Naw Much of a Talker (5 page)

Whit’s Regula daein wrang furgodsake, ah asked masel. How come she his a total tube as a boss an’ a wimp ae a fuckin bloke at hame? Aw ah said but wis thanks cos she’d awready
brought me the wine.

Whit wis it ye wantit tae tell me by the way, Goalie?

When?

When ye phoned in the middle ae the night.

Cannae mind. Ah tellt ye awready: ah wis rat-arsed.

C’mon, Goalie, Ye dont forget why ye phoned someone in the middle ae the night.

Ah do. Ah dont know any mair.

Ah smiled at her an’ she smiled back.

It wisnae the first time. An’ yet, too fuckin right: it did ye good, it really did, tae see her smile, smile fur me.

A while later, she’s back at ma table again awready tae ask is the joab okay.

It’s better than yours anyhoo.

How kin you know whit like ma job is? Yiv nivver served behind a bar.

Naw, but ahv watched you but.

An’ ye can tell fae watchin it’s nae guid?

Ah kin tell fae watchin there’s too many tubes in here. That the biggest wan ae aw is yir boss. An’ that you’re the only wan who isnae actin the tube.

She’s smilin again. Amazin: she’s really pretty when she gets they wee dimples in her cheeks.

Regula, get yersel a glass an’ sit doon an’ join me fur five minutes.

Naw thanks, there’s too many in. Mibbe later, when it’s naw as full.

Ah’ll be gettin some kip later, Regula. Ah start at five themorra again. That’s the only drawback wi this joab.

Tell me, Goalie, ur ye really sayin ye dont mind whit ye wantit tae tell me?

An’ noo she dis sit doon an’ join me furra mo. She’s only half-sittin sorta but, at the edge ae the corner seat. As if she’ll get up any minute again.

Mibbe ye will mind eftir aw.

Then ah looked intae her eyes an’ tried tae make ma face go vaguely tender. Ah looked tense-as-fuck but, probably, jist. Ah dont know eether why it makes me feel pleased:
her askin sae often, ah mean, how ah phoned sae late. How d’ye think? Cos ah like her. Cos she makes me horny. Horny as a three-peckered goat, as Uli wid say. Regula knows fine well, wants
tae hear it fae me noo. Maist women know which cunts like them. They still want tae hear you yirsel say it but.

If there’s wan thing ahv definitely sussed, if there’s wan thing ahv learnt in thirty-three years oan this planet, it’s this: nivver come on tae a woman too fast.
Piano
, amigo, keep a low profile, jist wait jist till summit happens – or disnae. Play it nice an’ slow, be gentle, like a summer’s breeze, haud back, be ready but when
the right moment comes. Whereas: try an’ force the situation – an’ it’s game over afore ye even start. Even if, tae begin wi, ye might naw even realise.

Ah tellt Uli an’ Marta last Sunday anyhoo. Tellt them ahm in love. Ah know ye shidnae go spreadin that kinda thing. Ah hid tae tell they two but. Who wid ah tell, if naw
Marta an’ Uli? Uli, admittedly, wisni very intristit. Marta reckoned it wid dae me guid but, naw bein oan ma ain any mair. An’ how hid ah broken up wi her fae Burgdorf anyhoo, that
lovely Helen lassie, a really nice lassie she wis, suited me doon tae the groon, aye nice an’ cheerful, even intae sport an’ that. Tae this day, she – Marta, that is –
kidnae unnerstaun why ahd chucked her – Helen, that is – fae wan day tae the next.

C’mon, Marta, dae ye really think someone who studied English furgodsake an’ hid an assistantship at the uni an’ a future aheid ae her like Helen, dae ye really think someone
like that widda stayed wi me in the long run? Forget it! It wis nivver goin anywhere, that yin. Wis strange enough we ivver got thegither. At the latest, when ah got fucked over an’ hid tae
dae time, she’d’ve left me. Her faither wis a big shot, or an even bigger shot than that, in the army an’ a member ae a hunner or mair boards ae directors, an’ her maw wis
wan ae they tarted-up glamorous chicks wi a pseudo-French accent fae some ancient patrician family or ither: Wot eez being your fazzer’s pro-fessi-own eef ze questi-own eez
per-meez-eeble?

Can ye even begin tae imagine it? Me, Goalie, in the upper circles ae Burgdorf, wi a glass ae Burgundy in ma haun an’ a heid full ae broon sugar?

Yez, hour son-een-law eez for ze mo-ment steel een ze Shoke zerveeng his sawn-tawnce, yez, ee eez in-deed a verrry fine young shentle-man. We are being verrry pleezed, ee eez verrry – ow
do you zay – comm-eet-ed, ee as ze tattooz and a verrry longue beard. Non, non, ee eez one of ze verrry best preezonerrs in ze con-tawn, exemplarree and such a day-son young shentle-man and
so een-side-vul and so good at rrrollling ze huuuge shoints. We vollow his day-veil-opp-mawn with ze great pleashure, ee eez ze dream son-een-law, yez, we are verrry pleezed for hour Hay-lane.

Give over, Goalie! Ye kidnae hiv known when ye broke up wi that Helen lassie that the law’d be comin eftir ye. An’ anyhow, ye nivver did hiv anythin tae dae wi her parents
really.

Ah wis jist tryin tae come up wi an answer fur that when Uli stuck his oar in an’ said ah wis right an’ Marta shid stop haverin, that there wis women oot there who wur aye oan the
look-oot furra guy who wis as fuckt-up as poss so they kid look eftir him. An’ Helen hid been exactly that type. He’d analysed her so he hid an’ she’d been the typical
Mother-Teresa-type an’ if it hid come tae the crunch, a hunner percent: she’d hiv went, fuck-that-fur-a-game-o-smarties an’ looked fur some ither cunt who wis, aye, fuckt-up, jist
naw as fuckt-up as ah wis back then. An’ anyhoo: women like that got oan his – Uli’s, that is – tits, the kinda women who want tae gi’e a fucked-up life a go, want tae
keep the door open but so they kin get back intae the warmth when things go pear-shaped. An’ anyway, he wantit some mair smack noo an’ whit the fuck hid ah done wi the tin foil that wis
oan the table a meenit ago.

Ah took masel aff. Cos it’s wan thing, naw takin anythin yersel, an’ anither tae watch ither folk gettin aff their heids.

The fuckin drugs’ll finish ye aff, Uli. They fuck ivry cunt up, believe me.

Be seein ye, Goalie. An’ thanks fur the sermon, by the way. Ye’d make a guid fuckin missionary. See ye aroon. An’ aw the best fur themorra.

Yistirday, that wis. Ah felt a right sad bastard, a Holy Joe. Whit d’ye expect but? Sometimes, in life, ye hiv tae play the Holy Joe. It’s part ae ye, like
it’s implanted in ye. It’s part ae ivry cunt.

Ahm mixin ivrythin up in that nut ae mine. It’s as if whit happened wi Regula wis yistirday, an’ Uli an’ Marta wur theday. Ah dont know how masel. Ahm probably jist knackered,
wi aw they early rises.

Wance ah get hame, ah take two paracetamol tae get in aheid ae any problem, an’ a gulp ae Veterano tae wash them doon. Ah kin jist aboot manage tae read ten or fifteen pages ae the book ah
borrowed fae the library last week. The letters start tae blur really nicely, gi’in the story ahm readin some atmosphere. Then ma heid gradually begins tae darken an’ ah plunge intae a
deep sleep.

Ah dreamt that night ahd hid a guid warm kick.

Wis jist a dream but. There’s nowt goin on. Ah kin pull masel thegither. If ah want tae. An’ ah dae want tae. Ah cannae even mind when ah last took summit. A lang time ago. We
stopped at the same time, actually, Uli an’ me. Guy wisnae in the best ae form at the time, that’s how he kidnae see it through. Course, ah feel sorry aboot that. Naw as if ah can
change it but.

Ah dont know how ah aye hiv tae sneeze when ah arrive at this shitin print shop. Ivry mornin at five, soon as ah take the delivery forms aff the shelf, ah hiv tae sneeze. It’s
psychological, probably. Very probably. If ah wis tae stop an’ think aboot it, ahd probably take it as a sign an’ change joabs. It’s naw went that faur yet but. That ah see ma
sneezin as a higher power at work, ah mean, or think ahm on top ae things enough tae risk a change. Naw. Naw, ahm stayin put fur the minute. Ah’ll see how things go. Sooner or later, the
shit’ll hit the fan wan wey or the ither anyhoo. Ah know that. Know masel too well, so ah dae.

It’s naw quite right, by the way, tae say there’s nowt goin on. Summit kid come alang an’ trip me up very easily. Like that summer we wur oan a school trip in the Ticino. Herr
Kiefer, oor teacher back then, tells us naw tae play wi the posties’ delivery carts staunin aroon the platform.

An’ ah think tae masel: aha, so there’s summit cawed a delivery cart. Ah wunner whit ye kin get up tae wi wan ae them? They must hiv a brake somewhere. An’ ye must be able tae
release it. An’ sure enough: ah managed tae dae it. Course, there wisnae a happy endin. An insurance joab, in the end-up. Ma auld man wis still alive at the time. An’ fit an’
strong. Wis a bit fuckin o’er-the-top when ye think back. Aboot thirteen ye ur, an’ a form arrives fae the insurance together wi a letter fae yir registration teacher – an’
ye get such a fuckin hidin, ye end up naw knowin whit yir name is an’ whether ye ivver fuckin existed even.

Ah dont want tae make a big fuss aboot it. Ah know masel ahm naw the only wan ivver tae get his arse warmed. It sucks but nanetheless. Specially when ye consider ma auld man widnae hiv hid the
strength a year or two later tae batter me like that. Cos ae his illness. The muscle thingy. He did hiv the strength at that point but – an’ lashed oot like a thresher in his heyday.
An’ if ye also consider ma auld man wis a total swine wi a hellish temper, it’s a miracle ahm as easy-goin as ah am these days, in terms ae temperament. Officially, ahm – at maist
–
verbally aggressive
. That’s whit the psychiatrist in the Joke concluded. An’ it’s true, that.

Conspicuously verbally aggressive. Also unable to deal with conflict. Plus, a clear tendency to suppress problems. Physically inconspicuous.

Ye kidnae invent that if ye wantit tae, kid ye? Yet guys like that kin fuckin slam it doon in a report wi’oot a moment’s hesitation, an’ then it depends oan that whether ye get
released early or naw. That’s naw fuck-aw either, if ye think aboot it.

Sunday. In the book ahm readin at the minute, a couple ae mates hiv been gi’en two hooses. As a present, like. The mates ur the layaboot type, a bit like us in the past, cept a loat
further back than that, an’ in America. Aye, so wan ae them his come intae an inheritance, his inherited two hooses. He shares these hooses wi his mates. Then wan burns doon cos some cunt wis
careless, they still hiv the ither yin but. It’s naw bad, ah like it, this story. These boys didnae hiv fuck-aw an’ noo, at least, they’ve this wan hoose, they’re naw copin
wi it but, naw ivver hivin been in this kinda situation afore. Plus, they’re drinkin too much. As the reader but, ye nivver know: ur they drinkin too much cos they’ve sae many problems,
or hiv they aw these problems cos they’re drinkin too much. It’s jist like in real life. Ye nivver know which it is. A bit ae each, probably. A snake that bites its ain tail. An’
while wur on the subject ae snakes: if ahm single much longer, ahm goney fuckin crack. Ah need tae find a woman, an’ naw jist any wan, naw, it his tae be the right yin, eether Regula or wan
that kin at least compare tae her. At the moment but, only Regula comes intae question. An’ at the same time she disnae – cos she’s wi that clown, Buddy. There ye hiv it again:
the snake that bites its ain tail.

Ah read anither book by the same guy wance, wan aboot a guy who aye his a mate in tow wi him who’s naw quite right in the heid, as strong as a horse but. The two ae them go fae farm tae
farm an’ graft an’ graft. The wan who’s naw the full shillin isnae much ae a thinker, he’s a guid grafter but, an’ the ither guy can think fur the two ae them. Tae cut
a long story short: they complement each ither, an’ while yir readin it, yir thinkin, aye – this kid work oot. An’ furra while things dae go well. The wan that’s naw aw
there but, mentally, is aye pittin wee mice in his trooser pocket tae pet them, then but he crushes them tae death – jist cos he’s faur too strong fur them. It’s naw that he wants
tae dae it, it jist sorta happens. In the end, he crushes a woman tae death who wis aye comin oan tae him. She wis daein it furra laugh jist. Try tellin that but tae someone who’s a sandwich
short ae a lunchbox. Course, he takes it seriously an’ squeezes her, squeezes faur too hard, he disnae mean tae dae that eether, he jist cannae control hissel but an’ crushes her tae
death. The worst bit is: his mate his tae shoot him in the end cos, itherwise, the wans fae the farm widda, they’d hiv gi’en him a helluva beatin first but, or tortured him. So his mate
takes a pistol before the ithers find him – an’ end-of-story. By the time the ithers show up, the big yin’s awready deid. A dead sad book, it is. Ah read it twice an’ fuckin
murder it wis tae read, baith fuckin times. The wan detail that isnae clear tae me is: how dis the woman dae that – come oan tae the eejit? Whit’s she tryin tae prove tae hersel? She
knows fine: the cunt’s got some mental problem or ither. An’ normally if a woman wants tae come oan tae some cunt, she comes oan tae him awright, but naw a mentally handicapped person
but.

Regula turned up wi a cake. Some bastard hid tellt her it wis ma birthday.

Dont talk crap, Regi, it isnae. Who said it wis?

The rumour’s daein the roons.

Whit d’ye mean: the rumour’s daein the roons? Someone musta said it. The rumour disnae jist spread itsel jist.

Then but ah thought: the main thing is, she’s here. So ah shut the fuck up, pit some tea oan an’ said ah wis pleased she wis here an’ hoped she wisnae in a hurry.

She wisnae. Buddy wis at the airfield. She wisnae as keen on goin there. Fur her, it wis mair: kinda borin. Model planes didnae dae it fur her. Okay, so she’d nuthin against it eether. It
wisnae as if it wis the worst hobby oot. An’ it did Buddy guid. He wis aye a diffrint person when he came hame.

D’ye take sugar?

Aye, please.

She looks at me, watches me as ah let the sugar trickle fae the spoon, an’ ah get aw embarrassed.

Tell me summit, Goalie. Whit like wis it in jail? Ah dont know anyone else who’s been.

Is that how ye came?

Naw, naw at aw. Ah tellt ye, didnt ah, someone said it wis yir birthday. Ahm jist intristit, that’s aw.

It’s nowt special. Durin the day ye work ootside in the fields an’ in the evenin ye wait fur night tae faw. Some folk ur total swines an’ some ur awright. First, ye hiv tae
look an’ see which is which. Then ye stick tae the wans that ur awright. That way, it’s awright. D’ye want some music oan?