Nanny Piggins and the Runaway Lion (3 page)

It took some time for the children and Boris to persuade Nanny Piggins that her all-black outfit and chocolate smeared all over her face were not necessary for performing a Neighbourhood Watch patrol.

'The idea is that the burglars
do
see you and keep away,' said Derrick.

'But if they see me I'll lose the element of surprise when I attack,' argued Nanny Piggins.

'You know you promised the Police Sergeant you would stop attacking people, regardless of the crimes against fashion you think they are committing,' said Boris.

'I only said that so he would take off the handcuffs,' muttered Nanny Piggins. 'All right, I'll change.'

When Nanny Piggins emerged from her bed room a few moments later she was wearing her hot-pink wrestling leotard. The children did not know what to say.

'There's nothing wrong with this outfit, is there?' challenged Nanny Piggins.

'Well, the burglars will certainly be able to see you coming,' agreed Derrick.

'And when they do, they'll definitely stay away,' added Michael.

'But you're not planning to do any actual wrestling tonight, are you?' asked Samantha. If her nanny was going to attack criminals, she would need to take along extra supplies of recuperative chocolate.

'No, I have no plans. But it is best to be prepared,' said Nanny Piggins airily as she picked up her official Neighbourhood Watch torch and set out into the streets.

It turned out that Neighbourhood Watch patrolling was nowhere near as glamorous as Nanny Piggins had hoped. In the first five minutes of their patrol they encountered no jewel thieves, kidnappers, or even pirates. And Nanny Piggins did not even have much fun spying on her neighbours. Word had got about that she had joined the Neighbourhood Watch, so everyone in the local area had been sure to draw their curtains, lock their doors and make sure all the roof tiles were securely attached to their roofs.

They did have some fun going through Mrs McGill's rubbish bins and counting out all the empty bottles. And Nanny Piggins had enjoyed catching Mr Mahmood's cat, then kicking in his back door to return it to him. But on the whole, walking the streets in the middle of the night was a little dull. When Nanny Piggins had agreed to become involved in crime prevention, she had assumed there would be some crime to prevent. Fortunately, however, she did not have to wait much longer before a serious infringement came to her attention.

They were walking along a street when they began to hear a loud throbbing noise.

'What on earth is that noise?' asked Nanny Piggins.

'It is some sort of dreadful pulsing sound,' said Boris.

'Perhaps an evil scientist is testing some kind of doomsday device somewhere in the neighbourhood,' suggested Nanny Piggins hopefully.

'No, I think it's just someone having a party. It's music,' said Derrick.

'Music?!' exclaimed Nanny Piggins.

'Surely not!' exclaimed Boris.

'Music has melody and rhythm,' said Nanny Piggins.

'And it sounds nice,' added Boris.

'But that is just a dreadful droning noise,' said Nanny Piggins.

'It's like a headache coming from the outside of your head,' agreed Boris.

'A lot of people like music that sounds like that,' explained Samantha.

'Really?' said a bewildered Nanny Piggins. 'Well then, we'll just have to put a stop to that! Come along.' Nanny Piggins marched purposefully in the direction of the party noise.

'Should we stop her?' asked Samantha.

'Do you think you could?' asked Michael.

So they all hurried after Nanny Piggins, not wanting to miss out on the scene that was sure to follow.

Nanny Piggins knocked loudly on the front door of the house emitting the 'music' and then took a few steps back, ready to do a flying side-kick to smash her way in, when the door swung open.

'Hello,' said the youth who answered the door.

'I am Nanny Piggins of Neighbourhood Watch,' said Nanny Piggins boldly (not in the least self-conscious that she was wearing a hot-pink wrestling leotard).

'Oh, sorry. Do you want us to turn down the music?' asked the youth.

'I do not!' said Nanny Piggins. 'This is a party, isn't it?'

'Um . . . yes,' admitted the youth.

'Then it would be wrong to have quiet music,' said Nanny Piggins. 'No, on behalf of Neighbourhood Watch and music lovers everywhere, I am ordering you to play
better
music.'

'But this song is number three on the dance charts,' protested the youth.

'Pish!' said Nanny Piggins. 'Out of my way. I can see I shall have to deal with this personally.' Nanny Piggins pushed past the youth, entered the house, found the stereo and removed the off ending CD. 'Boris, find me some real music.'

Boris was already scanning the CD collection. 'They don't have any. It's all alternative dance music, indie rock and that dreadful wailing music young women listen to when they've broken up with their boyfriends.'

'This is more serious than I realised,' said Nanny Piggins. 'Derrick, fetch me the telephone.' Nanny Piggins turned to address the crowd of party-goers. 'Don't panic, people, we'll soon have this sorted out.'

Within fifteen minutes an Argentinean Milonga band, who owed Nanny Piggins a favour (she had helped them escape Argentina during the dictatorship by firing them into Bolivia with her cannon), had arrived and started playing tango music. Nanny Piggins then proceeded to teach all two hundred of the young party-goers how to do real dancing.

It ended up being the best party any of them had ever been to. Even the stroppiest and sullenest of the young people started to brighten up when they listened to actual good music, played well, by real musicians instead of a computer. They all danced until dawn, then ate the cupcakes Nanny Piggins baked them for breakfast, before the party broke up and everyone headed home (to get dressed for school).

So Nanny Piggins was tangoing down the street with Derrick, while Boris carried Samantha and a very sleepy Michael, when they turned the corner and spotted Valerie from the Neighbourhood Watch standing outside their house, waiting for them.

'Good morning,' called Nanny Piggins. 'We had a wonderful patrol last night. I didn't have to wrestle with anybody. Which just goes to show, wearing a hot-pink wrestling leotard can be preventative. The rest of the Neighbourhood Watch should consider adopting them as their uniform.'

But Valerie did not appear to be impressed. 'While you were out on patrol last night, there were seven break-ins.'

'But we didn't see anything,' said Nanny Piggins.

'Were you out on the street looking for crime?' asked Valerie.

'Well no, we went into a home to prevent crime against music,' admitted Nanny Piggins.

'You neglected your duties,' accused Valerie. 'You let the neighbourhood down.'

'But they were playing really dreadful music,' protested Nanny Piggins. 'Surely that is a greater crime than someone stealing a few material goods?'

'They stole Mrs Cuthbert's massaging footbath,' said Valerie.

'No,' gasped Nanny Piggins, Boris and the still conscious children (Michael was fast asleep).

'These thieves are heartless,' said Nanny Piggins.

'I am officially throwing you out of Neighbourhood Watch,' announced Valerie. 'Hand in your torch.' Valerie held out her hand expectantly.

'But –' protested Nanny Piggins.

'No buts,' said Valerie.

'I left my torch at the party,' said Nanny Piggins.

'Typical,' said Valerie, with which she turned on her heel and stalked away.

The children and Boris held their breaths waiting for Nanny Piggins' response. It was not as explosive as they were expecting. But that only made it more frightening.

'Tonight I shall get revenge,' said Nanny Piggins. 'Revenge on the burglars for daring to break into houses on the night of my patrol. And revenge against Neighbourhood Watch for daring to throw me out of their organisation, which, I might add, I would never have even joined in the first place if I had not been plied with so many free jam-filled doughnuts!'

That night Nanny Piggins again donned her all-black clothes and chocolate-smeared face. She then paid a visit to Miss Smith, the elderly spinster next door, and borrowed the horn from her gramophone.

'What are you going to use that for?' asked Derrick.

'You know how, in the olden days, deaf people used to use an ear horn to aid their hearing?' asked Nanny Piggins. 'Well, I am going to use this as a nose horn so I can amplify my already extraordinary sense of smell to track down these naughty burglars.'

'You're going to sniff the burglars out?' asked Michael.

'Precisely,' said Nanny Piggins. 'Come along, there's no time to lose.'

So Nanny Piggins, Boris and the children again took to the streets. This time following Nanny Piggins as she sniffed through the gramophone horn.

'Can you smell anything?' asked Boris.

'There is an odour of mischief coming from that direction,' said Nanny Piggins, pointing towards the end of the street. She closed her eyes and continued sniffing and the others followed her. They followed Nanny Piggins to the top of the street, around the corner, across the park, down an alley, over a footbridge and into another street.

'Stop!' said Nanny Piggins.

'What is it?' asked Derrick.

'Can't you smell it?' asked Nanny Piggins. 'There is someone up on that roof at the end of the block, trying to climb down through the chimney.'

'Santa?' asked Boris hopefully.

'No,' said Nanny Piggins, sniffing again. 'A burglar.'

As the children squinted into the darkness, they could just make out the even darker shape of someone standing on a roof.

'Derrick, use that callbox to telephone the police. Tell them I am about to make a citizen's arrest,' said Nanny Piggins as she marched purposefully towards the house.

'But how?' asked Michael.

'You will be careful, won't you?' worried Samantha.

'Pish,' said Nanny Piggins as she started to climb a nearby tree. 'It's that burglar who is going to wish he was more careful.'

'Are you going to drop on him when he walks past?' asked Michael. He enjoyed it when his nanny ambushed people. Particularly when it was the milkman. She was always attacking him whenever he left skim milk by mistake.

'No, I've got a better idea,' said Nanny Piggins. 'Boris, grab this branch I'm sitting on and pull it down to the ground.'

'All right,' said Boris. Being ten foot tall and weighing seven hundred kilograms meant that pulling back a large tree branch was easy for him.

'Now, let go!' ordered Nanny Piggins.

'Are you sure?' asked Boris.

'Just do it!' said Nanny Piggins.

'Okay,' said Boris, letting go of the branch so that it whipped back up and hurled Nanny Piggins high in the air.

'Wow!' exclaimed Michael.

'What have I done?!' exclaimed Boris.

'Hand me some chocolate before I faint!' exclaimed Samantha.

Nanny Piggins shot up into the night sky, over the gable of the roof, and came down with a crash right on top of the burglar. They immediately started wrestling. Fortunately Nanny Piggins had her hot-pink lycra leotard on under her black clothing, because the burglar was surprisingly good. Someone had obviously taught him some first-rate techniques. But Nanny Piggins won easily when they both fell off the roof into a hydrangea bush, and Nanny Piggins used her superior aerial ability to ensure that she landed on top.

'You're under citizen's arrest!' said Nanny Piggins.

'Urh,' moaned the burglar.

'Hurrah!' said Boris and the children as they rushed forward to check that Nanny Piggins was all right.

'How dare you steal from a nice person's home,' chided Nanny Piggins. 'But, more importantly, how dare you humiliate me in front of Neighbour hood Watch by stealing on the night of my patrol.' And with this she pulled the ski mask off the burglar's face and then recoiled in shock.

'Valerie Darvas?!' exclaimed Nanny Piggins. For beneath the ski mask was, indeed, the captain of Neighbourhood Watch.

'You silly pig,' ranted Valerie. 'I've been getting away with robbing the houses in this neighbour hood for years using Neighbourhood Watch as my cover. And now you've ruined everything. I only invited you to join because I thought a pig would be the perfect patsy to my schemes.'