Monsoon Mists (28 page)

‘Perhaps if you tell me about it just this once, you will? I’ve heard people say that it helps to share thoughts, although I’ve never tried it myself.’

She sighed, capitulating. ‘There’s not much to tell really. I was seventeen and he was … well, old and repugnant to me. But he had rights. I was made to be a dutiful wife, stand still and let him …’ She tailed off, swallowing past the obstruction that appeared in her throat as the horrible images came crowding into her mind, as always.

‘Stand?’ Jamie sounded puzzled. ‘What the hell? I mean, beg your pardon but I thought we were talking about bedroom duties here?’

‘We are. It’s just that … he kept wanting to look at me. All of me. Without a stitch of clothing on. He would stare and stare, with that horrible gloating look in his eyes, as if he owned me. I mean he did, obviously, but you know, like an animal or a chattel, his to do with as he pleased. It was so humiliating. And
then
he’d touch.’ Zar felt her whole body flaming with embarrassment. Why was she telling him this? She must be mad.

She’d stopped massaging his back and he turned and found her hands in the dark, enveloping them in his big, warm, damaged ones. ‘He hurt you? And then he bedded you?’

‘Mm-hmm.’

‘He didn’t use … whips or anything, did he?’

‘What? No! No, just his hands, but they were like the claws of an animal, his fingers rough and hard, his nails long and disgusting. Grasping, squeezing, pawing.’ She shuddered at the memory, her stomach curdling. ‘I can’t bear to be touched now.’

Jamie lifted her up and pulled her onto his lap as if she were a child, putting his arms around her. One hand guided her head to rest against his shoulder, while the other stroked her back. ‘I can hold you like this though. You don’t mind?’

‘No.’ And she didn’t. This was different.

‘It’s all right,’ he whispered. ‘It will never happen again. Not that way. I won’t let it. From now on, you’ll always be safe.’

Zar closed her eyes and let the feeling of safety he promised envelop her. She wanted to believe him. Wished with all her heart that it could be true. But eventually she stirred and sighed. It was just an illusion. ‘How? I’ll never be able to marry again. Never ha-have children …’ Her voice broke on that final word, because she’d craved one so much.
A baby of my own.
Someone to love.

‘Shh, of course you will. Listen, I think I know a way to help you. But you’re going to have to put your whole trust in me. Can you do that? I’ll never hurt you. I promised you that already once.’

Zar thought about the last few days and how he’d been with her every step of the way. Protecting her, buoying up her mood, fighting for her, pulling her out of the terrifying ocean, rowing her to safety.
If I can’t trust Jamie, then who can I trust?
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘I believe so.’

‘Then please tell me truthfully – do you find me attractive? You are not repulsed by my looks or behaviour?’

‘No. Yes. I mean, I’m sure you’re fully aware that most ladies think you very handsome.’

‘I’m not concerned with “most” ladies, only you.’

Zar took a deep breath. ‘And if I do? Consider you handsome, that is?’

‘It would be a good start. In fact, it’s essential for the purposes of this exercise.’

‘Hmm, well all right then. I do.’

‘Thank you. And I think you are exceedingly lovely.’ He stroked her cheek and cupped it with his blistered palm. ‘Now have you ever thought of my kisses, my body, when I wasn’t with you? Do you desire me?’

‘Jamie! A lady isn’t supposed to think that way.’

‘To hell with that! Forget everything you’ve ever been told. All that nonsense about what’s correct, about duty. What happens between a man and a woman when both are willing is pure, wicked and delicious, and it isn’t wrong. It’s very right, trust me on that. Now confess.’ He kissed a particularly sensitive spot beneath her ear. ‘What does that make you think of?’

She squirmed and once again blessed the darkness for hiding her expression at least. ‘Very well, it makes me think of how I felt when you kissed me.’

‘Good. Anything else?’ He continued to feather kisses along her neck.

‘Um, skin?’ She decided to go a little further. ‘Warm, unclothed skin?’

‘You mean nakedness. Use bold words. The words your brain is thinking, not the ones you think you ought to say.’ He kissed the underside of her chin.

‘Naked skin,’ she repeated obediently, and hearing herself say that out loud made a frisson of awareness sizzle through her that was exciting.

‘Even better. Remember what my stubble did to your breasts?’ His voice was very husky now and that word made her shiver and sent another spark shooting downwards. ‘Did you like it?’ he prompted.

‘Yes.’ No point denying it when he could easily confirm for himself that her body remembered the episode very well indeed.

‘Then I promise you will feel that way again, but a hundredfold – no a thousandfold – more intensely. I want you to make love to me, Zarmina.’

‘N-now?’ Zar sat up and stared at his shadowy form. ‘But you just said—’

‘That I wouldn’t hurt you, yes. And I won’t. I will not lay so much as a finger on you unless you tell me to.
You
’re going to make love to
me.
’

‘I don’t understand.’

‘I’m going to lie down and I want you to touch me anywhere you please and do whatever you feel like to my body. All of it. Explore. Kiss. Tickle. Tease. Use your fingers, palms, mouth, tongue. Absolutely anything you want. Just do it. It’s time to teach your body a new lesson.’ He made her get off his lap and she felt, rather than saw, him lie down on top of her petticoat. ‘Would you like me to take my shirt off?’

Zar was too stunned to reply at first, but she thought about his invitation to do exactly what she had to admit she’d been wanting to do and forced herself to be honest. What if he was right? She did want to touch him, but how far could she go? And if she stopped, would he make her continue? She’d never find out if she didn’t try.

I have to be bold, he said.

‘I’ll remove it,’ she said, trying hard not to sound as scared as she felt.

‘Good, be my guest.’

He’d already pulled it out of the waistband of his breeches, so Zar was able to just grasp the bottom of the shirt and tug it up and over his head. She threw it to one side and ran her fingertips over his chest. More warm skin. More hard muscles. And nipples? She circled these and he made a noise like a contented cat which made her smile.

She explored lower and found a line of hair bisecting his ridged stomach. It stopped by the edge of his breeches and her fingers became timid, turning away.
It’s too soon. I can’t go that far yet.
It astonished her that she could even think of venturing that way later, but the thought was tantalising.

Could she go through with this? It was wrong in so many ways. And there could be consequences. A child. Ostracism.

To hell with it, as William would say. She would deal with that if it happened and surely doing this just once wouldn’t matter? She’d almost died out there on the vast sea, come close to ending her life without ever knowing what lovemaking was really like. Lovemaking with Jamie. She wouldn’t want to miss out on this chance to find out. She couldn’t.

‘You might like to straddle me,’ he suggested. ‘Then you can kiss me if you’re so inclined.’ She heard a smile in his voice. He was enjoying this, the scoundrel. But then, so was she …

She hesitated, then did as he’d said and sat down on his stomach. Though she made sure her chemise covered her nether regions, it was such thin cotton she still felt the hardness in his breeches branding her behind. She tried to move away from it, but couldn’t.

‘Er, best if you sit still for now. I’m not a saint,’ Jamie murmured.

‘Me just sitting on you affects you?’ she asked, worry creeping in. ‘Then how do I know you’ll be able to keep your word? I mean, can you really control yourself?’

‘I’ll manage. But I’m hoping I won’t have to. Remember, you can give me permission to move at any time.’

‘Hmm.’ Zar was acutely aware she was playing with fire here, but she liked it too much to stop yet. She decided to kiss him. That worked before, making her forget all about the past for a while.

It did so again. She placed her palms on his smooth chest and touched her lips to his. He didn’t move and let her rain little kisses on his mouth, nibble his lower lip with her teeth and lick the contours of it. He tasted of coconut and salt, a strange but delicious combination. ‘Kiss me back,’ she demanded softly.

He did and she felt him smiling at first, before she lost herself in a much deeper kiss. One that sent flames shooting all the way down to her toes, even though he was only using his tongue.

‘Damn, you’re a master at this, aren’t you,’ she muttered.

‘Language!’ He chuckled. ‘Of course I am. I told you, I’m not a saint. Saints are boring. Trust me, you wouldn’t like one kissing you.’

Shaking slightly, she scraped his chin ever so lightly with her nails, then moved on to kiss his throat, his chest and, backing up a bit, his stomach. His skin smelled of sea and wind, with a faint tang of sandalwood soap, and she loved it. Again, she stopped at the waistband of his breeches.

‘You’re allowed to take them off too, you know.’ Again, the amused voice which goaded her. No, dared her. She accepted the challenge.

‘Very well.’ There were buttons either side of a flap which her trembling fingers had some difficulty with, but she managed to undo them at last. She moved off him to pull the breeches down and he helped by kicking them off. Swallowing hard, she sat back down on his thighs, a bit lower this time and then she reached out and followed them up to …

‘Holy Shiva! That’s … that’s not what Francis was like.’

A strangled laugh escaped him. ‘I should hope not. I’m half his age, I think.’

Her fingertips explored, curiosity overcoming her nerves. ‘It’s so soft, so warm, and yet … not soft at all.’

He drew in a sharp breath. ‘Mm-hmm.’

Throwing caution to the wind, she grasped the whole length of him in one hand and stroked it. He jumped and gave a muffled cry. ‘Oh, am I hurting you?’ She let go.

‘No, quite the opposite.’ His voice sounded strained, as if he was talking through clenched teeth. ‘Is it my turn yet?’

‘Your turn?’

‘I want to touch you too. Explore, the way you are doing.’

His words made alarm bells clang inside her mind, but she silenced them with an effort of will. ‘I … I suppose that’s only fair.’

He reached up and began to undo the laces of her bodice, one by one, with what seemed like deliberate slowness.

‘Wait, the diamonds and the talisman!’

‘I’ll find them.’ Jamie sounded as though he’d relish that task and she felt his fingers brushing the skin of her torso while he searched. When he had located the items and put them to one side, he pulled out the final lace and sat up to push her gown off her shoulders and down her arms. She helped him by shrugging out of it completely. Then he put his hands on her waist and moved his thumbs in lazy half-circles, while leaning forward to kiss her.

It started off as a gentle kiss, but she found that wasn’t enough. She became greedy, her tongue playing with his, teasing, tasting. Zar loved the way this made her feel, the little spears of flame that shot down into her stomach and lower. The way her breasts tingled and the tips hardened. She made a noise in her throat which turned to a gasp as his hands slowly moved upwards to cup her breasts through the chemise. The old fears crept into her mind, but she tried to keep them at bay.
This is Jamie. Jamie.

‘Shh, relax, I’m only exploring, remember?’ he whispered. He kept his hands still until she became used to the sensation, then his thumbs began to work some kind of magic on her nipples.

Zar marvelled at the difference to her previous experiences. There was no pain, no squeezing, just butterfly caresses that were driving her wild. When Jamie stopped she murmured in protest and he chuckled.

‘I just want to dispense with this,’ he said, and tugged at her chemise. ‘I too want naked skin.’

Another spark fizzled through her at his words and she allowed him to pull the garment off. He started, as before, at her waist, his hands stroking upwards in a leisurely fashion as if he had all the time in the world. Just as Zar was becoming impatient, he bent to replace his thumbs with his tongue instead, and she arched back in surprise. ‘Jamie!’

‘I told you, anything goes. Don’t you like it?’

‘Yes. Yes, I do.’

She didn’t protest when his hands traced the contours of her stomach and dipped lower, finding her innermost place. It was all she could do not to cry out at the exquisite sensations his tongue and fingers were creating. ‘Take me inside you,’ he murmured, lifting her up and lowering her onto himself, slowly, gently, giving her time to pull back if she’d wanted to. But by now her brain wasn’t registering anything other than the need for something more. Something she didn’t know she wanted until she felt the tip of him entering her.

‘Ah, yes, that’s it. Ow!’ He’d pushed all the way inside and she’d felt a small ripple of pain, but it wasn’t too bad.

Jamie froze. ‘You’ve never …? He didn’t …?’

‘No, he couldn’t.’ Zar moved cautiously up then down and found that it didn’t hurt any more. Instead, a delicious warmth was spreading through her and somehow her body knew what to do now. ‘Go on,’ she urged him. ‘Please!’

‘No, you do it, you’re in charge,’ he murmured, guiding her, showing her what to do, and she did, moving faster and faster until her entire body exploded and it felt as though she was bursting into a thousand tiny pieces.

‘
Jamie!
’

He cried out too and she felt him shuddering. Eventually they both stilled and he put his arms around her, pulling her down to lie on top of his chest. It was as if they were one, with them still joined together so intimately, and she revelled in the sensation, clinging to him as their breathing slowed down to a more normal tempo and their heart rates became steady once more.