Naw Much of a Talker (9 page)

Why’d he sae many bags, ah asked the Frenchman. Wid it naw be easier tae take fewer – bigger – bags? It aw depended on whit ye wur usin them fur, he laughed. Fur him, it made
mair sense jist tae transport his various diffrint things in various diffrint bags.

Ah pit aw his bags in the boot an’ we drove via Les Verrières, Neuchâtel an’ Berne tae the Fog. Ah wisnae in the mood fur talkin. He didnae seem tae be eether so we jist
sat there, sayin nuthin. Ah pit a bit ae Dylan oan. We’d hardly reached the Fog when he wis thankin me an’ sayin ah kid drop him aff noo.

Where’d he want tae get tae exactly? It didnae matter, ah kid jist drop him aff at the station. He took his bags, left wan lyin in the boot but. Mustnt hiv seen it. Slipped unner summit,
it hid.

When ah seen the next day he’d naw taken aw his belongins wi him, ah took the bag up tae ma flat. Still livin in Aarwangenstrasse, ah wis at the time. Anither day later,
the Frenchman dropped by: he’d left wan ae his bags in the boot. New tae me, ah went, ah didnae notice nuthin. A spontaneous impulse, it wis. Ah kid jist as well hiv said tae come up wi me,
the bag wis up in the flat an’ jist tae come an’ get it. Fur some reason but that hid fuck-aw tae dae wi ma heid an’ a loat tae dae wi ma stomach, ah wantit tae lie tae the
cunt.

We went tae the car tae see. Nae bag. The French guy went aw serious, threatened me: if the stuff didnae turn up, ahd hiv an even worse problem oan ma hauns. Ah remained totally cool but, didnae
bat an eyelash, gave it: ahd nae idea whit he wis oan aboot an’ wis that the fuckin thanks ah got fur pickin him up in Pontarlier. Ahm shite at lyin normally. Ahd started but, so ah finished.
Lyin’s summit that sometimes works an’ sometimes disnae. Oan that occasion, it wis goin really well. Naw that it helped me any. The French guy gave it: ahd be seein a lot mair ae him,
an’ ahd live tae regret it.
Regretter
wis the word he used an’ ah hiv tae say: in his ain language, it sounded fuckin dangerous. As bad as in the Edith Piaf song, nearly.

That same evenin, the drug squad turned up. Gross wis the ainly wan ah knew. The ithers wurnae fae the Fog, wur fae elsewhere, Berne probably, wans ahd nivver seen afore anyhoo. They came wi a
dug. A beautiful dug, it wis, a Labrador, ah liked it so ah did even if ah dont normally like dugs. They wur hardly in the door hardly when the dug went wild. Wis that ma bag? Naw, it wisnae,
actually, it belonged tae a guy ah gave a lift tae recently. When he realised he’d forgot it, he’d be back fur it, nae doot. Who wis he? Name? Address? Ahd nae idea, like ah said but,
he’ll be back lookin fur it, nae doot. It went back an’ forth like that fur ages. Me gi’in nuthin away that wid land some cunt in the shit.

The French guy didnae come back but an’ his bag wis full ae sugar. As fur me, ah wis noo in deep shit. Nae cunt’s goney believe such an idiotic fuckin story. Least of aw, a
judge.

So yir expectin us tae believe this unlikely story?

Naw, believe whit ye want. Believe me but: if ahd a better story, ahd tell ye it. This is the only wan ah hiv but. Sorry.

An’ later, at the trial in Aarwangen: His the accused owt tae add oan this point?

Too right, ahd hiv a few things tae add, naw hawf ah wid. The question’s mair but: dis it make any sense at aw tae discuss aw this any further.

The lawyer they’d gi’en me, wan ae they worse-than-useless cunts appointed by the court, whispered intae ma ear ahd be better sayin fuck-aw than comin oot wi that kinda shite.

Then you fuckin say summit, mate. You’re the big fuckin professional here!

He kidnae mind us agreein we wur friends now.

If he wantit mair respect fae me, he wis goney hiv tae fuckin dae summit tae show his worth. His shiny wee leather briefcase an’ aff-the-shelf tie wisnae cuttin it.

How’d ah come tae know this ominous Frenchman? the judge wantit tae know.

Ah tellt him ah didnae even know he wis French. Aw ah knew wis: he’d spoken French. Aw kinds ae folk kin speak French but. An’ if someone spoke English, fur instance, it didnae mean
he wis English necessarily. Tryin tae distract him, ah wis. Ah didnae want tae dig a hole fur Uli an’ aw.

Ye hivnae answered ma question. How’d ye get tae know this stranger in the first place?

That’s jist it: ah didnae know him. If ahd known him, ahd hiv tellt him tae look fur anither driver. Ahm too much ae a big saftie jist, probably.

Kin the accused tell us how, in answer tae each an’ ivry question, he tells us aw a wee story, wi’oot gi’in us the full picture but. Wi’oot joinin the dots up.

Ye see, that’s precisely the problem ah hiv. Ah kin only see the wee stories. Ah hivnae got whit it takes tae dae a bigger story. Wi a beginnin, middle an’ an end. An inner logic ae
its ain. An arc an’ aw that jazz. Or ahm jist naw intristit in aw that cos ahm mair intristit in the wee stories. Ahm sorry if ahm naw gi’in ye whit ye wantit.

That’ll dae, thanks. Ye kin sit doon again.

Tae sum up: at the trial, ah probably said faur too much oan certain subjects an’ faur too little oan ithers. Ah jist wisnae smart enough. Ma super-lawyer hid tellt me time an’ time
again an’ aw ahd get probation at maist if ah tellt them ivrythin fae the start an’ above aw if ah didnae forget tae mention names. Ahd tae lay it oan the line, he said: ivry single
name, aw the facts, aw nice an’ clear. That wid then staun me in good stead so it wid.

You try but: staun up in court an’ say, by the way, this mate ae mine wis involved an’ aw, an’ this ither guy too, an’ this yin wis the maist involved, an’ ah wis
the least, an’ blah blah blah blah. Naw. Ah mean ahm nae saint, nivver hiv been. Ye can say almost anythin ye want aboot me. Nae cunt kin say but ah ivver ratted oan someone in court.
That’s summit ahd nivver dae.

Mibbe there ur guys that dae, they’re nuthin but poor cunts but, they’ve nae character, cos – as ma auld man aye said: if ye fuck up, son, staun up an’ acknowledge it at
least. An’ if, on the hale, ah didnae learn a loat fae ma auld man exactly, ah at least hiv tae admit he’s right aboot that wan.

There’s nae point in goin oan too long aboot it. If ah ivver run intae that Frenchman again – or Arab, or whitivver the fuck he wis – ah’ll take him by the scruff ae the
neck. Ah’ll be lookin fur a few explanations so ah will. Ahm sorry, a year’s a year but. An’ the Joke’s nae fuckin joke.

Uli’s gettin oot in a few days, then he’s joinin wan ae they therapeutic residential groups tae get dried oot. Somewhere in the Emmental, it is. A residential
group. Or a family. Ah didnae hear right when Marta tellt me. Ah jist hope it’s naw fundamentalists that’ll be tryin tae convert him. There’s enough ae they cunts as it is,
specially aroon these pairts. An’ wi Uli, ye nivver know. Like ah said, he wantit tae be a theologian at wan point. Ah well, ah suppose, right noo, the main thing is he gets rid ae the
hepatitis as best he can an’ pits the maist ae the chaos behind him. Dont ivver underestimate the jaundice. If yir unlucky, it kin turn chronic.

When the time came, Marta asked did ah want tae go in the car wi them. The social worker, the guy fae the advice centre who wis drivin him, still hid a space in the car. Uli
wid be pleased if ah came. It wisnae easy fur any ae us, eftir aw.

When ur yis gaun?

Saturday eftirnoon, aboot two.

Aye, ahd like tae, how naw? That means we’ll get tae see an’ aw whit the place is like. An’ if Uli thinks it’s aw a waste ae time, we kin take him straight hame
again.

Dont say that, Goalie! He shid gi’e it a try, at least, even if he thinks – tae start wi – it’s aw a waste ae time. He needs tae bite the bullet, furra few days anyhow.
Emmenegger – his social worker – tellt him that an’ aw. Tellt him tae gi’e it a try first. An’ naw tae turn up thinkin he wis goin straight back hame again. It’s
a chance. Dae ye realise that? It’s naw ivry day ye get a chance like that. An’ if ye dont believe in it fae the ootset, well, it’s nivver goney work, is it?

Ye kid be right, of course. It’s naw me but ye hiv tae convince. It’s Uli. It’s Uli ye hiv tae convince.

That’s true. If you dont help an’ aw but – as his best mate – it’ll be mair difficult fur me tae persuade him.

Sometimes ah think it’s funny, almost, how sensible Marta kin be. Ah mean, if ye see her: reduced tae a skeleton, she is, an’ loopy as fuck. Then she comes oot wi aw that patter, aw
this conscientious stuff. A loatae junkies ur like that when ye talk tae them: they come across sae wordly-wise an’ reasonable.

In Marta’s case, it his its advantages. If she cannae look eftir hersel, at least she kin look eftir Uli. An’ yet, in her case, it aye sounds so fake-serious. Sometimes she’s
like a seven-year-old tellin her wee brother whit he’s allowed tae dae an’ whit he’s naw. Like ah said but, a loatae junkies ur like that. They’re constantly surrounded,
eftir aw, by aw these social workers an’ doctors an’ therapists, the hale shop, an’ end up comin oot wi aw the same patter. They jist seem a bit mair loopier.

Okay, Marta, like ah said, if there’s still space, yis kin come an’ get me at two oan Saturday. Ah’ll be at hame. Itherwise, if Emmenegger causes any problems
or disnae want tae drive by ma bit, jist gimme a wee phone an’ ah’ll come first tae where yous ur.

It aw worked oot perfectly an’ at aboot six, we drove back fae the Emmental. Uli’s first impressions wurnae so bad eftir aw. He didnae say a loat anyhow, an’
he didnae make a fuss. An’ this family he wis wi, these farmers, wurnae fundamentalists, ye kid see that right away, they wur used tae lookin eftir guys like Uli, knew the score, wur
professionals kinda. It’s okay tae caw them that cos lookin eftir junkies, fur some farmers, is jist anither kinda branchin oot. Some ae them fatten calves an’ noo hiv rape fields.
Ithers specialise in cheeses fae the Alps an’ keep goats. An’ ithers again take in junkies. They git grants fur aw they things. An’ like ah said, Uli’s first impressions
wurnae so bad eftir aw.

Marta but wis greetin aw the way hame. A bit scared she wis, probably, naw knowin how things wid go. An’ how long she widnae see Uli fur. Oan ye go, Marta, love. Hiv a wee greet jist. A
guid greet’s guid fur ye. Ahd greet an’ aw if ah kid.

Ahd a glass ae wine wi her afore ah went hame. Jist the wan. Ah wantit tae finally tidy up at hame, ye see, an’ listen tae ma music in peace.

This life ae mine kin be dead-dead strange awright. Whit ah wis tae experience later that evenin wis probably the best-ivver thing that kid happen tae me but.

Saturday night, eleven o’clock. Listenin tae music, ahd drunk masel intae a semi-kinda-trance so ah didnae know: shid ah jist hit the sheets or go oot an spread this wee rush. Door bell
goes. Nae idea who it kid be, this time o night. It’s Regula, tears in her eyes, an’ she’s shudderin an’ shiverin. They’d hid a fight aboot Buddy’s parents who
wur due tae come an’ visit oan Sunday. They’d talked aboot the visit. He’d accused her ae often naw bein nice enough tae his parents, ae naw makin an effort. He wis tellin her tae
get her act thegither oan Sunday. She tells him his mother an’ faither done her heid in: aw they constant wee hints boot them gettin merrit an’ that. He tellt her tae watch whit she wis
sayin aboot his mother an’ faither. She kidnae give a toss aboot his parents. Then he says summit else an’ she says summit else an’ things git louder an’ louder an’
mair an’ mair angrier an’ then even mair angrier. Buddy, at some point, totally flips: his folks at least showed intrist in his life whereas hers showed intrist in fuck-aw. She tellt
him tae shut his face. Mibbe, her parents wur insensitive or whitivver, aye. Least they didnae get on yir tits but like his. An’ above aw: her parents wurnae so totally fuckin possessive.

An’ then he gi’es it: Say it again! Gaun, say it again! Dare ye, say it again! – Totally fuckin unoriginal or whit. Those wur the jerk’s very words but. Like some
juvenile fuckin dickhead who – a lifetime fuckin first – his overdid the booze an’ feels aw this Dutch fuckin courage suddenly. The hale time, aw she got fae him wis aggressive
fuckin under-fuckin-currents. Buddy: Gaun, say it again! Dare ye, say it again! Tae begin wi, she laughed him ootae court, naw fur long but cos he twisted her fuckin arm. She’s then fuckin
oota there, leaves the flat, fucks off jist, him shoutin eftir her nivver ivver tae come fuckin back in that case, cawin her aw the names in the book, he wis. Threw her shoes an’ handbag oot
eftir her an’ aw, the cunt did.

She tellt me aw that at the door, wi’oot staoppin fur breath.

Come on in, Regi, jist come in first, c’mon, sit doon, hang oan, ah’ll jist shift they papers fur ye. Wha’d he dae? Battered ye? Buddy? Fuckin hell, fur real? C’mon, sit
doon, please – relax, Regi. D’ye want a cuppa? Naw, wait, ah’ll get ye a brandy, ahv jist opened wan, that’ll be better than tea, disnae stain yir teeth. Noo, tell me it aw
again, Regula. Take yir time. There’s nae rush. Tell me whit happened.

She wis jist greetin by this stage, wisnae in a position tae say fuck-aw so ah said nuthin an’ aw, pit some music oan an’ jist waited jist.

Eftir a while, she asks fur a fag an’ ah kin see she’s still shiverin an’ as ah look a bit closer, ah see her bottom lip’s swollen an’ she’s a rid patch unner
her eye that’s gettin darker. Ah felt ma chist tightenin.

Christ, ah dont believe it – he hit ye in the face? Ye need tae report him tae the polis.

It’s awright, Goalie. Ahm here noo. He cannae touch me here.

It’s best ye report him. Ye nivver know wi guys like that. Ah know Gross quite well, the cop guy.

Jist leave it, Goalie. Forget it.

Wait, ah said, an’ ah peeled some veg an’ a few potatoes an’ made a soup, wi some ae that Waadtländer sausage in it ah happened tae hiv still in the fridge, an’ some
leek an’ carrots. She shid eat summit, ah tellt her. The maist important thing noo wis tae eat summit. An’ she did eat.

When she’d hid enough, ah changed the bed an’ said on ye go, ah’ll sleep in the livin room an’ we kin take it fae there in the mornin.

Ah widnae be able tae sleep yet, Goalie, ahm faur too nervous.

Disnae matter. Lie doon jist an’ close yir eyes. Look, ahv got some Mellaril an’ a few Somnitol Plus capsules. That’ll help ye, ye mustn’t take too much ae them but.
Take, say, two Mellaril an’ then two wee brandies. Then wait a bit an’ if ye dont faw asleep, take two or three Somnitols, definitely naw any mair than that but, or it’ll go fur
yir stomach an’ then ye’ll definitely naw get any sleep.