My Life and Other Massive Mistakes (3 page)

I have blisters, and I do such a good job that Mum gives Tanya extra pocket money for all the great work she's doing.

‘You should take a leaf out of Tanya's book,' Mum tells me, ‘rather than sitting around staring at screens all the time.'

I desperately want to tell her about Tanya's evil plan – I don't want Mum to think I'm a thief as well as being lazy and rude – but I can't work out how to do it.

On Saturday night I spend two hours turning my room upside down one final time, searching for the bubble gum. I dream of finding it, eating the whole packet and blowing the world's biggest bubble. In this dream, I put Tanya inside it and watch her float away into the sky, never to be seen again.

I look inside the trapdoor under the rug in
the middle of my bedroom floor. I sift through my Lego. I take every book off my shelf to see if she has carved a hiding space within the pages. I tip out my clothes from the drawers and check every pocket. I look under my bed and in the hole in my mattress. I search on top of my wardrobe, in the pebbles in my fish tank. I even get the ladder and look inside the manhole in the ceiling. I search every square
millimetre of my room and I find nothing.

Mum comes in to say goodnight, sees how messy my room is and tells me off.

‘But Tanya –'

‘Don't “But Tanya” me. I'm talking about you, Thomas. Tanya's doing a fantastic job keeping the place tidy while I've been at work, trying to keep a roof over your head and food on your plate.'

‘Yes, Mum. Sorry, Mum.'

‘Goodnight.'

‘'night, Mum.'

I clean up my room and go to bed.

It's Sunday afternoon, the final day of my sentence. I'm actually happy to be going back to school tomorrow. Mum will be back from the supermarket any minute. It's Tanya's turn to cook, so I'm making hamburgers. I'm just putting cheese on the burgers when Tanya
comes into the kitchen and dumps her netball stuff on the floor.

‘Hamburgers? Couldn't you think of something better than that?'

‘Sorry, master,' I say.

‘You've got more cheese than me,' she says, pulling up a stool at the kitchen bench.

‘Yes, master.' I slap another piece of cheese onto her burger, then throw the tomato on.

‘I hate tomato. Don't give me tomato,' she says.

I want to throw the tomato at her. Instead, I calmly go to take it off her burger. ‘Yes, master.'

‘Don't use your fingers. Use tongs, you filthy animal,' she snipes.

I remove the tomato with tongs and place the burger patties on the buns. I squeeze sauce on.

‘I want barbecue sauce, not tomato,' she says.

I pick the patty off her burger and I throw it at her face.

She ducks and it whizzes over her head, hitting the kitchen window. It slides down the glass, leaving a long, saucy trail.

She laughs, grabs my burger patty and throws it. It is flying towards me like a small beef frisbee. I know I can dodge it. I just need to trust my cat-like reflexes. I shift my head to the right and –

Schlap.
It lands on my cheek, spraying sauce into my left eye.

The sound of a key in the front door.

‘Hi guys, I'm ho-ome,' Mum calls.

‘That's IT!' I scream at Tanya. ‘I'm telling Mum.'

I charge out of the kitchen and down the hall.

‘Mum, Tanya just threw a burger patty in my face, and you know what she's been doing for the past week?'

‘Tom, the last thing I want to hear is you dobbing on Tanya the second I get in the door.'

Mum struggles down the hall past me with a bunch of shopping bags.

‘But –'

‘No more!'

She's serious, but I don't care. I'm a man possessed. I have been humiliated, shamed and made to work like a dog all week – and I'm not going to take it anymore.

I follow her into the kitchen.

‘Tanya blackmailed me into doing jobs for her all week by saying she was going to tell you that I stole a packet of grape Hubba Bubba from the shop which is stupid because I don't even like grape Hubba Bubba and she said she hid a pack of it in my room and if I didn't do all her jobs she'd tell you I stole it and then show you where I hid it but I didn't hide it in the first place and
I'm
the one who cleaned the toilet and washed the windows and made dinner every night while Tanya did nothing and then she threw a hamburger patty at me!'

Mum drops the bags on the kitchen floor and rubs her eyes and face. She takes the milk and yoghurt out of a shopping bag and says, ‘Tanya?'

‘Well…' Tanya says, enjoying the moment. ‘I don't even know what a grape Hubba Bubba is, and –'

‘YOU!' I scream, launching myself at her.

Mum holds me back. ‘Tom!'

‘She's lying!'

‘Settle down, Tom,' Mum says.

I pull back. My face tingles with rage.

‘And in terms of the burger…' Tanya continues. ‘He threw a burger at me first, and he didn't even clean it up. Look!' She points to the kitchen window where a slick trail of tomato sauce leads to a broken beef burger pattie on the windowsill.

‘Tom, that's disgusting,' Mum says.

‘If I stole bubble gum, show Mum where it is!' I stab the words at Tanya.

Tanya looks confused. ‘Why would I think you stole bubble gum?' she says. ‘I don't think you're a thief. I mean, you probably are, but that's your business. Mum, do you want me to make something else for dinner?'

‘Yes thanks, that'd be lovely,' Mum says. ‘There's a nice pumpkin there for soup.'

‘Great!' Tanya kisses Mum on the cheek and smiles at me.

‘Tom, go to your room,' Mum says.

‘No!'

‘Tom. Room. Now.'

I shake my head. ‘No.'

‘Okay, how about this? For being rude, you can do all of Tanya's jobs for the next week. Now, go!'

I scream in fury and frustration, turn and stomp to my room.

It has, officially, been the worst. School. Holidays. In the world. Ever.

A week later I'm at Papa Bear's buying bread for Mum and I have a brainwave. I figure I'll buy some gum and hide it in Tanya's room. I ask the guy at the counter for a pack of grape Hubba Bubba.

‘Sorry, we don't sell it,' he says. ‘Never have.'