My Side (18 page)

He shrugged, “I’m
coming.”

I rubbed my face,
laughing, “Why are you so difficult?”

He knelt at the edge
of the bed, “You want me. You want to be with me, but it’s like you only want
it here, in the apartment. Why?”

I held my hands over
my face, “I’m scared of you out there.” I pulled my hands away and looked at
him, “I’m scared to watch you be that guy. I don’t want to share him with the
world. I just want him to be mine.” His face was stoic so I continued, “I know
it’s a selfish shit thing to say, but when I was a little girl and I was
daydreaming about the life I would have, this wasn’t it. Some girls dream about
famous guys and fancy things. I dreamt about my own condo in Manhattan, fancy
shoes and things I bought myself, a successful career as a lawyer at a firm in
New York, and a BMW. I always wanted a BMW.”

His look darkened,
“I’ll buy you a fucking BMW tomorrow. But you can’t choose how things are going
to work out. You have to roll with the punches and try to take life in stride.”

I cocked an eyebrow,
“Says the guy who beat the shit out of the competition, who was winning on the
show, and got kicked off for it.”

The demons won the
battle of dark and light in his eyes. He leaned into me, “You don’t know shit.”
He got up and left. I bit my lip, panicking and unsure of what to say or do.
I’d pushed him too far. The slamming of the front door made my eyes widen.

“Shit.” I grabbed my
phone and dialed Gerry.

“Hey, girlie.”

I shouted into the
phone, “
I pissed him off—bad. He
just left
.”

He sighed, “God
dammit. Erin, we’re two weeks from the fucking Late Night and After Hours
shows. Two weeks.”

I got up from the bed
and slipped on my flip-flops and grabbed my wallet, “I’m not his fucking
babysitter. I’m his… I’m a…”

“Just stop fucking
with him. Jesus Christ. You’re his girlfriend or you’re gone. That’s it. It’s
you making him bat-shit crazy. He used to be normal.”

I screamed into the
phone, “FUCK YOU, GERRY! IT’S MORE COMPLEX THAN THAT!” I hung up the phone and
ran from the apartment. His car was gone. I ran as fast as I could, until I saw
a cab. I flagged him and climbed in when he stopped. I heaved, “Dirty,
trucker-stop restaurants.” I gulped air.

He gave me a confused
look. I pointed, “The greasy-spoon truck stops in the industrial parks. Now,
please.”

He gave me a crazy
look. We dove for an hour, hitting them all. He was nowhere to be found and the
trip cost me two hundred dollars. I didn’t know where else to look for him. I
drummed my fingers against the window as he left me back at my place.

“Thanks, Jim,” I said
and climbed out.

He waved, “Good luck,
Erin. I hope you find him.” I closed the door and stepped up to the door of the
house.

Jim shouted through
the open window, “Did you consider checking the buzz website? They track
celebrity sightings. I seen there was something about that girl from Star Wars,
like a week ago. She was having coffee and they were taking pictures.”

I tilted my head,
“Duhhh, of course.” I ripped my phone out and Googled. I clicked on a site and
instantly my stomach dropped as I saw the photos. There were hundreds of
sightings.
Lochlan kissing girls, signing body parts, getting
group shots, and being goofy with hoards of girls.
I lowered my phone,
“Nope. Thanks anyway.” I didn’t want to find him. I dialed the number I hadn’t
dialed in ages.

“T&N, Tom here.”

I put the key into the
door and walked inside, “Hey, Tom. It’s Erin Benson. I’m wondering if anything
ever came up.”

“Hey, Erin. Yeah, but
Lochlan called and canceled the hunt. He even gave me five grand to not answer
your emails, even if you begged for an apartment.” How did he have so much
money? Why didn’t he buy nicer clothes, instead of bribing landlords?

“Yeah, well he’s
insane.” I nodded as I climbed the stairs, “I need one. Just a one bedroom,
furnished, I don’t care where. I’d like closer to the school, but I’d take
anything.”

“I promised him, I
wouldn’t. I’m sorry, Erin.”

“Yup.” My strong
yup
was back. I hung up and walked into the apartment. I
went directly to my room. I didn’t care about any of it. I turned the lock and
lay down with my books. I needed to study. I needed to succeed in my career,
the same way he did.

I looked at my watch
and grunted, “Shit.” I had a class. I ran with my books, just barely making it.
We had a guest speaker.
A lady with shiny hair and a hard
face.
Dean watched me from the side of the room as she spoke, “Good
afternoon. My name is Donna
King,
I work for the
district attorney’s office. I have been a prosecutor for fifteen years.” She
took a sip of her water, “Much like many of you, I always wanted this. I find
lawyers are like doctors; they wanted it from an early age and never looked
back. The time management, dedication, overtime, and workaholic tendencies are
much the same in both groups.” She walked over to a board, “Statistically
speaking, we work longer and harder hours than surgeons. We dedicate ourselves
to the job, to the point most of us never marry or have kids.” Her eyes flicked
to Dean. He smiled brightly. The class laughed but there was a tension in us
all. She was bringing up the flaw in the job that would become the flaw in us.

“I won’t ever have
kids, but I look at the kids I’ve saved from the streets or domestic violence,
and I see that as an important role. Could I have kids and do this job?
Absolutely, but it takes a special kind of partner. You need to be supported by
a person with regular hours and an understanding heart.”

She lost me there.
Everything I was feeling and thinking got worse. The thick black line on the
floor was still there in my mind. On one side,
it would be
about me and on the other
,
it would be about him
.

I sat and spaced out
until she finished. I clapped along with everyone else but I was sick. I fled
the classroom before Dean could corner me. Gerry had, no doubt, told him of the
bad thing I’d done.

I walked home slowly
to do my homework.

Of course, I ended up
looking up more sightings. Just putting his name into the Internet yielded a
million responses.
Him shopping with Danny at the mall.
Him drinking a soda with a dark-haired girl, giving her a smile I would sell my
soul for. There wasn’t a single picture where he was doing anything wrong. Everything
he was doing was normal, celebrity shit. It was
me
. He
wasn’t the problem. He was just chasing his dream, and I was willing to crush
it to make him mine. I hated the person I was becoming with him.

There was something
wrong with me. I was becoming something like my ex-stalker with Lochlan. I
understood Mitch’s need to control me and have me be with him. It was an
addiction. I had used Lochlan’s love and guilt as a weapon. I’d manipulated
him. I didn’t recognize myself. I packed my
bags,
I
needed to get away before he got home, hating himself for whatever he’d done
when he was angry.

I packed everything
and slipped out the door to the living room. Danny was gone too. I dragged my
bags out the door and down the hall. I didn’t ever know where I was going. The
closest hotel was the Sheraton. It was going to have to be my new house for a
couple days, until I could find something else.

I flagged a cab and
jumped in as he loaded my bags. He drove fast, maybe sensing the crazy inside
of me. I paid him and dragged my bags to the door.

The bellhop grabbed my
stuff and carried it inside. I got my room and followed my bags to the
elevator. It was like every step I took, little pieces of me dropped off onto
the shiny floor. By the time I got into the elevator, I was completely numb and
totally hollow.

I was making a
mistake. I knew that. I was taking the wrong turn at the fork in the road. I
was choosing the unspectacular and protecting my heart. I would regret it for
the rest of my life. I knew that. The problem with picking the safe
road,
was that your mind instantly wanted you to see, all
the things you’d missed on the other road.

His smiled flashed in
my mind as I held myself and fell asleep, telling myself I was doing it for
him, when really I was picking me. Unspectacular me.

Good Night North Dakota

I had everything
mapped out for the project. I nodded when I saw how I had reasoned it all. I
was back on top. My Torts were done. My project was completed. I had my debate
on swamplands polished and memorized.

Granted, I had to turn
off my phone, forbid any calls to come through to my room, ignore my own
brother, and not watch any sort of media to do it. I sat back and smiled,
crossing my arms over the robe and sighed. It was a blissful sort of peace,
being away from him.

The pounding on the
door, took all of that away.

“Erin, it’s Gerry.
Hurry up.” I looked at my project and then at the door. The panic in his voice
claimed me. I ran for the door, opening it.

He looked rough,
“You’re okay?”

I nodded, confused and
scared, “Is he?”

He nodded, “Yeah. God
bless your brother. He took him home to North Dakota. We canceled the shows for
the week.”

My jaw dropped, “He
did what?”

He nodded, “He is a
saint, I fucking swear it.” He came in and closed the door.

I swallowed, “Oh my
God. He took him home?”

Gerry scowled, “Be
grateful. He was a wreck. He was so mad at
you,
I
thought he was going to destroy the house. He came to my
place,
I think he expected you to come there. Anyway, Danny came and was wonderful.
He’s an amazing guy. Half our success is Danny. He keeps Lochlan cool and makes
it about the music, ya know?”

I shook my head, “What
are you talking about?”

He ate some of the
chocolate from the wrapper on the counter, “I’m talking about your brother? Have
you been doing drugs or drinking?”

I covered my eyes with
my hands, “My Lochlan is in my hometown?” I shook my head, “Lochlan, he’s at my
house?”

He laughed, “I have a
flight booked for you to go see him, don’t worry. I know I’m not bloody well
missing it.”

I crouched to the
floor, hugging myself, “Oh my God. He’s in Grand Forks, with Danny. Do you know
what this means?”

He shook his head. I
swallowed my stomach acids, “He’s meeting my parents and winning them over, and
when I break up with him, I’m going to be the monster. No one can be mad at
Loch. No one.” I slapped my forehead, “Oh fuck, Danny. You asshole.”

I pulled off my robe
and pulled on my clothes. Gerry blushed and turned around. I sneered, “Oh
please, we’re on the same team.”

He snorted and started
shoving my clothes into my bags.

“I have to turn in
this project before we go.”

His cheeks blushed a
deeper red, “I can get Dean to pick it up from my place; he has a key. He might
even still be there.”

I laughed bitterly,
“Of course he does. God, tell me he is as sexy under the clothes?”

He gave me a sly
smile, “Girl, whew.” He fanned himself. I nodded, “I knew it. I could tell.”

He gushed, “He’s so
sweet and he wears those professor sweaters with the elbow patches. Oh my God.
He lifts weights and runs and plays tennis. He is so fit. His friends are
amazing and fun. They’re foodies and they love wine and music. They think he’s
the lucky one. He does too. He thinks he’s lucky to be with me.”
He sounded so mystified
,
I loved it
.

I nodded, “He is the
lucky one.”

His eyes glistened,
“I’m so sorry for screaming at you.”

I shook my head and
leapt into his arms, “I needed it.”

He hugged me, “You and
Dean are the same. You’re so clean cut and straight-laced, and you don’t see
how amazing you are.”

“He can’t live without
you, Erin. He can’t. No one can live the star life all the time. They need the
other half.” I wanted to choke him. I wanted my job to be as important, but we
both knew the truth of it.

We raced from the
room, to the car, and then to Gerry’s to drop my stuff off. Dean was still
there. The only time I wasn’t having a stroke, was when Dean kissed Gerry
goodbye. My heart melted when he ran his hand along his jaw and pulled him in.
He took my bags and my report, and gave me a wave.

Gerry got back into
the car, giving me a sideways glance, “Shut up.”

I gushed, “Oh my God,
you guys are so cute.”

He put a hand up, “I
don’t want to jinx this one, okay? So stop
!.
”

I zipped my lips and
beamed. He rolled his eyes.

When we got to the
airport, we ran as fast as we could to catch our fight. Even the ride on the
plane, didn’t stop me from obsessing. We hit turbulence and I barely batted an
eyelash at it. I didn’t do my usual paper-bag thing or anything.