My Secret Diary (12 page)

The competition was on 2 April. After all that
build-up I wrote precisely two lines about it: 'In
the afternoon went to the Comp. but Sue and I
didn't get anywhere.'

It had been a total nightmare. There were lots
of girls who danced together, but they all had
specially made matching net costumes in excitingly
violent colours: purple, crimson, shocking pink,
with matching sequinned bodices.

Our mums didn't do dressmaking. My grandma
used to sew beautifully but now her arthritis was
so bad she couldn't tackle elaborate dance
costumes. We wore our mums' party dresses, which
were vaguely similar blue florals. We looked
ridiculous with these big matronly dresses hanging
off our puny shoulders. Our hair wasn't styled in
a chignon, our faces weren't made up, and we didn't
have the right shoes. We did our best, dancing with
fixed smiles and desperate eyes – and we were
eliminated in the first round.

Friday night ballroom dancing was much more
fun. We didn't take the dancing part too seriously
– and there were boys. Not many boys. None of my
crowd went with a boy – but we were in the same
room
with them, and occasionally changed partners
and danced with them, solemnly waltzing or
quickstepping up and down the ballroom (a long
bleak hall in Surbiton where Sainsbury's
now stands).

Friday 8 January

A whole crowd from Coombe went dancing – Carol,
Sue, Jill, Cherry, Judith and I. Carl (Mr Bryant)
taught us thank goodness. I can't bear that awful
Len that sometimes teaches us, when he dances with
you he breathes a whole barful of beer over you.
Peter and the other reasonable boys weren't there
but dear Laura and co. were. She's very common
[oh God, I sound like Biddy!]
, but I like her hair
when she doesn't scrape it into a French roll. It is
a sort of long pageboy. I think I'll grow my hair
and have it like that; that is if it will go into
a pageboy.

Laura was Peter's girlfriend. He was the
only decent boy at dancing. We all raised our
eyebrows and shook our heads over her short
skirts and high heels – but we secretly envied her
like anything.

Friday 15 January

In the evening I went dancing with Carol and Jill.
Peter wasn't there again, and neither was dear
Laura etc. this time. I've come to my own
conclusions about those two. Carl wasn't there
so that Len character took us, but it was quite
good fun actually. It was great fun walking
home through the snow singing at the tops of
our voices.

We didn't go dancing the next Friday: this
was when we all flocked to the cinema to see
Expresso Bongo
.

Friday 29 January

Sue came dancing with us this evening. Carl took
us thank goodness. No Peter again, he hasn't come
for ages. Not that I care, now I've got Ken. Laura
and Veronica turned up in tight skirts above their
knees. Sue's eyebrows went up when she saw them!
I might wear my straight skirt to dancing, my
blue one.

Ken was a boy I'd just met. There'll be more
about him later. Lots more.

Friday 12 February

In the evening I went dancing. Sue didn't come, or
Judith, but Carol and Jill did. I wore my new nail
varnish and new flatties which were lovely for
dancing in. We did a lot of complicated Samba steps
and I had Peter for a partner. After Ken I think he's
terribly ordinary. He's taking his silver medal next
week. Jill asked him if he had enjoyed 'Expresso
Bongo' and he said he had. Peter forsook Laura
and accompanied Anne home this week. She looks
about sixteen, wears sloppy jumpers, very tight
skirts and crimson nail varnish.

Friday 19 February

I went dancing with Carol. We made friends with
a Tiffins girl and she told us the amazing news
that Anne (see last Friday) is only in the first year
at Tiffs!!!

Friday 26 February

Jill, Carol and I went dancing. I asked Peter
whether he had taken his silver medal yet, but he
said he was taking it next week. We did some funny
new cha cha steps and some new rhythm dancing.

Friday 4 March

After school Carol, Jill (in a new tartan skirt) and
I went dancing. Laura came, but Peter didn't, so
that was one in the eye for her. She is really common,
but some of the things she says are very funny. When
Len was trying to be funny, she said, bored, 'What
a queer old man.' Carl knows my name! He called
me Jacqueline!

Friday 11 March

Sue came dancing with Carol and I. None of the
girls seem to like Carl, but I think he is sweet. He's
certainly 'all there'. Going home Carol said my
mother sounded a pushing type. The bitch! I don't
care what she says about me, or even my friends
(e.g. Chris and Jill) but I will not have her saying
things like that about my mother.

I wonder what she
said
exactly. I don't know
why I got in such a state. I loved Biddy very much
but I couldn't possibly deny that she
was
pushy.
She called this having
gump
– short for gumption
– and lamented the fact that I possessed no
gump whatsoever.

Friday 1 April

As I was standing at the bus stop ready to go dancing
I turned towards the flats and waved at Mummy.
Guess who was standing at the next door window.
Jeremy! He must have thought I was waving at him!
A new boy actually turned up at dancing, but not
anything particular. Peter did not come and neither
did Laura. We did the quickstep again. I could do
it when I danced with Carl and with other girls who
could do it, but not when I did it with someone who
couldn't do it, as I was a girl and could not take
the lead. On the way home I bought a red fat shilling
exercise book for my new story. It is coming along
nicely at the moment, thank you.

Friday 8 April

Jill, Carol and I went dancing. I wore a summer
dress for the first time. We did a new dance that
was good fun. Jill, Carol and I had to show the
others how to do it.

There was no dancing over Easter, and when we
went back it didn't seem so beguiling. I didn't
bother to write about it for several weeks, then:

Friday 27 May

After school I didn't go dancing as I'm getting a
bit sick of it. So is Carol, so I think we'll start going
to the Lagoon on Fridays instead.

We'd been to the lagoon the day before. It was
called Surbiton Lagoon but it was actually in
Tolworth, a bus ride away. It was a wonderful white
art deco lido with a big open-air pool and a proper
diving board. I
wish
it was still there now. I'd spent
most of the long sunny summer of 1959 going to
the lagoon. It was only sixpence (2Hp) to go in, so
Biddy would give me a shilling (5p) each day and
that covered my bus fares and a packet of crisps
as a treat. We'd stay there all day long, chatting,
reading, eyeing up the boys and diving in for a
swim whenever we got too hot.

Obviously the lagoon was closed during the
winter but it opened up in May.

Thursday 26 May

After school Cherry, Carol and I went to the Lagoon.
It was SMASHING. We certainly picked the right
day for going, as it was lovely and warm. It was
cold at first in the water, but after a minute or two
it was delicious. We all brought our teas so we could
stay in till gone seven, when the session ended. We
all wore our glamorous swimming costumes and
painted our toenails.

But it didn't stay warm. Carol and I went to the
lagoon at half-term.

Tuesday 7 June

In the morning Carol and I optimistically went to
Surbiton Lagoon. It was f-r-e-e-z-i-n-g, and when we
eventually plucked up courage to jump in the water
we were very nearly frozen solid. I was surprised
that there weren't any icebergs floating around.
Anyway, when it began to pour with rain it was just
the limit, and C and I packed up and ran for the
warmth of the changing rooms. After we were warm
and dry and changed we decided to go. As we were
standing at the bus stop guzzling our packed lunches
my front tooth filling came out again, blast it.

Oh, that front tooth! It was the bane of my life,
always falling out at awkward moments. Long ago,
when I'd first learned to swim at the age of six, I'd
bashed my mouth against the stone side of the
swimming pool as I struggled to get out. Both my
front teeth were chipped, and when I reached my
teens my dentist sent me up to the Royal Dental
Hospital in Leicester Square to see if they could
fix me up with a rudimentary crown. If anything
went wrong I had to trail all the way up to London.
So the next day:

In the morning I went up to the Royal Hospital of
Dentists and had my tooth seen to. This time I didn't
have Mr Arnold but a fat chubby student who
reminded me of a teddy bear. He was very nice
though, and I could have hugged him when he
asked if I went out to work yet!

I'm rather impressed that at fourteen I was able
to make that journey on the train up to Waterloo
and then take the tube to Leicester Square. I was
always supposed to come straight back after my
dental treatment but I didn't always, especially if
it was a school day and I could miss maths and PE.
I'd sit on a bench in Leicester Square and read my
book, hoping that everyone would think me a young
secretary on my lunch break. I didn't have enough
money on me to buy myself lunch but I'd look
longingly at the menu in the window of the Golden
Egg restaurant. Then, to distract myself from my
hunger pangs, I'd wander along to the Charing
Cross Road and peer even more wistfully in the
windows of the second-hand bookshops.

Oh dear. This is the hardest chapter to write. I
was so
silly
.

Chris asked me if I'd like to start going with her
to the Youth Fellowship group at her local
Methodist church. I wasn't a Methodist, I wasn't
any kind of church-goer , but Chris said there were
sometimes interesting discussions – and lots of boys
went. So on Sunday 3 January I ate my Sunday
roast chicken hurriedly, got myself dressed up
(the eau-de-nil outfit) and caught the bus over to
New Malden.

The Youth Fellowship discussion group was run
by a gentle bald man called Mr Golden, who
welcomed me warmly.

Mr Golden based his talk on stars, and told us about
horoscopes etc. Afterwards I had to give my name
and address to Michael Young to be put on the
register. Chris pipes up 'Why not give him your vital
statistics as well?' and M.Y. and I promptly blush
scarlet. When we got outside the Church we saw
Johnny Wilkins smoking a pipe! I couldn't believe
my eyes as he is only about sixteen. He looked so
funny, puffing away self consciously. We now call
him Sherlock Holmes amongst ourselves.

I settled into going to Youth Fellowship every
Sunday. I don't think I ever contributed to any
discussion. I was far too shy, though I was Miss
Gabby Gossip with Chris.

Sunday 17 January

Before the service everyone natters away to each
other, and Chris and I were engrossed in
conversation. We suddenly realised that Viv was
nudging us and that everyone was staring at us.
Poor Mr Golden had been trying to begin the service
and had said 'Shall we commence by singing . . .'
whereupon Chris had said (in reply to me) 'No!'
Everybody burst out laughing and a boy called out
'Big Brother has his eye on you.'

The next day I wrote:

When I got home after Y.F. Mum asked me which
boy I liked best. Little does she know it's John
Wilkins! At school Sue told Chris I liked him but
Chris has sworn faithfully not to tell him.

I liked John Wilkins the pipe smoker?! But not
for long.

Wednesday 20 January

I can't imagine loving a man, not now. Of course
I get crushes on boys, but that's not proper love. In
Biology Chris told me that she thought J.W. liked
Gloria Hastings. That has rather put me off him.

The next Saturday there was a special Youth
Fellowship Tramps Party. I've inked red and blue
stars at the top of the page. This was clearly a
magical occasion for me, though reading my diary
entry now, it sounds so touchingly soppy.

Saturday 23 January

Met Chris in New Malden at 10 o'clock. We went
round the shops and bought some loaves and marge
for the church 'Tramps Party' in the afternoon. We
dropped them off in the Church hall and then went
back to Christine's. After lunch Jan, Val, Chris and
I sat at the table doing our homework. At 5.30 Chris
and I changed into old slacks and sweaters and
then went out and met Carol, Lyndsay, Viv and
Rosemary. Then we nervously went into the hall
and sat on a table together. We were soon jiving
with each other. Then Mr G came and the party
began. It was lovely! We played some gorgeous
games and it was all such fun! We played a sort of
Pass the Parcel only there were forfeits like find the
boy who is the most ticklish, or find the girl with
the smallest waist. This boy measured mine and
said I was 21 inches and I couldn't possibly have
been as I am 24–25 inches. There was also a
husband and wife game in the dark! But one game
you had to sit on the boys' laps. Ken said, 'Oh, this
is better,' and put his arms round me! I think he's
smashing!!!

I went very eagerly to Youth Fellowship the
next day.

Sunday 24 January

Went to Y.F. in the afternoon. Carol went too, and
seemed to enjoy herself. I sat next to Michael Young.
When we stood up to sing Ronnie put a hymn book
on my chair and I sat down straight on it. Isn't he
a beast! Ken said, 'Excuse me, Jacqueline.' Oh well,
I'm getting on!

Monday 25 January

Today Chris has done nothing but talk and think
of Peter Lock, the boy who she danced with on Sat.
and I have done nothing but talk and think of Ken.
I think he is wonderful, and very good looking in
his own way. He is about 16 or 17 and goes to work.
He lives in New Malden. He has a little sister
Geraldine who goes to Brownies and his father is
a Cub master. Ken has a fair sort of long crew cut
and lovely eyes. I gleaned this information from
Chris about his age and family etc., the rest
I observed. I only wish he had been my husband
in the game on Sat. because lots of the others
were kissing!

Thursday 28 January

We had another Maths theorem test, worst luck. I
still think of Ken an awful lot. Chris has told me
that Glenda told her in strictest confidence, mind
you, that he smoked a lot. I don't care!

Friday 29 January

Saw Glenda at dinner time and casually mentioned
Ken. It was obvious she hates him, but she said he
didn't drink or anything, just smoked. What's
wrong with a boy of seventeen or so that smokes?

Sunday 31 January

After roast dinner dashed off to Y.F. It was terribly
hot in that little room, and I almost fell asleep,
except that I was so intent on trying to screw my
head round and look at Ken. We had to discuss
some questions Mr Golden gave us. I had to be in
that horrible S— boy's group. Ugh, I think he's
awful. So overbearing, aggressive, almost fatherly!

Monday 1 February

You'll never ever guess who I saw by Norbiton
station. Ken! I almost fell over with surprise! He
was riding a bike and wearing blue jeans. I could
recognise that fair crew cut anywhere. I don't think
he saw me. Next Sunday I'm going to ask him if it
was him. I hope he'll tell me where he works. I only
hope he hasn't got a girlfriend. I know he used to
like Anne Wilkins, Johnny's sister, but I don't think
he does any more.

Tuesday 2 February

Saw him again this morning. He looked at me as
if he recognised me this time. Next Sunday looms
ahead! I have a shocking cold, but I don't feel a bit
depressed. I feel very happy, and you can guess why!

Wednesday 3 February

I went down the hill and saw Ken. Oh, you'll never
guess where I saw him go! Kingston Hill Motor
Works. Bang next door, almost! I'm ever so excited
about that!

Thursday 4 February

Saw my Ken again this morning. Sue can't
understand what I see in him as he isn't really
handsome. I don't know myself what it is, except
that I like him so much.

Friday 5 February

Saw him again. It is wonderful being able to see
him every day. It makes the day start off right, and
puts me in a good mood straight away.

Sunday 7 February

Woke up early this morning. I put the light on, did
my hair, and then settled down to homework. Oh
how I HATE it. It rules my life, it does really.

In the afternoon went to Y.F. Us girls were the first
there (I got a lift in Carol's car) and Mr Golden asked
us to put the chairs out. We only put the girls' out.
Mr G asked where the boys would sit and Chris said
'On our laps,' whereupon Mr G replied 'A good idea!'
Didn't get a chance to talk to Ken as he came late
and went early. We talked about newspapers; it was
quite interesting. When he stood up to sing Ronnie
and John put a hymn book on Brian Tiplady's chair.
He sat down, and almost fell off again. It was
so funny!

I was so obsessed with Ken that I thought it
worth writing in my diary on 9 February: 'Saw Ken
but only a glance as I went past him on the bus.'
On 10 February I didn't even see him and thought
this
important enough to record: 'Didn't see Ken
today, worst luck. Chris and Sue told me to call out
hello to him next time I see him. I think I will, you
know. I wonder what will happen!'

Nothing much! On 11 February: 'I didn't see
Ken again but Chris told me she saw him on her
way home from school, the lucky thing.'

I didn't mention him for a day or two, and then:

Sunday 14 February

At Y.F. Mr Golden suggested that we girls should
make a cloth for the table. No fear! I'm hopeless at
needlework. We talked about adverts this week and
it was very interesting. We had to divide up into
two groups and think up as many adverts as
we could in 10 minutes, like 'Cadum for Madam'
and 'Hey diddle diddle there's a hole in the middle'.
We thought of piles including 'Goodnight, sleep
tight, and don't forget to use Harpic every night'.
Us girls had hysterics when Mr G started talking
about 'home helps'.
[Why?]
Ken dashed off like last
week so didn't get a chance to talk to him. But
actually my interest is decidedly waning as he is
rather scruffy. I'll just have to find someone else.

It didn't take me long.

Wednesday 17 February

Saw CRAIG going home. Oh, I think he is so nice
but I mustn't let on to anyone.

Craig? He was a blond boy who lived in our flats.
There'll be more about him later. Much more
interestingly to me now, that diary entry continues:

Saw Mr Townsend on the 213 bus. I almost fainted!
He looked ever so tanned and handsome and talked
to Carol and me. Carol agreed with me that Mr
Townsend looked very young. I remarked that
perhaps it is only because we are older. He said that
we were nearly old enough to go out to the pictures
with him. He also asked if Cherry was still as noisy
as ever, at which I promptly replied 'YES!!!'

Dear Mr Townsend, my favourite teacher at my
primary school. I wrote a whole chapter about him
in
Jacky Daydream
– and I was so touched when
Mr Townsend wrote to me after it was published.
He'd seen me on a television programme going
round Latchmere, reminiscing happily about him.
I was so pleased to be able to tell him just how
much he meant to all of us.

I seemed to have an embarrassingly vast
capacity for crushes. I went to the Adam Faith show
with Carol on 21 February, the first time I'd ever
been to a pop concert. It was a small gig by modern
standards, on the stage of the Granada cinema, but
I was bowled over:

The John Barry Seven were ever so good. You
had to clap, you couldn't help it while the music
pounded out, everyone was joining in the beat. I've
never experienced anything like it, you don't feel at
all self conscious, just madly hep. Of course Adam
was wonderful. Honestly, I've never believed girls
could scream so loud! Adam looked ever so
handsome though!

I've stuck a photo of him on another page in my
diary, with 'Adam for Always!' and 'Faith Forever'
written in lurid green biro.

I still remembered Alan fondly, my first
'boyfriend' back at primary school.

Friday 26 February

Carol told me that she saw ALAN yesterday. Oh,
how clear everything is now. Until she mentioned
him, I didn't realise how much I still like him. Ken
was just a substitute for ALAN because he reminded
me a little of him (they both have fair hair, etc.).
Likewise my fair Craig. Carol said ALAN had on
a seaman's cap and a navy overcoat. He told me
when he was ten that he was going in the Merchant
Navy, but fancy him sticking to it. I expect he was
home on leave.

Alan would only have been fourteen, the same
age as me, but I think there was a special boy sailor
entry into the Merchant Navy in those days.

Wednesday 2 March

Going home Carol and I reminisced about the old
days at Latchmere.

Oh Alan.

Oh Alan, do you remember the dressing room up
in the gallery where we used to go? Do you remember
the purple velvet crinoline we found there that I
dressed up in?

Do you remember our 'sunbathing' with Robert and
Eileen, etc.?

Do you remember when I suddenly saw you looking
at me, and we looked for a long time and then
kissed?

Oh, I wish I was back at Latchmere.

I wasn't really in love with Alan, we'd just been
children. I wasn't in love with Craig or Ken or
Adam Faith. I was simply in love with the idea of
being in love. I was fourteen and it was spring.

Sunday 6 March

I went to Y.F. this afternoon, wearing Mum's cream
Spring coat. On the bus I noticed lots of signs
that Spring is here. There were many pink apple
blossom trees in full bloom. Malden bridge was
being mended and the bus couldn't get through, so
I had to walk part of the way, but I didn't mind.
While we were singing the hymn at Y.F. John
Reynolds kept on staring at me. Chris has had her
hair done; it looked very nice. Mr G talked about
T.V. It was very interesting, especially when he
talked about a programme about teenagers.

John Reynolds now?

I did still have a mind, in spite of all the
boy-madness.

Monday 7 March

We had double Art with Mrs Canter. She suggested
I take O level Art in my G.C.E. At the same time
she pointed out that although my 'Picture of the
corner of our living room' was technically good, it
was uninteresting. I couldn't agree more about it
being dull, but how can one make a window, a
radiator, a chair, part of a wall and part of a ceiling
look thrilling? Admittedly Van Gogh did a lovely
enthralling oil painting of a chair, but I am not
Vincent Van Gogh, a genius at Art. For Latin
homework we had one sentence 'The Romans seized
the Sabine women'. How funny, because last
Tuesday I saw the picture in the National Gallery
'The Rape of the Sabines'. Now I know where the
word 'rape' is derived from, as the polite word
'seized' in Latin is rapio. In Drama Club I had to
be three people all at once!