossed my mind.” Sawyer’s eyes blazed like embers in a roaring fire. “And then
he
was there. In my head, calling me, pulling me back from what I was supposed to do. He got into my mind, Claire. Just like the Vesper did to your sister.”

“That makes no sense. Riley didn’t want you to die, he was trying to save you–”

“That’s not what it felt like.” Sawyer’s voice was ragged. Scared. “It felt like he was manipulating me. I heard his voice, and I stopped. All the rage was gone. I thought it was because I saw you… in Nash’s arms. That’s what it should have been. But that’s not what happened. I know it isn’t.”

He turned around, showing me his back. He started pacing, shoving his hands through his hair and pulling at the ends. I barely heard his next whisper.

“I don’t know what he did to me.”

“Sawyer,” I cautioned, approaching him, “listen to yourself. You’re not making any sense. Riley was trying to help you. You have to trust me–”

He whirled around. “I do. But I don’t trust
him
. I know you don’t want to see it Claire, but he’s hiding something. I can feel it in my bones. When I get that feeling, I’m never wrong.”

I hesitated, and then he crossed the distance again. His hands curled around my upper arms and pulled me close. My heart leaped when I thought he was about to kiss me. He stopped just short of it, but I could still smell his cedar-like musk and feel the warmth of his breath.
 

“Promise me you won’t trust him. Not until you know the absolute truth about his time on the
Behemoth.
Not until he tells you everything.”

Desperation filled his eyes. He was all but begging me to take his side. He wanted my permission to condemn Riley and throw him into the cold.

Between this and earlier shame, I had no idea what was tearing him apart–if all the things he said were truly troubling him, or if there was something else underneath it all. Something he was keeping from me. It wouldn’t have been the first time.

I slowly pulled his hands away from my shoulders. I pushed them against his chest. Riley was my friend. I knew he was innocent. I wouldn’t condone anything that would get him hurt. There were bags under Sawyer’s eyes and heaviness around his shoulders. He hadn’t slept, and it was wearing on his mind.

“He saved my life, Sawyer. He’s trying to help Abby. He knows where the Breach is. He’s a good man, and I trust him. Davin messing with you. He wants you to be sloppy and make mistakes. That’s how he’ll take advantage of you.”
It’s how he’ll kill you.

Sawyer hardly moved, yet the strife in his eyes remained. A battle raged inside him, its sides unknown to me. But I could see the losses, the pain he was bearing. It twisted my heart to see him like this, knowing he wouldn’t let me help him. He would shut me out. When I reached out to touch his face, he stepped back.

Knowing that’s what he would do didn’t lift the weight from my heart.

“You’re right,” he muttered. “I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I’m not like this.” He took the cutlass from the table behind him and sheathed it into the scabbard on his belt. “If you want to see Abby before we leave, this is the time.”
 

“Sawyer...”

He was already walking past me, acting as though he didn’t hear my silent plea. Maybe he hadn’t. The prospect didn’t seem so bad. It was better than thinking he heard the pain in my voice, and chose to ignore it.

***

A foolish part of me hoped that Gemma and Riley were lying about Abby’s condition. They knew how much my sister meant to me. If she so much as suffered a paper cut, I would overreact.
 

Walking into the cabin of the
Dauntless Wanderer
and seeing her on the bed almost brought me to tears.

I stood in the doorway, struggling to breathe and feeling my heart strangle in my throat, looking at the tiny form on the bed. The little girl twisted in the sheets had pasty, grey skin and hollow cheeks. The night shirt and pants she wore hung over her frail body, so thin I could probably curl my thumb and pinky around her wrist. If I lifted the shirt, I would likely be able to count her ribs. Even her hair seemed to lose its life, the shimmering blonde curls now replaced with lackluster yellow snarls and tangles. Dark spots circled her eyes, her lips chapped and peeling. There was no pink to her cheeks, no signs of life other than the beads of sweat on her sickly skin and the rapid rise and fall of her chest. She was the breathing corpse of the sister I loved.

Each step I took to the bed seemed heavier than the last. I was trapped in a nightmare, dragging my feet to the bed where she was bound to the bedposts with ropes around wrists and ankles. I touched her hand and winced at the icy chill of her skin. The ridges of her knuckle and finger bones stuck out clearly. My baby sister looked like an old woman on her deathbed.
 

I knew that Gemma had been grim when she announced to me that it would happen, that it was Abby’s own idea, and that Nash had to physically restrain Moira until she would listen, but that didn’t make seeing it any easier. She didn’t deserve to be tied like this. Given her weakened state, how could she be seen as a threat to anyone?

I choked on a sob. I couldn’t bear it. I started tugging at the bonds, working to free her. Abby’s eyes snapped open and locked on mine.

“Don’t!”

Her voice was raspy and broken, like she was being strangled and trying to beg for mercy.

“Don’t untie me.”

The pain in her voice crushed my heart again. “Abigail…”

“Please, Claire. I’ll hurt you.”

I looked at her, seeing the red bleeding into her irises. The white was almost completely gone. About a quarter of green remained. She was slipping away from me.
 

“I hurt Nash,” she whimpered, still watching me with frightful, bloody eyes. Tears made her irises glisten. “I couldn’t stop. I was just so hungry, and that Hellion was telling me to.” Tears burst from her eyes. “I didn’t mean to do it, Claire! You have to believe me!”

I bent over her, looking past the disease infecting her, searching for the sister I loved.
 

“It’s okay, Abby. I know you didn’t. We all know that. But you can’t stay like this.”
I
couldn’t let her stay like this.

Tentatively, I reached for the bonds again.

“Don’t touch me!” she screamed.

I yanked my hands back, staring at her in shock. Tears still wetted Abby’s eyes, but there was ferocity to them now. A primal danger to them that would not be ignored, and was barely controlled.
 

“You don’t understand, I can’t shut him out. He can get into my head whenever he wants to. He wants me to hurt you, Claire. He wants you to pay for what Mommy and Daddy did.”

It had never been so hard to look in my baby sister’s eyes. “Did he say why?”

She shook her head, limp curls sticking to the sweat on her face. “He just keeps saying the same thing over and over and over again. He’ll finish what they started.” Fresh tears lined her eyelids. “Why is he doing this, Claire? What does he want?”

I gingerly plucked the hair from her face, stroking the top of her head carefully. “I don’t know, Abby. I wish I did. But it’ll be okay. We’re going to stop him. We might have a special machine to shut the Breach.”

Abby’s thin body relaxed, but the terror remained on her face.

“I’m scared. I don’t want to be one of those things. I want to be me.”

She broke my heart then, but I forced a smile to my face. I had to give her hope, though I felt mine dwindling away. This burden was too much. I was a compass with no arrow. Useless until I had the pieces that would fix me.

“You will be,” I promised. “I won’t let you become one of them, Abigail. You’re going to leave this cabin. You’ll live a new life. When the Breach is closed, the Hellions will never bother you again. Someday the nightmares will go away.”

The hope in her eyes was tainted by the redness of the Hellion disease. “They will?”

I nodded, reminding myself to keep the smile on my face. Abby had to believe what I was telling to her, and I needed this moment. I needed to see the look on my sister’s face, to have it burned in my memory before I went to the Barren.

“They will,” I guaranteed. “It won’t be right away, but you’ll see. Things will get better for you, Abby. You just need to fight this. Promise me you’ll keep him out.”

She winced. “I can’t. He’s too strong.”

I shook my head. “You’re stronger. I know you are. Promise me you won’t give up. No matter what happens.”

Abby’s confidence wavered, but between the smile on my face and warmth in my eyes, I convinced her. She nodded.

“Okay. I promise.”

My smile was genuine this time. I lowered my face and pressed a kiss to her forehead. It was like kissing melting ice.
 

“Riley left something on the table for you,” I said when I pulled back. “I found it at home.”

Abby looked confused. “Home?”

“Our old home. The one I used to live in with Mom and Dad.”

Abby’s eyes widened. “You went back there? What was it like?”