My Hope Is Found: The Cadence of Grace, Book 3 (34 page)

Elsie stepped onto the back porch and, after filling the washbasin with hot water, stood beside Gideon without speaking.

He plunged his hands into the steaming water. As he scrubbed, it tinted red.

“How is he?” he asked without looking up.

“Doc’s with him. I don’t know what’s gonna happen.” Elsie folded her arms in front of her. “He’s in a bad way.”

Gideon nearly asked her if a few moments—the time it takes a man to hesitate—would have made a difference. “Is Lonnie with him?”

Elsie didn’t answer.

Gideon scrubbed at the blood on his forearms until his skin stung. Water sloshed over the side of the basin as he plunged his hands back in, soaking his boots. “Where is he?”

“In Lonnie’s room. I’ll fetch you a clean shirt and anything else you’ll need. I just set more water to boil for the doc, but I wanted to come check on you a moment.”

Looking down, Gideon saw for the first time the stain of Toby’s blood over his right shoulder. “Thanks.”

Pressing her fingertips to her mouth, Elsie looked up at him. Her eyes glistened with unshed tears. “I’m just so glad you were there. That you found him. If no one had been there to bring him home …”

Home
.

“Gid …” A tear slid to her cheek, and she brushed it away. “The doc asked me … He’s gonna want to know how …” She glanced at the porch floor. “What I’m trying to say is, he’ll need to know what …”

“It wasn’t me, Elsie.” Gideon stared at his boots and felt his eyebrows tug together. He couldn’t blame the woman for needing the truth. “Believe me.” He shook his head. “It wasn’t me,” he said again darkly.

A cool hand touched his arm. “I know, dear.” Elsie patted the cuff of
his shirt, clearly not caring that blood tainted it. “I never would have thought it for a moment.” Her eyes tightened, driving home the sincerity of her words. “But most folks around here know what’s been goin’ on. The doc included.”

Gideon glanced up and, seeing the honesty in her face, knew she truly believed him.

“He just needs to know
what
happened.” She tugged a towel from the crook of her arm and handed it to him.

“I don’t know.” After drying his hands, Gideon draped the towel beside the basin and started on the top button of his shirt.

Elsie’s forehead crinkled.

“I just found him that way. Lying at the edge of the creek. I honestly thought he was dead at first.”

She took his shirt, and Gideon tugged his suspenders up over his thermal undershirt. It was just as stained, but there wasn’t much he could do about it in this moment.

Squeezing his hand, her eyes were wide. “But he’s not.”

“Not yet.” Few men would survive losing that much blood.

He didn’t mean to be pessimistic. But he’d seen the Scotsman. Felt the weight of his body as he carried him. There had hardly been any life left in the man. Gideon yanked the basin from the wash table and tossed the water into the yard.

Elsie’s face saddened. “No. But we will hope and pray for the best.”

Drying his thumb on his pants, Gideon nodded. He could still hear Lonnie’s sobs as she held the reverend. Pray, he would. But he’d lost his hope.

Taking each stair as soundlessly as he could, Gideon turned the corner to the bedroom and stood just outside. With her head pressed to the back of the rocker, Lonnie’s eyes were fixed on Toby’s face. A sleeping Jacob nestled in the folds of her apron, his round chin pressed against his little sweater. The sun streaming through the window glinted on the plaits of Lonnie’s braid. Gold. Honey.

Using his knuckles, Gideon rapped softly on the doorjamb and stepped into the room.

Lonnie’s mouth parted.

With quiet movements, Gideon held a finger to his lips, then moved a chair to the other side of the bed and sat facing her. He glanced at Toby. The man’s face told a story of pain. Gideon gritted his teeth. Feeling Lonnie’s eyes on him, the back of Gideon’s throat burned. He’d tried to divide his heart before—tried to separate Lonnie from all that was in and through him. Could he do it this time? Truly do it?
God, I don’t know the answer
. Might as well start off with honesty.

It was beyond him how to take the next steps alone if that was what was required of him. He didn’t know how to find that kind of strength, but he knew where it lived. And it was in that moment that everything he
knew he needed flooded him. Would God be enough? For him? Gideon folded his hands, and his knees pressed into his forearms.

He stared down at Toby. The man’s lips were still swollen and cracked, and a bruise had formed on his right cheekbone. But his chest slowly rose and fell. It was then that Gideon realized Toby was going to live.

He blinked as the truth set in. Finally, he spoke. “He said your name.”

“What?”

He lifted his gaze to a pair of brown eyes that he knew better than his own two hands. “Toby. When I found him. It was the only thing he said.” His throat closed around the words.

“Oh.” She looked at Toby and her face softened.

The ache in Gideon’s heart pressed against his chest as if to break it in two.

Lonnie fingered Jacob’s small hand. Her lashes blinked furiously. “I just don’t know why this happened. Who would do this to him?”

Shifting his feet, Gideon stared at the battered face and wondered the answer himself. “He’ll probably be able to tell you everything when he wakes.”

Her chin trembled. “You think he’s going to be all right?”

Gideon nodded once. “He will.” The ache pressed harder.

“How do you know?”

The urgency in her voice pulled his eyes back to hers. Her face was so innocent, so desperately hopeful, that Gideon couldn’t look away. From the corner of his eye, he saw Toby’s chest slowly rise and fall. Toby would live. A man did not let go of life easily when there was a woman like Lonnie waiting for him. The man would fight with everything he had. Gideon was certain of it. Toby’s eyelids fluttered but did not open.

“He’ll live.” Gideon looked at Lonnie, but it was as if she hadn’t heard him.

She simply stared at the man on the bed. Gideon watched her, not caring if she caught him. Her face was a blank slate. He would have given every dime to his name if it would buy him her thoughts. But she simply watched Toby sleep. Staring into the face of the man who could give her a happy life. A peaceful life. And Gideon finally knew he couldn’t blame Toby if he fought for that. If Toby loved Lonnie half as much as he did, then Toby would find a way to marry her.

He would live. Toby was strong. He would fight.

Gideon stood and, sliding the chair back into place, stepped from the room. Toby needed his rest and so did Lonnie.

He strode down the stairs and stopped at the sight of Jebediah sitting at the bottom.

Jebediah spoke first. “He’s a tough one. Toby.”

“That he is.”

“And what about you, Gideon?” the man asked soberly.

Exhausted, Gideon sank down on the steps beside him.

“What about you?” Jebediah whispered again. “Always trying to solve the world’s problems.”

Fingers pressed together, Gideon stared at the wood between their boots.

“I see those wheels of yours spinning. Ever since you came home from the courthouse.”

Unable to lift his eyes from a knot in the oak, Gideon nodded slowly. “I don’t know what to do, Jeb.” When the man waited for him to say more, Gideon searched for the words. “I forced myself into her life the first time. I don’t want to make that same mistake again.” He glanced at his friend. “What if—all this time—I’ve been doing just that? In trying to get her back … without stopping to think that maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe she could have a better life”—he felt Jebediah’s gaze on him—“with someone else.”

A tug on his beard, and Jebediah lifted his shoulders and let them fall
as if under the weight of his thoughts. “A man can change, Gideon. I see it in you each and every day. You’re not the man I met on the hillside. The one I wanted to fill full of buckshot.”

Gideon interlocked his fingers, knowing the air was full of wisdom whenever he was near Jebediah.

“But there’s a thing or two you haven’t figured out yet about life. You can’t solve all of Lonnie’s problems. I know you want to. And I don’t blame you for trying. But there’s gonna come a time when you’re just gonna have to give her up to the Lord.”

Sliding his fingers in his hair, Gideon lowered his head. His voice muffled against his forearm. “How do I do that?”

“You realize that Toby can’t solve her problems either. No one can. Granted, that ain’t meant to diminish the role we can play in one another’s lives, what we’re called to do.” His expression turned soft. “Sort of like Elsie ’n’ me bringing home a scraggly, useless mountain man. And his sweet wife. I sure as shootin’ didn’t want you steppin’ one rotten foot inside my house that day I found you. But God had a different plan. You listen to
His
will … and nothing else.”

“How do I know what that is?” The words slipped out so quiet, he hoped Jebediah heard.

“You start by getting to know Him.”

Sleep wasn’t his to be had. Gideon paced the floor. The moon had made its arc in the sky and would soon fish the sun from sleepy waters. Whether his head hit the pillow or not. Slowly, Gideon ran his hands together and, with the barn door open, looked toward the house. Every window was black. A color he felt in and through him.

He’d never felt so empty in his life. Never had he felt so alone.

Knowing every inch of the barn by memory, Gideon closed his eyes, and even as hay crackled beneath his boots, his pacing slowed to a halt. He felt a cold breeze in his face and knew he stood in the doorway. Glancing up at the star-studded sky, he stepped forward, letting the cold air swallow him up. He shivered, but he didn’t care.

Earlier, as he stood in the parlor, he’d watched Lonnie slowly move about. He needn’t hear her prayers to know what she longed for. He’d seen it in her face as she dragged two quilts from the cupboard beneath the stairs and began dressing the makeshift bed Elsie had helped her create on the parlor floor. It wasn’t long after she’d folded back the tattered quilts that she had called for Addie and Jacob to lie down. A soft smile was on Lonnie’s lips, and Gideon knew his words had filled her with hope. Or perhaps it had nothing to do with him.

Perhaps?
Gideon shook his head. No, he was certain. Lonnie drew her faith from another place. The same place Jebediah and Elsie did.

One Gideon understood little about.

He wanted that kind of faith. The kind of faith that assured him that no matter what happened in life, he would always have peace. The doorjamb was rough beneath his palm as he leaned against it. He knew where peace like that could be found. He’d always been aware. But he had no idea how to begin. He didn’t even know what to say. “How do I know?” he whispered.

Did he even deserve to ask?

Gideon tugged the door closed, blocking out the cold. He didn’t deserve forgiveness. He’d stolen Lonnie when she hadn’t been his to steal. Then he betrayed her just weeks after he’d betrayed Cassie. He’d orchestrated every desire of his heart into being without ever weighing the consequences. He’d stomped on people’s feelings. Their hopes. Their dreams.

And for what?

His own happiness. That was the only thing he’d ever cared about. A lump rose in his throat, and feeling his walls crumbling, Gideon no longer cared to fight it back. He didn’t want this burden anymore. He didn’t want this guilt. Not because he deserved happiness. But because he wanted peace. The peace others had. The peace he’d always seen but never grasped.

The peace he knew came free—if he were to just ask.

He wanted it. With his whole heart, he wanted it.

“How do I know?” he whispered again, his voice strained to his own ears.

Hands trembling, he pressed them to his sides. Every sin he’d ever committed rose like a black disease inside him—taunting—punishing. Overwhelmed, Gideon turned. A heat flushed through him. He wanted to be free of this. To be free of himself.

“How do I know?” he shouted. Snatching up a tin can, he hurled it at the wall. It clanged to the ground, where it spun out of sight.

Leaning against the workbench, he pushed his palms against the coarse boards. His breath came in quick gasps. Eyes wide, he felt them focus for the first time in his life.
God, how do I know?

A voice spoke to his heart.
I’m enough
.

Gideon nodded, knowing it to be true. But he’d never let himself feel it before.

He’d always been chasing his happiness. Always been consumed with his own pride. His own fate. And he’d never been satisfied.

But God had never made a single choice for him. Gideon had always been allowed to choose.

Gideon hung his head. He’d made every decision in his life. Made every mistake. He was a man and he’d chosen freely. Never once had he looked to himself. Instead, he’d always blamed the world. Blamed fate.

Blamed God.

I’m sorry
. Crouching, Gideon pressed his forehead to his arm.
I’m so sorry. Please forgive me
. Covering his face with his hands, he felt his shoulders shake with sobs, and he didn’t fight them back. He didn’t even try. He was too tired of trying. Too weary of pretending to be strong. There was nothing strong about him. Not on his own.