Moonstone (28 page)

“Shit.”

“I was too angry to think. I had to take two buses to get to the Alameda Marina. For the first time, I was going to give Hannah a piece of my mind. Then I spotted my Audi in the parking lot. There was this big red bow on the hood and a note that says
Welcome Home
.” Kelsey shook her head. “Hannah’s parents were in the houseboat. She was drugged out of her mind. They knew what had happened and fell over themselves apologizing about it. Her dad handed me a check for ten grand. No kidding. And her mom begged me to give Hannah another chance. She’d threatened to kill herself because I’d left.”

“And so you stayed?”

“What was I supposed to do?” Kelsey checked her tone. Joy wasn’t on the attack. She was only asking what any logical person would ask. But Kelsey hadn’t acted with any logic where Hannah was concerned. She’d only reacted. Then a mixture of guilt and shame had filled in the empty spaces. “I’d just been fired from my job. I knew I wasn’t going to get a reference from them. I had no car—except the Audi. No place to live except on my friend’s couch… And part of me still thought I could save Hannah.” Kelsey stopped then. She didn’t need to explain what had happened that last night on the houseboat. She couldn’t bear telling the story.

Joy reached for Kelsey’s hand. “I’m sorry.”

Kelsey squeezed Joy’s hand. She closed her eyes. “Things went from bad to worse. Finally, I called Hannah’s parents. I told them that I’d had Hannah hospitalized for attempted suicide. And that I was giving up. She needed someone besides me to save her. I left that day.”

“Back to Raceda?”

“I didn’t have any other option. Not a good one, anyway.” Kelsey sighed. She rubbed her eyes, holding back tears. She wanted to say that everything was fine, that she didn’t need the pity she could guess was in Joy’s gaze. But everything wasn’t fine. She hadn’t been strong enough to say goodbye to Hannah directly. She’d slunk away when Hannah was down. And now Hannah was back in her life.

“And you haven’t heard from Hannah since?”

Kelsey hesitated. Joy had read her mind. “She knows I’m living with my mom. In fact, she moved back to Raceda too.”

“Have you talked to her?”

“And had plenty of nightmares afterward. But I’m dealing with it.”

“Do you think she took the Audi back? Maybe she’s the one who stole it.”

“She still has a set of keys.”

“Did you tell the cops that?”

Kelsey shook her head.

“Why not?”

“I guess I’m hoping it wasn’t her. I want them to find out that someone else stole the car. But I wouldn’t put anything past her. I know I should call and ask but I’m playing right into her hand if I do that. She wants an excuse to talk.” Kelsey exhaled. After a long pause, she said, “I haven’t told all of that to anyone. I couldn’t talk about it…” She rubbed away more tears. “If I told anyone, I’d be admitting that I hadn’t been able to control the situation. That everything with Hannah was more than I could handle.”

Joy pulled her into a tight embrace. It was easy to cry into her shoulder. Kelsey didn’t try to hold back. She was done fighting and ready to admit once and for all that she’d lost. And now Joy knew. Kelsey didn’t want the Audi back. She didn’t even want the laptop. She wanted the whole thing to be the final part of a long bad dream. Somehow, she wanted to finally wake up from that bad dream.

Kelsey sat on the edge of the bed, staring out the window. Joy turned off her alarm and sank back in the pillows. Six a.m. She studied Kelsey’s profile, amazed again that they had slept another night in the same bed. Slept… It had been so painful to hold Kelsey close but do nothing more. More painful because she knew Kelsey wanted the same thing. But now she knew why Kelsey wasn’t ready.

Kelsey had tossed and turned in her sleep until Joy had finally reached for her. Then she’d fallen asleep with her head on Joy’s shoulder. At some point in the night they must have moved apart. Joy brushed a fingertip lightly over Kelsey’s hand. Kelsey smiled briefly and then her expression became unreadable as she stared out the window.

“I was worried that your alarm wouldn’t go off,” Kelsey said. “I didn’t want you to be late again because of me.”

Kelsey’s gaze was still trained on the window or the scene beyond it. It was another foggy morning. She moved slowly to dress and when she glanced up at Joy, her expression was drawn. There was no evidence of the woman who had bawled into her shoulder after admitting everything that had weighed her down. Joy wondered if she regretted telling her the details. It was hard to believe that Kelsey had stayed with someone that messed up on drugs and harder still to guess at what she needed now.

Joy couldn’t ask the question that gnawed at her mind since Kelsey had finished telling the story of how she’d ended up back in Raceda. Did she miss Hannah? Even if she no longer loved her, did she miss her? Or, worse, did a part of her still love Hannah? Joy knew it was possible. It wasn’t clear that there had been any closure to their relationship.

Joy had never considered not getting involved with someone because of their past. Most of her girlfriends had started out as one-night stands. Or casual sex partners. The benefit of not knowing someone’s history was obvious. No one knew when they were being used as a rebound. Of course, she’d guessed that she’d been used for sex before. She’d certainly used other women for the same reason. Sleeping with someone new wasn’t the worst way to get over someone else. And sometimes the new person turned into the next girlfriend. But after everything she’d heard last night, she worried that whoever Kelsey dated next was destined to be a rebound. And she didn’t want to be Kelsey’s rebound.

Joy climbed out of bed. She dressed quietly, longing to reach for Kelsey and uncertain that her touch would be welcome. Kelsey needed time. That much was clear. Maybe she needed casual sex as well. Joy didn’t want that to be all that she could offer. She went to the bathroom and brushed her teeth. Her mind had replayed the story Kelsey had told her countless times. Even if Kelsey carried no torch, clearly there were loose ends.

Joy spit out the toothpaste and stared at her reflection. She had loose ends with Vanessa too. She hadn’t texted Vanessa and knew that she needed to. Despite all the warning flags that her brain was waving, after last night she was more hung up on Kelsey than ever.

Joy found Kelsey in the kitchen trying to work the coffeemaker. She pressed the power button a handful of times and then stared at the empty mug.

“We can swing by Morning Rush. It’s on our way if I’m dropping you off at your house.”

Kelsey looked up and nodded. Morning Rush was the coffee stand on the corner of Albright and Ocean Street. Kelsey set the empty mug on the counter and then glanced at Joy’s swim bag. The flippers stuck out of the bag.

“Swimming this morning?”

“Tonight. I’m going to be busy at work playing catch-up today. I’ve got to get an early start.”

“About last night…” Kelsey paused. “I probably shouldn’t have dumped all of that on you. I’m sorry I’m such a mess. A little more than what you bargained for, right?” She chuckled softly. “I’m starting to realize that I have more issues than I want to admit.” She stared at the flippers in the swim bag. “Maybe I need to start swimming again…and try to clear my head.”

Joy was about to suggest that she join her that evening when Kelsey cleared her throat and said, “Or maybe I need some time before I try and date anyone.”

“What are you saying?” Joy asked.

Kelsey met Joy’s gaze but she only shook her head. Neither said anything for a long minute. Finally, Joy said, “I don’t want you to disappear for another eighteen years.” She could hardly believe she’d said the words so easily. “I don’t think you’re a mess. And maybe I can handle it even if you are.”

“You shouldn’t have to deal with all of my issues. And you already have a girlfriend.”

“Wait, if this is about you not being ready, I get that. But if this is about me being in an open relationship with someone and you not being okay with that, tell me.” Joy took a deep breath. Kelsey’s words felt like a brush-off. Maybe last night she’d realized after all that she wasn’t ready for a relationship. Joy couldn’t blame her for that. But she wasn’t going to let Kelsey use her as the excuse for not even trying.

Kelsey only stared back at her. She shook her head. “I need some time.”

And this is where we say goodbye and never call each other again
, Joy thought. She’d said nearly the same thing to women whom she’d taken home and then regretted:
I think I need some time to figure things out.
Always the morning after. Or sometimes the line was:
I don’t want to take things too fast
. Other times the excuse was work:
I’m just too busy to date anyone right now.

She’d used the lines but had never heard them. Being on the receiving end made her cringe. And yet, she agreed: Kelsey wasn’t ready to date anyone. And maybe Kelsey didn’t want to risk getting close to someone who was in a relationship with someone else. Joy wondered what she’d do if Kelsey said those words aloud. If she broke things off with Vanessa once and for all, Kelsey might turn and walk anyway. They hadn’t even had sex and yet last night she’d felt closer to Kelsey than anyone else she’d ever been with. But that didn’t matter now.

Kelsey heard her mom call her name, but she didn’t answer. She set the full cup of coffee that Joy had bought her on the kitchen counter and headed straight to her bedroom. She hadn’t taken a sip of the coffee. She needed another eight hours of sleep more than caffeine. In eight hours, she could face the day. She started to close her bedroom door but paused when she heard her mother call her name again.

“I just got off the phone with the sheriff.”

“The sheriff?” Kelsey let go of the door handle. So much for sleep.

“He said they found your car.”

“Already?” Had it even been forty-eight hours? Kelsey struggled to remember the day. Wednesday. She had a meeting with the owner of a dermatology clinic that afternoon. Work. Somehow, she was going to have to cancel. “Where’d they find it?”

“Paul said it was in a ditch on the side of the highway.”

Paul. Kelsey recognized the name. Sheriff Paul. He’d been a friend of her father’s. She had a vague memory of meeting him once. “Someone dumped it there?”

Barb shook her head. “Maybe you should sit down.”

“I don’t need to sit down,” Kelsey argued. From the expression on her mom’s face, it was clear that she was holding something back. “What else did the sheriff say?”

“The car’s totaled.” Barb paused and then started again, “They know who stole it.” Barb sighed. “Hannah was in the car, sweetie. She’s in the hospital. He said she’s in stable condition, but he wouldn’t tell me much more.” Barb set her hand on Kelsey’s shoulder. “Your cell phone was turned off. And since Paul realized the car was registered here, he called the house number.”

Kelsey suddenly wished she’d taken her mom’s advice. Her legs felt weak. Hadn’t she guessed that Hannah had taken the car? Of course. But she’d held out hope that it was some stranger. Now Hannah was in the hospital and that changed everything.

“He did say that she was asking for you.” Barb cleared her throat. “I wasn’t going to tell you that part but…”

“Shit.” Kelsey leaned against the wall. “I knew she stole the car. I mean, I didn’t know for sure…I was hoping that the car would just show up stripped in some back alley and I’d never know exactly what happened. Like last time. Damn it. I guess I should be glad she’s alive.” Kelsey closed her eyes. She longed to be back in Joy’s bed, nestled against her body. If only she hadn’t awoken and pulled away. She could have slept with Joy forever and never heard this news. “Can you give me a ride to the hospital?”

“You don’t have to go, sweetie. You don’t owe her anything.”

“Of course I’m going, Mom. Who knows how bad a shape she’s in?”

“She stole your car—on top of everything else. Let her family take care of this.”

“It’s just a car. I don’t give a damn about that. If she’s pulling this as some kind of stunt, I’ll say my piece and walk out. But if it’s bad, I’d never forgive myself for not going. Besides, I want the damn laptop back.” Kelsey reached for her wallet and keys, then stopped. She’d been carrying around her car keys and hadn’t realized the ridiculousness of it. She nearly laughed but it wasn’t funny. It was pathetic. And it was exactly what happened whenever Hannah slipped back into her life. She threw the keys into her room and closed the door. “Can you give me a ride?”

Barb’s furrowed brow didn’t change as they headed for the car. “I’m not happy about this. I don’t want you to have anything to do with her anymore.”

“She got in an accident, Mom. She’s in the hospital. Let’s agree to drop this until I find out how bad things are.”

“Probably not bad enough,” Barb said. She’d muttered the words but her expression made it clear that she wanted Kelsey to hear.

“You know, I did love her,” Kelsey admitted. “Once…It was a long time ago and I knew it was crazy even then, but I fell for her.”

“And this is where you tell me that you’re smarter now? That you won’t go there again?”

Kelsey sighed. Barb had both eyes focused on the road. “You didn’t ask me where I was last night.”

“Denise told me you were probably with Joy.”

“How’d Denise know?”

Barb shrugged.

“I like her.” Kelsey sipped her coffee. She wanted to call Joy. She hadn’t even said thank you for the coffee. Would she meet her at the hospital? Of course she’d have to miss work… But if she asked, she knew that Joy would say yes.

The hospital was only a ten-minute drive. They’d be there all too soon. She didn’t want to face Hannah alone, but she didn’t want her mother in tow either. She turned on her phone and saw the missed calls from the police station and then several more from Hannah’s family. Two from Hannah’s mother, one from Hannah’s father, and two more from Sadie. Kelsey slipped her phone in her pocket. She couldn’t call Joy.

“I want to be done with Hannah. I don’t want to go back to how life was with her. But I feel like I’m stuck somewhere in between. I feel like I can’t let go.”