Nanny Piggins and the Runaway Lion (8 page)

Nanny Piggins'
Hamlet
had begun. It is amazing what stunts, pyrotechnics and a real motorbike chase through the audience can do to liven up sixteenth-century literature. Nanny Piggins had written out Hamlet's drippy girlfriend Ophelia and replaced her with the much more exciting Phillipa, a motorbike-riding guitar player who runs off and leaves Hamlet so she can become an astronaut. She got rid of the bit where Hamlet was rude to his mother and put in a scene where Hamlet's mother gave him a stern talking to about always showing appropriate respect to women. And she replaced the bloodthirsty ending where everyone gets stabbed with a happy ending where everyone gets cake. Altogether it was the most wonderful, touching, rollicking play ever performed anywhere in any language.

After laughing, then crying, then laughing some more, the audience got to their feet and gave a cheering standing ovation. Everyone, including Mrs Fortescue-Brown, was in one hundred per cent agreement that it was the best play ever.

So Nanny Piggins, Boris and the children returned home in high spirits. Even Mr Green was happy. Everyone had said he was very convincing as a tree.

'That was amazing!' gushed Michael.

'I never knew theatre could be so exciting and dangerous!' exclaimed Samantha delightedly, while holding an icepack to her forehead where she had been struck by a rogue catherine-wheel.

'It's just a shame you can never perform
Nanny Piggins' Hamlet
again,' said Derrick.

For when the owner of the theatre had arrived he was horrified to see the hole in the roof (where Nanny Piggins had been fired out of a cannon for her curtain call), the motorbike track marks torn into the carpet where Phillipa had made her dramatic exit to join NASA, and the fire brigade putting out the curtain that had caught alight during the grand cake-eating finale, which naturally involved even more fireworks. The theatre owner had made Nanny Piggins promise to never ever direct, produce or star in any production of any theatrical performance ever again. And since Nanny Piggins believed in making your exit while your audience still held you in awed amazement, she agreed.

'It's for the best,' said Nanny Piggins. 'If you put on a play that good, everyone will want to see it. It would be cruel to the public to do any less than five performances a night. And a workload that great would become exhausting after five or six years. No, better to retire now, knowing I have written and performed the world's greatest play.'

'With a little help from Shakespeare,' reminded Samantha.

'Hmm, a
little
,' muttered Nanny Piggins.

Nanny Piggins and the children were putting the finishing touches on a beautiful wedding cake. No-one they knew was getting married but Nanny Piggins was not going to let a little thing like that stop them from enjoying a seven-tier chocolate cake with marzipan icing and handmade sugar flowers. The four of them had been making the cake all morning. It would have been finished sooner but Nanny Piggins kept stopping to eat all the ingredients (they'd had to go back to the supermarket three times already). Plus they each had to take it in turns hugging Boris and handing him tissues as he sat crying in the corner, because he was Russian and weddings always made him emotional.

So Derrick and Samantha were just holding a ladder while Nanny Piggins stood on the top step and reached precariously across to pipe the words 'I love cake' on the centre of the uppermost layer when, suddenly, Mr Green burst in through the back door, banging into the stepladder and knocking Nanny Piggins to the floor. (Fortunately she was a flying pig so she landed gracefully on her bottom.)

'Quick, hide! Nowhere is safe! It's all over the news! We're all doomed!' shrieked Mr Green as he ran down the corridor, up the stairs and into his bedroom, where he slammed the door and locked it.

'What on earth has happened to your father?' asked Nanny Piggins as she picked herself up and dusted off her dress. 'He's even ruder than normal.'

'Perhaps he's finally snapped,' suggested Michael.

'Or perhaps he's being audited,' guessed Samantha, knowing nothing frightened her father more.

'Or perhaps he needs a hug,' said Boris. (Being a bear, bear-hugging was his solution to most problems.)

'Maybe we should watch the news and see what he's going on about,' suggested Derrick.

So the five of them sat down to watch TV. Nanny Piggins did not normally approve of watching the news because it was always miserable and there were often disturbing images that put you off whatever you were eating. Plus they insisted on giving all the sports results at the end, which always made Nanny Piggins' eyes roll back into her head from boredom. But on this occasion the first news item was indeed shocking and they could soon see why Mr Green was behaving like an even bigger cowardy custard than normal.

'A large female lion was seen walking through a shopping centre earlier this morning,' announced the newsreader. 'Citizens are urged to remain calm and stay indoors until the animal has been captured.'

'That's our shops!' exclaimed Samantha, as they watched grainy footage of the rear end of a lion disappearing into their local bookshop, which was right next door to the supermarket where they had bought fifty kilograms of castor sugar, thirty bags of flour and five blocks of chocolate (to eat on the way home) earlier that morning.

'Should we lock all the doors and windows?' panicked Derrick.

'Pish!' said Nanny Piggins. 'It's only a lion. And besides, there's something about that lion . . . she looks familiar.'

'I know what you mean,' agreed Boris. 'We could only see her hind leg. And it was very fuzzy. But there was something about that fuzzy hind leg . . .'

Suddenly there was a knock at the door.

'It's the lion!' shrieked Samantha as she flung herself facedown on the sofa and hid her head under a pillow. She was so afraid of being savaged to death by an African wild cat she was not thinking straight, or she would have realised there was no way a pillow could protect her.

'A lion wouldn't knock on the door, silly,' said Michael.

'I don't see why not,' said Nanny Piggins. 'How else do they let people know when they want to be let in?'

'Why don't we look out the window?' suggested Derrick. 'That way no-one has to open the door and risk getting eaten.'

'Good thinking,' agreed Nanny Piggins.

So Derrick peeked out through the lace curtains.

'If it is a lion,' added Nanny Piggins, 'she is most welcome to have the steak I bought for Mr Green's tea.'

'It's not. It's a man dressed in some sort of military uniform,' said Derrick.

Now it was Nanny Piggins turn to leap up in panic. 'The military! How did they find out I was here?!' she exclaimed.

'What have you done to upset the military?' asked Samantha. She was starting to hyperventilate now. It was hard to worry about so many things at once.

'I can't tell you, it's classified,' said Nanny Piggins furtively, as she ran about the room stuffing things into her handbag. 'But suffice to say, I may have accidentally given away military secrets to a foreign government in exchange for a particular delicious slice of tea cake.'

Bang, bang, bang – the man beat on the door. 'Sarah Piggins, I know you are in there. You will answer the door!' he ordered in a strange foreign accent.

'Well goodbye, children, it's been a pleasure being your nanny. I'll miss you terribly, but I will write as soon as I get to South America,' said Nanny Piggins as she rushed towards the back door.

'Hang on!' said Boris, grabbing his sister by the collar. 'Don't you recognise that voice?'

'What?' said Nanny Piggins, her feet dangling in the air.

'I will count to three then this door shall be opened,' said the man on the doorstep. 'One . . . two . . .'

'Of course! I'd recognise that Danish accent anywhere! It's not the military!' exclaimed Nanny Piggins. 'It's the Lion Tamer from the circus!'

Boris put his sister down and she rushed over to throw open the front door. 'Jasper, darling! How are you?' said Nanny Piggins.

The Lion Tamer bowed politely, clicking his heels together, then bent low to kiss the back of Nanny Piggins' trotter.

'Piggins, we meet again,' said the Lion Tamer.

'Why is he wearing jodhpurs, knee-high leather boots and a military jacket?' Samantha whispered to Boris, thinking that the Lion Tamer looked even more frightening than her maths teacher.

'He just likes to dress that way,' said Boris. 'You get all sorts in the circus. Just because the bearded lady looks the strangest, doesn't mean she is the strangest, if you know what I mean.'

The children did not know what he meant. But they nodded anyway, hoping they would be able to figure it out for themselves later on.

'So how are things at the circus?' asked Nanny Piggins as she led the Lion Tamer into the living room.

'The Ringmaster, he is an idiot,' said the Lion Tamer.

'Of course, that goes without saying,' agreed Nanny Piggins.

'And I have some small trouble with one of my girls,' said the Lion Tamer.

'Ah yes, of course, we just saw on the news,' said Nanny Piggins.

'That was one of the lions from the circus?!' asked Samantha, slightly relieved. If it was a circus lion perhaps it would not bite her in two, it would just leap through a flaming hoop instead.

'Ja,' said the Lion Tamer (because that is how Danish people say 'yes'). 'It was Ethel. She has run away from home.'

'Ethel!' exclaimed Nanny Piggins. 'Surely you mean Cassandra or Amy? They're the naughty ones. Ethel was always so easygoing.'

'She was the one who put me on to yoga,' agreed Boris. 'She's really in touch with both her yin and her yang'.

'It is Ethel,' snapped the Lion Tamer. 'I know this for a fact because she left a very rude letter.'

'What did it say?' asked Nanny Piggins. She always enjoyed rude letters. She particularly liked writing them herself. But reading ones written to other people was fun too.

'I burnt it,' said the Lion Tamer.

'Did you memorise it first?' asked Nanny Piggins hopefully.

'The letter is gone. And so is Ethel,' said the Lion Tamer. He then began to do the most startling thing. He started to shudder violently and make a barking noise like a seal. It was several moments before the others realised what he was doing. The Lion Tamer was crying. (It is a sad fact that a lot of men are very bad at crying. Which is why they really should practise more. That way they will not look silly when they try it.)

'She says she is running away to a petting zoo in Tanzania,' sobbed the Lion Tamer.

'Who would put a lion in a petting zoo?' Michael whispered to Boris.

'Someone who doesn't like children,' suggested Boris.

'There, there,' Nanny Piggins comforted the Lion Tamer. 'I'm sure she won't really. After all, Ethel doesn't speak Swahili. And I know for a fact she can't stand missing an episode of
The Young and the Irritable
. So there's no way she'd go to Central East Africa without asking you to record it for her.'

'I hope you're right,' sniffed the Lion Tamer. 'I miss my little kitty cat.' He burst into tears again.

'Why don't you re-catch Ethel and tell her how you feel?' asked Nanny Piggins.

'It is embarrassing,' said the Lion Tamer, blowing his nose and trying to regather some of his dignity. 'I cannot let her see me like this. A Lion Tamer must maintain strict discipline at all times.'

'Come now, that's no excuse,' said Nanny Piggins.

'Also, I tried already,' admitted the Lion Tamer, 'but Ethel will not come when I call.'

Nanny Piggins and Boris gasped.

'But she is a lion and you are the Lion Tamer. It's her job to obey you,' said Boris.

'I know. That is what I said, but she won't listen to me,' said the Lion Tamer. 'That is why I come to you. When you were at the circus, Ethel was a particular friend of yours. So please, I'm begging you to help me. Help me bring my Ethel home.'

'Of course,' said Nanny Piggins. 'You lie down quietly and have a packet of chocolate biscuits. Come along, children, fetch your father's car keys. We've got a lion to catch.'

'Shouldn't we get some sort of protective gear first? Perhaps a motorbike helmet or a Kevlar vest?' asked Samantha.

'Oh no, there's no point bothering with that,' laughed Boris. 'A lion would just rip it right off . No, the only hope you have with a lion is to be polite.'

'And hope they've just eaten a large meal,' added Nanny Piggins.

And so Nanny Piggins, Boris and the children climbed in Mr Green's vomit-yellow Rolls Royce and set out in search of Ethel the lion.

'Where do we look first?' asked Derrick.

'Well, we know not to look for her in the book-shop,' said Nanny Piggins, 'because she was there this morning.'

'But what if she didn't like the book she bought and wanted to return it?' suggested Boris.

'Good point,' conceded Nanny Piggins.

So they drove to the bookshop. When they got there they found the owner drinking a cup of tea, but his hand was shaking so badly he was getting more on the counter than in his mouth. In between the stuttering and the weeping, he was able to tell them that a terrifyingly ferocious lion matching Ethel's description had bought an English-to-Swahili dictionary earlier that morning. (And she must have been happy with it because she had not taken it back.)

'But Ethel isn't terrifying or ferocious,' protested Boris.

'There must be another lion on the loose!' exclaimed Nanny Piggins.

'Or perhaps it was Ethel and she seemed terrifying to him,' suggested Michael as he patted the shopkeeper's shoulder supportively.

'It is normal for people to be frightened of lions,' added Derrick, as he used a copy of
Great Expectations
to mop up the spilt tea.

'And she might be in a ferocious mood if she was angry enough to run away from the circus,' worried Samantha.

'I suppose,' conceded Nanny Piggins, 'but I don't know why you'd be afraid of lions when there are much more frightening beasts wandering loose – like dieticians!'

Boris shuddered. 'Imagine bumping into a dietician when you weren't expecting it.'

'Shhh,' cautioned Nanny Piggins. 'We'd better stop talking about it or we'll give the children nightmares.'