Naw Much of a Talker (11 page)

Wee Stofer’s hoose is pretty high up oan a hill. Course, it’s in a village. It’s jist at the very top but. Fortunately, we hidnae a loatae luggage, cos
itherwise, itherwise we’d’ve been flaggin oan the way up, Regi wi aw her worries, an’ me wi aw ma muscles (not).

That it’s so faur up isnae whit sets the hoose inherited by wee Stofer apart the maist. Whit sets it apart is above aw the wee ferry ye take tae get tae the village. Ye kin, in fact, drive
a car up tae it. Ye hiv tae hiv wan first but – a car ah mean. Fae the toon, ye see, the bus takes ye tae, ye kin
see
Stofer’s village oan the ither side ae the bay. If ye want
tae go there but, ye kin eether dae a massive detour by road or take the direct route across the water. Course, we preferred the sea option.

It’s ferryboats wi naw much ae a hull we’re talkin aboot. They’d be constantly runnin ashore itherwise. Oan sandbars. Even wi naw much ae a hull but, yiv nae guarantee ye wont
run ashore suddenly an’ be stuck fur an oor, waitin fur high tide.

That’s how the ferrymen need tae know the route like the back ae their hauns. Sometimes, it’s centimetres that ur at stake. That’s whit wan ae them tellt me anyhow. Aboot
sixty, he wis, an’ he immediately started tae chat oan the ferry. His German wis really guid. Turned oot, he’d worked in Germany furra lang time. Near Karlsruhe, in a carpentry shop. A
really nice guy, honestly.

When we tellt him we wur fae Switzerland an’ wur goney spend a few weeks in anither Swiss guy’s hoose, he said he knew the hoose we meant. It hid belonged tae a German, he’d
lost his life naw that long ago but. He didnae know the guy who’d then bought it.

Naw, ah said, naw. The previous owner, faur as ah know, wisnae German but wee Stofer’s uncle. An’ wee Stofer didnae buy it. He inherited it fae that uncle.

Valentin – that wis the name ae oor new friend – jist gestured summit. It wis his way, nae doot, ae tellin us those wur unimportant details jist. He then said he didnae want tae know
the details anyhow. Ah dae but, ah said, ahd like tae. Ah like details, even as a schoolboy ah drove the teachers mad cos ah wis aye harpin oan aboot the details ae a story. An’ that’s
how ah wis sae keen tae hear whit kinda guy hid owned this hoose.

Valentin got a bit mair seriouser an’ said it wis a lang story. An’ anyhoo: we’d only jist arrived. Regula got aff the ferry, Valentin showed us the way up, then we said
cheerio an’ thanks an’ above aw: invited him tae visit us. He shid drap by some time, come fur his tea, soon as we’d settled in a bit. Thanks, he said, he wid, definately

Ah said tae Regula an’ aw: ah kinda liked this guy. Ah didnae know why masel, ahd taken tae the guy but.

An’ then, like ah said, we went up the steep path.

Dammit, Goalie, Regula went, noo ivry time we’re doon in the village, we’re goney hiv tae climb back up tae go tae bed.

Dont fret, Regi. It’s only the first time it’ll seem faur an’ steep. It’s only cos wur aw o’er the shop an’ hiv the bags, above aw. Themorra or the day eftir,
ye’ll naw even notice this wee hill. That’s the nicest thing aboot tryin tae encourage someone. Try tae encourage someone an’ ye automatically encourage yirsel at the same
time.

The hoose wisnae as cauld as we feared. It hid they wee propane radiant heaters in aw the rooms, an’ if ye let the radiators radiate a bit, the place heats up fast. In
addition tae that, the Hector guy who looks eftir the hoose hid done a perfect joab ae airin the place an’ pit oot clean bed-linen fur us. Ah tellt him wee Stofer said hello an’
stressed a few times we hid ivrythin we needed an’ of course, it wis aw the way it shid be an’ manymanythanks again an’ naw, we didnae need anythin else. We wur glad when he
finally left us. Alane.

A guid hoose, way too big fur the two ae us, naw that ah wis givin a monkey’s fuck aboot that. It his three flairs. Doonstairs, the kitchen an’ livin room, wi
access tae the garden, plus a bathroom an’ two bedrooms. Upstairs, anither four bedrooms an’ anither bathroom an’ a large terrace. Right at the top: smaller rooms fur the staff.
Naw bad, ah like even jist the idea ae that, ah tellt Regula: servants quarters.

Eftir that, ah let her choose a room. She lay doon furra bit, wis still a bit tired eftir the journey an’ that. That wis fine by me. Cos, when ahm new in a strange place, ah like tae find
ma bearins masel first. So ah wis like that tae her: you go ahead an’ grab some kip an’ ah’ll go doon tae the village fur an oor or two an’ get us summit nice tae eat.

The village widda taken ten minutes tae go roon, specially in winter when ivry shop, nearly, an’ ivry guesthoose is closed. Ah found a nice bar nivvertheless but an’ when Regi comes
in the door, ah look at ma watch an’ realise ahv awready spent four oors in here fur sure, that it’s dork ootside awready, an’ ahm pissed awready fae this aniseed brandy that goes
doon like oil an’ definitely hits the spot, only but when yir naw expectin it any mair, sorta.

Add tae that the fact ahd made friends wi two young wimmen who wur parliamoin English tae me an’ smokin wan joint eftir the fuckin ither, which didnae seem tae bother any ither cunt there,
the guy at the bar least ae aw: he’d the occasional draw himsel, then nivver forgot tae offer me some.

Och, look who it is, Regula! Hid ye tae look fur me fur long? Ahm sorry, ah lost track ae the time.

She’s like that: nae problem – an’ smiles.

An’ in ma very wonky secondary-school English, ah gave it:
Look Alberto, this is Regula, and Regula, this is Isabel, and, and, and,
an’ then – in the fog ae the
aniseed brandy – the name ae the ither lassie widnae come tae me, it didnae matter but: she jist laughed an’ introduced hersel.
Hello Regula, nice to meet you
, her name wis
Imma, by the way, an’ did she want a drink an’ aw? An’ itherwise: cool, ivrythin wis cool.

Regula really wisnae angry. Naw at aw. Even if she musta seen fae the fuckin door whit shape ah wis in. Whit d’ye expect but? If two ae ye ur away on holiday an’ wan ae the two his
hid way too much beer awready, ye hiv several possibilities: ye kin get angry, which disnae actually help nae cunt, ye kin start knockin it back as fast as poss tae try an’ catch up so yir
naw in the wrang film any mair, or ye can jist think: he’s him an’ ahm me an’ themorra’s anither day. Ah think that last option is whit Regula done that night.

Did ye get tae the shops, Goalie?

Oh shit, ah completely forgot, an nipped in furra quick drink, jist tae tide me o’er, then it totally went ootae ma mind. Ahm sorry. Listen but, ahm sure we kin get summit tae eat
here.

We’ll need tae get tae the shops at some point but. So wiv coffee, milk an’ breid fur themorra.

Yir naw so completely aff the mark wi that observation eether. Hiv ye money? Look, ah changed loads. Naw, go on, take it. Look, here’s whit ah suggest, you go theday an’ ah’ll
go themorra cos, thenoo, ahd rather jist sit oan here a wee minute – cos here ah can haud ontae the chrome steel an’ at the supermarket ah kid only haud ontae the shoppin trolley. They
things ur known tae move but.

Yir a blabber, Goalie, she said an’ left. She’d come back an’ get me. Then we’d go an’ rustle summit up.

Know summit but? Things tend naw tae go as easily as that. When she came back tae get me – wi two paper bags full ae stuff – ah tellt her naw tae rush things. It wid be shrewder tae
hiv a drink wi us first. Then ah tried tae introduce the landlord an’ the two wimmen, by this time but ah only knew the landlord’s name,
look, this is Alfredo,
naw wait,
Alberto. Was it Alfredo or Alberto?
Then but, Regula said it wis awright, ahd awready introduced ivrywan, an’ that wis fine by me cos some folk take the hump when ye cannae mind
their names.

We did then go hame at some point eftir aw an’ we cooked an’ aw. That is: she did, mair like, cos ah – ah didnae see the need. It wis guid craic anyhow but, we rambled oan
an’ oan. Naw aboot problems an’ the like. Naw, we wur exchangin stories mair like, which is summit ye kin dae best when folk still dont really know each ither really, when yiv naw tellt
the best yins a hunner times afore yet. Ah first fell asleep at the table an’ when ah woke up wi a stiff neck, Regula’d awready hit the sack. So ah got between the blankets too. Naw
hers but. Naw, ma ain. We wur jist guid friends eftir aw: guid friends who go oan holiday thegither an’ that, fuckit. An’ anyhoo: it wis howivver late it wis.

The time in wee Stofer’s hoose whizzed past. Sometimes we jist went tae go an’ look an’ see the sea move. An’ sometimes we walked along these hills
jist, turnin oor backs tae the sea. In between times, we went back an’ forth oan the ferry, jist tae be oan a ship like. The locals thought we wur mad. Fur them, the ferry wis jist a means ae
transport jist, an’ naw a tourist attraction. Ahm sure but that even the wans that thought oor ferryin to an’ fro wis mad wid choose the boat, if – fur the sake ae argument
– they wur oan a summer holiday in Thun an’ kid choose whether tae take the train or the boat tae Interlaken. Whit ahm tryin tae say is: at hame in Switzerland, ah almost nivver take a
boat, abroad ah nearly always dae but. Cos holidays ur holidays. An’ holidays only make sense if ye dae things diffrint fae in yir ivryday life.

Regula an’ ah finally hid time tae dae some serious talkin. Ah tellt her ah loved her an’ wantit her, aw the stuff ye say if ye mean it. Ah meant it. She wis still a bit defensive
but, said naw tae spin her so many yarns, tae be mair economical wi ma endless stories. She wis convinced, ye see: wance ah ran ootae stories, ahd nae longer love her.

That’s possible, of course. Oan the ither haun but: whit did Regula mean by ‘ran ootae stories’? How dis she know hoo many stories ah hiv tae tell? Stories urnae like teeth,
they dont grow in twice, then that’s it. Yiv hid aw yir gettin. Naw, stories urnae like crude fuckin oil, where yiv only a certain amoont an’ wance they reserves ur gone, yir fuckt
– it’ll be a few million years afore there’s new stuff. Naw, stories grow back in. There’s an infinite supply ae them. Try tellin that tae Regula but, who’s worried
cos it’s finally clicked ahm in love wi her.

That right, Goalie? Wance yiv ran ootae stories, ye willnae love me any mair?

Is that important, Regula? Ah mean is it important tae talk aboot when, somewhere doon the line, ah willnae love ye? Fur the time bein, ah love ye. That’s important. You’ve still naw
said owt in this direction but.

Ahm jist naw as quick tae say things like that. Ah need time, Goalie. Ah dont faw in love jist like that. An’ anyway: officially, ahm still wi Buddy. Ye know that.

Officially! Sorry, Regula, nae offence, that’s the stupidest sentence but ivver tae come ootae yir mooth!

Mibbes aye, mibbes naw, Goalie. The rest’s true but. Ahm naw the type tae faw in love in a hurry.

Naw wi me anyhoo, right? Know whit but? Ah dont care. Ah kin wait. Take yir time, Regula. Take yir time jist. Ah can be patient. Ah’ll ask ye again in five minutes.

Lines like that normally got a laugh ootae her.

Then but, summit happened that wis less funny. Valentin, who we’d got tae know on the ferry over, came tae visit. Ahd made a point ae tellin him he kid drop in any time,
we’d be pleased tae see him.

So he did come an’ he brought us some drink an’ a necklace he’d made himsel fur Regula ootae wee bits ae wood an’ black mussels. Didnae look bad, the necklace.

We wur pleased tae hiv befriended a local awready. Rustled up summit guid tae eat etc. An’ while he’s talkin, Valentin, ah ask aboot the hoose an’ wee Stofer’s uncle,
jist ootae intrist like.

Ahm often intristit in things maist ither folk urnae. An’ vice versa. That might seem strange. It’s true but. Ma auld man wis like that in his day an’ aw. When ah wis still a
boy, he’d tell me stories fur oors on end aboot people ah didnae know fae Adam. Ma auld man kid tell ye hale life stories, wi ivry possible detail. Better than any novel, it wis. Life
intristit me. Naw aw the ither shite. Life jist.

Take as an example: ah go doon tae the bicycle bit in the basement at hame an’ wan ae the ither tenants his parked his bike badly. Kin happen tae anywan. Maist folk’ll then say but
how a-fuckin-mazed they ur that some useless bastard kid leave his bike staunin there like fuckin that. Naw me but. Ahd nivver say anythin like that. It’s ae nae intrist tae me. It really
isnae.

Oan the ither haun, if ahm on holiday in an auld Spanish hoose, ah’ll examine that hoose inside an’ oot, ah’ll look tae see whit flooers there ur in the garden an’ aw,
ah’ll notice it’s naw flooers ye see oan the Atlantic itherwise an’ that the hoose is built in a style, a type ae architecture, that disnae necessarily fit intae the village,
an’ ah’ll be astonished that some cunt authorised the buildin ae it an’ ah’ll wonder aboot why an’ when they did so an’ aw that kinda stuff. Those ur questions
that ur pairt ae life.

Anyway: ah ask oor visitor dis he know anythin aboot the hoose an’ it turned oot Valentin knew it aw. Ivry-fuckin-thing.

He tellt us how some guy hid it built, who left the village aroon 1880 fur Cuba an’ then Puerto Rico. That wis how a loatae auld folk in the village still cawed the hoose the American
hoose. In the Caribbean, the guy made shitloads ae cash, nay cunt knew exactly how, word hid it but he’d started as an errand boy furra gunsmith, then worked his way up in the arms trade.
When Cuba became independent in 1898, business wisnae sae guid any mair, least: naw if ye wur tryin tae make money as a Spaniard. That didnae matter tae this rich cunt but, he’d enough pit by
as it wis. Thanks tae the Spanish-Cuban War, he’d made a total fuckin fortune. So he came back here, tae his hame village, an’ swore he’d build the best an’ maist beautiful
hoose in the village so aw the moanin gits – who thought he wis capable ae fuck-aw when he left fur Cuba when he wis young – wid finally realise he wisnae the failure they thought he
wis, but the exact opposite.

An’ cos the priest hid been the biggest moanin git, he bought a nice bit ae land, right next tae the chapel, so the first thing the holy fuckin joe wid see ivry mornin wis his fuckin
hoose.