Mirror Image (34 page)

All my life I've been reading about things, going to meetings, caring
about causes, I've always been on the sidelines, I've never done
anything important. I've never done anything for anyone .. . not like
you, you do it in small ways, but you make a difference. I've done
nothing." She sounded so determined that it frightened her sister.

Olivia realized again that they were, in fact, very different.

"Stay here, and you can fold linens for me. You don't have to go
anywhere. You can help me replant the garden .. . oh Victoria, " she
sobbed, "don't go .. . please .. . what if something happens to you?

" She couldn't bear the thought of it, of losing her for a day or an
hour, let alone forever. It was hard enough getting used to her living
in New York, but at least it was only an hour away.

And it took all of Olivia's self-control constantly not to be there with
her.

"Nothing will happen to me, I swear." The two sisters held each other
close in the room they had slept in together for twenty years until
Victoria's wedding, and now without her, even the room seemed too empty.

"I can't live like this anymore. We're all wrong for each other.

We'll have to leave each other eventually, or maybe after I go away,
things will be different."

"Why don't you tell him that, " Olivia said sensibly, blowing her nose
in her handkerchief, "why don't you explain it to him. He's an
intelligent man, he might understand it."

"He'll never let me go, " Victoria said with certainty, and Olivia
couldn't honestly tell her she disagreed with her.

"And if I take your place? " Olivia looked at her pensively.

"Then they'll think I've gone? " Olivia suddenly looked startled It was
so unlike her.

"We could say you've gone to California for a few months, just to think,
because it's so hard for you without me."

"Every one will think I'm a monster leaving Father. So do I. So will he,
" she said, shaking her head again. She just couldn't do it.

But Victoria had actually made her think about it.

"I think Father would understand, " Victoria said hopefully, amazed that
the conversation had gone this far, and suddenly very excited.

And then Olivia looked at her and shook her head. She had thought of
something else. It was impossible. She was not going to do that for her
sister.

But Victoria already knew what she was thinking. "He won't touch you.

There's nothing between us anymore. Not in months. And there won't be
again. Neither of us want it." Olivia was shocked to hear it.

All this time, she had been hoping there would be a baby.

"Why? " He seemed so vital and so alive and so warm, and he was still so
young. She couldn't understand it, and wondered suddenly if it was her
sister who had ordained it.

"I don't know why, " Victoria said thoughtfully, "too many ghosts .
.. Susan .. . Toby .. . something's wrong between us, we both knew it. I
think it's just that we don't love each other."

"I don't believe that, " Olivia said firmly.

"It's true, " Victoria said, looking hard at her, "we don't. I don't
love him, Ollie. I don't think I ever will. It's not there and it never
will be."

"And when you come back? What will be different then? "

"Maybe I'll have the courage to really leave him." Olivia was devastated
to hear it.

"And if I don't switch for you? "

"I'll leave anyway. I won't tell him where I've gone, I don't want him
to find me. I'll come back when I'm ready. I'll write to you, at the
house on Fifth Avenue. You can pick the letters up there easily and no
one will know." She had given it a great deal of thought and Olivia was
even more shocked as she listened.

The biggest stumbling block for her was their father. She was afraid
she'd break his heart, and yet the tie between the twins was stronger
than the tie to him, and even she knew it. She always felt pulled by
everything her sister wanted. And yet, this was utter madness and she
knew it. She couldn't take her place with a husband and a child, it was
an insane thing to do, and then she thought of Geoffrey.

"He would know, Victoria. He's the only one we can't fool, except for
Bertie."

"You can if you want to, if you act more like me. Don't be so nice to
him, " she grinned, and Olivia wagged a finger at her.

"Shame on you. How can you say that? "

"Because I'm awful and I love you .. . all right, I'll be nicer to him
for the next three weeks, and to Charles, and then it won't be such a
big change for them when you take my place. I'll stop smoking entirely
.. . oh God, what a thought .. ." she grinned, "and I'll only have a
little sherry, and only when Charles offers it to me." She was smiling
from ear to ear and Olivia looked like a recalcitrant bride as she
glared at her sister.

"Those are major sacrifices, " she said
sarcastically and then looked
seriously at her sister. What makes you think I'm going to do it?

" she said coyly.

"Are you? " Victoria held her breath as she waited.

"I don't know."

"Will you think about it? "

"Maybe." It was a chance to be with them, and more importantly an
opportunity to keep Victoria from completely destroying her marriage. If
Olivia took her place, she might be able to keep Charles from ever
knowing she'd been gone, and then Victoria could come back and resume
everything, having come to her senses. He might never know anything had
ever happened.

But if Olivia didn't take her place, Victoria would simply leave in
three weeks, and slam the door carelessly behind her.

Perhaps keeping her from doing that was even more important than caring
for their father. And she'd be nearby. She would be in New York, she
could come up any time he needed her. She knew it wouldn't be the same
thing, but it was the best she could do if she was mending Victoria's
fences.

"Will you? " Victoria was watching her, seeing everything she was
thinking. "He'll be all right, and you won't be far."

"No, I won't, but he'll think I've gone running off without a care for
him. That's a terrible thing to do, " Olivia said sadly.

"Maybe you owe him that, " Victoria said far more unkindly. "He thinks
nothing of keeping you here for the rest of your life, taking care of
him, so you can't find a husband." There was a certain truth to that but
Olivia laughed at the way she said it.

"I don't want a husband, thank you very much, " she said firmly.

"I'm fine as I am." But if things had been different, and Victoria
hadn't married Charles, she might have loved being with him. She would
never know now. She couldn't even let herself think it. Even if she took
her sister's place, it would only be for a short time, and to help all
of them, not for her own gain, or just to be with him. She would never
have done it for just that reason, she told herself, and tried
desperately to believe it, fearing suddenly that the whole idea was far
too attractive.

"You can have my husband, " Victoria said happily, "for as long as you
like. Three months or forever." She was teasing but not entirely and
Olivia looked shocked. Victoria hadn't entirely forgotten that Olivia
had once been somewhat taken with him, but that was long past, and she
also knew that Olivia would never have tried to take her husband from
her. She was far too decent, loyal, and honest.

And Olivia's emotions were well in control now. She had never let
herself think of Charles romantically since the day they'd been married,
and she genuinely wanted him to be happy with her sister.

"You'd better come back at the end of the summer, or I'll tell everyone
the truth and come over to get you myself, " Olivia said emphatically,
and victoria laughed.

They'd probably put us both in jail.

"And you'd probably like that." Olivia groaned at the thought.

"I might. victoria laughed again and threw her arms around her sister,
praying she would do it. It was the first glimpse of freedom she'd had
ever since her disastrous affair with Toby. And she had paid a high
price for her sins with him. Now she wanted her freedom. "Please say you
ll do it, Olivia .. . please .. . I'll behave for the rest of my life, I
swear. I'll knit doilies for you .. . shine your shoes .

.

. I ll never ask you to switch again. Just do it for me now, please ...
"Only if you promise to come back and be an wife and mother.

-------no But victoria's smile faded at that request and she looked
pensive.

"I can't promise you that. I don't know what will happen. Maybe he won't
want me back, she said, thinking aloud.

"Then he must never know you were gone, Olivia said softly. When do you
leave? "

"On May first." It was three weeks away, almost time enough to prepare
their father, and do anything else she had to do before stepping into
victoria's shoes. The two women exchanged a long hard glance, and then
slowly Olivia nodded. Victoria let out a victorious whoop, and they
embraced and for an insane moment, Olivia was startled to realize she
actually felt elated. They talked about it excitedly for the next few
minutes, like two extremely naughty children with an outrageous plan, as
Olivia wondered what she had gotten herself into.

She was sure that in the next few weeks there would be doubts, but she
was equally sure that victoria would never let her back out now.

They walked downstairs arm in arm, and Geoffrey was in the front hall,
playing with his cannon, and instinctively they both knew what they had
to do, without saying a word to each other. Victoria slipped her left
hand in her pocket so he wouldn't see her wedding ring, and smiled
warmly down at him.

"That looks like a great game, she beamed, and then tousled his hair
gently. Can I interest you in some lemonade and cookies? He beamed up at
her adoringly and then shot twelve of his little soldiers with the
cannon, and knocked them down as Olivia frowned at him.

"I wish you wouldn't play that game. it's so stupid, she said, walking
coolly by him, waiting to see if he would believe her. But he cast an
uninterested glance over his shoulder and went back to his game with a
muttered apology.

"Sorry, victoria, Dad said I could .. . And then he winked at the woman
he thought was Ollie and wasn t. They both went out to the kitchen then
and Olivia was amazed. It was the first time they had ever fooled him.

"You'll be fine, victoria whispered to her, as Olivia poured the glass
of lemonade for Geoffrey, wondering if she would be just as lucky with
his father.

Chapter 19.

The hardest part of leaving, for Olivia, was figuring out what to say to
her father. He was feeling better than he had in months these days,
stronger too, and he was even thinking about going to New York to visit
his daughter, but Olivia told him she didn't think he should yet.

It would complicate everything if he did. She reminded him that Victoria
and Geoff were both coming up in June, to spend the month with them, and
it was only a little over a month away. He was far better off staying
comfortably at home in Croton in the meantime.

That summer Charles was renting a house for them by the sea, and Geoff
and Victoria would be in Newport for July and August. Charles had even
invited her to join them. Little did he know now that she would be with
them constantly. And by the time they got back, hopefully, the real
Victoria would be home from Europe. Olivia had already gotten her
passport out, and had it safely put away to give her sister.

"How do you suppose they're doing? " her father surprised her by asking
her one day, just as she was thinking about the letter she would have to
write to him, telling him she had gone off to California. She was going
to tell him it was a religious retreat, and pray that he believed her.

"I worry about her sometimes, " he said honestly. "Charles is a fine
man.

But one senses at times that she isn't happy with him." Olivia was
shocked by the observations of her father.

"I'm not sure that's true." It seemed safer to deny it now, in .

view of what they were going to do. "I think it's been a fairly normal
adjustment. He was very fond of his wife, I'm sure that's difficult for
him, and for Geoff .. ." But her father was right, and she knew it.

"I hope you're right. She seemed very restless when she was here, and
very nervous." Oh God .. . Olivia had to turn away from him as her eyes
filled with tears, hating the thought that in a few days she was going
to hurt him. And then he startled her even more when she turned back to
him again. "And you, my dear? You're not too lonely here with me,
without your sister? "

"I miss her sometimes .. . terribly .

.

." she said, her voice hoarse with emotion, "but I love you, Father .

.. wherever I am, I'll always love you." He saw something strange in her
eyes then, something he had seen there before, but thought was best left
unspoken.

"You're a good girl, " he patted her hand, "and I love you too, " he
said, as he walked out into the garden.

And that night, she echoed the same words to him in her letter.

She was going to take the letter to New York with her, and bring it back
when Victoria left, pretending to be her sister. It was absurdly
complicated, but it was the only way she could think of to do it. She
could hardly leave the letter here with Bertie now, and ask her to give
it to him three days later.

In the end, all she could say was that, as he had guessed, it had been
very hard for her without Victoria, and that now she must find her way
alone, and find herself. And in order to do it she had gone away for a
few months, to visit friends, and pursue a religious retreat in
California. It sounded faintly mad, even to her, but she couldn't think
of what else to tell him. She assured him that she would be safe, that
she would write to them, and that she would be back at the end of the
summer. She had said that a friend from school had invited her, but as
she and Victoria hadn't been in school for the past ten years, it was a
bit of an odd story, but she hoped he wouldn't notice.

More than anything, she assured him of how much she loved him, that he
had done nothing to drive her away, but that she needed this time for
herself, and that she would come back better and stronger, and more
devoted to him than ever. It was, in fact, exactly what she hoped for
her sister.

But her tears fell liberally I on the page as she wrote it. Her eyes
were so blurred she could hardly sign her name. And then she wrote
another to Geoff, and sealed it too, and a short one to Bertie that said
only, ".. . I'll be back soon ..

. take care of Daddy .. . I love you .. . Ollie." It was enough, she
could hardly breathe by then, and as she lay in bed the night before she
left, she wondered at the madness that had seized them.

Victoria was crazy to do what she was doing, and she was obviously
crazier for switching places with her. She only hoped that some good
would come of it, that her father's health wouldn't fail, and that
Charles didn't discover what Victoria had done, and divorce her. There
was a lot resting on Olivia's shoulders, and when she woke up the next
morning, she was determined to talk Victoria out of it, but she knew her
twin well enough to know that Victoria would die first.

Olivia kissed her father good-bye before she left, and she stood with
her arms around his neck and her cheek against his, wishing she could
stay there with him forever. It was a good life for her, and though she
might have once longed for other things, she accepted it now, and she
was genuinely going to miss him.

"Have fun in New York, and buy some pretty things for both of you, " he
told her with a warm hug, and she felt the knife of guilt slice through
her heart as she held him.

"I love you, Daddy, " she whispered. She hadn't called him that in
years, and he kissed her and went out to walk in the garden.

She was unusually silent on the ride to New York, even Donovan commented
on it afterwards. But later it all made sense to them.

She had been feeling guilty about running away to California. It would
never occur to anyone that she was still in New York, openly living with
Charles Dawson, and pretending to be her sister. That was beyond all
their imaginations.

Olivia arrived at the house at three o'clock before Geoff came home from
school, and Victoria was waiting. She was businesslike and cool, but
Olivia could also tell she was very excited. She was sailing for Europe
the next morning. Olivia had thought of coming down a few days before,
but they had both agreed that they would be too nervous and it might
arouse suspicion, and Olivia had wanted to spend as much time as
possible with their father.

She handed Victoria her passport now. She would be
traveling as Olivia Henderson, and not Victoria Dawson. The photograph
obviously did not present a problem. There were some other papers, some
keys, some notes about servants' names, things she had to know, like the
name of Charles' secretary, and Geoffs teacher, but it was all
surprisingly simple.

There were so few details, so little to do. All Olivia had to do was
step into her sister's shoes the next morning. It terrified her to think
of it.

And when Geoff came home from school, Oh-via still looked shaken.

"Is something wrong, Aunt Ollie? " he asked, looking worried.

"Is Grampa sick? "

"No, he's fine. Better than he's been in a while.

He loved your last visit." She smiled, thinking that she would have to
be careful with him from the next day on, but she noticed that Victoria
was being warmer to him these days too, in preparation for their
switching. But it also showed Olivia that she could do it. And she said
as much to Victoria when Geoff went upstairs to do his homework.

"You see, you're just as good with him as I am."

"When I'm pretending to be you." She grinned. "The rest of the time I
don't even think about it."

"Maybe you'll have to start when you get back, " Olivia said pointedly.

She was already planning for the future. In fact, she had a suspicion
that this brief interlude might actually improve their marriage.

In her fantasies, Victoria would come back, grateful for Charles,
starving for him, and desperately grateful to have a child like
Geoffrey. She would embrace them all, and Olivia would go back to
Croton. No harm done.

And they would all live happily ever after. She was sure now that
Victoria could do it. Under Victoria's spell, she had already painted a
thousand happy pictures. But it jarred her a little when Charles came
home, and Victoria suddenly prodded her unexpectedly into switching. She
was cool with him, which didn't seem to surprise him, asked him about
his day, and mentioned something she'd read in the papers. And a few
minutes later he went up to his study. He had no idea at all that he had
been talking to Olivia for the past ten minutes, and not his wife.

"You see how easy it is, " Victoria said to her, "it's just like it's
always been, no different." In truth, it was, which surprised her.

Olivia slept in Geoff's room that night, clinging to him in the narrow
bed, revelling in the last opportunity to lavish affection on him.

From the next day on, as Victoria she would have to be cooler, but
perhaps in time, in the guise of Victoria, they could grow closer. She
worried about the blow to him too, when he heard that she had gone to
California for the summer without warning. She tried to say something to
him that day, as she helped him dress to visit a friend. It was
Saturday, and Victoria had long since arranged it. Olivia looked down at
him with eyes filled with tears as she straightened his tie for him, and
prayed he wouldn't notice.

"I love you very, very much, " she said, "no matter what. You know, even
if I ever went away for a while, I'd come back. Not .. ." She choked on
the words, but went on. She had to say it. ".. . not like your mother."
She wanted him to know that she would come back to him, she would not
desert him.

"Are you going somewhere? " Geoff looked surprised as he glanced at her
and then he saw the tears. "Are you crying, Aunt Ollie? "

"No, I have a cold. And I happen to love you very much, and I'm a
stupid, sentimental old woman."

"Yeah, " he grinned at her, and then took Chip downstairs for a walk,
and they met again at the breakfast table.

She had wanted to leave Victoria alone with them, in case she wanted her
own silent good-byes with them, but Victoria seemed to need none of it.

Olivia had never seen her as cheery. She was in tremendous spirits,
chirping and laughing and talking about news of the war. She even gave
Geoffrey a kiss when he left for his friend's house, which was most
unlike her. She had really been making an effort, and she was so happy
she wasn't going to see them for three months that she almost screamed
with pleasure. And after three weeks of total restraint around them, by
that afternoon she would be smoking.

When Charles left to go to the office, as he often did on Saturday, she
was a little more cool, and he smiled and waved when he said good-bye to
Ollie.

"Try to stay out of too much mischief, you two. I have a mountain of
work to do this morning." Victoria had counted on that too, knowing that
the ship was sailing on Saturday. She'd have been in trouble if he'd
decided to stay home that day, but she knew him better than that, and if
he had, Victoria would have found a way around it. She was determined.

"Have fun, " Victoria said with gentle sarcasm, and he hurried down the
steps and that was the last she saw of her husband. When he was gone,
they went upstairs, and closed and locked the door to her bedroom.

She handed Olivia her narrow wedding band, and his mother's engagement
ring, and Olivia slowly slipped them on her finger. They fit perfectly,
there was no difference. And then Victoria looked around the room, and
then at her sister. "I guess this is it then.

"As simple as that? This is it? " Olivia looked wistful and Victoria
nodded. She was too happy to conceal it. She was sad to leave her twin,
as she always was, even for an afternoon, but she was so relieved to be
leaving her life in New York, and with Charles, behind her. She knew now
what she wished she had known eleven months before, that she never
should have married him, no matter what her father did to force her.