My Rock #4 (The Rock Star Romance Series - Book #4) (8 page)

I knew she was different since that first night—it
was what had drawn me to her in the first place. I wanted her to feel the
things I was doing to her. I wanted to see and feel her response, but I didn’t
want to let her in my head…and that’s right where she was. It was as if I’d
traded in my addiction for a different kind and that just pissed me off.

I couldn’t sit still in my little room so I got up
and paced the halls. They had the television on in the dayroom and there was a clip
of
Elly
and I playing as I walked by. I stopped and
watched it; we looked damn good together and we sounded even better.

There was some
tweaker
chick sitting on the couch and when she looked up and saw me she said, “Shit!
That’s you!” I started to walk away and I heard her say, “Is she your
girlfriend?”

I looked back up at the screen…at
Elly’s
face. My girlfriend? Fuck no! I didn’t do
girlfriends. I just walked away and ignored her. It was none of her business
either way. I went out onto the patio. The night was cool as the weather was
starting to change. I wondered what I would do about my apartment if I didn’t
win…or if I got disqualified for singing with
Elly
.

Damn it! I wished I could make my mind still. I knew
that I could. I wasn’t a prisoner there. I could sign myself out and go score
some weed. That would calm me down. Of course, they probably wouldn’t let me
back in if I just left, and if they did, they’d make me piss in a cup and kick
me out anyways.

Shit! I hated it. I wanted to call
Elly
, but it was too late to use the phone. I hated where
I’d put myself and I hated that I had no idea where I was going from there. I
guessed that was the kind of shit my therapist wanted me to talk about. I didn’t
see the point, though; I could talk about it until I was blue in the face—wouldn’t
change a fucking thing. I was the only one who could change anything. Thinking
I only had myself to depend on, was a depressing thought. I’d done a fucking
bang up job so far.

I finally went back to my room. It took hours for me
to fall asleep. I couldn’t stop thinking about how bad I wanted
something…anything. It wasn’t a physical craving any more. It was mental. I
wanted to feel numb again; feeling shit was for the birds.

I got woke up the next day by a loud knock on my
door. It was the nurse with my pills. They gave me something that took away the
cravings for the opiates. They had something new; they didn’t use methadone
like they used to. I used to like the methadone—if I’d cheek it and then take
it all at once later on, it was almost as good as a speed-ball. Probably why
they stopped using it—they figured that out. The shit they gave me was called
Suboxone
. It worked, my body wasn’t feeling that physical
need for the drugs…but it didn’t make me high, or numb.

After I took my pills and had breakfast, I went to
my appointment with my therapist. I had almost convinced myself that I was
going to open up to him that day. But, I knew that was just going to make my
anxiety worse. We talked about the show the previous night and he tried to talk
about my parents again. Finally, after about fifteen minutes of that, I told
him I wasn’t feeling good and that I’d been thinking about leaving and going to
use all night.

“So, are you going to be okay tonight, when you
leave for the show?” He looked concerned.

“I doubt it,” I told him, honestly. “I really don’t
want to start this shit all over again, but given the opportunity today; I
think I’d take it.”

“So what should we do?” he asked me.

“I think I should skip the show tonight. If I leave
here, I’m going to find something, and I’m probably not going to care what it
as.”

He nodded and said, “I’ll call them and let them
know you’re not going to make it tonight. I’m proud of you for coming to me
with this, Tristan; it shows real progress.”

I walked away from that meeting wanting to be as
apathetic about it as I was everything else. The hard truth was that it had
been so long since anyone had been proud of me for anything, I let it make me
feel good that he said it….just a little bit.

CHAPTER
TWELVE

ELLY

The first thing I realized when I got out of bed was
that I no longer had to look at the stupid picture of my dead boyfriend. I’d
taken it and put it in the drawer the night before when I got home, and I had
no desire to look at it again. One thing that I’d learned since being with
Tristan is that anyone can get off drugs if they want it badly enough.

Tristan was the most stubborn man I’d ever met. He
also came from an environment where drugs were the norm. He didn’t have any
support other than me, and to be honest, he really didn’t even know me well
enough yet to know if I was going to stick around. He was doing it, though.
He’d gone into rehab and he was following their rules and, I wouldn’t tell him
because it would probably just have pissed him off, but I was proud of him.

I also couldn’t stop thinking about that kiss. Every
time I did, I got warm and tingly all over and my belly filled with
butterflies. It was just so…sweet. I laughed out loud when I had that thought.
If I told him that, a blood vessel would probably burst in his head. I wouldn’t
tell him, but that’s what it was.

I opened the door to the bathroom and was surprised
to see Susie standing in front of the mirror fixing her hair.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I should’ve knocked.”

“Oh stop, you’ve seen me in my underwear before. I
got up late; I’m supposed to be at work in half an hour.”

“I’m not late, so you go ahead,” I told her. I sat
down on the side of the tub and said, “Did you see the show last night?”

Susie’s face brightened and she turned around
towards me and said, “I’m so glad you brought it up! I was afraid to say
anything. Oh my god,
Elly
! You were fantastic! But
how….?”

I couldn’t help but smile at her enthusiasm. “Thank
you. As far as the how…we just did it. I might not have a job after I get there
today.”

“Oh my god! You little rebel!”

I laughed, “I’m not a rebel, and you know that. I’ve
been agonizing over it all night. I know I shouldn’t have done it, but Tristan
said that he needed me….”

Susie sat down next to me and said, “I saw that kiss,
too.”

“Yeah….”

“It was so romantic. Did you guys plan that?”

“Oh heck no! Romance and Tristan are….polar
opposites, usually. It came out of nowhere and it’s another thing I’m turning
over and over in my brain. I’m wondering what it meant.”

“What did it feel like it meant?” She asked.

“It felt like…passion. Real, honest passion from the
heart.”

She raised her eyebrow. “It doesn’t usually feel
like that?”

I smiled, “No, it usually feels like lust…it was
definitely different.”

“Then you should talk to him about it.” She patted
my hand and then went back to the mirror.

“I was going to, last night. But he had to get
back….he had to go. I need to talk to him about it though, otherwise I’ll build
it up way too much in my head and I’ll end up getting hurt that much more when
he tells me it didn’t mean a fucking thing.”

Susie laughed and said, “He’s kind of….blunt, isn’t
he?”

“That’s putting it nicely,” I told her. I looked at
my cell phone then and said, “Aren’t you down to about fifteen minutes now?”

“Oh shit! Yeah,” She popped back over to the tub and
hugged me. “Just remember that you deserve to be happy, okay?” Susie knew how
hard I struggled after my boyfriend died, and how I had a tendency to blame
myself for things and take on other people’s problems as my own.

“I’ll remember. Thank you, Susie.”

After Susie left, I got in the shower and got ready
to go. I was a nervous wreck. It was one of those days where I seriously hoped
my deodorant was working. I wasn’t so much worried what Molly would think.
She’d been encouraging me all along to keep seeing Tristan, although I was sure
she’d be surprised that I stood up there on stage and kissed him in front of god
and everyone. I was worried about what the producers were going to say, and I
was sure that no matter what I’d told myself, they weren’t going to just let it
go.

I was going to walk in there with my head held high
and take it like a grown-up if they fired me. I’d made a choice to do what I
thought was right at the time; I had to live with the consequences.

I ran into Molly in the parking lot. She had a look
on her face like she was about to burst.

“Oh my god,
Elly
! What was
that last night?”

I shrugged and said, “He didn’t have anyone to sing
with.”

She wrapped her arm around my shoulder. “Why didn’t
I know you could sing like that? You were amazing. You should be in this
contest instead of behind the scenes.”

“Thanks. I’m not much for singing in front of an
audience.”

“You sure did a fine job last night…and of kissing
in front of a live audience too! Wow! That was hot!”

“That wasn’t really part of the plan….”

Molly laughed as I pulled open the doors and we
walked in, “I could tell,” she said.

“
Elly
!” It was Clint’s
secretary. She looked like she’d been waiting for me.

Molly gave me a look of encouragement and said,
“I’ll see you later.”

“Hi, Theresa,” I said to the other woman.

“Hi,
Elly
. Clint wants to
see you in his office in fifteen minutes.”

“Okay, thanks,” I told her. I didn’t ask her what it
was about. That would be like indulging in sadomasochism. I knew exactly what
it was about, and I was pretty sure how it was going to end.

Those fifteen minutes may have very well been the
longest in the history of the world. I went and put my things away and then I
just paced around until, at last, it was time to get it over with. When I got
to the office, Theresa told me to go on in; “they” were waiting for me. I
wasn’t at all surprised to see Jake and Tony both there too when I opened the
door.

“Hello,
Elly
.” Jake said
my name in a tone that denoted a deep disappointment. I think he had high hopes
for me.

“Hi…everyone,” I said.

“Have a seat please,
Elly
,”
Clint said. “You know what this is about?”

I nodded and then tried to swallow the lump in my
throat. My mouth was too dry. Finally, I said, “Yes, I think I do.”

Jake spoke then, “I’m just so surprised,
Elly
. Why? What would make you do that? You are so good at
your job and you seemed so excited about it. You gave me no reason to think
that if someone was going to “fraternize” with one of the contestants, it would
be you.”

“He didn’t have anyone else. He needed me,” I said.

“He manipulated you,” Tony said. Tony didn’t like
Tristan, it was no secret. It was really Tristan’s fault, too, so I couldn’t
hold it against him. But that wasn’t true. Tristan didn’t manipulate me. I went
in to it knowing full well what I was doing and what the consequences would be.

“No, Tony. He asked me and I agreed. There was no
manipulation involved.”

Clint finally spoke then, and he looked pained when
he did, “What about the kiss,
Elly
? You were on live
television. You had to know that we couldn’t let that go. Had you sang with him
only…maybe we could have figured something out, but that kiss made it obvious
to America that the two of you have been seeing each other.”

I nodded and then, feeling I had nothing to lose, I
said, “Do you guys really think the rule makes sense though where someone like
me is concerned? I’m an intern. There is no way I could sway the results. The
only thing I did that might help him is sing with him so that he didn’t have to
be the only one without a partner.”

“Sing you did,” Jake said. “You have an amazing
voice. Maybe you can look at a career in front of the camera or at least the
microphone.”

“So does that mean I need to start looking for a new
job?” I asked.

Clint sighed and said, “I hate this,
Elly
…I really do. But, if Tristan won and people found out
you were dating him, there would be uproar. We’d get sued, we’d lose sponsors—we
can’t let this go.”

I nodded again and stood up.

“Thank you all for the opportunity,” I said. Then I
looked at Clint and said, “What about Tristan?”

“This meeting is over,
Elly
.
I’ll deal with Tristan later. You can go.”

I felt numb, like I was in shock. I knew it was
going to happen. I should have told him no. I could have helped him find a
singing partner….fucking hindsight!

Tony walked me to the door and I tried one last time.
“Is Tristan going to be kicked off the show?”

Tony just raised an eyebrow at me and said, “Take
care,
Elly
.”