Mucked Up (11 page)

I called my main guy Peter O’Devlin because at school we have the Peter O’Devlin Lecture Theatre where they have lectures and school meetings. I don’t know who Peter O’Devlin actually was, he may’ve been a massive douche, but it sounds like a name that a normal person would have, like just a guy who would work in the city.

soooooo the direction of the force on the airrrrrrr
on the birrrrrd … which issssss downward …
isssssssss … opposite the direction of the force

So this Peter O’Devlin guy now stands in front of the intense singers and starts to sing …

I know I can do better than the egg/ham line, ‘man’ and ‘ham’ don’t even really rhyme properly. It’s actually pretty crap songwriting, and I’m a profesh so I should be able to do better than that.

Life is a good rhyming word, can get lots of rhymes for life like knife, strife – life and strife are good. Or …

Wife, yeah yeah something about a wife.

Lawwwwwd, how’d I do that?????? Sometimes it’s like magic with me, like I don’t have control over it, the words just come out of some magic place, told you I was a freak. Now I leap into that killer F-sharp chord-jump again …

You know, if the audience isn’t sobbing their faces off already, then the world doesn’t know what rock opera writing is. Cos this is a huuuuuuge sad rock opera opening-song about how everyone needs love in—

‘Getting any of this bird biz, Zurb …?’

The hell! Can’t he see I’m in the middle of composing? If flarping Thom flarping Yorke was sitting and writing ‘Paranoid Android’ and Jack S kept knocking him with his elbow and bugging him in the middle of it, he may never have finished the
OK Computer
album and changed the world of music for FLARPING ever.

‘… cos I’m not getting any of it.’

‘
SHUT IT, JACK, I’M TRYING TO CONCENTRATE BUT YOU JUST KEEP AT ME!!!!!
’

Bit harsh but he wouldn’t stop, what am I supposed to do? Awww, look at him, all shocked. Sort of leaning back in his chair, scrunched up like a scared dog.

the forrrrce onnnnnn the bird … which isssssss …
upppppward

‘Why you being so mean to me, Zurb?’

‘I’m not being mean to you.’

‘I just don’t know what I’ve done to you.’

‘Cos it’s a classroom and we are in class and I am trying to listen to the teacher and you keep pissing round!’

and the forrrrrrce on the birrrrrd now isssssss …
downwarrrrrrd

‘But it’s not just here. You’re kind of ignoring me all the time, just noticed it over the last little while, like I’ve done something bad to you.’

‘No I’m not ignoring you, what’re you on about?’

‘We used to be good buds but now it’s like you’re angry at me all the time. Is it cos I’m with Jarrell?’

??????

Not even going to answer that.

‘That’s what Jarrell reckons. She reckons you’ve changed since we started going together because you don’t like us going together.’

‘Why would I care? It’s good that you’re together.’

‘Because if you do care, Tom, I’ll break up with her, I’d do it to keep our friendship. That’s the most important thing to me.’

‘I want you two to be together. I’m happy about it.’

‘Y’sure, bro? Cos I want you to be okay with it.’

‘Yeah I am. Of course. Just, y’know, not sure whether – like – she’s – good enough for you, Jack, that’s all.’

‘Of course she’s good enough for me, she’s TOO good for me. I’m not good enough for her. I feel lucky every day that I got her and I want to be smarter for her and try harder in school for her.’

Vommmm. I’m smiling and nodding while he tells me this but I know the fact: poor dickweed thinks it’s real but it’s just fake what’s going on between them. He thinks they’re going to be together forever and live in a house and have babies, whatevs, but I know the facts: she’s just using him to hurt me because it’s me she really wants to get with, true dat. She’s always been into me, I knew it from the day we met, how she looks at me, how she shows off in front of me, how she asked me to the bush dance and everything. If I was a REAL good mate I would tell him that she’s a massive faker who’s just using him to get to me but I won’t tell him that because it’ll rip his guts out. I won’t say it, I’m a good mate, I won’t say it.

‘Look, Jack … don’t want to interfere … but there’s something you should know about Jarrell …’

(Don’t say it, Zurb, shut it.)

‘… I just think Jarrell’s not being honest with you … and she’s kind of using you a bit …’

(Stop now, Zurb. Get out NOW!)

‘… and you can do better than her, find someone who actually wants to be with you and isn’t just pretending to like you because … well … she doesn’t.’

Jack S is confused. ‘What d’ya mean? Jarrell likes me lots, she told me and I believe her. And I like her: she’s the most smart and amazing and beautiful girl ever and all the guys want to get with her even though they won’t admit it. You’re probably just jealous and you want to get with her and that’s why you’re saying all this, right Zurb?’

‘What? Jeez! No wayyyyy. No. What????’

‘Yeah you probably think I’m too dumb to have such a smart hot chick and you want to break us up so you can get with her! Well I’m sick of your negative comments about us! Leave us alone! Stop worrying about us and worry about your own life for a—’

‘Look LOOK!’ Mandy Karaniki’s pointing out her window again.

‘Is the pig back?’ says Lynn Lin with two names the same.

All the chair-skreeking starts again and everyone goes back to look out Mandy’s window.

‘!$%#@!’
^says
Cody Carruthers who is the first one there again.

‘!$%#@!’
^says
Angie Maningas who doesn’t normally swear, so it must be something amazing.

pleaaaaase … back toooooo … your

Jack S is staring at his desk and I feel bad for what I said, so I try to be friends: ‘Jack, you coming to have a look? C’mon, let’s see what it is,’ but he doesn’t look up so I go without him. If he wants to pike off and sook like a little la-la, it doesn’t bother me none.

seats … pleeeeeeeease

Down the side of the block in the grassy bit near the school fence, there’s a gorilla.

No jokes.

A gorilla in a skirt, staring at us through the window.

‘Haw haw it’s in a netball skirt.’

‘Look, there’s more of them!’

Four more gorillas come up the side and stop to look at us all through the window; they are black and wear netball skirts and one wears sunglasses. They are carrying plastic shopping bags that are heavy with something.

‘Hello gorillas!’ Angie Maningas waves at them and the gorillas wave back.

The gorillas are doing funny gorilla stuff, like one is banging on its chest with its hands, and the one with the sunglasses is picking bugs off the head of another gorilla and eating them. Flarping hilarious.

‘They look really real,’ says Dougy Mansour, trying to get his head in for a look.

‘Yeah, real gorillas in skirts,’ goes Cody, getting him out of the way.

The first one starts dancing around all bent over, scratching its ball-zone and going AHHH AHHH AHH, so loud you can hear it through the glass window. It actually looks like my dad when he lies round on the couch in his undies.

‘He’s itchin’ his nuts!’

(Just like my dad.)

‘Sickkkkkkkk!’

Dougy Mansour starts yelling ‘
DANCE, DANCE, DANCE
!’ and everyone starts joining in and clapping, ‘
DANCE, DANCE, DANCE
’, even me. All the gorillas start dancing to the beat of the yells and claps, all bent over, holding their shopping bags and scratching their
scrote-zones.

‘
DANCE, DANCE, DANCE
!’

excuuuuuse meeeee, class

The first gorilla is getting something out of its shopping bag …

could you … pleeeeease

… something small in its hand, then the gorilla steps back.

SHHHHPLATTTTTTTT

The girls go AHHHHHH and some of the boys do too because we thought it was going to hit us in the face but it just hits glass, then runs down the glass all vommy and yellow.

‘Egg raid!’ says Lynn Lin with two names the same.