Minecraft: Diary of a Minecraft Zombie Book 4: Zombie Swap (An Unofficial Minecraft Book) (Minecraft, Minecraft Books, Minecraft Books for Kids, Minecraft Diary, Minecraft Handbook, Herobrine) (4 page)

Sunday

The villagers I live with invited me to dinner tonight with the Priest that runs the town.

They said that all of the important villagers in the town would be there.

I didn’t know what that meant. But I said yes anyway.

I thought, this would be the perfect opportunity for me to be my Zombie self again.

So the first thing I did was to make sure I smelled right.

There was a pig farmer in the village, so I decided to roll around with the pigs for a little while.

One thing I love about pigs is that out of all of the different animals, they smell the closest to what Zombies smell like.

I made sure to rub some cow pies on me too, to add a bit more zest to the mix.

My breath was only a little stinky because I didn’t brush my teeth this morning. So I decided to spice it up with a little help of some stinky gym socks I was saving for a rainy day.

My clothes didn’t have enough holes on them, so I tore a few more.

And what really topped it off, was a nice infestation of maggots in my hair, ears and clothes.

I had a bunch left over, so I just kept the rest in my pocket for a snack later.

Aaahhh. I felt like my old self again.

I thought, “Look Out Overworld! Look Out villagers! Zombie Steve is here!”

I got lost on my way to the Priests house. So, I tried to ask for directions. But people were just looking at me with that same confused look on their face, all over town.

I wonder if there’s something in the water that’s making them look like that? Too much of that can’t be good for you, I thought.

So I finally found the Priest’s house, and it was really, really big. I think they said that the Priest is the Mayor of the village, whatever that means. It probably just means you have a big house.

I knocked and a waiter villager answered the door. Again, he had that confused look on his face. But this time he ran away holding his mouth like if he had a bug that was trying to get out or something.

That happens to Zombies all the time whenever the tapeworms in our stomachs grow too big. When they start coming out, I like to play with them and act like I have a really long tongue.

Well, I went in, and after walking around for a few minutes, I finally found the dining room.

As soon as I walked in, I saw a bunch of villagers in different colored robes.

All of a sudden, their faces changed color. One lady turned blue. Another man turned purple. One guy turned really white. And another villager turned green.

It was really cool. I didn’t know humans could change colors like that.

What was even cooler was how they made their faces match the color of their robes. What control! I thought.

I saw an empty seat so I sat down in it. It’s was actually the seat right next to the Priest and his wife. I pulled my hand out of my pocket to shake hands with the Priest’s wife, but I forgot that I had a pocket full of maggots.

“Oops. Sorry about that. I forgot I had some extra maggots in my pocket. Does anybody wants some?”

Next thing I know everybody at the table starts puking.

What was really cool was how they puked one right after the other, all around the table. It reminded me of the Zombie wave we used to do when my dad would take me to Zombie baseball games.

Now it started to feel like home.

The villagers I live with were running a little late. So when they got there, all of the other villagers were either sleeping on the table, under the table, or on the floor.

I was just having fun making vomit angels on the floor, like I do at home with my Mom and Dad. There wasn’t the usual amount of vomit that we have when we play at home, but it was still cool.

The villagers’ eyes got real big and their mouths were hanging open.

Then they started making a funny noise… “HURRRRR, HURRRRR, HURRRRR.” Was all they would say.

“HURRRRR, HURRRRR, HURRRRR.” Was all they said on the way home, too.

I guess they must have been really sad they missed all the fun.

I thought it was a really nice dinner, if you ask me.

Alex called me later and asked me what happened. She said that half of the town was hysterical because of what happened at the Mayor’s house.

I told her that I took her advice and that I was going to “Be myself so I could be more like Steve.” And it worked out great!

All I heard on the other side of the phone was the sound, “Doh!”

“Hey Zombie…” She said.

“Yeah, Alex?” 

“Never mind…” She said as she closed the phone.

Wow, I’m finally starting to fit in around here.

Sweet.

Monday

I woke up this morning, and there was a bucket full of stuff next to my bed.

On the side of the bucket was a big sign that said, “USE ME, PLEASE!!!”

Inside the bucket was a bunch of stuff I had never seen before.

There was a bottle of something called SHAM-POO. It said you’re supposed to put it on your hair.

And I thought only Zombies put poo in their hair. Cool.

There was a really big toothbrush in the bucket. It was so big, I thought the person who uses this thing must have teeth as big as my head.

There was a sign on it that said it was something called a SCRUB-BRUSH.

Then there was a tube of something called TOOF-PAYST, which said it goes with something called MOUF-WASH.

There was also a bottle of something called LO-SHIN, that looked kinda creamy like Mushroom stew.

And there was a big bar of SO-AP, which I’ve already seen before.

Inside the bucket was instructions on how to use everything.

I thought I would read the instructions while I got in the SHA-WUR, to save time.

But then the paper melted!

Man, what was I supposed to do with all this stuff now?

I tried calling Alex, but for some reason the phone stopped working.

I thought maybe I pressed the wrong button. But, it was hard to read the numbers with all that water spraying all over the place.

I guess I have to figure it out by myself, I thought.

So, I got out of the SHA-WUR, and grabbed the bottle of SHAM-POO.

I poured the whole bottle on my head.

I didn’t think it smelled like poo at all.

But, I finally realized why it’s so much better to be a Zombie, and to not have eyes.

Then I grabbed the brush and I put the TOOF-PAYST on it.

But I had the hardest time trying to fit the brush in my mouth.

I think this brush was made for somebody like Mutant, I thought.

So I kept pushing until I finally got it in my mouth.

I had a really hard time moving it around though.

I grabbed the bottle of MOUF-WASH and used the whole thing.

Good thing I had it too. I was really thirsty.

The bottle of LO-SHIN said I needed to use it on my hands and my face.

So I opened it up and poured it all over my face. Kind of felt like the vomit baths Mom used to give me when I was a kid. But it didn’t smell as good.

I didn’t know what to do with the bucket, so I just put it on my head like I saw some other Zombies do back home.

I was actually pretty proud of myself.

And, I was really excited to show the villagers how good I looked.

When I came downstairs, all the villagers dropped what they were doing.

Then they started making that funny noise again.

“HUURRRRRRR…HUURRRRRRR…”

I wonder if that sound means that they’re really happy, I thought.

Cool.

I ran into Alex on my way to school, and she just looked at me…Confused.

She took me by the hand and led me all the way to the back of the school.

She took the bucket off of my head, and walked over to where there was a large hose.

All of a sudden water came out of the hose and hit me right in the face.

“HEEEEYYYYYY!!! Why’d you do that for?” I yelled as I stood there soaking wet.

“Trust me. It was for your own good.” She said.

After, she dried me with a bunch of paper towels.

“Wow, you smell really nice.” She said.

I didn’t think so…

Tuesday

Today, I realized that if I didn’t want to get killed during the PVP Hunger Games Death Match Tournament, then I needed to get ready.

So, I decided to do some Tree Punching exercises.

Hey, if Steve can punch a tree, so can I.

I found a tree nearby that was nice and thick and strong.

I was trying to remember what Steve did when he punched trees.

I always thought it was the weirdest thing to punch trees. But I would always catch Steve doing it.

I just couldn’t understand how he did it without losing any fingers or anything.

Well, here it goes…

WHAAAMMM!

“YYYEEEEEOOOOWWW!!!!!!”

Man, that hurt!

I must’ve done it wrong. Because it hurt like crazy.

Maybe I hit it with the wrong hand. Let me try again…

WHAAAMMM!

“YYYEEEEEOOOOWWW!!!!!!”

Uuuurrrgghhh! Why is this not working?!!!

Maybe this is just a dumb tree! I bet if I kicked it, it’ll break…

WHAAAMMM!

“YYYEEEEEOOOOWWW!!!!!!”

Uuuuurrrgghhh! Oh Man, I think I broke my foot!

This reminded me of when I took my Zombie Karate test.

What did the teacher say again? “Good work using your head?”

Well…What have I got to lose…

WHAAAMMM!

POP!

Hey! I did it! A tree block just popped out of the tree!

Well, I may not be able to punch a tree with my hand, or kick it with my foot…

But when the time comes, I can always beat my head against a tree until I figure it out.

But, oooohhh, my head really hurts…

Wednesday

Today I had a class that was supposed to teach you how to survive during a Zombie Apocalypse.

It was taught by Master Sergeant Fuller B. Loney again.

Man, I hope I can keep it together for this class, I thought.

“Zombies are dumb, ugly and walk real slow, which puts you at an advantage.” He said. “And as long as you follow the rules I give you, not only can you survive a Zombie Apocalypse, but you can also keep a Zombie as a pet if you want to.”

What?!!!

“Rule number 1…Build a strong shelter where you can go to for the night.” He said.

Man, that won’t work, I thought. Zombies can bang down doors you know. Duh!

“Rule number 2…Make sure you gather enough food for the night.”

Yeah, cause if you don’t we’re going to get you! He, he…

“Rule number 3…Make weapons that allow you to kill Zombies with the least amount of strikes, like an enchanted sword or enchanted bow and arrow.”

Huh…You can do that?

“Rule number 4…Block Zombies from getting into your shelter by using fences, slabs, and carpets. You can get out, but they can’t get in.”

Are you serious?

“Rule number 5…Try to trick Zombies into going into water.”

Yeah, like that’s going to happen…

“Rule number 6…Set up traps around your shelter that will completely annihilate any Zombies. You can use fire, lava, cactus, TNT and sand blocks dropping on their head.”

Man…These guys are serious...

“Rule number 7…Zombies hate wolves, so get yourself a pack of pet wolves to protect you and your shelter.”

I thought Mom said I was just allergic to those things…

“Rule number 8…Try to lure a Zombie next to the edge of a cliff. Knock the Zombie off with one blow of your sword, bow and arrow, or even your hand.”

OMG!

“Rule number 9…Try to knock a creeper into a group of Zombies to do optimal damage. If you can knock a charged creeper into them, even better. You can put on the dropped Zombie heads as camouflage or just use it as a cool trophy to hang on your wall.”

I think I’m gonna be sick…

“Rule number 10…Keep the Zombies occupied as long as possible until sunrise. Then they’ll catch on fire and you can use their rotten flesh as a quick breakfast.”

BBBLLLEEEEECCCHHH!!!!!! Splat!

So much for keeping it together…