Nantucket Blue (19 page)

I SHOOK
as I walked up to the door at 4 Darling Street. I took a deep breath and knocked. After the longest thirty seconds of my life, Jules appeared at the door. She must’ve checked out a window or something, because she didn’t look shocked to see me.

“What do you want?” she asked, a hand on her hip. “Or,
Oh, I’m sorry, are you looking for Zack?
”

“No, I want to talk to you.” I handed her the bouquet of flowers that I’d picked from the backyard at the inn, but she didn’t take them. “Please.”

Jules sighed, stepped outside, and plunked down on one of the little benches. I sat opposite her and put the flowers next to her on the bench.

She crossed her arms and looked at me like she didn’t know me, like our history had been wiped from her memory. I wanted to remind her of how I’d practically lived at her house for the past year, or how I’d taught her to drive a stick in the Dunkin’ Donuts parking lot. Or how we’d danced in her old gymnastics leotards for hours to the same Rihanna song on
REPEAT
, laughing until we almost wet our pants. I wanted to find the notebook with all the notes we’d ever passed, tear the pages out, and cover her with them like a quilt. I wanted to play her the three-and-a-half-minute voice mail she left me when she got her period, in which she laughed and cried as she went back and forth between being excited and sad.

I wanted to remind her of the time I’d called her, frozen with fear, when I’d found a hair growing someplace it shouldn’t, worried I was a werewolf or a late-blooming hermaphrodite, and she didn’t laugh or make fun of me; she made me feel better. I wanted to thank her for that. I wanted to tell her how, even though it was funny now, in that moment I’d been as scared as I’d ever been. Or the time we drove to that boarding school outside Boston for their spring weekend and pretended to be Finnish exchange students. We called sodas “fizzy fizzy pop pop” and declared everything to be “extra cool” in weird, pseudo-European accents. I wanted to read our story to her like a book. In those moments, she’d made it feel like the world was ours. Now she was looking at me like any world I inhabited was one she’d flee.

“I’m so sorry,” I said, my eyes filling. “I know what I did hurt you, and I’m sorry.”

“I was trying to be nice to you at the Even Keel. I thought
I’d
been the bitch all summer.”

“I should’ve said something then,” I said, tears dripping into my lap.

“I told you I needed space from you, and you slept with my little brother.” She shook her head. “He’s a
sophomore
. Don’t you think he’s a little young for you? Don’t you think he’s a little young for anyone?”

So, Zack had told her that we’d had sex. I wanted to say that I wasn’t his first, but that wasn’t my information to share. It was Zack’s. “I can’t help how I feel. Besides, senior guys go out with sophomore girls all the time,” I added quietly. I had to point it out. “Are you mad that I lost my virginity first?”

“You didn’t.” She smiled. “I had sex with Fitzy in like, June.”

“Oh.” It made me sad for Jules. Fitzy had flirted with me when I’d run into Jay and those guys just a few days ago. Maybe it was okay that they weren’t in love. But I don’t know. I wanted something else for her. “That’s great.”

She drew a deep breath. “Is there anything else?”

“Do you think you could accept my apology?” She looked away. “I hope you at least know that I wasn’t trying to hurt you. Zack and I didn’t mean to fall in love.”

“Maybe you’re in love with him, but he’s really pissed off at you.”

“I know,” I said.

“And so is Parker. And Jay. He said you were a tease. You led him on.”

“Do you know where Zack is?” I asked. “I need to talk to him, too.”

“No. Anyway, tomorrow he goes to soccer camp. He’ll be at Fitzy’s party tonight.”

“I guess I could try to find him there,” I said. “Fitz lives on Cliff Road, right?”

“I wouldn’t go if I were you. Nobody wants to see you, Cricket. Not Jay, not Parker, not Zack. And not me.” Jules stood up and opened the front door, leaving the flowers on the bench. “Seriously, I’m telling you this as a friend. Don’t go.” She went inside and shut the door. And then she did something very un-Nantucket. She locked it.

MOM AND I MET PAUL MORGAN
at a French restaurant on Broad Street. The hostess led us inside and I spotted him right away. He was seated at a table by the window. He looked clean and handsome in searsucker pants and a crisp white shirt. He stood up to kiss Mom on both cheeks, European style. I felt proud I’d found him for Mom. “You look just the same,” he said, and pulled out a chair for her. He turned to me. “Your mom was kind of like a badass Gwyneth Paltrow.”

“That was a long time ago.” Mom blushed and ordered a white wine spritzer. As she and Paul reminisced about their beach club days, I sipped an Arnold Palmer, watched the passersby on Broad Street, and thought about my conversation with Jules. Losing her had me hunched with sadness, weighed down by a sense that the world had unraveled.

Jay thought I’d led him on. Parker thought I was desperate for going out with a sophomore. Jules thought I was a bad friend. And worst of all, Zack thought I betrayed him. I could already hear the names: Tease. Bitch. Slut. All the words designed to make girls feel bad and small. All the words I’d worked so hard to avoid could now be stuck to me like a name tag. And I would have to bear them with quiet dignity. I’d have to put the Jenna Garbetti method back into effect: lie low, look good, and learn. In order to restore my reputation at this point I’d have to lie so low I’d be subterranean. I’d have to learn so much I could operate a NASA spacecraft. I’d have to look as good as a supermodel. I ran my hand through my half-brushed hair, which Mom had encouraged me to put into a ponytail so it was off my face. And I noticed a coffee stain on my T-shirt. I placed my napkin high on my lap to cover it as I tuned back to Paul and Mom’s conversation.

“Nantucket sure has changed,” she was saying. “Was it always this upscale?”

“No,” Paul said. “It happened in the past fifteen years when the mega-rich discovered our little paradise.”

“I was in a shop today,” Mom continued as she stirred her spritzer with the little plastic straw, “and I saw a pair of sandals for seven hundred dollars. I thought, What is this?”

“Some of these shops are ridiculous, but there are also some gems.” His eyes widened and his voice rose. “I should take you shopping.”

“I would love that,” Mom said.

“We’ll get some lattes and make an afternoon of it.”

“That sounds like just what I need.” Mom and I exchanged a smile. How had I missed it? Paul Morgan was gay. I thought I’d found her the perfect new husband, but maybe what she needed right now was a new friend.

I looked up and saw Zack through the window, from behind, walking up Broad Street. I didn’t get a good look at his face, but I knew those shorts and that red T-shirt. I sat up. My heart slammed, pushing blood faster through my veins. Here was my chance to talk to him, in person and alone.

“I have to go,” I said, sitting up straight.

“Where are you going?” Mom asked. Paul looked confused.

“I see Zack,” I said. “And he’s alone. And I really want to talk to him before he gets to that party.”

“Okay,” Mom said, her brow wrinkled with concern. “Be careful.”

“What’s happening?” Paul asked, a hand to his chest.

“I’ll explain,” Mom said as I stood from the table, letting my napkin drop to the floor.

The entrance to the restaurant was crowded. There were people trying to get in and people trying to get out, and the line by the hostess podium was thick and busy with people who smelled like perfume and cologne; laughers and chatters who were slow to move out of the way. It took me a while to get clear of them. When I did, I spotted Zack at the top of the street, about to turn up Centre Street. He was on his way to Fitzy’s. It was a busy August night, and the sidewalk was crowded with amblers; couples holding hands; families walking in loose, lolling groups; and kids licking dripping, precarious ice-cream cones. “Excuse me, excuse me,” I said as I wove though them to get to Zack.

“Hey!” I called when I’d almost caught up to him. “Hey, it’s me!” He turned around. But it wasn’t Zack. It was some guy with a baby strapped to his chest.

“Sorry,” I said, a little breathless. “I thought you were someone else.”

“No worries,” said the man, and kept walking.

The man didn’t look anything like Zack. He was at least thirty or forty. My wish to see Zack was so strong I’d erased an entire baby. But now the desire to touch Zack, to hold him and kiss him and tell him that I loved him was out of its cage. It was alive and wild, set free by a man with a baby. A strong breeze pushed against my back. I caught my reflection in a store window and stared at the girl looking back at me, breathing deeply, with her hands on her hips. Her ponytail was half undone and I could see she wanted something, and wanted it bad. Why, exactly, was I going to stop her?

I was afraid to go to Fitzy’s. I was afraid of what other people thought. I was afraid of what other people would say and do. I wanted to preserve some idea of me. I was practically taking a page from the book of Boaty Carmichael, caring more about my public self than my private one. Was that who I was?

The only opinion that should matter to me was that of the girl in the mirror. Edwina MacIntosh had been saying this for years in the Rosewood School for Girls annual anti-clique speeches. For the first time, it felt true. It didn’t matter what other people thought of me; it mattered what I thought of me. I’m not sure why it was at that moment that it finally sank in, except that maybe this is how wisdom works sometimes. You hear it, and some extra-smart part of your brain that you don’t even realize you have grabs it. It stays there, hidden away, until it’s needed. I looked at my self in the window again. I bet this was what I looked like when I played lacrosse. Strong. Determined. Self-assured. I felt glad I’d gone to an all-girls’ school my whole life.

I turned up Centre Street and walked toward Fitzy’s house. I wasn’t going to lie low. Jenna Garbetti’s method wouldn’t work for me. I wasn’t Jenna Garbetti. I was Cricket Thompson.

AT FIRST NO ONE SAW ME
when I walked into Fitzy’s backyard. I stood by the rose trellis and scanned for Zack, but I didn’t see him. Fitzy, Oliver, and a few other guys were jamming on their guitars. Jay was standing nearby, alone, pumping a keg of beer. I took a deep breath and approached him.

“Hi, Jay,” I said. He looked up. I’d caught him off guard.

“Hey,” he said. I braced myself for him to call me a name, but he didn’t. The moment hung in the air until finally he spoke. “You know, if you didn’t want to go out with me, you should’ve just said so.”

“I know,” I said. “You’re so right. But here’s the thing. I’ve liked you for a really long time. I’ve dreamed of going out with you since the eighth grade. You kissing me and asking me to be your girl was literally a dream come true.”

“Then…I don’t get it.” He looked a little nervous as he filled his red plastic cup with beer. I never imagined that I might make Jay Logan nervous. Jules, who was sitting next to Parker on a wicker love seat, had noticed me. She was whispering to Parker. My mouth went dry.

“Well, I really don’t know you. When I said that thing about your brother being a loser, I didn’t know you; and when I said that I would do anything to go out with you, I didn’t know you. I just knew
of
you. I kissed you because I’d thought about it so much, because it’s something I’ve wanted for so long that I just kind of got swept up in the moment. But the thing is, I love someone else, someone I actually know.”

“This is a lot of information, C.T.” Jay sipped his beer. “You’re complicated.”

“I’m sorry if I mislead you,” I said. “Maybe you could see it as a compliment?”

“Hey, it’s cool.” To my surprise, he grinned. “I’m sorry I couldn’t make your dreams come true.” He shook his head. “And I guess it turns out Zacky Clayton has some moves.” He wiggled his eyebrows. I did not like where this was headed.

“Do you know where he is?” I asked.

“He’s inside,” Jay said. The only problem with getting inside was that I had to walk by Jules and Parker and Fitzy and Oliver and a whole gang of other kids. Some were jamming on their guitars and some smoking weed and some playing a drinking game, and others were lounging on the lawn furniture like noblemen in a palace garden. Together they radiated a force field of confidence that required physical strength to pass through.

“Hi, Jules,” I said as I walked passed her, holding my breath. Just as I climbed the steps, Zack emerged from the back door. Our eyes met. He still loves me, I thought.

“Zack,” I said. “I’m so sorry, but I can explain this whole thing. I really want to talk to you, alone.”

“Hey, desperado!” Parker called. I was standing on the steps, under a porch light. Parker was laughing, and I felt the attention of the party shift toward me.

“If you think I’m desperate, then you must not like Zack very much,” I said. Parker closed her mouth. “And that’s just stupid, because Zack is the best.” Jules flashed me a quick glance. She wasn’t smiling, but she was looking at me like she knew me again.

“Can we talk now?” I asked Zack.

“Yeah,” Zack said. “Let’s go.”

ZACK WALKED NEXT TO ME
with his arms folded over his chest. I told him the whole story of how I’d liked Jay since the eighth grade, and how when you go to an all-girls’ school you do a lot more imagining of boys than getting to know them. I told him that in one way I was sorry that I’d kissed Jay, but that it also helped me realize that my feelings for him were made up and the ones I had for Zack were real. In a weird way, I explained, the whole thing with Jay was what let me fully open up to Zack.

“But it wasn’t just the kiss. He asked you out and you said yes,” Zack said when we reached the Steps Beach rock. We kicked off our shoes and left them by the twisty wooden fence.

“It was what I had wanted for so long,” I said, following him down the steep staircase to the beach. “It was like I thought I had to. But as soon as I saw you, it was so clear how wrong I was. Does that make any sense to you? Can you understand that?”

“I don’t know,” he said when we reached the sand. I wanted him to take my hand, but he didn’t. He kept walking.

“I wish you would’ve answered my calls,” I said. “I wish you’d called me back. Or at least texted me.” I stopped walking. I didn’t want to chase after him. It took him a few paces to notice. When he did, he faced the water. “We had sex, Zack, and you didn’t call me back. It was my first time and you didn’t call me back. I don’t even know how you felt about it. I mean, I don’t even know if it was any different with me.” I tried to gauge his expression, but he gave me nothing.

“I didn’t know what to say,” he said, and bent down to pick up a stone. “Jules showed me all those notes you’d written about Jay, and said you had this whole plan about getting some other guy to like you first so that Jay would notice you.” He shook his head, skipped the stone. “That’s messed up.”

“I wrote that in, like, March.” I walked over to him, my heels sinking into the cool, soft sand. “You could’ve at least given me a chance. Did you really think I was using you? Did it
feel
like I was using you?”

“No”—he looked into my eyes and sighed—“it didn’t.”

“So, can you accept my apology?” It felt like we were staring at each other for hours, but it was probably less than a minute.

“Yes,” he said. Finally, he wrapped his arms around me. I breathed in his T-shirt; I inhaled his Zackness.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I should’ve called.” I stood on my tiptoes and rubbed his back, but when I looked up at him, he turned his face away.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I don’t know, Cricket. You helped me forget about my mom. But in the past few days…” He shut his eyes. He held his breath. “I’ve started to think about everything I’ve lost.” I pulled him closer. He was shaking. “I miss her. I miss my mom.”

“Me too.” I held him tighter. We stood holding each other for a long time. When his breathing seemed more even, I loosened my grip and looked up at him.

“Want to go swimming?” I asked.

“If we go swimming, I’m going to want you, and I just… Not right now. I know it’s crazy.” He pushed my hair behind my ear and stared at me.

“Do you want to just sit here?” I asked, trying not to let the rejection sting.

“Yeah,” he said. We sat. He flopped back in the sand. A horn sounded.

“Last ferry of the night,” I said.

“People are heading home. Summer’s over.”

I didn’t want the summer to be over. I didn’t want Nantucket to be over. I was going to have to face my senior year without my best friend, without Nina, without the Claytons’ house to run to when I couldn’t deal with my own.

I was going to have to apply to college. This time next year, I’d be heading in a completely new direction.

I lay back next to Zack because, more than anything, I didn’t want
this
to be over. I wanted to kiss him, but for the first time since we’d started this whole thing, I was unsure of what to say or do. His eyes were shut, and he was wincing against an invisible blow. For a moment I could feel him slipping away, into a heartbreak that was both enormous and private.

I put my hand on my chest. Was my heart breaking, too? I didn’t know. I missed something, longed for something I couldn’t quite name. I got up and walked into the surf up to my ankles. I stood still and quiet in the ocean mist. The water was warm, but a deep chill passed through me. Was it ghost girl making contact? Was it Nina trying to tell me something? Was it the part of me that she’d promised would stay on Nantucket leaving my body and stepping into the night air?

“It was different,” he said. I turned, surprised to see Zack standing so close. I hadn’t heard him approach.

“Good different?” I asked.

“Good different,” he said.

“Oh,” I said, smiling. “Well, that’s good. Especially since, you know, the other girl was French and everything. Historically speaking, I think the French are the best secret lovers.”

“Well, she had nothing on you. With you, I was like, okay, this is it.” He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my neck. There were those flutters. The sparking. The humming. This was not a broken heart. It was alive and jumping. I thought he was crying for a second, but when he pulled me closer I realized that he was actually laughing.

“What?” I asked. “What’s funny?”

“I don’t know,” he said, facing me and brushing the hair out of my eyes. “A few minutes ago I was going to break up with you.”

“Why?”

“I thought I needed to in order to, I don’t know, deal with everything.”

“I don’t want to break up,” I said. I had come this far. I had marched to Fitzy’s house despite being told no one wanted me there. I had stood up to Jules. I wasn’t about to hide my feelings now. “Do you?”

“No,” he said. “I’m just so confused.”

“What would the worry doctor say?” I asked.

He thought about it for a minute. Then he took a deep breath and said, “She’d say,
Zack, life is messy.
” He was speaking in a British accent.

“She’s British?” I asked.

“Australian,” he said, but continued in the British accent. “She’d say,
Life is full of conflict and complexity. The loss of your
mother is going to be very painful, and I’m afraid you’re going to
have to go through it. And it will hurt.
”

“Of course.” I nodded. A twist of pain.

“
But I’m also hearing that you’re in love
,” he continued. “
And love is a rare and wonderful thing. There is nothing in the
world that feels better.
” He took my hands and dropped the accent. “So maybe I’ll just feel both at the same time.”

“I want to be your girlfriend, not just your secret lover.” I had never had a real boyfriend before.

“Me too,” he said. “I want that, too.”

And then we kissed. Our kissing was urgent and sweet. It was mixed with laughter. We stumbled backward until we were up to our knees in the ocean, until the bottom of my shorts were wet. When we finally stopped kissing, I looked up at the sky. There were so many stars out there. Packs of them in swirling, looping galaxies. You can’t see stars like this in a city, not like you can out here on a rock in the middle of the ocean.

Feelings find each other, I thought. Let one in and the others follow. At that moment it seemed that all our feelings were shimmering above us, around us, in a new and stunning constellation.