My Dear Stranger (11 page)

*****

My Dear Stranger XII
 

Last night as I slept with nigh
tmares to interrupt and confuse, I woke to a soft tap against my bedroom window.  Once fully woken I raised my blinds and was shocked and surprised to stare into my dear stranger's eyes.
The night was dark and the streetlights dim, but amazingly I could see every contour of His face- A face which had brought such joy and fulfillment to my life.
Running for the panel, I turned off the alarm and returned for Him.  Watching; our hands mirrored each other's as we opened my window.  God, I could feel His hands on mine even as the glass separated us.
And once our worlds joined the cool air sent shivers down my spine as intense desire began to control my thoughts.
When He entered my room, I tried to hide the effects the cool air had on my body, yet just as quickly as my body heightened, my stranger raised my arms and lifted my nightgown over my head.
For minutes there was no movement nor sound.  My stranger merely stood and stared at my body with such adoration I felt neither insecure nor unattractive.
When my stranger took me into His warm embrace the cool night instantly disappeared.  The night became full of hope and peace.
In little time His hands wandered my body as His lips kissed all of my flesh.  I felt an eager ecstasy as my eyes held His face with my gaze.  I wanted Him fully and I knew He wanted me also.
 

Recently, our
time together had been filled with agony, fear and never ending questions of my sanity.  However, last night we knew there would be few questions, suppressed pain and little confusion between us.
My dear stranger gently carried me back to my bed as He kissed my lips passionately.
Throughout our re-acquaintance i felt inadequacy threaten yet each smile and kiss from my stranger relieved any insecurity momentarily felt.  Our passion had been long awaited and often feared never to return. However, i knew He was my love and i His.  So after much trial and agony our passions were finally welcomed home.
Minutes turned to hours, and hours felt like days.  My stranger pleased all my desires and turned all my recent cravings into reality.  Never did I feel physical discomfort or sexual pain.  And though I hadn't been touched in nearly 2 years, my stranger was careful with my body.
With each kiss our love grew stronger.  With each touch our hearts mended for each other.  Our love may seem obscure to most but I need not know a name or past as He knows mine. We are fulfilled and completely content with each other.  As my dear stranger once expressed, 'our love is divine and we will never need another.'
When our passions were quenched and our hearts stronger He held me in His arms and caressed my bare skin.  Many thoughts raced through my mind- so many things I wanted to say, yet I said nothing.
Minutes later I sat up and looked down into my stranger's eyes and within this glance of mine He smiled and enough had been said.
So to the gentle beat of His heart and to the rhythm of His breath I slowly fell asleep.
When I woke this morning I felt such love my heart ached.  I wanted my stranger back in my arms.  And though He had left me again in the night I know my dear stranger will return again.  He will return and wipe away my tears, comfort my soul, and He will return to love me passionately forever.
October 2001
21 years old

 
After 2 years of suffering, struggling through life with only my one friend, and a loneliness that had made me hollow inside, I was finally able to make love with my stranger again, and it was perfect.

  I
had healed… relatively speaking.

CHAPTER 10

My Dear Stranger
XIV
Last night my dear stranger saved me.
i had not rested nor slept in days.  i had kicked and screamed as all the demons surfaced and threatened.  i was alone in our world with death surrounding me.  i was hiding in a darkened corner, hiding from the demons, hiding from myself.
i begged my stranger to come to me.  i begged Him to save me.  Through terror and panic i rocked back and forth with closed eyes while i dreamed of my stranger's warm embrace.
And finally i felt Him.  With a soft touch on my cheek, i opened my eyes to face Him.  Kneeling, my stranger was in front of me.  And then i froze.  i was frightened.  i panicked at the sudden intrusion into my solitude as fear and horror gripped me again.
Was my dear stranger only the demons in disguise?  Were the demons using my love as the weakness in which to kill me?  Was i being manipulated into believing they were Him, so they could take my body with ease?
Pushing and fighting i punched and kicked.  Screaming, i begged Him to leave me alone.
Firmly, my stranger grabbed and held my wrists until my vision cleared and i could finally see.  The beautiful eyes staring could be no one else's but His eyes loving, worshipping, and pitying me.
 

In that moment of clarity my relief created a great rush of emotion.
  Sobbing, my breath became strained and weak.  But holding me tight, my stranger cradled me until the demons ceased and i was finally free.  Inevitably, my sobbing became desperate hiccups of breath until i fell into unconsciousness...
When i awoke seemingly minutes later i was alone on the floor.  And confusion and fear resurfaced as it had before.  Where is He?  How could He leave me so desperate in need?  Where are the demons?  Have they killed my love, to torture me?
And then i saw through my tear-filled eyes Him coming for me.
Quickly, my dear stranger ran and kneeling again He wiped His own tears, as He smiled for me.  He slowly raised a glass of water to my parched lips, while He washed my face and brow with a cool wet cloth.  And as he performed this ritual i could only stare at His beautiful eyes which gave me my reason to breathe.
Too weak to stand on my own, my stranger raised my arms around His neck as He tucked my body into His arms and easily lifted me from the floor.  Walking toward the bathroom, He took me from my darkened corner, my hiding place.
And in that moment i suddenly understood, i was barely alive but the world remained audacious.
In the bathroom my stranger sat me on the side of the bathtub, using his hand against my chest to keep me upright.  Lifting my chin, He smiled deep into my dying eyes, and that simple moment became the most overwhelming moment of my life.
Oh god, i wanted to weep.  i wanted my stranger to understand.  i wanted Him to know i WAS sorry for what i did but i desperately needed some peace from my nightmares because it was too hard to always fight.
And with a voice low and strained i explained why i did what i did.
After my confession, moments passed between us in silence.  My stranger looked at me and spoke not a word.  Still being held up against the bathtub wall, i had no strength left.  i was exhausted beyond anything i could've ever imagined in this life.
And then He spoke.
'My love, I am here for you and I will never love another.  I will feed you and bathe you and comfort you and hold you.  I will defend you and keep you free from your demons.  I will kiss you and love you like no other can.  I will save you and help you whenever you're in need.  I will worship our love for the rest of our days, but never again will I love you in vain.  Do you understand my words?'
And i did.  i heard Him, and i understood clearly.  In that moment i was made to see what i had attempted to do.
Weeping, i tried to kiss my stranger, but sickness prevailed and i nearly fell to the floor.  Yet as always, He caught me quickly in His arms and smiled to reassure us both i think.  Weakened, i knew He held my entire life in His arms.
Moments later He gently raised my arms and discarded my blouse.  Slipping my skirt and panties from my body, i watched in blurry fascination because i was unable to help.
Once my clothing was removed, He suddenly knelt between my legs and rested His head against my chest.  Oh, how i tried to hold Him but my body simply didn't function anymore.  Alone, He held me tight.
Rising from the floor, my stranger turned me and lowered my body into the water, until startled my body came alive.  i grabbed for him.  i kicked and flailed.  i begged.  i screamed. With my eyes i pleaded but He just wouldn't listen to me.  He ignored my pleas until i eventually gave into ice cold submission.
My stranger bathed my body and cleansed my soul.  He smiled as His bright eyes reassured me i would survive this.  And though i shivered uncontrollably, as He kissed my forehead i felt warmed in His presence.
And within this warmth and cold, because of my demons and my attempt, because of the exhaustion deep within i began another journey.  i began to fall.
Frantically, i fought and screamed.  Gagging and gasping for breath, my panic resurfaced.  The demons returned, haunting and laughing at me again.  The demons were hideous and insatiable.  Creeping closer and closer to me i was alone and i knew they wanted to torture me.
One demon grabbed me, squeezing tighter and tighter until i choked and vomited.  i was beaten.  i was tortured.  The pain on my chest was unbearable.  With closed eyes i felt the demon kiss me and i couldn't fight any longer, i had to give in.  I was just too tired to continue like this.
And then it stopped.
Once i finally opened my eyes i searched for the demon but only my stranger's face could i see.  Still choking and struggling, He forced His breath into me.  And i understood.  Catching His breath, i followed His eyes around and was amazed by the scene.  i was lying naked on the bathroom floor with my stranger still straddling me.  With His hands on my chest and with flushed cheeks, He was fully alive forcing His life into me. 

Seemingly relieved by my return my stran
ger suddenly collapsed onto me.  And i held Him close to me while my deadened body shook horribly as my stranger's breath coursed through my body.
When my stranger sat up and examined my broken body i could see the pain and devastation in His eyes.  Suddenly filled with remorse, i tried to take His hand into mine, but He angrily pulled away.  In that moment of rejection i felt so alone and confused.  I begged, 'forgive me please!'
And then my body hardened and convulsed.  Too weak to fight i was thrown into my stranger's lap as my vomit and regret spewed forth.  And i felt utterly alone until He finally reached out to me.
He wrapped my dying body in his arms while i shook and trembled.  He held my hair clear.  He kissed my neck softly.  He rubbed my back delicately- All through my toxic release.
And when terror and confusion joined my body's suffering i could feel Him.  Through each convulsion i was covered in the warmth of His love.  Each time i believed i could no longer continue or fight, i think He recognized my surrender and He forced His will into me.  Yelling often, He would wake me from my numerous trances.  Kicking walls and shaking me He forced me to stay conscious for Him.
And amazingly, He stayed with me.  He chose to stay.  He caressed my aching body even while my excretions covered the floor.  Minutes turned to hours as i slept and i woke, but never did He leave my side.
With my vision blurred, i woke to my stranger standing naked in front of me.  With my mind confused i wanted to question His intensions.  i was shocked that He planned to take me under such tragic circumstances.  All i could reason was maybe He wanted some peace through love-making.  Suddenly feeling hostile, i was disturbed by the image of such an act during such horrendous emotional weakness.  Looking in my eyes, i saw comprehension in His face as He acknowledged my hostility.  And with His sadness so great, i could actually see the hurt and distress He felt at my wrongful conclusion. 

God, i felt such shame.
  How could i have ever doubted His intentions?
My stranger once again picked me up off the floor and holding me He placed us inside a warm shower.  Still too weak to stand my stranger let my limp body rest against His as He sat me in the corner.  Holding me up firmly with one hand He again cleansed my broken body.  Turning me toward the wall, my face rested against the cool tile.  i tried to hold Him but my body was incapable.  i wanted to help but i couldn't, so i began to weep from the sadness that overwhelmed me.
 

i needed to be forgiven for my attempt.
  i needed to express my love for Him.  i needed my stranger to understand my actions.  i needed His love forever...
When i awoke this afternoon, daylight threatened to blind me.  But i squinted and searched frantically through the light, and to my great surprise my stranger was still near watching me.
His eyes were bright and His smile was beautiful.  Walking toward me, He pulled down the shade and sat down beside me.  Raising a glass of water to my parched lips, my stranger still helped me.  Desperate for rehydration, i gulped as the water poured down my chin until He pulled the glass away from me.
My stranger sat the glass on the bedside table, then suddenly turned back to me while grabbing me tightly in His arms even as the pressure threatened to destroy my body.  Releasing me seconds later from His embrace, i stared at the fear etched upon His face.
  And gently He spoke.
 'You almost killed us last night.  Look, I understand demons and nightmares abuse, but I'll never again save you if my love means so little to you.'