More Letters From a Nut (23 page)

Dear Business Permits Dept.:

I need to get a business permit from you to operate my SUMO VAN in the city of Long Beach. I am moving there soon.

My Sumo Van operates like this: My van stops, the doors slide open, and two 500 pound sumo wrestlers each slap their belly against the other. They grunt and groan and break into a sweat while an audience watches. Everyone loves it!

I charge $5.50 a person. This is good family entertainment. It is something to see, these big wrestlers wearing their tiny sumo lap cloths slapping each other around with their big stomachs. They really go at it. Dogs bark.

Please tell me how I go about getting a permit to operate my Sumo Van on your city streets? I may place 16 vans around your city roaming up and down the streets. At its height, I could have 32 sumo wrestlers belly bumping each other with their girth. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

October 8,1996

Dear Mr. Nancy:

Thank you for your letter dated September 27, 1996, regarding your interest in establishing a sumo wrestling van business in the City of Long Beach. Unfortunately the type of business activity you wish to establish is not permitted on public streets in Long Beach. Should you wish to establish a fixed location to promote sumo wrestling, you must first obtain zoning approval from the Planning and Building Department. You would also be required to obtain City Council approval to conduct any wrestling event in the City of Long Beach.

If you have any questions regarding this matter, please contact Jaunice Floyd, Business License Supervisor, at (310) 570-6211.

Sincerely,

PATTY HEINTZELMAN

Business Services Officer

Commercial Services Bureau

PH:lh
sumo.jtr

Dear Commissioner Stern,

I have developed the
VLADE DIVAC SPANKPADDLE.
I’m sure you’ll agree, sometimes all a wrongdoer needs is a good old fashioned spanking to put them on track. And nothing will do it better than an NBA approved Vlade Divac Spankpaddle. (Formally called the Slappy). I can’t think of anyone Americans have more respect for, or wouldn’t mind getting a swat from, than Mr. Divac. He’s America’s dad! (Now that Ed Asner is not on TV anymore).

I am currently involved in a bidding war with several major companies regarding the manufacturing of the SPANKPADDLE. It also has an attachment for naughty pets.

How about a commercial showing the Miami Heat standing in line for their Vlade Divac spanking? That’ll teach ’em respect. It’s a great message. How about a farm system for basketball players that don’t go to college? I would love to spearhead that.

Please let me know how I may send this Spankpaddle to you for NBA approval? I am sending one to Vlade Divac.

I look forward to hearing from you soon. You are doing a great job with the drug induced, sex fiend players of the National Basketball Association. It is nice to know that you are clean and in charge.

How do I get tickets for this year’s NBA finals?

Respectfully,

Ted L. Nancy

March 19, 1997

Dear Ted:

I am responding to your recent letter to the National Basketball Association regarding game tickets.

Please contact the team of your choice to obtain tickets as they are not sold or distributed through the league office. Unfortunately there is nothing the league office can do in the event of a sellout.

Thank you for your interest in the NBA.

Cordially,

Jennifer Norris

Interactive Services

Olympic Tower • 645 Fifth Avenue • New York NY 10022 • (212) 407-8000 • Fax: (212) 832-3861