More Letters From a Nut (19 page)

Dear MS. Williams,

Thank you for answering my letter regarding the fantasy my future wife and I have of having sex in your office. I am sorry I am tardy in writing back but I had an accident and lost three of my toes.

Naturally, your suggestion about returning to our hotel is nice but it does not satisfy my wife’s (or my) fantasy. And she needs to be satisfied. We have chosen the Precious Moment Wedding Chapel because of the good things we hear about it and, of course, the fact that it MAY be possible to have our wedding consummated in your office.

In your brochure you include the “other” option. Our request would certainly fall under “other.” So what do you say? Let’s put convention behind us - get some oils and towels - and get it on in your office.

Please let me know if there is ANY FEE, no matter how large, that you would consider for our wedding night. Thank you. I look forward to hearing from you as we do want to form our union soon.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

A PRECIOUS MOMENT CHAPEL
800 S. 4TH STREET
LAS VEGAS, NV 89101

Nov. 29, 1996

Dear Mr. Nancys

Received your correspondence of Nov. 20, 1996. We do sympathize with you and your bride regarding your fanciful whimsy for connubial consummation in my center for administrative directives … oils and towels notwithstanding.

Unfortunately it will not be possible for your wedding consummation to take place in my office. So, you can be married in our chapel and [
BLEEP
] somewhere else or find a chapel in sympathy with your deviate desires.

Sincerely,

B. Williams

Dear Business Permits Dept.:

I need a business permit. I have a van where I stop and open a door and a red haired man steps out. He will wash his hands and towel off and adjust his trousers. I charge $12.00 for this (which includes a papaya slice) and drive around your neighborhoods.

I need to get a license to do this in your city. I also need a van, a towel, squeeze soap, papaya slices, and a red haired man. Can you help me with this? (Frizzy red hair and freckles, please).

Thank you, Walnut Creek. I want to now bring my van to your streets so everyone can enjoy this red haired man washing his hands and toweling off. I look forward to a prompt reply.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

October 25, 1996

We are pleased that you intend or are currently doing business within our City of Walnut Creek.

Our records indicate that you have not yet filed for your business license so I am enclosing an application for your convenience.

Please complete the enclosed application in detail and return to this office with the appropriate tax. You may choose either Option A or B from the schedule of taxes found on the reverse side of the application. Business Tax is due and payable from date of your beginning business in Walnut Creek through the end of our fiscal year on June 30 and thereafter due annually on July 1.

Paying promptly will avoid penalties (required by Municipal Code) that amass at 10% per month up to 50% of business license taxes.

Revenue derived from business license taxes supports our Police, Public Service, Community Development, Cultural Services and General Government.

A copy of the Municipal Code covering business licenses is available upon request.

Thank you for your prompt cooperation.

Eve Feiler

Business License Coordinator