My Misery Muse (19 page)

“I didn’t say that,” Sam said. “I was just explaining how it will be a scandal, a girl from Seth’s past comes out of the woodwork and waves this child in front of him claiming it’s his.  It doesn’t matter we all know Jaks is Seth’s,” Sam said quickly interrupting Drakes rant “It’s how they media will play it.”

“It’s been done before,” I said quietly. “It’s happened a lot, and it’s always portrayed that way.”

Drake blew out a breath and ran his fingers through his hair. “Ok yea, I understand I’ve seen those stories before too.”

“Also how do you think it would affect Devi, her career, even though Jaks is my son, people will always look at Devi with a certain stigma. She’ll be the girl who hid my son, the girl who tricked me into having my kid, and many worse things will be said about her,” I said. “And when Jaks is older he’ll hear this shit, and how will that affect him?”

“Okay so what was your plan to stop this from happening before douche bag Ray made the veiled threat?” asked Drake. “Because that’s what it was.”

“I know,” I said, “Sam and I had decided to just slowly bring her in, any questions asked would be she was my girlfriend. When they asked about Jaks we were going to say Devi and I had taken a break while we both got our careers on track. I saw him as much as possible, but never spoke of him because I wanted to keep him and Devi out of the media”

“So why not still do that?” Drake asked.

I shook my head. “It won’t work if the label leaks the story, there will be no gradual way about it. And you can bet your ass that the media will show up here like bloodhounds talking to everyone they can.”

“And someone will talk,” Sam said, “even with the way we were talking about going about this at first was still going to bring rumors, but they would have just been rumors.”

“So it’s either you walk away from them, again, or everyone thinks my sister is a whore?” Drake asked.

I shrugged looking down at my boots. “I don’t know what to do,” I said quietly.

“Have you talked to Devi about this?” Sam asked. “What does she want?”

“No, I haven’t told her.”

“Have you told her we're leaving in a week?” Sam asked.

“Yea, I told her earlier,” I whispered. The look in her eyes when I told her would haunt me, she looked broken, beaten and I had caused it, again.

I let out a slow breath not sure what I was going to do, I didn’t think I could walk away from them again, but could I walk away from my music?

I spent Sunday hanging out, playing with Jaks, cleaning my house and updating my portfolio, it seemed odd; this was how my days were spent before Seth had come back.  Now when I didn’t have the sound of him laughing and playing with Jaks, strumming on an instrument, singing to Jaks, it felt strange how my life had easily shuffled Seth into the mix without even trying, and it felt even stranger when he wasn’t here.   I knew there was something bothering him, and I knew he wouldn’t tell me until he was ready, but a piece of me knew this was all going to end soon and I tried my damnedest not to think about it. I couldn’t face it yet.

Later that evening Mags, Cin and Jules showed for margarita night. I needed the distraction; my thoughts kept running away from me showing me worse and worse scenarios behind Seth’s recent distance and what he wasn’t saying.

We sat out on the back patio, ate fajitas I had cooked on the grill, and drank pitchers of margaritas; it was a good evening.  No one asked what was wrong, we didn’t discuss the band leaving; we stuck to safe topics, until Cin ruined the first peace I had had in weeks.

“So what do you think they will do about the label?” she asked.

I looked at her blankly, who do what about the label?

“Huh?” said Mags.

“Oh come on, you know the argument they are having with the label, something about no scandals since the whole Alex fiasco. The label is afraid any more drama from them will cause them to lose a fan base,” she said going on without noticing all of the blank looks on our faces. “Eli told me they were concerned about a fall out if Seth went public.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Mags said.

“You seriously didn’t know?” she said finally cluing in then she slapped her hand over her mouth. “Oh, shit.”

“What’s going on Cin?” Mags growled, but I had already figured it out.

“The label doesn’t want Seth acknowledging Jaks,” I whispered.

Mags looked even more confused, “Why not, how does it affect them?” I watched her face as it dawned on her, “Fuck.”

“You really didn’t know, Dev?” Cin asked.

I shook my head; this is what Seth had been keeping from me.  I could see it clearly now, his conversation with Ray at the after party, he was so angry, then him slowly beginning to distance himself. He was told he could either have us or his music, and he’d chosen his music.

Tears began falling down my face and Mags came over and wrapped her arms around me. “Honey you don’t know anything yet, talk to Seth.”

But I could see she knew the same thing I had, he’d chosen his music again, although to be fair I had pushed him out the door to pursue his music the first time.  I took a deep breath and tried to get myself together. “Mags, can you take Jaks home with you tonight? I need to talk to Seth.” Mags nodded her head, “Yea honey, I’ll watch Jaks.”

Shortly later everyone headed home, Mags taking Jaks with her; I pulled my cell out of my pocket and called Seth.

“Hey, we need to talk,” I said.

“Ok, whatcha need?”

“In person, Seth.”

He was quiet for a moment. “Alright Devi, I’ll be at your place in an hour or so.”

“Ok, I’ll be here,” with that I hit the end button, slumped down into my couch wondering what the hell I was going to do now.

Seth walked in the door 45 minutes later; he looked at me where I still sat slumped on the couch.

“You know,” he said softly.

I looked up and glared at him, “Yea I know.”

“I’m sorry Devi, I wanted to tell you, to talk to you about it but I didn’t know how.”

“How about you just come out and say the label is making you choose between your kid and your work?” I growled out.

He flinched. “I don’t know what I am going to do yet, Devi.”

“Yes you do, you’ve known since you talked to that record label rep. You knew and you didn’t say a god damn word,” I yelled at him.

“It wasn’t like that Devi, I wanted to talk to the guys about it first. I wanted to see what they’re take on the situation was,” he ground out.

“Oh of course, go talk to them but you couldn’t let me know what was going on!” I yelled. “This affects me too.”

“I know it does Devi!” he yelled back. “God, don’t you think I realize that this affects you, that it affects Jaks?!”

“They why didn’t you fucking say something!” I screamed at him.

“Because I couldn’t handle you looking at me and telling me to leave again; I couldn’t stand the idea of you looking me in the eyes and telling me to go pursue my dreams, when I knew I would be leaving those dreams behind,” he finished softly.

“What do you want me to say Seth, to stay, forget all you’ve worked for, forget all the people who are counting on you, for me to beg you to stay with us?” I whispered, wanting to do just that but knowing I couldn’t, that if I did and he stayed one day he would end up resenting me for it.

“I don’t know what I want you to fucking say!” he yelled. “I want it all, I want you and Jaks to be my family, I want my goddamn career, but I can’t have it all, and I don’t know what to do about that.”

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. “I don’t either, Seth,” I said softly.

Seth came and flopped down beside me, leaning  back deeply into the couch and threw his arm over his eyes. “What do we do now, Devi?”

“We spend what time we can together while you’re still here, and we let the rest work itself out. I don’t know what else to do,” I said defeated.

¯¯¯

“So where’s Jaks?” I asked.

“Mags took him home with her, so we could talk,” Devi said.

I nodded glad that Jaks wasn’t here to see us yelling at each other.  I reached over and laced my fingers through hers. “I love you, you know?” I said softly.

“Yea I know, I love you too Seth,” she whispered back.

She sat there curled up on the couch looking so small, vulnerable and sad. I didn’t know what to do to make this better, I did love her and I loved Jaks, and I knew even if I left the band we would still have to deal with the media fall out, only worse.  I didn’t want to leave the band and my music, but I would. Nothing I could do would protect them except my leaving, it would keep them out of the media, but while I was still here I would do as Devi said make the most of it.

“I want you to give me another tattoo.”

She jerked up and gave me a shocked look, and then a sly grin started to form across her gorgeous lips. “Really?”

I nodded.

“Do you know what you want?” she asked getting up from the couch.

“Kinda,” I said. “Where are you going?”

She threw a glance over her shoulder, “Getting my sketching stuff, be right back.”

I laughed; she always loved designing new tattoos.

She flopped back down with a sketch pad and pencils. “So what do you want?”

I thought back to the picture in her journal, the one of her holding Jaks after he was born, she was all sweaty but beautiful, staring down in Jaks’ little face. “How are you at portraits?” I asked already knowing the answer.

She shrugged, “Ok, I guess.”

I knew she was better than ok, I had already seen some of her portrait work.  I got up went to my messenger bag I had dropped at the door and pulled out her journal. I flipped through it to find the picture I wanted then handed it to her.

She looked up at me with a sad smile, “Where do you want it, Seth?”

“I want it over my heart,” I said, “and I want some words wrapped around it kinda like a picture frame.”

She nodded, “I can do that, anything else?”

“Not that I can think of.”

“Alright, write down the lyrics for me,” she said tossing me a notebook from nearby, “and I’ll get started sketching out some ideas.”

I nodded, grabbing a pen from my bag and writing down the lyrics I wanted.

“When can we do it?” I asked.

She shrugged, “I can check my appointment book and see what’s available, if I don’t have anything we can go in early to the shop and do it, or stay late after my appointments, but we’ll get it done before you go,” she said softly.

I finished writing down the lyrics to a song I had written before I had left the first time and handed them to her. She took them and read them over biting her lip, she nodded then went back to work.

An hour later, I sat on the couch playing my bass, every now and then I would glance over to see Devi still engrossed in her sketching. She looked so serious, with twin lines between her eyes while she concentrated. 

“Take off your shirt.”

“Huh?” I said confused.

“Take off your shirt,” she said, then started impatiently pulling the hem up.

“Ok, hold on a sec,” I said putting my bass down then pulling the shirt over my head and dropping it on the floor.  As soon as the shirt hit the floor she was crawling into my lap straddling me.  I felt her heat brush against my cock, and I started to thicken, she apparently didn’t notice.  She held the sketch up to my chest to check placement.

“Perfect fit,” she murmured then started to wiggle to get off my lap. 

“Devi,” I groaned as she wiggled against me again.

“Hmm,” she said as she still continued to wriggle around on top of me trying to get off my lap.