More Than Scars (35 page)

“Let them know I’m okay but…I’m not going back in that room…even for you.”

I swallowed and untied my tongue with much effort. “Please…for your Dad? Ian will behave! I will make him behave. He’s just saying things like that because he’s Ian and he like to push buttons but…”

             
“And what about my girls?” he growled. His hands held my hips and he squeezed slightly. “Are they making things up too?”

             
I drew in a breath.

             
“Truth is Nerissa..they are right…all of them and I’m the one having a hard time dealing with this. I’m happier…I’m less afraid…less on guard with you.” His voice dropped low. “I can’t afford that.”

             
What? I frowned. “How is this a bad thing?”

             
He pressed closer to me and I lost track of what I was supposed to be thinking or doing.

             
“You took my hand in there and all I could think of doing is tugging it, pulling you into my lap so I could have you in my arms, against my body. I wanted to kiss you…right there in front of my children, my father, my brother. I wanted your hands in my hair as they were yesterday, tugging and demanding and your lips under mine,” he breathed. “And all you did is touch my hand.”

             
My heart raced and my hands on his chest trembled a bit. I wanted all of that too. “It is a strong response,” I admitted breathlessly. “No less than my own.”

             
He growled. “Don’t tell me things like that.”

             
“Why?” I pushed gently at him.

             
“It makes me weak.” He sighed and drew me closer. I let my arms slip around his neck and felt enveloped by him. His arms surrounded me and his lips touched my ear. “You make me weak. I can’t work without thinking of you. I can’t be in your presence without turning into a fool. I can’t control my own body’s responses.” His lips touched my jaw and I felt him smile. “I feel like a young man again, untried and unfocused.” His teeth grazed my earlobe and I sighed. “I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with myself.”

“Sounds like you need laid,” I teased, and instantly regretted the words the moment they left my lips.

              Liam froze. He cleared his throat and pulled back a fraction. “You think this is all this is about? You think I want sex Nerissa? Because I could have had you several times already,” he growled.

My body warmed at the softly growled words. It was true. Many times I would have willingly given into him at just a word. Our bodies had always spoken strongly to each other.

“This is not about my body’s response to you. If I had you…it would not be enough. Once would not be enough. This is about you.” He moaned softly. “I could get sex if I wanted sex. I want you.” His fingers buried themselves in my hair. “I don’t deserve you…and I can’t afford your distraction.”

I trembled.

“You want to know why I won’t go back into breakfast?”

I couldn’t breathe, let alone speak.

“Ian and I had a fight last night over you.”

I shook my head. “He was playing a game Liam. He doesn’t feel that way about me…”

“The fight wasn’t over possession of you,” he murmured.

My hands slipped from his neck and rested gently on his chest. “What was it about?”

“He wants me to give into what I have confessed to him…what I have confessed to my Father and he will not let up until I give in.” His forehead came to rest against mine.

“What have you confessed?”

He sighed.

“You’ve already admitted you want me,” I sighed back. I tilted my face up into the shadow where his face was so close to mine. My nose brushed his. “What else is there to confess?”

He set a finger under my chin. “There are greater things than want and lust Nerissa,” he whispered. “I can’t afford those things.”

“You deserve them.” I tugged at his lapels and the action pulled him close enough that our lips touched…just a brush. I wanted him to take over. I wanted him to press me against the door and take my mouth with his. He instead brushed his thumb over my lips where his own had been.

“Will you kiss me?” My bold words did things to him. I felt it in the tremble of his hand at my face and the intake of breath at his chest.

“I can’t.”

I shook my head. “Why not?”

“I can’t take what I don’t deserve.”

I wanted to pound his chest. “What about what I deserve?”

“You deserve so much,” he sighed. “I warned you when you started here. The girls would be your life. I asked if you had someone if you wanted someone you said…”

“How did I know I was…that I would…that I was going to want you?” Oh no…tears. “I don’t want to go out and find someone! I found him! If I am to resign myself to living here…raising your children…” I reached up and gripped the back of his neck and pulled him down to me. “I want you Liam. If you want me…you can have me…just, kiss me, please.”

“
Nerissa.”

“It’s what I want.” My lips brushed his. “And I did claim these,” I teased softly.

His body trembled and his lips moved fractionally and as always was the story with Liam and I; interruption came. Stewart was knocking at the door. Logan had grown worried.

I wanted to cry. The moment and the spell
was broken. Liam stepped away as if I had suddenly gone up in flames.

“We are returning,” Liam barked out. He set me gently aside and strode from the room and toward the dining room.

I had succeeded in two things. One…getting him back to breakfast and two…wrecking my own carefully arranged heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

             
The next day, Ian did end up getting Liam on that afternoon ride. Once Liam went for the stables, Stewart snuck myself and the girls into his office to decorate. He didn’t even blink an eye as he closed us in. It was nice to be trusted.

             
After yesterday’s breakfast I wasn’t sure what to expect today.

             
I had made Liam’s coffee and slipped a card underneath. Surely, I was allowed a happy birthday wish. I wondered if he had read…and it was there on his desk, right beside the phone. It wasn’t in the garbage or thrown in a drawer. It was set out where he would have been able to view it throughout the day. This made me happy.

             
We set to work decorating with their many pictures and cards all over the room. There were a few presents they had wrapped and of course the album. I hadn’t wrapped it…just put a bow on top of its cover. Nothing fancy. It was what was inside that mattered.

             
We spent special care on his desk, putting the girl’s favorite pictures where he would see them first. I didn’t want to use tape on the expensive wood so we had fashioned flowers that could be spread to look festive and we had made a banner, which I decided could be hung behind his chair.

             
I climbed up on his chair now and began to hang in, using the curtains of the window behind and safety pins I had tucked in my dress pants. I had one side secured and was working on the other when suddenly the door to the office flew open. The girls squealed and I froze.

             
“What is this?”

             
That. Voice.

             
“Daddy! You are a’poseta be with Uncle Ian!” Brianne wailed.

             
“He is late,” Liam said calmly. “I came up here to finish a few things while I waited.”

             
I felt silly standing on his chair, my arms still poised to pin the other side of the banner, my back to the door. I finished it and folded my arms in front of me, not sure how to get down elegantly.

             
“Stewart said he’d tell us if he was coming Rissa,” Brianne cried. “Now the surprise is ruined!”

             
I sighed, not sure what to say

             
“I came through the back way. He didn’t see me,” Liam explained. His voice was getting closer to me. I felt when he stood behind me. “Need help?” His hand was at my hip and his other arm surrounding my waist before I could respond. He lifted me down, lowering me gently down his body.

             
I blushed, turned to him, focusing on his riding jacket, and then lowering my gaze to his boots. “Surprise,” I made an attempt at a joke.

             
He chuckled.

             
“Surprise!” Amelia laughed, doing a little dance.

             
Brianne sighed, still disappointed. “At least we got most of the decorations up,” she agreed. “Are you surprised Daddy?”

             
“I am,” he laughed, humoring her.

             
I moved around him to his backside, careful to keep my eyes lofty when I got there. He was wearing his signature dark riding breeches, and…well, they were always flattering on Liam…too flattering. “Sit down,” I said softly. “The girls have gifts. You might as well open them now while you wait.”

             
He sat in the chair I had been using as a ladder. I stayed behind, giving him full freedom to look at his party decorations. It also allowed me to watch the girl’s responses and I could watch him opening his gifts.

             
Amelia came around and crawled into his lap with her gift. It was a painted canvas. A little girl with a horse. It was so well done I was still finding it hard to believe the little one had done it…but I had witnessed her painting it.

             
Liam kissed her cheek. “I will hang that right here in my office so I can look at it every day.” Amelia’s arms wrapped around his neck and her little face was pleased.

             
Brianne came before him and smiled, handing him an envelope.

             
Liam opened it and pulled out the sheet music inside.

             
“Uncle Ian and I wrote it together,” she said softly. “I will play it for you tonight. He will play his guitar with me.” She smiled. “Would you like that?”

             
One of his scarred hands reached out and touched her face. “I’d love that baby,” he whispered. He pulled her into his arms with Amelia and hugged them both. “Where did you come up with such wonderful presents?” he praised.

             
The girls lifted their eyes to me and giggled.

             
“Rissa said we should make a gift with a gift,” Brianne announced. “So it was all her idea.”

             
Liam chuckled. “I should have known huh?”

             
I bit my lip to stop any tears that might be tempted to show up.

             
“Open Rissa’s gift Daddy!” Brianne cried. She jumped out of his lap and tugged Amelia with her. She pulled her to the other side of the desk so they could sit up in the chairs across the way and view too.

             
“I got the card,” he said gently. “I don’t need more.” He reached for the album with the bow.

             
I swallowed. “It’s just something little,” I whispered. “I wanted to show you…wanted to give you something back. I’ve been given so much.” I drew closer so I could look over his shoulder as he untied the bow.

             
Very slowly he opened the beautiful leather album and the first picture was the one I had snapped of them on their way to the stables. Liam with the girls, hand in hand. The sight took my own breath away and the editing Wendy had done made it look like something out of a dream. His fingers trembled on the page. “This is wonderful,” his voice was broken.

             
Oh no…I felt my tears threatening.

             
He turned another and there Amelia and Brianne were in their riding gear and braids…and then the day at the street fair with Al and I…the happy little faces!. He turned to each page that held a moment I had captured and he would tenderly touch each. He reached the fall pictures…the girls playing in the leaves. And then he came to the one at the piano and I heard him pull in a breath that was strangled. My eyes lifted to the girls, who looked concerned.

             
“Daddy’s eyes look wet,” Amelia whispered to her sister.

             
I chewed on my lip and touched his shoulder. “We have a lot to get ready for your dinner tonight,” I whispered. “We’ll leave you to look at your gifts.” I lifted my brows to the girls. “Don’t we have something special to make?”

             
Brianne and Amelia clapped their hands.

             
“Cake time?” Brianne was racing for the door. “I get to mix this time! Mary said!” She and Amelia pushed through the door.

             
I hurried past Liam, wanting to give him his moment. I was at the door when it was closed by a hand from behind, and I was pulled back against him. His lips were against my throat and he was drawing in a deep breath as though to calm himself.

             
I laid my hand over his as it rested on my waist. His other arm wrapped around me now and held me like a vise. I could feel the wetness of his lashes on my skin. He was kissing my neck again and again, and drawing in breath as though he couldn’t form words.

             
I smiled and turned my face into his hair, breathing in his scent. “You are welcome,” I said softly, knowing what he was trying to say, but unable to say.

             
“God, I’m not just thankful,” he choked out. He drew in another breath and gently lifted my hand to the scarred side of his face.

             
I let my fingers trail the scar and pulled in a breath, feeling the warmth of the tears on his cheeks.

             
“No one has ever done something that thoughtful for me,” he whispered.

             
“I can’t believe that.” My tummy nosedived when he kissed the tips of my fingers.

“I owe you so much,” he growled.

“You owe me nothing.” He squeezed me gently as I spoke those words. I hugged the arms about me.

“I owe you the truth,” he sighed.

I leaned back into the comfort of his strong body. “You gave me all your secrets, remember?”

His lips brushed against my cheek.
“My confession Nerissa. Remember? The one Ian wants me to reveal?”

I nodded.

He drew in a breath. “I give it to you…my confession to Ian, to my father, to myself, and now to you is that…I’ve fallen in love with you. Do you understand how hard I love you? How unworthy of you I am?”

             
I wanted to cry out that I loved him too but his declaration of not being worthy stunned me. I let tears flow instead.

             
“I love you,” he whispered.

             
And then I was outside of the office, unsure how I got there. Two very smiley girls looked up at me, and for that and that alone, I held it together.

Chapter 18 Thanksgiving

              “What do you do with that kind of information?” I sighed into the phone. I so desperately wished I had my Mom in front of me, not miles away.

             
“You say I love you back Rissa! You must have waited too long!” she teased,

             
I rolled my eyes. “I am not going to have a man say I love you but! There should never be a but at the end…said or implied!”

             
She laughed softly. “Rissa, Liam Byrne is a different kind of man. You will not get the traditional declaration of love.” I could hear the smile in her voice. “How do you feel about his confession?”

             
I felt warmed all over. “Happy,” I whispered. “And scared and confused.” I was walking down the stairs now. I had just tucked the girls in. Liam would be up there saying good night. Ian would be waiting in the sitting room. He had wanted to play a round of cards before he left. That had become code for meaning he wanted to talk.

             
“Give him time…”

             
I sighed. “I will see you in a few days,” I whispered. “Love you Mom.” I ended the call as I entered the room where Ian awaited. I crossed my arms and tilted my head at him.

             
He nodded as if he had read my mind. “I know…I know…don’t be mad.” Setting his cards down, he lifted his hands in defense. “I was the one pushing him to admit it too and I wasn’t thinking it through. I wasn’t listening to him. Well, I listened to him last night.” He rubbed his temples with exaggeration.

I crossed to my spot across from him and picked up my cards. “Nursing a headache I see?”

He chuckled. “We downed quite a bit of whiskey last night and I’m surprised I remember half the conversation,” he teased. “My brother was in great need of drink for his birthday night. We were one short for his birthday dinner. Dad asked where you were.”

I ducked my head. “I couldn’t.”

He nodded. “I know. My brother was mopey afterwards. We shared a drink or ten.”

             
I lifted my brows. “Is this why Zosimo was let out to his pasture this morning?”

             
“Um, yeah, don’t think Liam was in a riding mood. Doubt he even made it to the gym. I know I didn’t.” He winced and reached for his glass of water, as I reached for my glass of wine.

             
I smirked at him.

             
“Anyway…he knew the second he confessed to you his timing was off. He was in a sentimental mood. The only time you should ever proclaim love to a woman is when you can look her in the eye and say it. He’s upset…because he can’t even…” He sighed. “Now he’s in denial mode. He wants to hide and pretend it didn’t happen…maybe you will forget he said it. I’ve seen him do it before.”

             
“With other women?”

             
Ian laughed and shook his head. “Never with another woman. Just when it comes to opening himself up too much. He goes into shut down if he thinks it might cost him something. You didn’t respond to his words.”

             
I shook my head. “What was I supposed to say?”

             
“He thinks you were repulsed.”

             
My heart dropped. “No, he couldn’t think that…not after…”

             
Ian shook his head. “That’s my brother.”

             
“I have practically thrown myself at him! How can he think I would be repulsed by him? Ever?”

             
“Not by him physically…by his actions. His hiding…his weakness as he calls it. He knows you are drawn to him but maybe not enough to love him.”

             
I nodded, laying my cards down.

             
“It doesn’t lessen the fact that he is in love with you. I mean…crazy in love Rissa.” His blue eyes softened. “You couldn’t say it back?”

             
Tears pricked the back of my eyes. “Not when he followed up his I love you with a statement saying he was unworthy. Not when I couldn’t look him in the face and tell him…” I bit my lip. “I love him too Ian.” My eyes narrowed. “But I want to tell him…I know how you guys share everything.”

“I understand,” he said softly. “I’m not going to run to him and blab our conversation,” he promised. “But I’ve already told him I felt that you did.”

“I do.” I lowered my gaze. “And I want to be sure he really truly loves me…not just the idea of me. If he has me on a pedestal…what is he going to do when I disappoint him?”

             
He chuckled. “You could knock the pedestal over on his foot and set it on fire and he is still going to be in love with you Nerissa.”

             
I smiled.

             
“You have Thanksgiving to warm him up…and then there is the masquerade…”

             
“I’m not spending Thanksgiving here,” I spoke up softly.

             
Ian frowned.

“What?”

His brow furrowed. “But you are family! You have to…the girls will want you here! Dad will be here!”

             
I smiled and felt great affection for my friend. “I leave Saturday and will be gone until the following Saturday morning. Spending the week with my Mom and Al.”

             
He shook his head. “Liam has agreed to this? You leave in three days…you are gone for a week…and you don’t come back until the day of the masquerade?”

             
I nodded. “Well, he agreed via Stewart this morning. After yesterday I felt it appropriate to spend some time away.”

             
“He was probably too hung over to realize what he was agreeing to,” he growled.

             
I laughed. “No, I think Liam understands I need some time away. Maybe he needs a break from me as well?”

             
He shoved his cards aside.

             
“Will you miss me Ian?”

             
He sighed and gave a nod. “It just doesn’t seem right! You belong here with us. Your family should come here and stay at the mansion.”

             
“I’m sure my Mom would love that…but Al not so much!” I reached across and patted his hand. “It will be okay. We have our traditions and I will need this time away after all of this. I need to think. It’s not such an awful thing Ian.”

             
He blew out a breath. “I guess.”

             
“I spoke to the girls. They have my phone and they will call me each day.”

             
“Can I call you each day?”

             
I laughed at his pouty face. “Text me when you need me.”

             
He grinned back. “What about my brother? What is he going to do for a week without you?”

             
My shoulders lifted nonchalantly. “He has my number as well if he needs me.”

             
“He won’t call.”

             
I bit my lip. “I know.”

             
“He’s stubborn. I’m stubborn. It’s our Irish blood,” he teased.

             
I smiled. “I’m pretty stubborn too.”

             
“Good.” He threw down his first card.

             
“I’ve already decided what I want,” I spoke up, clearing my throat, and sorting my own cards.

             
“Liam?”

             
I smiled and raised my brows to my friend. “Who else?”

He grinned. “So, Saturday…next Saturday…you plan on looking so drop dead gorgeous he won’t be able to concentrate at that masquerade?”

My tummy took a tumble. “Have you seen his mask yet?”

Ian grinned. “I have a feeling you are going to have a hard time concentrating too. Good thing I will be there to help you keep your head in the game!”

I blushed. “Liam in a tuxedo…and me being able to look him in the eye? I may faint dead away.”

Ian smiled his beautiful smile.

I leaned forward and studied him for a moment, trying to remember the picture I had seen months ago of an un-marred Liam. I had seen Liam’s mouth since, and even caught the flash of a smile now and then. “You two have the same great smile.”

He shrugged.
“Family trait.”

“It’s lovely,” I complimented sincerely.

Ian grinned. “You know…God blessed the Byrne men with…strong features. For me it has been a blessing and a curse. Maybe I wouldn’t be such a man whore if I were ugly.” He shrugged again. “I could say, maybe I should have been the one who was scarred…maybe it would take me down a notch. Liam knew how to handle the blessing of beauty.” His blue eyes softened. “But he is not this hideous monster he tries to make himself out to be. So much of it is in his mind. He thinks he is this marred beast that people would tremble at.” He shook his head. He rolled his shoulders as though getting sentimental made him uncomfortable. “But like you said…he has a great smile. He has kind eyes…and this ugly scar that fades away once you’ve been with him for any length of time.”